


from the ashes (she will rise)

by txrches



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Femslash, Lots of Angst, group home au, it's a fun time i promise, lots of emotions in general, lots of octavia and raven not knowing how to handle emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:56:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 108,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txrches/pseuds/txrches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven shakes her head and turns back to Octavia, propping her elbows up on the table and giving the girl her full attention. “So what is it, tiny? You part of the dead parents club?” </p><p>Octavia tenses, the water glass in her hand shakes and she quickly sets it back down.</p><p>“Raven,” Indra hisses, her fork clattering against the plate. “Enough.”</p><p>or</p><p>A Group Home AU where Octavia loses it all, Raven never had it to begin with, and Lexa just wants to watch Jeopardy reruns. Octaven-centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> here's the short little prologue i have written for this group home AU. i've got big things planned for it. enjoy. 
> 
> (also. am i the only one that thinks octavia punching walls is kinda hot...)

Octavia hates hospitals. She hates the bright lights, the overbearing nurses, the “ _rate your pain_ ” scale, and most importantly, she hates the stupid questions that they ask over and over. She’d intended on never setting foot in one again, but this time she didn’t really have a choice.

She shifts uncomfortably on the plastic bed, paper crinkling underneath her. Her hand is wrapped in a neon pink cast, a color that she didn’t even pick. She scowls, extends her arm in front of her, and tries to wiggle her fingers. Wincing, she huffs and let her hands fall back to her sides. Her hand hurts like hell. She had literally felt the bones shatter upon impact.

Alright, she admits this is _probably_ her fault, considering she was the one who blocked someone’s face with her fist. But technically it’s the fault of the kid who just _had_ to make a jab at her mother. He knew exactly how to get a reaction out of her. She probably shouldn’t have let him provoke her to that point, but she’s pretty sure her bones weren’t the only ones she felt crack. Maybe his broken nose will give him something to think about.

There’s a knock in the doorway and someone pokes their head into the small room. It’s not a nurse. It’s a tall woman dressed in a black pant suit. Her heels click against the linoleum floor as she walks across the room to shake Octavia’s hand. (Her good hand).

“Remember me?” she smiles at Octavia as if they’re long lost friends. Octavia just stares back at her. The woman laughs as if she’s just made the joke of the century, and takes it upon herself to sit at the end of Octavia’s bed. The mattress shifts and Octavia bites her tongue.

“I’m your social worker,” she explains. “I’ve worked with you before. After the—,”

“I remember you,” Octavia mutters after realizing. This isn’t really a topic she enjoys making light conversation about.

“I remember _you_ from that night,” the woman continues, oblivious to Octavia’s discomfort. “Spiderman pajamas.” She laughs and shakes her head. “You wouldn’t let go of your brother.”

Octavia keeps her eyes low.

“Anyway,” the woman’s voice is chipper, as if they’re not sitting in a hospital room because Octavia just punched someone in the face. “The family isn’t pressing charges. You got lucky this time.”

“I want to see my brother.”

“You will,” she reassures her, flipping through a stack of papers she’s brought along with her. Octavia wants to take her sacred clipboard and throw it across the room. “There’s just one problem…” she pages through, tapping her nail against a pale yellow sheet. “It says here you live with your uncle in… Cape Cod?”

Octavia stiffens.

“I thought maybe it was a mistake on someone else’s part so I did some research, but...” the woman’s voice has lost its chipperness. “He’s been dead for ten years, hasn’t he, Octavia?”

Octavia’s jaw clenches. She’s asking her questions that she already knows the answer to. She curls her good hand into a fist and doesn’t move. The woman sighs, shakes her head, and turns back to her clipboard.

“So it’s just been you and your brother in that house all along, huh?” There she goes again with the questions she already knows the answers to. “Taking down the ‘For Sale’ signs, boarding up the windows. You guys just moved right back in after all the renovations.”

“No one wants to buy it anyway,” Octavia mutters. “Everyone thinks it’s haunted.”

“That’s a criminal offense, Octavia,” the woman flips the papers back over, sending a rush of air in Octavia’s direction. She shivers. “Squatting in an unoccupied residence, tampering with state property… I could go on.”

“Don’t,” Octavia huffs.

“You’re a minor, Octavia.”

“Bellamy isn’t.”

“I’m aware,” the woman turns to face the girl. “But he’s not your legal guardian. He could apply, but the court would turn him down the moment they find out he’s not in school or working a stable job. I—,”

“He’s working on getting a job,” Octavia interrupts her. “He’s got a buddy down in Arizona that’s—,”

“I’m talking about right _now,_ Octavia,” the woman stresses her words. “With your uncle being dead, you’re technically under the state’s care.”

“What’s that mean?” Octavia lifts her head. She hadn’t been sure where this conversation was going, but now she feels fear rising in her stomach.

The social worker sighs. “I don’t know how you got this one past the system. And for _8 years_ , Octavia.”

“Obviously you didn’t care enough about us to check in for 8 years,” Octavia quips back, shaking her head. “So now what? Fine us and send us off to live with some distant relative we’ve never met?”

“There’s a home in California, a girl’s home, they’ve got—,”

“What?” Octavia stands up in a panic.

“ _As I was saying_ ,” the woman sets her clipboard down, her eyes sending icy daggers in Octavia’s direction. “There’s a group home in California that’s so graciously offered to take you in for the time being. I know it’s far away, but finding a place for a seventeen year old girl on such short notice is near impossible.”

Octavia just stares at her, gaping. Who knew punching someone would get her shipped off to some hellhole in California. She racks her brain for an excuse or an escape plan but she comes up empty. All she can muster is a bitter “ _Fuck you_ ,” thrown in the woman’s direction.

“We’ve packed your things for you,” the social worker stands up, still full of fake professionalism. _So easy to pretend I’m just another case number,_ Octavia thinks, clenching her jaw. “We leave for the train station in an hour.”

“My brother... “ Octavia takes a step forward before the woman reaches the door. Now, all her fight has drained, and she’s just drowning in disbelief. “What about my brother?”

“He’s over 18, he’s out of the state’s hands. He has the number of the home you’ll be staying at. But we think it’s best you two don’t see each other for the time being.”

“Who’s _we_?” Octavia moves forward. “Who’s making all the decisions for me? I’ve survived this far, shouldn’t I get a say?”

“Arguing about this will get us nowhere, Octavia,” the woman sighs. “We leave at 6.”

Octavia opens her mouth to argue, but by then the heavy door has already slammed shut. She holds up her fist, reeling back, but thinks better of punching the wall with an already-broken hand. Instead, she stumbles a few steps and falls back onto the bed, burying her head in her hands.

All she can think of is how this was all her fault. She just _had_ to get in a fight. If she hadn’t had punched the kid, she wouldn’t have been in the hospital, and they wouldn’t have gone over her records. She’s suddenly reminded of the same feeling of fear she was plagued with as a young girl, following her brother down the side of a highway with only a small backpack and a pair of Spiderman pajamas to her name.

She just wants to see her brother. She wants to go home. She wants to be 6 years old again, waking up from a nightmare and crawling into bed with her mother. But those are all luxuries that life has not afforded her. No, instead what little she _does_ have is being torn out from underneath her. And she can’t do a thing about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the first chapter, i'm super pumped about this omg lemme know what you think so far!  
> (also lexa's character is so fun to write asdfghjkl she's so innocent and soft)  
> my twitter is lenajfc and my tumblr is txrches if you wanna talk to me there. enjoyyy

“The girls are in school. They’ll be back in an hour or so. I told them to be expecting a new guest when they got home.”

The wooden door creaks open and Octavia takes a few hesitant steps forward. From the outside, her new home sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s an old victorian, painted in muted greens and yellows, circled by a huge wrap-around porch. It’d been a long car ride from the train station to the middle-of-nowhere, California, and her legs are still wobbly. 

“Your room is this way,” Indra, the house advisor, walks in beside her. The home smells of stained wood and pumpkin candles. Octavia’s eyes scan her surroundings, the stain glass windows, the large brick fireplace, the knitted blankets thrown over the back of a olive green couch. It’s got personality, she’ll give it that much. Indra reaches out to help her carry her suitcase, but she shakes her head and tightens her grip on her things. 

Her room is the first one at the top of the stairs. Octavia wanders inside and lets her bags slump to the ground at her feet. It’s pretty plain. The wall’s got the slightest tint of blue to it, but it might as well be white. There’s one window across the room, covered in wooden shutters. Octavia notes the two twin sized beds and glances back to Indra.

“Usually we have roommates,” she explains. “The house can fit 6 girls, but we’ve only got 4 right now. You included.”

“Got it,” Octavia nods, shrugging a bag off of her shoulder. It thumps to the ground beside her and she nudges it toward the wall with her foot. She sighs. This is home now.

“Would you like to see the rest of the house?” Indra stands in the doorway. Octavia just shakes her head and sits down on the bed, defeated. 

“I just want to be alone,” she runs a hand through her hair. 

“Long day?”

Octavia nods. Indra gives her a sad smile. “Bathrooms are down the hallway. Doors aren’t allowed to be closed all the way during the day, standard practice.” She glances down to Octavia’s things. “The girls will be home in around an hour.”

“Thanks,” Octavia sighs. She sits on the edge of the bed, counting the footsteps that echo as Indra makes her way back downstairs. Exhaling slowly, Octavia walks over to her window and struggles to pry it open with her good hand. Eventually, though, the sound of the outdoors echos through her room and she feels a little bit more at ease. 

For the next hour, she sits on her bed across from the open dresser and tosses her clothes in one by one. Indra passes by her door once, holding a laundry basket, and raises an amused eyebrow at her little game. But besides that, she’s left by herself for a while. After shoving her suitcase under her bed, she digs through her backpack and pulls out a worn leather journal. She tries to write something, tries to get her feelings down, but she just ends up drawing trees sprouting from the corners of the page.

An hour passes quicker than she thought, and she’s startled by the sound of the front door opening. The creak seems to rush through the entire house, and she bites her lip when she hears a stampede of footsteps barrel into the foyer. 

“Oh, Lexa, another package came. It’s in the kitchen.”  _ Indra _ .

Octavia hears a pair of footsteps scurry excitedly across the floor beneath her. At the same time, she hears the sound of someone trudging up the stairs. She untucks her hair from behind her ear, letting it fall in front of her face in hopes she’ll be invisible. 

The first person that trudges past her door is a blonde. Her hair is thrown up in a half-assed bun and her sweatpants seem two sizes too big for her. She doesn’t even look in Octavia’s direction, and Octavia can hear her heavy footsteps enter one of the bedrooms, and something -- a backpack, she supposes -- is thrown onto a bed. 

Another pair of footsteps hurries up the stairs, much lighter than the latter. Octavia watches quietly as a tinier girl appears, barely visible behind the large cardboard box she’s carrying. She turns into the room directly across the hall, and Octavia catches a glimpse of her wavy sandy-brown hair. Again, Octavia remains unnoticed.

She’s just turned her attention back to her journal when she hears someone else coming up the stairs, slower… and… heavier? She pauses, tapping her pen against her lip. 

“Raven?”

The footsteps stop. “Hm?”

“Play nice.” It’s Indra.

“Yeah, yeah,” the voice replies sarcastically, and then the crooked-sounding footsteps continue. Octavia quickly looks away when a girl half-walks, half-limps past her door, swinging a lanyard around her wrist. However, the footsteps pause, and when Octavia looks up, the girl has turned around and peered back into her bedroom. Awkward eye contact ensues.

“I see they gave you your own room,” the girl notes. Her dark hair is tugged up into a ponytail. Octavia’s confused by how pretty she is, considering she’s expected everyone here to be absolutely psychotic. Her eyes travel down to the metal-looking brace on the girl’s leg.

“Quit it, Raven,” Indra appears at the top of the stairs. She glances over her shoulder. “Lexa, door.”

Raven’s eyes scan Octavia’s bedroom while the door across the hallway is quickly pulled open. “Sorry.” The curly haired girl pokes her head out into the hallway. It’s only then that she notices their visitor. 

“Looks like you’re not the newbie anymore, Lexa,” Raven leans against the doorframe and glances across the hallway. Lexa’s head quickly shies back into her doorway, leaving her door open a few inches.

Indra sighs and shakes her head. “I see you’ve met Octavia,” she turns to the girl. “Octavia, this is--,”

“ _ Raven _ , _ nice to meet you _ ,” the girl interrupts Indra, faking a smile and giving Octavia one last glance before she pushes off of the doorway, disappearing from sight. Indra rolls her eyes half-heartedly. 

“That’s Raven,” Indra explains. “She’ll warm up to you. She just--,”

“ _ Octavia _ ,” another voice appears. The door across the hallway is nudged open with a foot and Lexa moves to stand beside Indra in the doorway. Her eyes scan a large, mustard-yellow book that she holds with both hands, propped up against her chest. “ _ Octavia. Roman matron, sister of Emperor Augustus and wife of Marc Antony, her second husband.”  _ She clears her throat, licking her thumb before flipping the page.

_ “One of the most prominent women in Roman history, Octavia was respected and admired by contemporaries for her loyalty, nobility and humanity, and for maintaining traditional Roman feminine virtues _ .” When she finishes reading, she looks to Indra and sends a shy glance in Octavia’s direction. 

“Lexa,” Indra laughs and puts a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “You’re on dinner duty tonight. Why don’t you run downstairs and start getting it ready?” This earns a quick nod from the girl, who slams the book shut and tucks it under her arm before hurrying down the stairs. Octavia raises a questioning eyebrow, but Indra ignores this.

“I’m assuming you’ll be starting school with the girls tomorrow,” she nods softly. “Unless you have any reservations…?”

“M’fine,” Octavia shakes her head, closing her journal and shoving it under the bed. 

“Alright,” Indra nods once. “Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” 

Once Octavia’s left alone again, she wanders over to the window and peers out. There’s a garden in the back of the house, just barely visible from her room. California is much greener than she imagined it. She stands on her tiptoes, noticing the lattice that runs up the side of the house and making a mental note of it. It’d make a good escape route, if things took a turn. 

Eventually, her solace is interrupted when Lexa peers into Octavia’s room. “Dinner,” she says quietly, offering a shy smile before disappearing down the hallway to collect the other girls. Octavia quietly follows her downstairs, through the living room and under a large archway that leads to the kitchen. There’s 5 plates on the counter, and Octavia follows Lexa’s lead, grabbing one and following her over to the table.

“That’s Clarke’s chair,” Lexa pipes up just as Octavia is about to sit down. She pauses, moving a side-step towards another empty seat. Indra gives her a soft nod, letting her know it’s okay. Sighing, Octavia sits down. Raven appears moments later, sliding into the seat directly across from her. Octavia keeps her head low, nervously moving her food around on her plate.

Someone else trudges down the stairs. The blonde still doesn’t throw a glance in Octavia’s direction, instead she just grabs a plate from the counter and turns back around to go upstairs.

“You know the rules, Clarke,” Indra speaks up, her voice echoing around the lower level. “No food upstairs.”

“I have homework,” the girl mumbles back without hesitation, not even looking behind her. Indra just rolls her eyes as Clarke makes her way back upstairs.

“Was worth a try,” Lexa shrugs, offering Indra a small smile. 

Dinner carries on awkwardly. Octavia’s not hungry, but she makes an effort to move her food around on her plate and occasionally take a bite. For a while, the only thing that can be heard is the clinking of forks against plates, and Lexa’s foot tapping against the leg of the table.

“So,  _ Octavia _ ,” the girl across from her speaks up and Octavia stills. “Where’d you come from?” Indra sends a warning glare in Raven’s direction, who looks back innocently, knowing she hasn’t done anything condemnable. 

“Michigan,” Octavia mumbles, twirling a long noodle around her fork before letting it uncoil back onto the plate. Raven raises an eyebrow. 

“Isn’t that on the other side of the country?”

“Yeah, well…” Octavia shrugs one shoulder, keeping her broken hand in her lap. She trails off, not wanting to offer an explanation. Lexa’s eyes travel back and forth between them.

“You a senior?”

Octavia nods. Lexa mumbles a half-hearted “ _ me too _ ,” from across the table.

“We all are,” Raven reminds her. Lexa just nods and taps her fork against her plate. Raven turns her attention back to Octavia. 

“How long are you here for?”

Octavia finally looks up, tilting her head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“ _ Ah _ , we must’ve got ourselves a first-timer,” Raven hums in acknowledgement. “Kids come and go all the time in places like these,” she explains. “You either pass through for a few days while mommy and daddy pay  _ lots of money  _ to get you back, or you’re stuck here for life like the rest of us.”

“ _ I’m _ not stuck here for life,” Lexa pipes up, her posture straightening. “I’m going home soon.”

Raven rolls her eyes so only Octavia can see, ignoring Lexa’s comment and turning back to the girl. “So what is it? They gonna ship you back to Missouri in a few days?”

“Michigan.”

“ _ Michigan, Missouri _ , same difference,” Raven dismisses it with a wave of the hand. “Or did you just get out of jail like Lexa here…?” she nods to the girl at the head of the table. Lexa’s mouth falls open.

“ _ Did not _ ,” she gasps. Indra sends Raven a warning glare.

“You’re no fun,” Raven shakes her head and turns back to Octavia, propping her elbows up on the table and giving the girl her full attention. “So what is it, tiny? You part of the dead parents club?” 

Octavia tenses, the water glass in her hand shakes and she quickly sets it back down.

“Raven,” Indra hisses, her fork clattering against the plate. “ _ Enough _ .”

“ _ My _ parents aren’t dead,” Lexa mumbles. Octavia hangs her head down, her grip on her fork tightening. 

 

* * *

 

 

The nighttime sounds of the house consist of the hiss of showers being turned on, the thump of clothes being thrown down the laundry chute, and the crackling of the old fireplace in the living room. Octavia’s writing in her journal again after having changed into an old hoodie and brushing her teeth. Her peace and quiet is interrupted when someone taps on her door, swinging it open and peering in.

“Group’s in five,” Raven nods. A toothbrush hangs out of her mouth and she glances around Octavia’s room for a moment before she disappears. Octavia doesn’t even have time to ask what she’s talking about. 

“Get your ass outta’ bed, Griffin,” Raven calls from the other end of the hallway. Octavia peers out of her room, finding Raven banging on the doorway to get Clarke moving. Raven disappears into the bathroom, rinses the toothpaste out of her mouth, and makes her way back down to the hallway. She pauses in front of Octavia. “You coming?”

“What?”

“We have a meeting every night before bed,” Raven shrugs, grabbing a towel from one of the banisters and tossing it into her bedroom. “It’s supposed to promote ‘bonding’ or some shit. Been doing it for as long as I can remember.” And with that, she’s off.

Octavia tugs her hair up into a half-assed ponytail before making her way down the stairs. In the living room, the couches and chairs have been arranged in a circle. Lexa sits cross-legged on the couch, an aztec patterned blanket tugged around her shoulders. She has both hands wrapped around a coffee mug, and she’s blowing on the steam, following it with her eyes. Octavia quietly takes her seat on the kitchen chair that’s been pulled into the circle.

Eventually Clarke and Raven make their way downstairs. Clarke falls into a knitted beanbag on the floor and Raven lowers herself down on the couch, tapping Lexa’s leg to make her scoot over. Octavia pulls her legs up underneath her. Indra clears her throat while Raven waves her hand through the steam coming from Lexa’s mug.

“Alright,” Indra clasps her hands together and places them in her lap. “So. Since we have someone new with us today, I want you to go around the circle and introduce yourselves.” She turns to Octavia, motioning for her to continue.

“Me?” 

Indra nods. Octavia looks down at her hands awkwardly, picking at a string unraveling from her cast. All she can offer is a small shrug. “I’m Octavia.”

“That’s it?” Indra raises an eyebrow. Octavia nods. Sighing, Indra turns to Raven and waits expectantly.

“You already know my name,” Raven crosses her arms and leans back in the couch. 

“Her name’s Raven,” Lexa speaks up, holding the string from her teabag and moving it in circles around the rim of her mug. “I’m Lexa.” She glances over to the girl in the beanbag. “That’s Clarke.”

“Thank you, Lexa,” Indra sighs. “Would you like to start us off for highs and lows?”

“Sure,” Lexa nods. She takes a sip from her mug before leaning forward to place it on the coffee table. She then turns to Octavia. “Highs and lows is where we say one good thing about our day, and one bad thing,” she explains, smoothing out her wavy hair and tugging her blanket around her shoulders. She thinks for a few moments, pursing her lips and tilting her head to the side.

“I got a new package,” she offers, looking to Indra. “That’s a high.”

“And a low?” Indra nods. Lexa crinkles her nose.

“School.”

“Just school?”

Lexa nods, then adjusts her position on the couch so she’s looking to Octavia. “Your turn.”

“I don’t get it,” Octavia looks down and picks at her nails. 

“We’ll start with your low,” Indra nods in her direction. “What’s been the low point of your day?”

“Being here,” she mumbles, digging at her hangnail so hard that it draws blood. She doesn’t see it, but she hears Indra sigh from across the room.

“And your high point?”

Octavia raises an eyebrow. “Nothing.”

“You have to have a high point,” Lexa pipes up, tilting her head to the side. “It’s the rules.” For some reason Octavia looks to Raven for confirmation, who just shrugs, a smug smile on her face.

“I really don’t have one,” Octavia shakes her head. Her entire day has just been a low point. 

“Just pick something and get on with it,” Clarke groans from her spot on the beanbag. Octavia glares at her. 

“It doesn’t have to be something monumental,” Indra meets Octavia’s eyes. “But every day has a high point.”

“Does breaking my fucking hand count?” Octavia clenches her jaw, tilts her head to the side, and holds up the heavy cast on her arm. Lexa flinches and the room falls silent. With a sigh, Indra turns to Raven. 

“Your turn.”

Raven tugs on her ponytail, running a hand through her loose hair. “My leg kinda hurts,” she shrugs. Lexa furrows her eyebrows, leaning forward to offer Raven one of the butterscotch candies on the table. Raven shakes her head softly, so Lexa pops it into her mouth instead.

“My high…” Raven pauses to think, her eyes scanning the room. Her gaze lands on Octavia, and her lips curve into a smirk. “My high is her broken hand, too.”

Lexa giggles quietly but quickly shuts herself up when Indra glares at Raven. Octavia just rolls her eyes, praying that this will be over soon. 

“My high is sleep and my low is everything else,” Clarke speaks up, rushing her words and clapping her hands together. She hops up to her feet. “Is that it? Can we go to bed now?”

Indra shakes her head, pinches the bridge of her nose, and sighs. “ _ Goodnight _ , ladies.”

Clarke’s the first one upstairs. Octavia slowly rises to her feet. 

“Lexa,” Indra adds, standing up to rearrange the chairs. “Remember you meet with your social worker tomorrow afternoon. And Octavia...” she nods towards the girl. “You’re allowed to close your door overnight. Just don’t try anything and you won’t lose that privilege.”

“Got it,” Octavia sighs. She tugs her hair out of its ponytail and hurries up the stairs. All she wants to do is fall asleep and sleep for another million years. Or at least until she turns 18, so she can finally have control over her own life. 

However, when Octavia leans against her door to push it shut, she’s met with resistance. Then, she’s stumbling a few steps backward when the door is pushed open. She glares at Raven, who forces her way into the room and closes the door shut behind her.

“What do you want?” Octavia sighs.

Raven just ignores her and walks around the room, studying the walls. “You don’t plan to stay long,” she notes. Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“You haven’t hung anything up,” Raven explains, motioning to the nearly empty room. “You haven’t made yourself at home.”

“I couldn’t hang anything up even if I wanted to,” Octavia shrugs, sitting cross legged on her bed and digging her hair brush out of her suitcase. Raven watches her for a few moments.

“They pack your stuff for you?”

Octavia nods. “You’re observant.”

“Been here a while,” Raven brushes it off. She lowers herself onto the bed across from Octavia, and Octavia can hear the creak of the metal brace on her leg as it moves with her knee. She looks away.

“Alright,” Raven claps her hands, the bed bouncing slightly. “What do you need to know?”

Octavia raises a questioning eyebrow.

“C’mon, it’s your first day here. I know you have questions.”

Octavia just stays silent, shrugging and running the brush through her hair. Raven sighs. 

“Fine,” the girl across from her leans back on her hands and studies Octavia. “I’ll go first. What’d you do?” she motions to Octavia’s cast. 

Octavia stills, slowly setting the brush down beside her. She’s not sure if she should trust Raven, or anyone here, for that matter. But someone is actually making an effort to make conversation with her, so she shrugs.

“Punched someone.”

“Why’d you--?”

“ _ Lexa _ ,” Octavia blurts out, interrupting her. She sees a smile play on Raven’s lips. “Is she…?”

“She’s a basket case,” Raven lowers her voice. “Mom’s in the crazy house cause she’s schizophrenic. Tried to kill her own daughter cause she thought someone was hunting them down. Poor kid’s still convinced she’s gonna come back for her.”

Raven pauses, watching as Octavia’s mouth curves into a frown. All she can manage is a  _ “That’s unfortunate _ ,” before leaning backwards to toss her brush onto her dresser.

“What? Not gonna ask about me?” Raven jokes, but Octavia just shakes her head and crawls to the other end of her bed, retrieving her journal from underneath. 

“This place is fucked up,” Octavia mutters, untying the leather straps around her journal and pushing it open. She leans against the headboard of her bed, well aware that Raven’s still sitting there watching her. She hopes that if she’s abrasive enough that the girl will get the message. 

“It’s a hell of a lot better than any of the other places they could have sent you,” Raven speaks up, her voice sharper. Octavia just rolls her eyes.

“I don’t belong in any of these  _ places _ ,” she makes air quotes with one of her hands, not even bothering to look in Raven’s direction. She stiffens when she hears the other girl push herself up to her feet.

“Yeah, well you’re not any better than us, either,” Raven’s voice is cold as she throws the door open, yanking it shut behind her. Octavia winces when it slams closed. She hears Lexa try and interrogate Raven in the hallway, but the slamming of another door signifies that Raven didn’t say a word. She hears a sigh, soft footsteps, and then Lexa’s door shut gently. The hallway lights flicker out. 

Octavia rolls onto her back, clutching her journal against her chest. The dim light coming through her window melts across her ceiling and she traces it with her eyes.  _ This isn’t home _ , she keeps telling herself. She squeezes her eyes shut. 

_ This isn’t home. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good morning i have a splitting headache butttt here's this

Octavia manages to get an hour or so of sleep,  _ maybe _ , before she’s waking up again.

Her nightmares aren’t anything like the ones you see on TV. She doesn’t wake up screaming. She doesn’t sit straight up in bed and gasp for breath with wide eyes like she’s just seen a ghost. She doesn’t bolt awake up in a cold sweat. 

No, instead, she just fades back into consciousness, swearing that she smells smoke. It takes her a few seconds to come to, realizing where she is. Sitting up, Octavia rubs her eyes and presses her hand to her chest. Her heart is beating a mile a minute.

Taking a deep breath, she walks over to the window and leans forward, hanging her head out. She breathes in, closing her eyes. Everything feels unreal at this point. So much has changed in so little time that she hopes it’s some sort of cruel joke.

She knows she won’t be able to fall back asleep, so she quietly opens her door and peers out into the hallway. Tiptoeing downstairs, she rummages through the cabinets until she finds a box of cereal. She’s just pouring the milk into her bowl when another set of footsteps pads down the stairs. Octavia freezes, turning around slowly.

Lexa doesn’t even look at her. She’s got an old quilt tugged around her shoulders and she wanders over to the TV. Octavia watches as the girl sticks a VHS tape into the slot underneath the television. Lexa hits the power button once, twice, three times before she’s content. She curls up onto the couch, wrapped in her blanket, and watches intently as the Jeopardy theme song begins to play. 

Octavia half-smiles with a mouthful of cereal. She leans against the counter, spooning food into her mouth and watching as Lexa calls out the answers to the game show. 

“ _ What is valence? _ ” Lexa repeats to herself quietly. Octavia sets her empty bowl down in the sink and wanders over to the front window. The street is pitch black except for the light coming off of their front porch. It’s quite eerie, actually. Her eyes move over to the front door.

She could leave right now. Disappear off into the night and never look back. It’s all too appealing. Octavia takes a step toward the door.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”

Octavia jumps, whipping her head around to look at Lexa. The girl’s eyes are still fixed on the screen. 

“You’ll set off the alarms,” Lexa glances over at her before turning back to the television. “ _ What is The Sound of Music? _ ” she mumbles under her breath, humming contently when the blue square on the screen reveals the right answer.

Sighing in defeat, Octavia reluctantly plops down on the couch beside Lexa, who’s too entranced by the show to pay much attention to her. She hugs her legs to her chest, scooting back to the furthest corner of the couch. 

She doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but she does. The next thing she knows, someone’s nudging her shoulder and gently coaxing her awake. When her eyes flutter open, she’s face to face with Lexa, holding a piece of toast in her mouth.

“Time for school,” the girl mumbles, taking another bite and standing up. Octavia rubs her eyes, looking around the room and realizing where she is. Lexa scurries back into the kitchen, already dressed and ready. Sighing, Octavia peels herself off of the couch and makes her way upstairs.

She takes her time getting dressed, digging through her things and eventually deciding on a pair of leggings, a maroon tank top, and a flannel thrown over it all. She’s running a brush through her hair when she walks into the bathroom to find Raven bent over the sink, brushing her teeth. 

Rinsing out her mouth, Raven spits in the sink before turning around and looking Octavia up and down as she wipes her mouth. She raises an eyebrow. “Trying to make a good first impression?”

Octavia shrugs, studying her reflection and running a hand through her hair, trying to shake some sort of volume into it.

“Don’t,” Raven shakes her head, tossing her toothbrush back into a cup on the counter. “S’not worth the effort. Once they find out where you’re from they’ll chew you up and spit you out.” 

Octavia pauses, watching as Raven disappears down the hallway. She grabs her toothbrush from the counter and shoves it into her mouth. “That’s comforting,” she mumbles, to no one but herself. 

It’s gonna be a long day.

* * *

 

 

They walk to school like a funeral procession. 

Lexa’s in the front, holding tightly to both straps of her backpack and walking with a skip in her step. Octavia’s a few steps behind her, and Raven follows them both half-heartedly. Clarke trails behind all of them, taking as much time as she pleases. Octavia takes the chance to study the old neighborhood, the narrow sidewalks, the ancient trees that seem to be holding hands over the street, the brick walkways to the houses. There’s an odd sort of charm to it. 

“You’re not going to punch me if I walk too close to you, right?”

Octavia slows her pace when she realizes Raven’s caught up to her. She can hear the brace on the girl’s leg make a clanking noise every time she takes a step. Octavia tries to tune it out.

“Not a morning person, I suppose,” Raven mumbles under her breath. Octavia just shrugs as they come to a crosswalk. Lexa presses the button on the stoplight once, twice -- four times. Octavia looks to Raven for an explanation but she just shrugs.

The school looks like something straight out of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The dark brick is overgrown with vines and moss, and one of the letters is missing from the sign, spelling out  _ Lancaster High Schoo,  _ with a faint spot where the L is supposed to be _.  _ Lexa glances over her shoulder to make sure they’ve kept up.

After she gets her schedule, Octavia finds her first class. The whole school just looks depressing. The lockers are a dark orange color and the walls are made of the same dark brick that covers the outside of the school. The lights only serve to cast an ugly yellow glow across the entire campus. She hates it already.

Lexa’s in her first class, World History. Octavia notices her in the back of the classroom, pushing a pair of glasses higher up on her nose and twirling a strand of hair around her finger, buried in a book. When Octavia drops her backpack down on the seat in front of her, Lexa flinches, but she recovers quickly when she looks up and sees who it is. She just offers the girl a small smile before turning her attention back to her book.

Octavia takes her time to study the other kids in the room. She feels like an outsider. It’s a different sort of feeling. None of them have a clue what has happened to her in the past few days. She thinks back to what Raven said that morning. 

Lexa’s quick to slam her book shut when the bell rings, and someone clears their throat from the front of the room. The teacher walks over to the board, scrawling the date in the corner with a squeaky blue expo marker. Then, he turns around, clears his throat again, and lets the eyes scan the room.

“I notice we have a new student,” he nods when his eyes locate Octavia, who suddenly wants to shrink down into her clothes and disappear. “Care to introduce yourself?”

“Octavia,” she just shrugs, running a hand through her hair subconsciously. 

“Are you new to the neighborhood, Octavia?” he asks, turning around to write his name on the board.  _ Mr. Jonston. _

It just kind of spills out of her after that. “I-I, yeah,” she nods quickly, keeping her broken hand hidden in her lap. “We moved down here a few days ago from New York, me and my uncle. He got a promotion and his company sent him out here.”

“Where’s he work?” someone asks from across the room. It’s all too easy to lie. 

“He’s a director,” she’s quick to respond. “We move a lot, whenever he’s working on a new movie.”

“But you said--,”

Octavia whips her head around and glares at Lexa, whose eyes widen. The wavy haired girl quickly clamps her mouth shut and looks down, as if she hasn’t said a thing. 

“Well, we’re glad to have you, Octavia,” the teacher walks over, placing a textbook down on her desk. “If you see me after class, I can catch you up on what we’re working on.”

Octavia just nods, tracing her fingers over the picture of a globe on the front of the book. She surprised even herself by how quickly that story spilled out of her mouth, almost involuntarily. She glances back at Lexa, but the girl doesn’t move to look at her, she just keeps her eyes on the open book laid out on her desk.

* * *

 

 

The first half of the day drags on. But eventually, it’s lunchtime. Realizing she didn’t pack anything, Octavia just stands awkwardly in the entrance to the courtyard. Since it’s a nice day, everyone is eating outside. 

“Hey, new girl!”

She jumps, looking around quickly. Someone waves her over at one of the picnic tables and she walks over hesitantly. All the guys are wearing the same white and blue football uniform. The few girls who sit at the table have white and blue bows in their hair, and Octavia slowly gets the jist. 

“You’re new, right?” one of the guys asks. Octavia nods quietly.

“You should come to our game tonight,” he motions to the girls seated across from him, and they scoot over to make room for her. Someone hands her a flier about the football team, and Octavia finds herself sitting down at the end of the bench. 

When she looks up, she notices Lexa across the courtyard, sitting cross-legged on the brick wall that surrounds them. She seems perfectly content by herself, spreading peanut butter onto crackers and taking small bites, humming softly. 

“Octavia?”

“Hm?” She snaps out of it quickly.

“I asked what you did to your hand,” the boy across from her laughs, nodding in her direction. Octavia purses her lips, holding up her cast and turning it back and forth, studying it. 

“Back home we go out on the water a lot,” she lies again, finding it all too easy to fall into this routine. “One of my friends has a boat and I fell when we were waterskiing. Nothing too serious.” She shrugs.

When she looks up again, Raven’s leant up against the wall next to Lexa, who hands her an apple slice. Octavia offers her a small smile, but Raven just rolls her eyes and looks away. Biting her lip, Octavia folds the football flier into a little square and shoves it into her pocket. Maybe she will go. Maybe Raven doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

* * *

 

 

The walk back home is silent aside from Lexa’s humming. 

Raven doesn’t try to catch up and walk beside her. Instead, she trails behind with Clarke. Octavia’s still confused, but she does her best to shrug it off. Who needs them? She’s made a few friends at school and they’re not as bad as she thought they were.

Indra greets them at the door. Lexa wiggles in past her, immediately digging into the refrigerator. Octavia follows, tossing her backpack onto the couch as she passes.

“Oh, Clarke, there’s a message for you,” Indra speaks up as she closes the door behind them. “Your probation officer called.”

“ _ Great _ ,” the blonde mumbles under her breath. She claps her hands, gaining Lexa’s attention, and then claps her hands again. Lexa holds up an apple and Clarke nods for her to throw it, catching it with one hand before plopping down onto the couch. Holding the apple in her mouth, she dials voicemail on the old cord phone and takes a bite. 

Lexa pulls her head out of the fridge and turns to Octavia, offering her a bag of carrots. Laughing quietly, Octavia takes it from her and rips it open. Lexa leans over to steal one from the bag, chomping down on it and leaning against the counter beside her. The phone rings on speaker a few times.

“ _ You have 2 messages,”  _ the phone’s monotone voice fills the room, and Clarke just rolls her eyes and motions for it to hurry up. Octavia takes a bite of her carrot. There’s a long beep, and then the first message begins to play.

_ “Hey, O… it’s, uh, it’s Bellamy _ .”

Octavia’s entire body stills.

_ “They, uh, they told me I could call you here. Listen, they’re going to start asking you a lot of questions -- they already did it to me -- about mom, and the fire, and--,” _

The phone is slammed back down onto the receiver, ending the message and letting an eerie sort of silence fall over the room. Clarke glares at Octavia, who’d yanked the cord from her hand to end the message, but the dark haired girl doesn’t dare look at anyone in the room. She just snatches her bag from the couch and storms upstairs. 

Raven, standing in the kitchen, looks to Indra, who just shrugs at her. Clarke rolls her eyes and dials voicemail again, now skipping to the second message. The room is still uncomfortably silent.

“Did you know William Howard Taft was the fattest president?” Lexa offers hopefully with a mouthful of food, trying her best to cut through the tension in the room.

 

* * *

 

Octavia never cries.

That’s one thing she prides herself on. When she fell off her bike and had to get three stitches on her eyebrow, she didn’t cry. When Bellamy accidently broke her favorite action figure, shattering The Incredible Hulk’s arm to pieces, she didn’t flinch. When her mother died, she didn’t even shed a tear. The therapist she saw for a year or so after her mother’s death thought this was a bad thing, but Octavia prides herself on it. She’s not weak. 

After the whole episode downstairs, she’s holed herself up in her bedroom, closing her door as much as she could without warranting a warning from Indra. She’s sprawled out on her bed, laying on her stomach and reading through a chapter in her history book, trying to occupy her mind. But her thoughts keep trailing back to her brother. Where is he? Did they take the house away? Is he in trouble? 

She slams her book shut and shoves it off the bed, at the same time, there’s a quiet knock at the door. Octavia pulls herself together and sits up.

It’s Clarke. “We’ve got dinner,” she says softly, nodding towards the stairs. 

“Huh?”

“We’re on dinner duty, me and you,” Clarke raises an eyebrow. “Did you not see the chart downstairs?”

Sighing, Octavia shoves her things aside and follows Clarke downstairs. As always, Lexa’s on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest and studying another mustard yellow book that she’s balanced on the arm of the chair. Clarke digs through the fridge. 

“Here,” she tosses an onion to Octavia, who scrambles to catch it. “Chop this. Dice it, whatever. It’s for soup.” Octavia nods quickly. 

“Alright, Lex,” Clarke calls out as she searches through the cupboards. “What’s today?”

“ _ M _ ,” Lexa doesn’t even bother looking up. Octavia moves to the sink to start peeling an onion, and Clarke ducks underneath her to retrieve a pot from one of the drawers.

“Meteor,” Clarke calls out. Immediately, Lexa flips through the pages of her book, brow furrowed in concentration. Octavia looks at Clarke questioningly, who shrugs.

“It’s her thing,” she glances over to Lexa. “Encyclopedias. She sends away from them every month. Reads them front to back.”

“It’s a long one,” Lexa notes, clearing her throat before she begins reading. “ _ A meteor, known colloquially as a "shooting star" or "falling star", is the passage of a  _ [ _ meteoroid _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meteoroid#Meteoroids) _ ,  _ [ _ micrometeoroid _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micrometeoroid) _ ,  _ [ _ comet _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comet) _ or  _ [ _ asteroid _ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asteroid) _ into the Earth's atmosphere, heated from collisions with air particles in the upper atmosphere and shedding glowing material in its wake sufficiently to create a visible streak of light.” _

She keeps reading while they cook. Octavia slides the diced onions into the pot with her knife and Clarke tosses her a green pepper.

“Next!” Lexa calls out, tapping her fingers against the spine of the book. Clarke thinks for a moment.

“Mustang.” 

For a while, all that can be heard is the turning of pages and Lexa reciting articles from the encyclopedia. For Octavia, it’s better than the alternative. She doesn’t feel like talking. Not now, not ever.

* * *

 

Dinner is quiet. Painfully so.

Indra asks Octavia how her first day of school was, and when she talks, Lexa quickly looks away. Almost everyone notices this. It was only a matter of time, Octavia supposes.

And, of course, Raven swings her door open later that night and leans up against the frame. “So how’s that rich uncle working out for you?” Her voice is teasing. Octavia freezes.

“I got it out of Lexa. It wasn’t too-- _ Hey _ ... What are you doing?” Raven takes a step forward, suddenly concerned. 

Octavia pauses, looking down at the heavy duty kitchen scissors she swiped. She doesn’t say anything, just holds her breath, adjusts them one more time, and then her pink cast is cracking in half and small chunks of plaster rain down on the bed. Raven just watches as Octavia carefully removes her hand from the cast, holding it up in front of her. She tries to move her fingers, immediately wincing. 

“Well that was stupid,” Raven quips from the doorway. Octavia glares at her. 

“It was too tight,” she mutters, turning her attention back to her hand. It’s bruised, dark blue and purple melting all across her knuckles and down to her wrist. It looks even worse than she thought. 

Octavia didn’t even notice Raven leave, but moments later Raven’s reappearing from the hallway with a first aid kit in her hand and plopping down onto the bed beside the girl. Octavia watches hesitantly as the girl digs out an ACE bandage. Raven holds out her hand and looks to Octavia expectantly. 

Reluctantly, the girl extends her broken hand towards Raven, who holds her wrist and turns her head to study it. “God, you really fucked this thing up,” she shakes her head, carefully uncoiling the bandage around Octavia’s hand, pulling it tight a few times and earning a wince from the girl beside her. 

“Shoulda’ seen the other guy,” Octavia breathes out. Raven pauses, looking up and raising an eyebrow. 

“Did you really punch someone, or is this another one of your lies?” She smirks. Octavia glares at her, whatever trust she had built up for the girl still depleting. Raven just laughs and ties off the end of the bandage.

“ _ Group! _ ” Lexa’s voice rings out from downstairs. Octavia rolls her eyes, studying the new bandage on her hand. Raven stands up.

“Should probably put ice on that, y’know, now that you went all Frankenstein on your cast,” Raven advises before heading downstairs for group. With a sigh, Octavia pushes herself up to her feet and follows her down. 

Lexa and Clarke are already on the couch, and Octavia crinkles her nose when she smells smoke. She wants to throw up when she sees the cigarette in Clarke’s hand. Unfortunately, the only seat left is the one next to Clarke, and she sits down reluctantly after grabbing a drink, trying to only breathe through her mouth. 

Lexa studies Clarke’s box of cigarettes, running her finger over the words. She pauses, grabs her book from the coffee table, and pages through it. 

“Menthol,” she reads aloud.  _ “Terpene alcohol with a strong minty, cooling odour and taste. It is obtained from peppermint oil or is produced synthetically by hydrogenation of thymol. Menthol is used medicinally in ointments, cough drops, and nasal inhalers. It is also used as flavouring in foods, cigarettes, liqueurs, cosmetics, and perfumes.” _

“That sounds gross,” Lexa crinkles her nose and glances to Clarke, who just shrugs and flicks the end of her cigarette over the ashtray. 

Indra emerges from the kitchen with two cups of coffee, handing one to Lexa and keeping one for herself. She sits down in her usual chair, a dark red loveseat with golden embellishments, and takes a sip of her drink before addressing them.

“I got some good news this afternoon,” she announces, warming her hands around the outside of her mug. “Lexa…” she turns to the girl, who immediately perks up. “Your social worker called today. You have a visit with your mother next week.”

Upon hearing this, Lexa nearly spills the coffee in her lap. Her eyes widen and she leans forward. “For real?” 

“For real,” Indra nods. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up until it was final, but they said she’s been having a good spell lately and she’s been asking about you.”

“She has?”

Meanwhile, Octavia notes the silent conversation going on between Clarke and Lexa, who both roll their eyes and shake their heads. She tries to get Raven’s attention, wanting an explanation, but she fails. 

“I’ll tell you more later,” Indra gives Lexa a soft smile. Then, her attention turns to Clarke, who blows a cloud of smoke out in front of her. Lexa grimaces and waves it away, but Clarke just laughs and blows another towards the girl.

“ _ Clarke _ ,” Indra warns her, and the girl holds both hands up as if she’s surrendering. “Care to share what your probation officer had to say?”

“Nothing special,” Clarke shrugs. She digs the end of her cigarette into the ashtray beside her and circles it around a few times. Octavia watches, clenching her jaw. “He just said that the court date got moved back again.”

“Again?” Lexa furrows her eyebrows. Clarke just shrugs, unphased. 

Meanwhile, Raven watches from the other side of the circle as Octavia looks around to make sure no one is watching before leaning over and pouring a few drops of her water into the ashtray. She quickly sets her glass down. Raven raises an eyebrow. 

“Alright,” Indra claps her hands, snapping both Raven and Octavia back to attention. “Time for high and lows. Lexa?”

Lexa takes another sip of her coffee and thinks for a few moments. Clarke cups a hand around her lighter, cigarette in mouth, and lights it. Octavia’s grip on her glass tightens.

“My high is getting to see my mom soon,” Lexa nods quickly, an excited smile on her face. “And I guess… I guess my low would be not getting to see her even sooner.” She shrugs. She turns to Clarke. “Your turn.”

“Tomorrow’s Friday,” Clarke shrugs, blowing out another puff of smoke. Octavia feels sick to her stomach. 

“And your low?”

“That  _ today _ isn’t Friday?” Clarke offers. Indra just rolls her eyes and looks to Raven.

“Mine’s the same as Clarke,” Raven laughs softly. “And, uh, my low is my leg, again.”

“You’ve got an appointment next week,” Indra reminds her. Now it’s Raven’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Yeah, like that’ll fix shit.”

“Language,” Lexa mumbles. Raven just sighs and slumps back in her chair. All eyes turn to Octavia, who quickly looks away. 

“Highs and lows, Octavia?” Indra prompts her. She just shrugs.

“Don’t got any,” she mutters. Indra sighs. 

“I imagine hearing from your brother must fall into one of those categories,” she offers, trying to be helpful, but this triggers Octavia’s anger. She glares across the room.

“That’s nobody's business but mine,” she hisses. Lexa sinks further back into the couch, nervously. 

“Well on that note, I’m going to bed,” Raven claps her hands together, interrupting the tense silence. She pushes herself up to her feet. Clarke quickly follows. Octavia stands to disappear upstairs as well, but Indra meets her eyes and motions for her. 

“The message is still on the machine,” she says softly, pulling Octavia aside. “You can delete it, if you’d like.”

Octavia just nods. As everyone clears out of the room, even Lexa, who quickly catches on, Octavia’s eyes turn to the old phone sitting beside the couch. Glancing around one last time, she sits down slowly, and holds the phone to her ear. It rings the voicemail, once, twice, before there’s a beep and her brother’s voice appears.

_ “Hey, O… it’s, uh, it’s Bellamy _ .  _ They, uh, they told me I could call you here. Listen, they’re going to start asking you a lot of questions -- they already did it to me -- about mom, and the fire, and how we kept quiet all that time.” _

Octavia bites her nails, holding the phone tightly against her ear. She squeezes her eyes shut. 

_ “Just tell them the truth, okay? No more made up stories like before. I’m going to figure something out, O, I promise. I’m 18, I can get you out of there somehow. I’ll figure it out.” _

There’s voices in the background that Octavia can’t make out, and there’s a long pause over the line.

_ “Alright, Octavia, I’ve got to go. Don’t freak out. I love you.”  _

The line goes dead and Octavia hangs up as quickly as she can in order to avoid the awful hiss of dead air. She sits on the edge of the couch for a moment, rocking back and forth slightly. Impulsively, she grabs the phone and clears the voicemail. 


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Octavia gets undressed and falls into bed, it’s started storming. She quickly comes to learn that the old house doesn’t take well to storms. With even the smallest gust of wind, the walls creak and the windows sound as if they’re caving in. She rolls onto her stomach and smothers her head with her pillow to try and block it out. 

“Psst.”

Octavia thinks she’s hearing things, but when she lifts her head, the door creaks open slightly and Lexa pokes her head inside. 

“Wanna hear about materialism?” She holds up her encyclopedia hopefully. Octavia doesn’t miss the quiver in her voice. She sits up slowly, rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t like storms?” 

Lexa takes that as enough of an answer, because soon she’s closing the door behind her and hurrying over to the unoccupied bed. Sitting cross legged, she turns to a dog-eared page in the book and starts reading. 

“Materialism,” she nods softly. Octavia lays on her back, gazing at the ceiling. “ _ Materialism, also called physicalism, in philosophy, the view that all facts (including facts about the human  _ _ mind _ _ and  _ _ will _ _ and the course of human history) are causally dependent upon physical processes, or even  _ _ reducible _ _ to them _ .”

Lexa clears her throat and flips to the next page. And somehow, Octavia finds it easier to fall asleep with Lexa’s voice draining out the storm. By the time they get to “ _ martian _ ,” Octavia’s long gone. 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Octavia’s stirred awake by the hiss of the shower being turned on. She’s quick to grab her things and make her claim to the second bathroom, relaxing as soon as she steps into the shower and the hot water soothes her muscles. It’s a bit of a struggle to wash her hair with one hand, but she manages. 

Holding her towel around her with one hand, Octavia stumbles out of the shower and digs through the drawers in search of a comb. Coming up empty, she huffs and turns to the medicine cabinet adjacent to the mirror. Something else catches her attention, though, and before she can stop herself she’s studying the translucent orange bottle of pills, turning it around in her hand. 

_ Raven Reyes. Take by mouth as needed for pain. _

Octavia winces and quickly puts the bottle back, shutting the medicine cabinet a little more forceful than necessary. Suddenly she feels guilty for having found them. 

By the time she gets dressed and goes downstairs, everyone’s just getting ready to leave. Lexa offers her a shy smile, handing her a piece of toast. Octavia thanks her, holding it in her mouth as she tugs her backpack over her shoulders. And with that, they’re off.

“You’re telling me it’s nearly 80 degrees out and you’re wearing a jacket?” Raven raises an eyebrow at Lexa, who shrugs.

“I like it,” she hums, smoothing out the hem of the floral peach sundress she’s wearing. Over it, she’s clad in an olive green jacket that serves as more of a parka. Raven just laughs, and Lexa hopes down the front steps and across the sidewalk. Raven and Octavia exchange glances, but Raven just shrugs and follows her. 

Lexa peels an orange as they walk, tossing the peel into the grass beside them. She offers Octavia a slice, who takes one and keeps her eyes focused on her feet, stepping on every crack in the sidewalk. Clarke diverges from them, taking a left turn when they hang a right. Lexa just shakes her head and keeps walking.

“Was your dad a smoker?” 

Octavia jumps when Raven appears beside her, and she moves to walk in the grass so the girl can have more space. Mouthful of orange, she raises an eyebrow at the girl.

“Saw you putting out Clarke’s cigarettes yesterday,” Raven shrugs, glancing over at the girl. “Figured you had something against smokers.”

“Oh,” Octavia whispers, her eyes quickly diverting away. She hates the tense silence between them, though, so she just shrugs. “If he was I wouldn’t know. Never met him.”

“Join the club,” Raven laughs under her breath. Taken aback, Octavia glances over at her, and Raven just offers her a sad smile and a shrug. 

Lexa pushes the crosswalk button four times.

* * *

 

 

“Lexa, hey.”

Octavia weaves through the crowd of students, grabbing onto the arm that she’d spotted poking out of an army green jacket. Lexa flinches, turning around quickly and looking at her in confusion.

“I’m not walking back with you guys,” Octavia explains, pausing to catch her breath. “There’s this party, I got invited, I’m getting a ride there,” she motions with her hands. Lexa furrows her eyebrows.

“You’ll miss dinner,” the girl whispers, lowering her voice and looking around to make sure no one overheard them. 

“Doesn’t matter,” she shakes her head. “Just let Indra know where I am.”

Lexa nods reluctantly, tugging at the straps of her backpack. Octavia flashes her a thankful smile before disappearing back into the sea of people surrounding them.

* * *

 

 

When Octavia returns to the house, it’s just a few minutes shy of midnight. And it’s pouring rain. She ducks under the front porch, coughing and shaking the water out of her hair. The blue light coming through the windows signals that Lexa’s awake. She tries the door, but it’s locked. Sighing, she taps on the window, drawing Lexa’s attention. Octavia points to the door, and Lexa pads over, opening it just a crack and peering out at the girl.

“Can I come in?” Octavia raises an eyebrow, annoyance in her tone. Lexa shies backwards, leaving the door open and taking a few slow steps back towards the couch. She glances over her shoulder at Octavia.

“Are you--?”

“Don’t,” Octavia sighs and shakes her head. Biting her lip, Lexa offers the girl a nervous smile before sinking back down onto the couch in front of her television. Octavia’s up the stairs and collapsing in her bed within seconds. 

She’s been home for less than a minute before there’s a knock at her door. Octavia lifts her head half-heartedly, her messy wet hair thrown across her pillow. A beam of light from the hallway seeps into the room as the door is pushed open a crack.  _ Raven _ .

“Hangover cure,” the girl says softly, holding up a small glass. “Doesn’t taste too great going down, but it saves you a whole lot of trouble in the morning. I’ll just leave it here.” She takes a few steps forwards to set the glass down beside Octavia’s bed.

“I didn’t drink,” Octavia mumbles. She rolls onto her back and focuses her eyes on the ceiling. She feels Raven still beside her and holds her breath. Raven’s eyebrows stitch together when she notices the gash on Octavia’s forehead, blood smeared down her cheek. 

“Did they find out?” Raven’s voice softens. All Octavia can offer her is a slight nod. With a sigh, Raven sinks down to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Two days, damn,” she shakes her head. “Think we’ve got a new record.”

“You make no sense,” Octavia mumbles. She brings a hand up to her head and presses two fingers to the cut, holding them in front of her and grimacing at the red stain they leave behind. 

“Everybody here lies about where they’re from,” Raven shrugs. “Even Lexa.”

Octavia shifts her position slightly so she can sit up, blinking a few times to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. “Did you?”

“Yep,” Raven laughs softly. “Used the same rich uncle schlick that you did. Cept’ mine was the owner of a restaurant.” She motions for Octavia to scoot closer and reaches over to grab a handful of tissues from beside the bed. Holding Octavia’s chin in one hand, she carefully dabs at the cut on her forehead with the other. “So who was it?”

“Huh?” 

“Who did this?” Raven nods once, showing Octavia the bloody tissue. Octavia grimaces.

“That would be me,” she mutters, rolling her eyes. “I walked home. I took a shortcut but then I got lost. It was dark and I ran straight into one of those diagonal electrical wires.”

“Smart move,” Raven laughs and shakes her head. “So they didn’t retaliate?”

“Huh?”

“You know…” Raven thinks for a moment, setting her hands down in her lap. “When they found out…. they didn’t like… go after you?”

Octavia shakes her head.  

“That’s a first.”

Tilting her head to the side, Octavia takes a moment to study the girl. “I take it you’ve been here a while?”

Raven stands up, throwing the dirty tissues away and keeping her back turned for a few moments. She shrugs. “Depends on what you consider ‘a while’,” she slowly sits back down on the edge of the bed. “Been here since I was 15. Anya used to have me beat by a year but then she aged out of the system. This was her old room.” She pats the bed. “How’s the hand?” 

Octavia notices the fact that Raven tried to change the subject. She looks down at her hand, shrugging with one shoulder. “Hurts more without the cast.” Looking back up, she nods to the girl’s leg. “When does yours come off?”

She regrets it as soon as she says it, and something in Raven shifts. The girl lifts her leg, looking at it, and then laughs under her breath. “Doesn’t,” she shakes her head. “Wish it did.”

Immediately, Octavia’s rushing to apologize. “No, oh my god, I’m an idiot,” she shakes her head and holds up a hand as if she’s surrendering. “That was so inconsiderate of me--,”

“I’ve heard worse,” Raven interrupts her, trying to keep the mood light. “Trust me. When they first brought Clarke here, her first words to me -- if i remember correctly -- were ‘Who kicked your ass?’”

Octavia frowns, but Raven just laughs softly. “She’s improved since then, as you can see.”

Nodding softly, Octavia picks at the bandage on her hand. “So how’d  _ she _ get here?”

“Shoplifting,” Raven scoots back on the bed. “ _ And then _ resisting arrest when she was _caught_ shoplifting.” This makes Octavia laugh quietly.

“That’s when they found out she’d run away from home,” Raven glances out to the hallway. “She threatened to throw herself off a bridge if they even thought about sending her back home.” 

“Shit,” Octavia mumbles. Raven just nods. 

“Yeah. Her dad was a pastor of some sort,” she rolls her eyes. “I think he got a little too aggressive with his kids sometimes, but I’m not sure. Clarke refuses to talk about it.”

“Oh,” is all Octavia can say, her eyes moving down to her hands. The bed shifts and Raven stands up, grabbing the glass from the nightstand.

“I take it you won’t be needing this anymore,” she laughs. “There’s asprin and shit downstairs if your head bothers you,” she adds with a small nod. Octavia lays back in the bed when Raven turns for the door. But then, her footsteps stop and there’s a few moments of silence.

“T’was a car accident,” Raven’s voice is quiet, and she leans against the doorway, keeping her back turned to the girl. “My leg got caught in the door. Crushed all my nerves.”

Octavia’s breath catches and her eyes go wide. She sits up slightly, taken aback by Raven’s sudden confession. “I…” she struggles to find the right words. “I’m sorry…”

“Everyone is,” Raven shakes her head, still not making eye contact with the girl. She pushes off of the doorframe. “Night.”

And with that, she’s gone, leaving a confused Octavia in her wake. As soon as she’s left alone, Octavia slumps back in the bed and curses herself.  _ Sorry _ ? Really? That’s the best she could do? She groans, rolls over, and tugs the blankets over her head. 

All night long she can hear the faint sound of Lexa calling out Jeopardy answers.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Octavia slowly makes her way down the stairs. It’s earlier than she usually wakes up, but she’d barely gotten a wink of sleep anyway. Rubbing her eyes, she pauses at the bottom of the stairs. Lexa sits on the couch, her wet hair tied up in a bun. A Wheel of Fortune rerun plays on the TV, and Octavia wanders over to sit on the couch next to her.

“Morning,” Lexa mumbles, a mouthful of cereal. Octavia watches curiously as the girl digs her hand into the box of Fruity Pebbles between them. Carefully, Lexa picks through the cereal, dropping three red flakes into her bowl of milk, dunking them under with her spoon, and then scooping them up into her mouth. She repeats this with every color. Orange, then yellow, then green. Somewhere inbetween, Octavia fishes her hand into the box and grabs a handful of dry cereal for herself, leaning back on the couch as Lexa mumbles the answers to the contestants on the screen. 

Some time later, Raven wanders downstairs, hugging a knitted blanket around her shoulders. She stands behind the couch for a few moments, yawning and studying the television before slipping past them and into the kitchen. She returns shortly after, cupping her hands around a coffee mug and lowering herself down into one of the old armchairs.

“Clarke snuck out again,” she finally speaks up, tapping her pointer finger against her mug. “Didn’t even both to close the window.”

Lexa furrows her eyebrows. “Will she get in trouble?”

“Not if she’s back before Indra realizes she’s not asleep,” Raven shrugs, turning to glance down the hallway where Indra’s bedroom is. They’re the only three awake, it seems. 

Dropping another three flakes into her bowl, Lexa taps her spoon against her bottom lip and shakes her head. “Where does she even go that’s worth breaking probation for?” 

“Who knows,” Raven shrugs. She takes a sip of her coffee, clears her throat, and sets her mug down on the table. “Is this the one where they lose the million dollar prize?”

“ _ Shh _ ,” Lexa shakes her head and nods to the screen. “Don’t spoil it.”

Octavia looks to Raven with a raised eyebrow, but the girl just laughs quietly and leans back in her chair. Lexa drops three green flakes into her bowl. 

* * *

 

 

Indra digs out enough lunchmeat and bread so they can have sandwiches for lunch. Lexa and Octavia sit on the edge of the island, their feet hanging down, and Raven leans against the counter across from them. Indra pauses as she’s cleaning up, looking back and forth between all three girls. 

“Getting along?” she raises an eyebrow. Lexa nods quickly. Raven just shrugs.

“Where’s Clarke?”

“Asleep,” Raven’s quick to reply. Lexa tenses from beside them. They all exchange glances when Indra heads over to the bottom of the stairs. 

“Alright, Clarke!” she calls up, tapping her hand against the banister. “It’s almost noon, come down and eat something.” Lexa looks to Raven worriedly when silence follows. 

Just as Indra’s about to make her way up the stairs, they hear heavy footsteps above them. Lexa sighs, letting her shoulders drop in relief. Clarke trudges into the kitchen moments later, her hair a mess, dark circles around her eyes from her makeup. Raven stifles a laugh. 

“Thanks,” Clarke mumbles, snatching the half eaten sandwich out of Lexa’s hands. The girl looks shocked at first, but she quickly recovers.

“It’s spicy mustard,” Lexa warns her. Clarke just shrugs, shoves half the sandwich in her mouth, and steals what’s left of Raven’s orange juice. Octavia looks at Raven questioningly, but all she gets is a roll of the eyes and a shrug in return. 

“I’ve got to run out to the grocery store,” Indra announces, grabbing her keys from a hook on the wall. Lexa quickly hops off the counter.

“Me too?”

Nodding softly, Indra turns to the rest of them. “Be good,” she warns them, her gaze resting on Clarke. Raven just dismisses her with a hand, and Lexa’s already got the front door wide open. As soon as they hear the car start in the driveway, Clarke’s headed back upstairs. 

“Goodnight!” Raven calls after her, a smug smile on her face. Clarke flicks her off from over the banister.

Now just the two of them, Raven makes herself busy by collecting their dirty dishes and rinsing them off in the sink. Octavia sits quietly on the counter, thinking pensively for a few moments. 

“I can’t believe you’ve been here the longest,” she speaks up, spurring Raven to pause and lean against the counter, drying off a plate in her hand. The girl tilts her head to the side.

“Why? Figured I’d have offed myself by now?”

Octavia nearly gasps, and then she quickly shakes her head to clear herself up. She stops though, when she sees Raven laughing. So, rolling her eyes half heartedly, she just shrugs and hops off of the counter. “S’not that. I just… you’re so…” she stumbles over her words, motioning to Raven with one hand. “ _ Normal _ .”

Raven finds this hilarious, and she tosses the rag over her shoulder. “If only you knew…” she shakes her head.

“Then tell me,” Octavia’s suddenly pushes forward, and she takes a step closer to the girl. “Make me know.”

Raven glances back to her, raising an eyebrow. “No can do, kiddo, I like to keep my friendships for more than a week.” Octavia’s left standing in the kitchen as Raven wanders over and falls back onto the couch, surfing through the channels. 

“So we’re friends now?” Octavia notes, raising an eyebrow. Raven doesn’t respond, and Octavia huffs in frustration. 

It’s silent for a while as Octavia digs an ice pack out of the freezer and unwraps the bandage around her hand. She hisses when she presses it to her bruised knuckles, and bites down on her lip as she flattens her hand out on the counter.

“So how’d your grand old lie get exposed?” Raven clicks off the TV, finding nothing on interest, and turns around on the couch to watch Octavia. The dark haired girl sits down at the island, icing her hand, and shrugs.

“I told them.”

This effectively confuses Raven. “You told them?”

“You heard me,” Octavia mumbles. Knowing Raven will keep pushing the topic, she just shakes her head and turns to head upstairs. As soon as she shuts her bedroom door, Raven calls out “door!” from downstairs, and she rolls her eyes half-heartedly. 

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day passes by quickly, mostly because Octavia barricades herself in her room to try and catch up on all the make-up work the teachers have assigned her. After dinner, she ends up falling asleep halfway through a math worksheet, her broken hand hanging off the bed and her hair sprawled over her textbook.

It’s around midnight when the alarm sounds. Raven’s jolted awake when she hears the four telltale warning beeps, and then the alarm blares throughout the whole house. Clarke stirs in the bed across the room, and they both sit up in confusion. It takes them a moment to understand what’s going on, but when they hear rushed footsteps downstairs, they exchange wide eyed glances.

Just as Raven stands up to go see what’s going on, Lexa bursts into the room. 

“She wouldn’t listen to me,” Lexa shakes her head quickly, visibly distressed. 

“What are you talking about?” Raven rubs her eyes. Clarke groans and falls back onto the bed, covering her face with a pillow. 

“Octavia,” Lexa throws her hands down to her sides, not knowing what to do with them. “She… she… I told her but she didn’t listen, I…”

“Alright, calm down,” Raven grabs Lexa’s shoulders. “Show me.”

Lexa drags Raven down the hallway, peering around the corner of the wall before nodding for Raven to follow her. They lean over the banister adjacent to the stairs that gives them a view of the living room. Quietly, the two girls watch as Indra leads Octavia back into the house, a blanket around her shoulders. She helps the girl sit down on the couch and then quickly closes the door behind them. Even in the dark, Raven can see the girl is shaking. 

“She just went outside,” Lexa whispers. “I tried to tell her not to.”

Raven nods slowly, holding a finger up to her lips to silence the girl. Lexa clamps her mouth shut, leaning further over the railing. Raven practically has to pull her back to keep her from falling face first. She tugs the girl back down the hallway. 

“Just go back to bed, Lexa,” she says quietly, glancing behind them. “Indra will get mad if she knows we’re eavesdropping.”

“But--,” Lexa starts, but quickly takes her words back when she sees how serious Raven is. With a quick nod, she tiptoes back down the hallway and shuts her door as quietly as she can. Raven takes a deep breath and sits down on the edge of her bed, rolling her eyes when she realizes Clarke’s already fallen back asleep.

* * *

 

 

Octavia doesn’t even know what happened. All she knows is one second she was mid-nightmare, and then suddenly she was rushed forwards into reality when Indra grabbed her by her shoulders and repeated her name over and over. When she had looked down, her feet were planted in the middle of the street. 

So she let Indra lead her back inside, and now she’s sitting anxiously on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest and trying to slow her breathing. She still feels like she’s in the dream, she still feels like she’s just ran a marathon, she still smells smoke. It always takes her a while to recover after a nightmare, but now she’s just in a haze of confusion.

“Here,” Indra walks back over, handing her a mug of something warm. “Drink.”

It’s tea. Octavia takes a few sips and nods softly. Indra sits down on the arm of the couch and studies the girl for a few moments.

“Another girl who passed through here was a sleepwalker, but the most she did was wander downstairs and fall asleep in a different room,” Indra laughs softly. “I guess we’ve got our hands full with you.”

“This has never happened before,” Octavia clears her throat and brings a hand up to her pounding forehead. “I don’t even remember… I…”

“You’re probably not even fully awake,” Indra notes. “It’s best you just try and go back to sleep.” 

Octavia just nods, standing up and wiping her eyes. “Thanks.”

“You’re alright?”

“M’fine,” she mumbles. “G’night.”

When she goes back upstairs, though, she doesn’t go into her bedroom. Instead, she grabs one of the towels from the hall closet and slips into the bathroom. Something pushes her to take a cold shower. Her whole body feels numb, but her forehead is burning up. She’s desperate to just wash it all away. 

The shower squeaks as it comes to life, spitting cold water out and slowly turning into a stream. Octavia takes a deep breath, closing the door behind her and stepping under the water. It’s cold at first, but she ends up cranking the knob to the side, making the water even colder. She wants to scrub her skin until it falls off.

She’s slowly starting to remember what the nightmare had been about. Normally, her nightmares end with her being cornered by the fire, but this time she’d managed to run through it and get to the front door. When she escaped the house in her dream, she realizes, she must have also been doing the same in real life. 

“ _ Shut up _ ,” she mutters to herself, pressing her hands against her forehead and squeezing her eyes shut. The water drips down her face, and she forces herself to take a deep breath. It feels like she’s gasping for air at this point. Everything’s catching up with her. She just wants to go  _ home _ . 

Eventually, she hugs a towel tight around her small form and tiptoes out of the shower. When she slips across the hallway to grab a comb, she nearly gasps when Raven’s in the other bathroom, digging through the medicine cabinet. They look at each other for a few moments in awkward silence. 

“I won’t ask,” Raven mumbles before tossing a pill in her mouth and throwing her head back to take a swig of water. She swallows and then looks back to Octavia, who just nods softly. 

Once Raven disappears back into her bedroom, Octavia gets dressed and wanders down to the other end of the hallway, having noticed the light coming from underneath Lexa’s door. She knocks quietly.

“It’s me,” she whispers, pushing the door open slightly and peering in. Sitting cross legged on her bed, Lexa looks up from her book and gives Octavia a nervous smile.

“Wanna watch Jeopardy?” Octavia bites her lip. Within seconds, Lexa’s on her feet and hurrying downstairs. 

Octavia falls asleep in the middle of their second episode, curled up in the beanbag chair. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you learn a shit ton about octavia and raven in this chapter ay  
> lemme know what you think!! i'm excited to see where this goes
> 
> oh also! i made an octaven playlist and it goes along with this fic so i'm just gonna leave that here:  
> http://8tracks.com/txrches/made-from-the-fire-an-octaven-mix

On Sunday afternoon, all the girls are sent upstairs so Clarke can meet with her social worker in the living room. Octavia’s working on homework when there’s a knock at her door.

“Hm?” she lifts her head, expecting Lexa or Raven. However, she quickly sits up when an older woman pokes her head in the door.

“You must be Octavia,” she smiles. “May I come in?”

“Who are you?”

“Your new social worker,” the woman walks over to shake her hand. Octavia clenches her jaw when she takes a seat on the bed beside her. “I read over your file this morning.”

“And?” Octavia slams her textbook shut and shoves it aside. 

“It’s… a lot.”

Octavia just scoffs.

“I thought you’d be happy to know that your brother isn’t in any serious trouble,” she continues, and Octavia stiffens. “As far as I know he’s currently staying with a friend of his in the neighborhood.”

“And the house?” Octavia’s voice softens.

“What about it?”

“What’s happening to it?” the dark haired girl looks down at her hands. 

“My guess is they’re going to continue trying to sell it,” the social worker shrugs. “The electricity hasn’t even been on for… for  _ years _ , Octavia. How did you two manage?” 

“We made do,” Octavia shrugs, clenching her fist. “No one’s gonna buy it,” she adds. “It’s haunted.”

“I was under the impression that you and your brother started that rumor to keep people away from it.” 

Octavia looks away. “It’s  _ our _ house.”

“I know you may have an emotional attachment to your childhood home, Octavia. We all do,” the social worker sighs. Octavia scoots away from her. “But legally, the house isn’t yours. Or your brother’s. The state repossessed it. The state’s the one who funded all the repairs after the fire. The state--,”

“ _ I get it _ ,” Octavia sighs. If it wasn’t for her broken hand, she’d probably have already punched something by now. She pauses to take a deep breath before looking back to the woman. “When can I see my brother?”

“I looked into that,” she nods. “But the state wants to get court approval before I can schedule a visit for you two. They’re concerned you two may negatively influence each other.”

“He’s my  _ brother _ ,” Octavia gapes, her shoulders rising. “And  _ ‘schedule a visit _ ’? What the hell does that mean? You can’t just keep us apart!”

“It’s out of my hands, Octavia.”

Octavia shuts off at this point. The rest of the meeting consists of her just nodding and agreeing with whatever the social worker says, paying more attention to the fraying string on her jeans than anything. Eventually, the visit ends awkwardly, and she follows the woman back downstairs. 

Octavia stands in the doorway, absentmindedly turning the knob back and forth as she watches the social worker start her car and drive off. Clenching her jaw, she whips her head around and slams the door shut. The walls shake and something falls over on one of the shelves. When Octavia turns to go back upstairs, she pauses when she realizes Lexa’s been here the whole time, laying upside down on the couch with a book in her hands. 

“Listen to this,” Lexa offers Octavia a sad smile, sitting up and tracing her finger over the book. “ _ Blades of grass are called ‘blades’ because they actually do cut your skin, just so small that the naked eye cannot see. That’s why sitting on grass can cause skin irritation.” _

“Awesome,” Octavia mutters under her breath, disappearing without another word. 

 

* * *

Raven gets home from lunch with her social worker later that afternoon, feeling no more motivated or inspired than she had before. She tosses her bag aside, but pauses when she sheds her jacket. There’s commotion upstairs. She looks to Lexa for an explanation, who’s still hanging upside down from the couch and reading. The curly haired girl just shakes her head, and stoic look on her face.

Raven raises an eyebrow, but hangs her jacket up and quickly makes her way to the stairs. Lexa sits up quickly. 

“Bad idea,” she calls after Raven, but her words are ignored. Raven’s already halfway up the steps. 

She pauses outside Octavia’s door, flinching when something hits the other side and slams it shut. Unsure what to do, Raven listens as something else is thrown across the room, and footsteps hurry to follow it. Raven pushes open the door and just narrowly dodges the dresser drawer that skids past her. Octavia freezes. There’s a split second where the both stand there, staring at one another, but it’s over when Octavia shakes her head and continues digging through her drawers.

“You don’t understand,” Octavia mutters, throwing a handful of clothes to the ground. “You don’t--,” 

“Octavia…” Raven takes a step forward, but the girl flinches away from her. 

“Don’t!” she glares at Raven. “Don’t touch me.” 

So instead, Raven takes a slow step backwards, watching as Octavia clears out the last drawer from her dresser and kicks it across the floor in frustration. Raven wants to ask her what she’s doing, but she knows better. 

“You don’t understand,” Octavia repeats herself, moving over to her nightstand. Her path is interrupted, though, when she nearly trips on something sticking out from underneath her bed. She pauses, immediately sliding to her knees and tearing through the suitcase. Her eyes widen when she pulls a manilla folder, and she empties it onto the floor. The whole entire mood in the room shifts. 

Raven catches a glimpse of something pink before Octavia snatches it up, hugging it against her chest. Suddenly, she isn’t throwing things across the room anymore. The dark haired girl quietly sits on her bed, pulling her legs up underneath her and taking a deep breath. Raven watches awkwardly from the doorway. 

Octavia places the paper in her lap, holding her breath as she runs her fingers across it. Raven takes a cautious step forward, and then another, and then, slowly, she sits down a foot or so away from Octavia on the edge of the bed. 

Octavia doesn’t move away, so Raven quietly looks at the picture in her hands. It’s a crudely cut heart, made out of pink construction paper. “Mother’s Day,” is written in purple crayon, and wiggly circle of glitter glue outlines a picture in the middle. Leaning closer, Raven recognizes one of the two faces.

“That’s her?” she whispers, biting her lip. 

Octavia doesn’t even look at her, she just keeps her eyes on the picture, pressing her fingers against it and giving Raven the slightest of nods. With a sigh, Raven scoots closer and puts an arm around the girl. And, surprisingly, Octavia doesn’t shove her away. Instead, she leans over and rests her head on Raven’s shoulder, still looking at the picture. 

“You look like her,” Raven says softly, gently squeezing the girl’s shoulder. She feels Octavia exhale slowly. “Even there. Same dark hair and light eyes.”

“It was a fire,” Octavia blurts out before she can stop herself. She can feel Raven tense beside her, and she forces herself to keep her eyes down. “It was a fire,” she repeats herself. 

“You don’t have to--,”

“My brother was the one who woke me up,” Octavia keeps talking, forcing herself to confide in the girl. “After everyone went to bed I used to sneak downstairs and watch TV when I wasn’t supposed to, and I always fell asleep on the couch. If I hadn’t had been downstairs I don’t think I would’ve… you know…” 

Raven nods softly. Octavia runs her thumb over the picture, her hands shaking slightly from how tight she’s holding it. 

“The fire was on the upper level, but they think it spread down through the wires because the entire front door was like… red hot,” she shakes her head. “My brother burnt his hand trying to open it.”

“I was screaming for my mom the whole time but… I never knew how  _ loud _ fire was. I couldn’t hear anything.” Raven looks down. “We were young… we didn’t really know what to do so we started going back upstairs to try and find her. But it was so smokey and I couldn’t see, I just kept coughing.”

“I don’t really remember the rest, but apparently one of our neighbors broke a window on the first level and yelled for us to follow his voice, and then helped Bellamy climb through and carried me out.”

“The next thing I remember clearly is sitting on the back bumper of the police car and refusing to let go of my brother,” Octavia runs a hand through her hair. “He says I kept trying to hit any of the officers that came near us because I thought we were being attacked or something.”

“We weren’t supposed to find out she was dead right then. But I guess one of the neighbors was yelling at an officer and Bellamy overheard him say something like ‘ _ What are these kids gonna do without a mother!? _ ’ I remember he like... stood up  _ so _ quickly and everyone turned to look at us. I can still hear his voice when he asked them if she was dead. And then I just started screaming for her and running towards the house, and one of the firefighters had to make a grab for me and his arm ended up knocking the wind out of me, and I was just coughing and screaming her name over and over and punching him to try and get out of his arms…”

Octavia trails off, catching her breath and looking away. “We didn’t even go to the funeral. We were supposed to stay at the neighbor’s house overnight but Bellamy waited until they went back to bed and then made me climb out the window with him. We’d watched a lot of movies about siblings who got separated, you know? He didn’t want that to happen.”

“Did they ever catch you?” Raven speaks up for the first time. Octavia shakes her head.

“Not until last week,” she presses a hand to her forehead. “It was all him, he somehow kept us under the radar. He was 13 at the time. Somehow they believed we were staying with our uncle in Massachusetts. I’ve never even been to Massachusetts.” She laughs bitterly. 

“How old were you?”

“Just turned seven.”

Raven takes a deep breath. 

“We slept in the dugout of a baseball field at an elementary school for the first month. The school didn’t even have a baseball team so… we were pretty hidden. Then they fixed the house and put it up for sale and… we just… kinda moved back in.” Octavia shrugs lightly.

“How’d you pull that off?” 

“Kept all the curtains closed. Never used the front door. Electricity was out so no one ever saw lights on or anything,” she bites her lip. “We walked two miles to a new school every morning to avoid our old one.” 

“I guess we kinda took on alter egos to stay hidden, you know?” Octavia thinks for a moment. “Bellamy cut his hair really short and you couldn’t even recognize him, because he used to have this wild mop of curly hair that he got teased for. He got everyone to start calling him Blake. Made me tell people my name was Olivia and just go by ‘O.’”

“We got more careless as we got older, though. Bellamy used to dig up the ‘For Sale’ signs and just shove them in the garage. Once some guy caught us in the backyard and started yelling at us for trespassing. We had to spend a night away from the house just to be safe,” she shrugs. “But in high school most of my friends knew who I really was and kept it a secret. By then I was old enough to take care of myself.”

“Not according to the state,” Raven notes. Octavia rolls her eyes.

“Unfortunately not,” Octavia shakes her head. “ _ You know, _ you manage on your own for  _ nine _ years, and for some reason they think it’s in your best interest to separate you from your only family and strip away any sense of familiarity,” her voice grows cold and she turns to look at Raven. “Makes perfect sense, right?”

“None of this makes sense,” Raven sighs. Defeated, Octavia leans into her side and clutches the picture between both of her hands.

“M’sorry for dumping that on you,” Octavia mumbles after a short period of silence. Raven just laughs softly.

“Don’t be,” she shakes her head. “I hear everyone’s stories at one point or another. They make mine seem a little less fucked up.”

Octavia’s about to ask Raven what  _ her _ story  _ is _ , but she’s interrupted by the sound of the front door being opened and closed, and someone calling up “ _ Dinner!” _ Octavia sits up quickly with wide eyes. 

“You clean this up,” Raven’s on her feet within seconds, motioning around the room. “I’ll cover for you downstairs.” All Octavia can muster is a soft nod, and then Raven slips out of the room.

(Later that night, there’s a knock at her door, and when Octavia opens it, she almost steps on the plate of food left in the hallway for her. Raising an eyebrow, she looks across the hallway into Lexa’s room, but the girl sitting on her bed just points to herself and shakes her head.)

* * *

 

 

“Alright Lexa, you start us off for highs and lows.” 

Octavia’s seated cross-legged in one of the kitchen chairs, next to the couch where Raven and Lexa sit. Lexa’s drinking her tea as always, and Raven’s combing through her wet hair, flicking water across the circle to Clarke every few seconds until Indra sends a warning glare in her direction.

“My low is that we have to go back to school tomorrow,” Lexa thinks for a moment. “And my high…”

“I talked to my social worker today,” she nods. “I get to see my mom on Wednesday.  _ Wednesday at 12:00,  _ she said.” The girl looks around the circle and then smiles widely. “That’s in three days.” 

They all offer her smiles of excitement, but Raven glances over to Octavia and shakes her head. Octavia raises an eyebrow, but by then Lexa’s already nudged Raven to let her know it’s her turn.

“My low’s the same as Lexa,” Raven nods once, high fiving the other girl. “And I turn 18 in 5 months, does that count as a high?” 

“Hell yeah it does,” Clarke speaks up from across the room. Raven laughs but Lexa scolds her for ‘language.’

“And Clarke?” Indra turns to the girl. 

“My low is this stupid headache,” Clarke furrows her eyebrows together and shakes her head. “A high…” she looks around the room, thinking. “The weather’s nice?” She shrugs. All eyes then turn to Octavia, who shyly looks away.

“Octavia?” Indra prompts her. Raven watches hesitantly.

“They’re keeping me away from my brother,” Octavia admits, surprising even herself. Lexa tilts her head to the side curiously. “That’s a low.”

“And a high?”

Octavia bites her lip and looks down at her hands, picking at her bandage. “Is it okay if I don’t have one?” she asks quietly, looking back up. Surprisingly, Indra just gives her a soft nod from across the circle and changes the subject. 

Raven reaches over to squeeze her shoulder, and Lexa offers her a butterscotch candy from the middle of the table. Octavia smiles shyly back to them. 

* * *

 

 

That night, just as Octavia’s about to go to bed, someone slips into her room from the dark hallway. She looks up and tilts her head to the side. Avoiding her eyes, Raven holds something in both her hands and sits down on the end of her bed. She pages through the book -- a photo album -- and then places it in Octavia’s lap. 

“That’s mine,” she says softly, pointing to a picture of a woman in a floral sundress, holding a smaller girl on her hip. Octavia studies it for a moment.

“That’s you?” she points to the child in the picture. Raven nods. “And that’s your…?”

“Mom,” Raven finishes her sentence for her, taking the album back into her lap and flipping to the next page of pictures. “These are some of the only photos I’ve got of us. Probably one of the only good memories, too.” 

“How old were you here?” Octavia points to another picture. 

“Six,” Raven nods. “I only got these a year or so ago.” She points to a blurry picture of the beach. “We went on this vacation... at least, that’s what she called it. We were on the run from another one of her psycho ex-boyfriends and made a stop in Ocean City for a few days.”

Octavia nods softly, glancing at the pictures and then back to Raven.

“It’s funny, actually,” Raven half-smiles. “At the time I didn’t really understand the concept of paying for things in a store, so when we went to the boardwalk, I just slipped this camera into my mom’s purse thinking it was free. She thought it was the funniest thing when we got back to the hotel and found it. Even after it ran out of film I would pretend it was a real camera and point it at everything.” She holds up her fingers as if she’s holding a camera and turns to Octavia, making a clicking noise with her mouth. The dark haired girl laughs softly. 

“Last year they sent it back to me along with a bunch of other shit of my mother’s, I guess the people investigating her suicide never considered there’d be someone she left behind,” Raven’s voice grows softer. “If I hadn’t had looked into her case when I got older I would’ve never gotten any of this back.”

There’s a few seconds of silence and Raven slowly realizes what she’s said. Octavia slowly traces her fingers over the pictures. “Did… did she…?”

“ _ Yeah _ ,” Raven’s voice is barely a whisper. She closes the photo album and shoves it aside, and Octavia braces for her to storm out of the room. But instead, Raven just sighs and lays back on the bed. “It’s a long story.”

Taking a chance, Octavia mimics her and lays back, both of them staring at the ceiling. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”

“You sure?” Raven turns her head so she’s looking at Octavia, who does the same. “This is your last chance to back out.”

“I’m sure,” Octavia laughs softly and nudges her shoulder. “I told you mine, remember? You owe me one.”

Raven nods, gazing back up at the ceiling. “Alright…” she thinks for a few moments, suddenly forced to revisit an onslaught of memories she’d tried to forget. “Well. It was a week or two after that vacation I told you about.”

“The psycho ex-boyfriend finally got arrested for a DUI,” Raven nods. “She had a lot of those, by the way. My mom… she was…  _ alright _ . I don’t think she ever really loved me in the way that you’d expect a mother to love their daughter, you know? She loved men a hell of a lot more than she loved me.”

Quietly, as she listens, Octavia slides the small photo album between them and starts paging through the pictures. She tries to put herself in Raven’s shoes, studying the small girl who seems so happy and carefree in the photographs.

“She had her good days. Occasionally. The bad days were a lot more common, though. Like, one time... I remember one of her boyfriends brought me this brand new bike for my birthday. It was bright red. Had streamers coming from the handles and everything,” she laughs softly. “But when I woke up the next morning it was gone. She sold it for drug money.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Wish I was,” Raven just laughs and shakes her head. “She’d drink or snort or smoke anything she could get her hands on. She used to inject stuff, too. But she stopped doing it in the house after she found me playing with one of the used needles,” her voice grows softer. “It was…  _ confusing _ , you know? I remember wanting her approval so badly and doing whatever I could to get it. It was never enough.”

“Anyway,” Raven clears her throat, trying to shake off her nerves. “I woke up from a nap one day after we got back from the beach. Found her in the bathtub. Her fingertips were turning blue.” Raven pauses to hold up her own hands in front of her, studying them.

“Was she…?”

“Dead. She was dead,” Raven nods once. “There were pills all over the floor.” She pauses. “I don’t think I had a moment like you did… I didn’t scream or try and shake her awake or anything. I honestly don’t remember too much of it. They tell me they found me the next morning curled up next to her. Apparently I’d cleaned up all the pills, too. Put them back in the right bottles and everything.”

Raven sniffs, and Octavia sees her wipe her tears from the corner of her eye. She looks back and forth from Raven to the picture in front of her, of tiny Raven hanging upside down from the bed in the hotel room, her mouth open in a wide smile. 

“I’m sorry,” Octavia whispers, shaking her head. “I know that sounds stupid, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“S’fine,” Raven shakes her head and gives her a sad smile. “They just shuffled me through the system after that. I lost count after 6 foster homes, I think,” she furrows her eyebrows. “A lot of families take in kids thinking that they’ll fit in right away, you know? Like they could just go to the store and pick out the perfect child and they’ll be the perfect family. They don’t want to make the effort to fix the broken kid.” Her voice cracks and she pauses.

“And then I got older and gave up on ever bonding with any of these families,” she shrugs. “And now I’m here. This home’s the closest thing to family I’ve got.”

“M’sorry,” Octavia mumbles again. 

“Stop apologizing,” Raven laughs and nudges the girl’s shoulder. She sits up, trying to lighten the mood that’s fallen over the both of them. “So there. Now we’re even. Not so normal now, am I?” 

Octavia pushes herself up to sit beside Raven and shrugs. “Are any of us?” 

Raven thinks about this for a moment before sighing. “Good question.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love my angsty children

Octavia really hates school.

It’s not that she doesn’t like learning, because she does. But she hates feeling like an outsider around her peers. Something’s put a wedge between her and most of them unconsciously, as if she just can’t find any way to connect with these people. Her situation seems so different from theirs. 

With a deep breath, she keeps her head down and ducks around the back of the courtyard. After Friday night, she doesn’t dare go near anyone else. So instead, she’s the first to the brick wall, where Lexa usually sits. 

When Raven slips outside, the first person she notices is Octavia, sitting awkwardly by Lexa’s usual spot. She feels equal parts happy and guilty. Making her way over to the girl, she offers Octavia a sad smile and hops up to sit on the wall beside her. 

“How’s Monday treating you?” Raven laughs softly, digging a brown paper bag out of her backpack. 

“Average,” Octavia shrugs. Raven holds a half of her sandwich up, raising an eyebrow at Octavia, who takes it gently. “Thanks.”

“Hi,” another voice appears. Lexa pops up from behind them and climbs over the wall, sitting cross legged. She offers them both a small smile before stealing a drink from Raven’s water bottle.

“You’re unusually cheerful for a Monday,” Raven comments. Lexa just shrugs.

“Today’s not so bad,” she mumbles, a mouthful of food. “No one’s said anything to me.”

“That’s a good thing?” Octavia speaks up. Lexa nods contently.

“She gets a lot of shit from some people,” Raven tosses a grape in Lexa’s direction. “Some more than others,” she adds quietly, nudging Octavia and then pointing across the courtyard to a table full of guys. 

Octavia just nods softly, but Raven pauses when she notices something different. A dark back eye on one of the students she’d motioned to. She couldn’t miss it if she tried. Raven turns to look back at Octavia, but the other girl quickly looks away. 

Once they throw away their trash and Lexa disappears in search of her next class, Raven grabs ahold of Octavia before she has a chance to slip away. Pulling her aside, she raises an eyebrow at the younger girl. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Octavia quips back, a little  _ too  _ quickly. 

Raven just grabs Octavia’s non-bandaged hand and turns it over. Of course, there’s tell-tale bruises on her knuckles. Octavia yanks her hand away.

“And what would have happened if you broke  _ that  _ hand too?” Raven tilts her head to the side. 

“I didn’t,” Octavia mutters, shaking her head. “I didn’t aim for the nose.”

“I can tell,” Raven laughs, glancing over her shoulder. “Seems like his eye took most of the beating.”

“I have to go to class,” Octavia tries to hurry away, but Raven’s too quick for her. The girl grabs her backpack and pulls her back, coming face to face once more with a now-annoyed Octavia.

“Why’d you do it?”

“He deserved it,” Octavia huffs and shrugs her backpack out of Raven’s grip. “He doesn’t know anything…” she mutters under her breath. “Not a damn thing.”

“Did he say something?” Raven crosses her arms. Octavia just sighs.

“He started saying shit about this girl in his math class. And then I realized it was Lexa,” Octavia rolls her eyes. “He got what was coming to him, okay?”

“So you defended Lexa.”

“I defended  _ myself _ ,” Octavia shakes her head. “We all come from the same place.”

“So  _ that’s _ why no one’s messed with her today,” Raven notes.

Octavia groans and leans against the wall, her shoulders dropping in defeat. “It’s also why no one sat beside me in history.” She rolls her eyes. And then, on a last minute’s impulse, looks to Raven hopefully. “Can we leave? I hate it here.”

“You want to skip?” Raven raises an eyebrow, an amused smile forming on her face when Octavia nods. 

“Follow me,” Raven laughs softly, nodding towards the door and then hurrying to blend into the sea of students. Octavia sticks close behind her, eventually reaching out to grab a hold of her backpack so she doesn’t get lost. They catch Lexa at her locker, and Raven leans beside her.

“We’re leaving early today,” Raven gains Lexa’s attention, who hugs a textbook to her chest and tilts her head to the side. “Wanna come?”

“You’re just… not going to class?” 

“Yep,” Raven nods. “You coming or what?”

“I…” Lexa hesitates, pausing to glance up and down the hallway. “I mean… I’d rather not have to walk home alone…” Octavia can see the slightest of smiles tugging at her lips. And Raven reaches out to squeeze the girl’s shoulder.

“C’mon, kid, you deserve a day off,” Raven laughs, nodding to the end of the hallway. 

And so, with that, Raven’s digging through her backpack and holding up a keycard in victory. Octavia raises an eyebrow when she scans it next to the back exit, and it works. The locks click off and Raven smirks, holding the door open as they make their way outside. 

“How?” Octavia laughs, glancing back at the building. 

“It’s all magnets,” Raven shrugs, tucking the card back into her pocket. “Pretty easy to manipulate if you have the know-how,” she points to her head jokingly. Octavia rolls her eyes.

“If we go home Indra will be mad,” Lexa notes, kicking a pebble as they walk. She glances at her watch. “She doesn’t leave until 12:43.”

“We aren’t going home yet,” Raven shakes her head. “I figured we’d walk down to the tracks.”

Lexa nods quickly. “I’m fine with that,” she smiles softly, kicking an empty can across the parking lot. 

 

* * *

 

After ducking behind a dumpster, hopping a fence, and taking a shortcut through someone’s backyard, the three girls end up wandering down a seemingly-endless set of train tracks. Lexa’s a ways ahead of them, balancing on the metal rods, while Octavia and Raven trail behind.

Eventually they sit down on the tracks by a small pond, where Lexa skips rocks absentmindedly. Octavia leans back on her hands, closing her eyes and feeling the sun warm her face. This beats being in school any day. 

“Octavia?” Lexa tosses another rock in the pond before turning to look at the girl. 

“Hm?”

“What was your mom like?”

Octavia’s taken aback by the question, but she just shrugs. “She was cool.”

“Yeah, but what was she  _ like _ ?” Lexa prods. “Was she pretty? Was she a good mom?”

Octavia nods. “Yeah. I, uh… I don’t know how to describe her. She was always patient with us. She never really yelled or raised her voice. Always made sure to tell us how much she loved us…” she trails off. “She was basically the opposite of everything I am.”

“I doubt that,” Raven speaks up. Octavia just glances over at her and shrugs. Lexa tosses another rock.

“What about you, Lexa?” Raven changes the subject. “You nervous to see your mom?”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Lexa shakes her head. “Nope,” she smiles. “I haven’t seen her in a while. My social worker says she’s been asking about me.” The curly haired girl pauses, turning a stone around in her hands. “Maybe we’ll get to go home soon.”

Raven looks at Octavia nervously before turning back to Lexa and nodding softly. “I’m sure you’ll get to go home before you know it, Lex.”

“It’s  _ Lexa _ ,” the other girl corrects her.

“Is Lexa short for Alexa?” Octavia raises an eyebrow. Almost immediately, Lexa’s head drops and she doesn’t reply. 

“It’s short for Rolex,” Raven answers for Lexa, exchanging glances with Octavia. “Her mom told the doctors that was her name.”

“Like the watch?”

Raven nods. 

“It’s not her fault,” Lexa mumbles. “They wouldn’t put her on the good medicine because she was pregnant with me.” She tosses another rock and then leans her head back. “Schizophrenia...” she speaks softly from memory. “ _ A psychotic disorder marked by severely impaired thinking, emotions, and behaviors. The term schizophrenia comes from two Greek words that mean ‘split mind.’ Schizophrenia is the most chronic and disabling of the severe mental disorders, associated with abnormalities of brain structure and function, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations _ .”

“Ro _ lex _ ,  _ Lex _ a, get it?” Raven explains to Octavia, who nods.

“Where’s the A from?” 

“Azalea,” Lexa whispers. “My mom’s middle name.”

Raven and Octavia look at one another. Octavia raises a questioning eyebrow but Raven just shakes her head, as if to dismiss her further questions. 

“Alright,” Lexa hops to her feet, brushing off her hands on her jacket. “We should get going. House is…” she glances to her watch. “Empty. Coast is clear.”

Octavia stands up and offers Raven her hand, earning a confused glare from the girl. However, she allows Octavia to help her to her feet, giving her a shy half-smile.

* * *

 

 

Clarke’s sitting on the front step when they arrive back to the house. A cigarette hangs out of her mouth as she aimlessly flicks through the mail. She looks up, mumbling a “finally” when Lexa hopes up the stoop to unlock the door. 

“Indra only trusts Lexa with the key,” Raven glances to Octavia. “For obvious reasons.” 

Octavia just laughs, shaking her head and following the other girls into the house. She goes out of her way to step on Clarke’s cigarette, digging her heel into the ground. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Raven, either. Who slips inside behind her. 

“Tonight’s pizza night,” Lexa announces as she digs through the wicker chest behind the couch. Smiling triumphantly, she holds up a game of Monopoly and looks to the other girls hopefully. “Wanna play?” 

Clarke looks to Raven, who looks to Octavia, who shrugs and plops down on the couch.  “I call the thimble.”

* * *

 

 

Tuesday comes and goes uneventfully. Wednesday is when things start to get interesting. 

“Hit me,” Octavia mumbles, holding out her bowl of milk to Lexa, who fishes in the box of cereal and drops a handful into her bowl. Octavia mumbles a thank you and hops onto one of the stools at the island, rubbing her eyes. 

“I see my mom today,” Lexa nods excitedly, tapping her spoon against her bowl.

“We know,” Raven’s raspy voice appears, making her way down the stairs. She yawns, stretching out her arms. “You woke me up last night to remind me.” Octavia laughs from across the room.

Grabbing a spoon, Raven leans over the counter and steals a bite from Octavia’s bowl, who doesn’t flinch. She’s used to it by now. 

“I don’t have to go to school either,” Lexa hums, dropping three more pieces of cereal into her milk. Raven rolls her eyes in Octavia’s direction, earning a soft laugh from the girl.

“Neither do I,” Raven reminds her. 

“That reminds me,” Indra speaks up from her seat at the kitchen table, a laptop and papers spread out around her. “Octavia, do you have your license?”

“It’s upstairs. Why?”

Indra thinks for a moment, looking to Raven and then to Lexa. “I forgot Raven had her appointment today and I’ve got to take Lexa to see her mom. If I take the bus and leave you the car, can I trust you to drive Raven to the doctor?”

Raven’s eyes widen. “But--,”

“I’m not rescheduling it again, Raven,” Indra warns her. Raven’s eyes flicker downwards.

“I can drive her,” Octavia shrugs. “It’s no big deal.”

“That means you get to skip school, too,” Lexa informs her from across the room, giving her a thumbs up. Octavia laughs, but Raven just tosses her spoon into the sink and disappears back upstairs. 

“What was that all about?” Indra looks to Octavia for an answer, getting nothing but a shrug in response.

“Raven hates physical therapy,” Lexa mumbles with a mouthful of food. “She says it’s ‘ _ stupid, useless, and painstakingly demeaning _ ,’” she nods. “She said a couple bad words about it, too.” 

Sighing, Indra closes her laptop and turns to Octavia. “Can I count on you to get her there?”

“I’ll try my best,” Octavia shrugs. 

With a soft nod, Indra glances to the stairs. “Should I even bother waking up Clarke?” 

“If you have a death wish,” Octavia mumbles. Lexa shakes her head.

“There’s no use. If she has to walk to school on her own, she’ll never even make it to the crosswalk.”

“Alright,” Indra holds up her hands as if she’s surrendering. “I guess you all have the day off.” She moves to the fridge, plucking a purple sticky note from it and holding it out to Octavia. “That’s the address. Car keys are on the front hook.” 

“Gotcha’.” 

“If we’re taking the bus we better head out now,” Indra turns to Lexa and snaps her fingers. “Go grab your things, c’mon.” Within seconds, the curly haired girl is scrambling upstairs. Octavia sees them off, earning an excited hug from Lexa. When the door closes, she turns around and glances to the stairs. She has a feeling this is going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

Octavia manages to get Raven into the car, but it takes a bit of convincing on her part. Raven tries to coax her into lying and just skipping the appointment altogether, but Octavia doesn’t let up. So, eventually, they’re pulling out of the driveway, a grumpy Raven in the passenger side of the car.

“This is it,” Raven mumbles her first words as they pull up in front of a large brick building. “You can just let me out here.”

“You don’t want me to come in?” Octavia raises an eyebrow. “I can just sit in the waiting room…”

“No,” Raven shakes her head, a little too quick for Octavia’s comfort. “Just… just be back in like an hour.”

“Are you s--?” Octavia starts, but is cut off by Raven’s door slamming shut. With a heavy sigh, she watches the girl disappear into the building before pulling into an empty parking spot and turning off the car. She finds a book in the glove compartment leans her seat back, figuring she has an hour to kill.

When Raven returns, it’s abrupt. Octavia’s startled when the door is thrown open and Raven slides in, slamming it behind her. The whole car shakes. Tossing the book aside, Octavia turns to look at the girl, concerned.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Appointment’s over,” Raven mutters, not even looking in Octavia’s direction. There’s defeat in her voice, and Octavia hesitates with her hand on the keys for a moment, debating whether or not she should say something. When Raven leans against the window and sighs heavily, Octavia quietly starts the car.

It’s silent between them for a while, but Octavia can’t hold it in forever.

“Does it hurt?” Her voice is hesitant, and she sees Raven tense out of the corner of her eye. The girl sits up slightly and looks to Octavia questioningly.

“Your leg,” Octavia nods once. “Can you feel it?”

“S’complicated,” Raven shrugs, leaning forward and squeezing the knee of her brace. “It’s just… complicated.” Octavia hears her take a deep breath. 

“Is the guy in jail?”

Raven raises an eyebrow. 

“The guy who did this… the other driver,” Octavia stumbles over her words. “Is he in jail?”

She hears Raven sigh and lean back against the window, and she kicks herself for being too nosy. Raven picks at a hole in her jacket for a few moments, before shaking her head.

“There was no other driver.”

“What do you m--?”

“T’was an old pickup,” Raven sighs. Octavia pulls into the driveway of the house and parks the car, but neither of them make a move for the door. There’s a long pause of silence before Raven squeezes her eyes shut.

“I was with my old foster father at the time. I was fifteen,” she opens her eyes and exhales slowly. “We were supposed to be going to pick up one of his kids from a soccer game but he went down this unfamiliar road. Started getting all… you know…” she motions with her hand. 

“I don’t…”

“ _ Touchy _ ,” Raven grimaces at the word. Octavia shivers. “He started talking about how… how he didn’t understand why someone let a pretty girl like me end up in the system. Saying I needed someone to take care of me.” She pauses again, swallowing hard. “He started reaching over, trying to… you know…” 

This time Octavia catches on.

“And then… he just… he kept on getting frustrated when I moved away,” Raven continues. “Like it was my fault, you know…?” Octavia nods softly, but the other girl doesn’t dare meet her eyes. “Started going on about how he made  _ all these sacrifices _ to bring me into his home… saying I should be  _ thankful _ …” 

Her words are sharp, lingering in the air between them and making Octavia hold her breath.

“I don’t know what I thought it would do…” Raven sighs, closing her eyes once more. “I was just… so…  _ jumpy _ . My heart was racing.” She holds a fist to her chest and raps it a few times, Octavia mimics her. “He started to pull me closer with one hand and reach over with the other…. He was driving with his knee. So I just panicked… you know? I just panicked and I… I grabbed the wheel.”

Octavia’s eyes widen.

“I just wanted to scare him, you know? Show him I’d retaliate if he messed with me,” Raven anxiously tugs at her ponytail. “But then… I guess we swerved into the opposite lane, cause the next thing I know someone’s laying it down on their horn and he’s yanking the wheel in the opposite direction.”

Octavia can almost see it, small slivers flashing through her mind. It makes her feel sick to her stomach, and she slowly pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging her arms around them. Raven takes a shaky breath, looking down.

“The inbetweens are blurry,” she admits, bringing a hand to her forehead. “All I know is the truck flipped over the guard rail and my door was the point of impact.” Octavia’s jaw tightens. “Basically, somehow, my leg had gotten wedged between the door and the seat. So when we hit…” she snaps her fingers. “Crushed it.”

Octavia can’t help but wince, imagining the god-awful sound of metal against metal. She shakes her head and looks away. “But he’s in jail, right?” is all she can ask, seeking  _ some _ sort of justice.

Raven laughs, it’s a bitter sort of laugh and it makes Octavia feel stupid for even asking. “I was the one who grabbed the wheel, remember?” Raven shakes her head. “It was all too easy to blame it on the unstable foster kid.”

“They blamed it on you?”

Raven nods. “Sent me away and reimbursed him for a new truck.”

Octavia’s hand curls into a fist. “But he was about to…” she trails off, motioning vaguely. “Did you tell anyone? Did you fight it?”

At this point, she notices the tears in Raven’s eyes and bites her lip. The girl beside her just shakes her head, inhaling shakily. 

“Been fighting it all my life, kid. Never works,” Raven just blinks through her tears and gives in, reaching up to wipe her eyes with the cuff of her jacket. “If I’d have told them, they never would have believed me.” She sighs. “I guess sometimes you just get fed up with swimming upstream.”

Unsure of how to respond, Octavia looks down and breathes in deeply.

“Fucked up, right?” Raven’s voice is cold. “Should’ve just let him rape me. No one would’ve believed me either way.” She’s muttering, now, her voice barely audible, but she’s heard loud and clear. 

Her words hit Octavia straight in the chest, and she feels as if she’s struggling to catch her breath. “Don’t say that,” she mumbles, shaking her head. 

“Say what?”

“That no one would’ve believed you,” Octavia squeezes her eyes shut. 

“Well…” 

“I would’ve,” Octavia nods. “I do.”

Raven tenses, glancing to Octavia before looking away and nodding slowly to herself. Reaching for the door, she pauses. “We should get back inside,” she looks up. “Looks like it’s gonna storm.”

The air between them deflates like a balloon, and Octavia just nods quickly. “Yeah, yeah, sure,” she mumbles, shaking her head and pulling the keys from the ignition. She’s out of the car before Raven is.

Just as she’s unlocking the house, Raven grabs her arm. “Hey, wait.” Octavia turns around slowly.

Taking a deep breath, Raven just gives the girl a soft nod. “ _ Thank you. _ ” And right away, Octavia can tell that those words are almost foreign to the girl. A sad smile tugs at her lips. She just nods, unlocking the door.

“If I ever see the guy, let me know, okay? I’ll punch him with my good hand,” she gives Raven a soft smile and pushes the door open.

“Shut up,” Raven can’t help but laugh, shoving Octavia’s shoulder as she slips inside past her. Pulling the door shut, Octavia just smirks and kicks off her shoes.

“I’ll hook him with both hands if this thing ever heals,” she adds, holding her her bandage and grimacing. Raven rolls her eyes.

“Just don’t aim for the nose this time.”

“Oh, shut up.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke orders pizza, and for once the three girls are left home to their own devices. With Lexa and Indra gone, they crowd into the living room, kicking their feet up on the table and arguing over what to watch.

“If you change the channel one more time I swear to g--,”

“Hey, look, Hell’s Kitchen,” Clarke interrupts Raven, a teasing smile on her face. She turns up the volume, causing Raven to shrug. Octavia sits cross legged in the beanbag chair, amused by the playful banter between the two. It’s the first time she’s ever seen Clarke in a good mood.

They watch an episode of Hell’s Kitchen and then Raven steals the remote, turning on some sappy Hallmark movie just to annoy Clarke. They’re mid-argument, with Raven about to throw a pillow, when they hear keys in the door. The look Raven and Clarke exchange doesn’t go unnoticed by Octavia. 

The door swings open and soon Lexa’s swiftly crossing the room, headed for the stairs. Octavia perks up. 

“How was t--?” 

Raven clamps a hand over the girl’s mouth, making Octavia’s eyes go wide. She waits for the heavy footsteps to disappear up the stairs before she moves her hand away. Octavia opens her mouth to question her, but then a door slams so hard that the entire house shakes. Octavia flinches.

“Again?” Clarke speaks up. Octavia follows her gaze to Indra, who stands in the doorway, looking defeated. 

Indra just sighs and shakes her head. “Every time.”

Octavia, confused, looks to Raven for an explanation. But she doesn’t get one. The other girl just gives Octavia a look that tells her not to ask any questions. Clarke mumbles something under her breath and shuts off the TV. The silence that follows is deafening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun
> 
> come talk to me - txrches.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

Lexa’s door remains closed for the rest of the night. Even Indra doesn’t make a comment about the usual rule. When Octavia passes her room before going to bed, she presses her ear against the wall quietly. All she can hear is the hum of the air conditioning. 

She should’ve known she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. Her body’s started training itself to stay awake after she’s constantly shaken from sleep from her nightmares. It’s as if she’s scared to fall asleep because she knows the way in which she’ll wake up. So she tosses and turns until she’s had enough. Frustrated, she resists slamming her door shut as she slips out into the hallway and navigates the stairway in the dark. 

Something’s off. She pauses. Lexa isn’t on the couch like usual. There’s no Jeopardy rerun on the TV. It’s nearly pitch black. Octavia crinkles her nose. She doesn’t like this. 

The dark haired girl digs through the fridge and holds a leftover piece of pizza in her mouth, tiptoeing across the kitchen and searching for the remote. However, she nearly gasps when she turns around and there’s a figure on the couch. Narrowing her eyes, she takes a step forwards. Raven? 

The girl’s asleep, one leg curled underneath her, her head tucked in her arms which lean on the side of the couch. Furrowing her eyebrows, Octavia hesitates for a moment before carefully moving to sit on the far end of the couch, giving Raven as much space as possible.

She curses under her breath when the figure beside her stirs. Octavia, remaining completely still, watches awkwardly as Raven comes to, rubbing her eyes and blinking a few times.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Raven jumps when Octavia speaks, and she quickly turns to look at the girl. Confused, she squeezes her eyes shut and turns to look around the room again. “Why aren’t you in bed?” she asks, her voice scratchy. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Octavia nods to the girl, motioning to her with her piece of pizza. Raven looks down and then back to Octavia, eyebrows furrowed. 

She shrugs. “T’was tired.”

Octavia just nods and takes a bite of her pizza, kicking her feet up on the coffee table. “Me too.”

“That’s odd,” Raven raises an eyebrow. “You’re tired and yet you’re down here eating a slice of pizza.”

Octavia pauses, her eyes darting downwards. “My body’s tired. It’s my mind that isn’t,” she taps the side of her head. Raven nods in understanding.

“You’re preaching to the choir,” the other girl sits up carefully, biting her lip as she adjusts her braced leg. Octavia notices this and raises an eyebrow.

“You good?”

“Fine,” Raven grits her teeth, but replies a bit too quickly. Octavia purses her lips. She wants to say something, but she knows better. Sighing, she shoves the last of her crust in her mouth and stands up, dusting her hands off.

“M’headed upstairs,” she nods softly. She makes her way around the couch, but pauses. “You coming up too?”

She sees Raven hesitate. The girl doesn’t turn to look at her, instead she just shakes her head. “I can’t.”

“What?” Octavia takes a step back towards the girl.

“The stairs,” Raven’s voice is quiet, laced with embarrassment. She gestures vaguely and then lets her shoulders drop. “I can’t.”

Now Octavia moves to stand in front of her, her eyes darting back and forth from Raven to the staircase. “ _ Oh _ ,” is all she can muster, the word a small whisper between them.

“It just… does this sometimes,” Raven shakes her head and lifts her leg with both of her hands. Her wincing doesn’t go unnoticed by Octavia, who holds her breath. “They call it ‘phantom limb’ or something,” she explains, rambling nervously, unable to meet Octavia’s eyes. “Happens to a lot of people like me.” She reaches down, massaging around her ankle. “It’s like… I can’t feel the leg, but I can feel the pain. Does that make sense?”

“I…” Octavia bites her lip. “Do you need an ice pack?”

Raven can’t help but laugh at this, and she shakes her head. “I wish that could fix it, kid.” Octavia looks away.

“If you balance on one foot I could help you,” she offers, trying to come up with a solution. The younger girl holds out her hand to Raven, hoping to help her to her feet, but Raven just looks at her, a sad smile on her face, and shakes her head. 

“It’s not worth it,” her voice is small. “I’m fine, Octavia,” she waves the topic away with her hand, trying to dismiss the girl to leave. But instead, Octavia glances to the stairs one last time before resuming her spot on the couch beside Raven.

“Well then I figure you could use some company,” she resolves, offering her a shy smile. Raven isn’t sure how to respond.

And so, Octavia snatches the TV remote from the coffee table and starts flipping through the channels. 

“This place only gets like 5 channels,” Raven mumbles. Octavia turns to a 1980’s horror movie, rolls her eyes, and continues searching. 

Eventually, Octavia gives up and they end up watching infomercials. The younger girl slumps back on the couch, scoffing and shaking her head.

“That could  _ never _ work,” she motions to the television. “Look at it! That’s so fake.”

“Shh,” Raven giggles, nudging the girl’s shoulder. “People are sleeping.”

“This is bullshit,” Octavia whispers, managing to make Raven laugh even harder. 

“There’s a simple solution to that, you know,” Raven shakes her head. “You just don’t buy it.”

“But it looks cool,” Octavia mumbles. “Imagine if it really  _ did _ work.”

“And what would you ever need magnifying glass glasses for?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

“ _ Two _ magnifying glass glasses,” Octavia corrects her, pointing to the TV. “It’s a special deal if you call within the next 5 minutes. We could both have a pair.”

Raven reaches over and unplugs the phone, making Octavia laugh and bury her head in a pillow. 

Some time passes, with both girls half-heartedly throwing out insults to the television to make each other laugh. Octavia pulls her legs up to her chest, resting her chin atop them and yawning. “Raven?”

“Huh?” the other girl looks over, turning down the TV a few notches.

“Does it still hurt?” Octavia asks quietly. “Your leg?”

Raven just nods slowly. “Unfortunately.”

“What’s it feel like?” 

“I…” Raven thinks for a moment. “It just… well, right now it feels really hot. But like… pulsing.” She shakes her head, unable to articulate. “The best way I can think to describe it is like… like a cavity, but in my leg. You know?”

Octavia grimaces and brings her hand up to her mouth, remembering the countless times she’d had cavities as a child. Raven looks away, feeling embarrassed.

“Where’s it hurt?” Octavia inquires again. 

“You ask too many questions.”

“I’m serious.”

Sighing, Raven leans down and feels around her ankle. “Mostly where I start gaining the feeling back,” she explains. “But… it just depends. Some days it’s worse than others.” 

And then, gently, Octavia’s scooting over and laying back, resting her head in Raven’s lap. “Does this hurt?”

Taken aback, Raven shakes her head quickly. 

And so Octavia yawns, content. “M’kay,” she mumbles, wiping her eyes. Raven can tell she’s tired. And yet, now Raven’s wide awake, caught off guard. She doesn’t know what to do with her hands and she’s practically afraid to move.

Octavia looks up at Raven, the blue light of the television reflecting in her pupils. “What’re you gonna do when you leave this place?” she asks quietly. Yet another question. Raven isn’t used to this.

“I…” Raven hesitates. “I haven’t thought about it much.” As she thinks, she absentmindedly reaches down to brush Octavia’s hair out of her face. Octavia shivers.

“Me and Clarke have talked about renting a place together,” Raven thinks out loud. “A small apartment or something.” She shrugs. “I’ll probably get a job. College is pretty much out of the picture for me. I don’t have that kind of money.”

“When you were little what’d you say you wanted to be when you grew up?” 

Raven laughs at the memory. “An astronaut.” Octavia can’t help but smile. 

“I could see it,” she nods softly, feeling Raven’s fingers still in her hair. “I wanted to be a police officer until I found out that they all don’t drive motorcycles.”

“So technically you just wanted to be a motorcycle driver,” Raven notes. Octavia laughs.

“Yeah, but you can’t make a living on being a badass.”

“Why not? Tons of people are badass for a living.”

“Like who?” Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“Chuck Norris.”

“I’m nothing close to Chuck Norris,” Octavia giggles. Raven furrows her eyebrows.

“You wouldn’t stand a chance against him.”

“I can’t argue with you on that one,” Octavia shrugs. She turns slightly to look at the TV. “Look at this bullshit,” she motions. “They’re still trying to make Shamwow a thing.”

“I think Lexa has one somewhere,” Raven laughs softly.

“Of course she does.” Octavia yawns, pausing in thought for a few moments. “How many of those things do you think it would take to clean up an entire pool?”

“Is this all you think about at 2 am?”

“Occasionally.”

* * *

 

 

Somehow, between their playful banter, Octavia ends up falling asleep. The next thing she knows, she’s waking up on the couch, one of Raven’s hands still tangled in her hair. With a quiet yawn, she studies Raven’s sleeping figure, how she appears at so peace in her sleep, her face free from worry. Octavia could have laid like that forever, had she not been startled by the sudden sound of something scraping across the kitchen floor.

She lifts her head to find Lexa, eyes dark and sullen, standing atop a chair to retrieve something from the pantry. Octavia keeps quiet, not alerting Lexa of her presence just yet. Across the room, the curly haired girl retrieves a box of cereal and hops back down to the ground. It’s only then, when she turns around, that Lexa meets Octavia’s eyes and realizes she’s awake.

“Good morning,” Octavia’s voice is soft. Rising from her spot on the couch, she’s about to join Lexa in the kitchen, but freezes when Lexa’s grip on the cereal box tightens. And then, the girl is hurrying back upstairs, abandoning the bowl and carton of milk she’d laid out on the counter. The slamming of her door reverberates throughout the house, loud enough to wake Raven from her slumber. And when she stirs, the first thing she sees is Octavia, who stands staring at the stairs, a puzzled expression on her face.

“We have school,” is the first thing Raven says, rolling back her head and working out the kink in her neck. Octavia glances over to the girl. Images of the night before slowly come back to her. She gives one last fleeting look to the stairs before groaning. 

“Don’t remind me.”

And just like that, last night seems to fade away. Since neither of them addresses it -- the fact that Octavia slept half the night with her head in Raven’s lap -- it suddenly becomes unspoken, something they’re both well aware of, yet neglect to mention. Which is why a tense silence follows, leaving Octavia tugging anxiously on the sleeves of her shirt.

Luckily, Clarke trudges downstairs moments later, simultaneously tugging her hair up into a bun. She pauses at the landing, looking back and forth between the two girls. “Sleep well?” The knowing smirk on her face doesn’t go unnoticed by Octavia, who hurries to look away.

“Here,” Clarke tosses a handful of clothing in Raven’s lap, dropping a purple toothbrush atop it. “I didn’t know if you wanted jeans or leggings, so I just grabbed both,” she shrugs. Watching this, Octavia begins to realize that Raven’s night on the couch might not be a rare occurrence.

“Thanks,” Raven’s voice is barely audible. Clarke holds out a hand, and soon Octavia’s hurrying over to help pull Raven to her feet. However, once she’s standing steady, Raven shoves them both away when they try to lead her forward.

“ _ I’ve got it _ ,” she hisses, her voice sharper than usual. Both girls are quick to move aside, well aware that Raven doesn’t mean it personally. It kills Octavia to watch Raven -- holding tightly to the clothes Clarke had brought down -- wince and limp her way over to the bathroom. Everything in her screams for her to do something, but Clarke tugs on her sleeve, shaking her head. She knows well enough that trying to help Raven would only result in another outburst.

Only once she hears the bathroom door shut does Octavia jog upstairs to get herself ready, and even then she rushes to get dressed and hurry back downstairs. By then, Raven’s leaning against the entrance to the kitchen, her hands fiddling with the adjustments on her brace. Quietly, Octavia slips past, keeping her distance while still holding a watchful eye on the girl. Knowing Raven’s frustration, she’s settled on staying quiet until the girl makes a move. She fears she’ll end up angering her even more if she insists on helping her.

“We’ve got ten minutes,” Clarke reappears, nodding to Octavia. “Toaster’s under the island. You know where the bread is?” 

Octavia nods, quick to follow her instructions. She lugs the shiny metal toaster onto the counter.

“Throw one in for me,” Raven finally speaks up, motioning to the toaster. Octavia just nods, and soon she’s piling a stack of toast on a plate and grabbing one for herself. Clarke takes two, one for herself and one for Raven, who nods softly in thanks.

“You good to walk?” Clarke asks carefully. Raven just nods and insists that the worst of it is over, that she’s done this a million times before.

As Raven’s talking, footsteps storm down the stairs. All of their heads turn, but before anyone can get a word in, Lexa’s already out the door. Octavia flinches when it slams shut. 

Clarke’s the first to break the silence that follows, sighing heavily and grabbing her backpack. “I guess that’s our cue to head out.”

The walk to school is silent aside from Raven’s occasional request to take a break. So when they arrive, they’re already late, the first bell has rung and the hallways are desolate. Octavia, however, still stays behind to make sure Raven gets to her first class, taking the long way around the building. 

As they walk, Octavia pauses, noticing a familiar face in one of the classrooms. She offers Lexa a soft smile, but the girl looks away quickly, pretending she hadn’t seen. When Raven glances back and sees this, she sighs heavily. Octavia frowns, then hurries to catch up.

“How long will this last?” Octavia looks to Raven as they walk. All she gets in return in a one-shouldered shrug. 

“You haven’t even seen the worst of it.”

* * *

 

 

And unfortunately, Raven’s right. It only gets worse.

The next three days pass quietly, granted. All the other members of the house tread cautiously. Octavia feels as if she’s walking on eggshells. Lexa hasn’t spoken to, let alone looked at anyone in days. She moves like a ghost, only appearing to dig through the fridge in the middle of the night. The rest of the time she’s disappeared in her room, making no sound. Yet Octavia notices that her light remains on at all hours of the night.

_ Night _ . That’s when things go downhill. 

It’s another rainy Friday, forcing everyone inside. Even Clarke, who rarely sets foot in the house on Friday nights, is holed up inside thanks to the violent rainstorm. They eat dinner in silence, each one waiting on the edge of their seat, quietly listening for any signs of life in the bedroom above them. Octavia feels like they’re waiting for a bomb to be diffused. If only she understood the irony.

And then, inevitably, night falls. Octavia finds a bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom and downs two, praying she’ll actually be able to sleep soundly. Which she does… for an hour or two. But then it happens.

Octavia hears it first, brought out of her sleep by the sound of something shattering. Quickly sitting up, she strains to hear over the sound of wind whipping around the house.

It happens again, this time it’s a bang strong enough to shake the walls. The glass of water beside her bed vibrates, water rippling within. Now wide awake, Octavia’s on her feet and out in the hallway within seconds.

That’s when she realizes --  _ Lexa.  _ Now, Octavia’s hurrying forwards, knocking on the door. “Lexa? Are you--?”

Just as she starts to push the door open, something slams it shut from the other side. She has to yank her bandaged hand away to keep it from getting crushed. There’s another thud -- louder this time, and Octavia starts to panic. 

“Guys?!” she calls out, looking to both ends of the hallway. She jiggles the doorknob, ramming her shoulder against the door, but coming up empty. It’s locked. She looks around anxiously. “Indra!”

To her relief, the door at the end of the hallway swings open and Clarke hurries out with Raven not far behind. Octavia’s then pushed aside as Clarke slides to her knees in front of the door, fishing a bobby pin out of her messy hair and snapping it in half. Raven places a hand on Octavia’s shoulder, drawing the girl’s nervous gaze.

“What’s going on?” Octavia looks to her for an explanation. But by then, Clarke’s wedged the bobby pin into the knob and managed to unlock the door, which she nudges open a crack. Looking back to Raven one last time, she takes a deep breath before pushing the door wide open. And there stands Lexa, shattered remnants of her window scattered across the room.

For less than a split second, the girl pauses to acknowledge their presence. But within an instant, she’s back to tearing the sheets from her bed, wide eyed and manic.

“Lexa…” Clarke begins, holding out a hand and stepping forward. Octavia immediately moves to follow her, but Raven catches hold of her arm and pulls her backwards. Just in time, too. Moments later, Lexa’s grabbing her bedside lamp and winding it around. It crashes into the wall, right where Octavia would have been standing, shards of blue clay scattering across the room and into the hallway.

“She’s insane!” Lexa speaks -- no, screams -- for the first time in days. Her voice is gravel, rough in the back of her throat. Octavia catches her eyes for just a second -- red and bloodshot -- dark enough to make her stumble back into Raven’s arms, shocked.

Just as a shelf of encyclopedias topples down to the floor, leaving a nasty hole in the wall, Indra practically sprints up the stairs. Raven and Octavia immediately move aside.

What happens next only confirms to Octavia that this is far from this first time they’ve dealt with this. Because as soon as Indra meets eyes with Clarke, they silently nod at one another before pushing their way into the room.

Clarke grabs a hold of her first, catching Lexa’s arm before she can yank the drawer from her nightstand. Panic flashes in Lexa’s eyes when she turns to look at Clarke, and just as Indra reaches for her other arm, Lexa starts thrashing, desperately trying to pull herself out of Clarke’s grip. Indra has to duck in order to avoid being stuck by Lexa’s arm. Her entire body reels away from Clarke, her shoulder slamming into the wall. Octavia winces, unable to even focus on the fact that Raven’s holding her back, both hands wrapped around her arm protectively.

“Let me go!” Lexa cries out, yanking her arm downwards. Clarke nearly stumbles, but manages to hold on. “You’re hurting me!”

Octavia can barely recognize Lexa. The girl’s head slams back against the wall, but Indra’s finally able to grab her other arm. Together they’re able to hold Lexa still against the wall, pressing her shoulders back to keep her from thrashing. The girl still fights, though, throwing her weight forwards. Clarke and Indra practically have to slam her back against the wall to prevent her from breaking free. The impact sends something crashing to the ground in the adjacent room. Raven’s grip on Octavia’s arm tightens.

“I hate her!” Lexa screams, her voice cracking. “She’s insane! She’s insane!”

And then, as if she’s run out of gas, Lexa starts to crumple. Her fight dissolves, and suddenly her knees shake. Her weight seems to drop, sliding her down against the wall and onto the floor. Both Indra and Clarke, like routine, kneel down beside her. They still hold her back, but she’s no longer struggling to break free.

“She’s insane.”

Lexa’s voice is barely a whisper now. Her shoulders drop, as if her body is suddenly caving in on itself. With her head hung forward, hair covering her face, Lexa just continues to repeat herself. “She’s insane. She’s insane.”

Indra finally lets go of the smaller girl, no longer a flight risk. She sits on her heels, inhaling slowly and pinching the bridge of her nose. Clarke, however, still holds loosely to Lexa’s wrist, shaking it gently to try and gain her attention.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is gentle, seemingly out of place after all that’s happened. “Lexa, listen to me.”

“She’s insane,” Lexa shakes her head. “I’m not insane. I”m not. She is. It’s her.” 

“Lexa,” Clarke pushes. “It’s Clarke.” She moves to kneel in front of the girl. “We’re in the house, see? In your bedroom. Indra’s here too.” She squeezes Lexa’s wrist.

Octavia almost misses it, but she catches Lexa look up slightly, her breathing starting to even out. The mood seems to have deflated like a balloon, leaving them in the aftershocks of what’s just happened.

“You’re sitting on the floor by your bed,” Clarke continues. “It’s Friday. We don’t have school tomorrow.”

“She’s grounding her,” Raven says softly so only Octavia can hear. The two girls watch from the hallway, backed up against one another, lingering in the doorway. “When she comes down from these things, it helps to remind her of where she is. Brings her back to reality.”

And Raven’s right. As Clarke talks to her, Lexa slowly holds her hands up in front of her, as if they’re foreign objects. She turns them back and forth, studying her palms, acting as if she’s just now realizing that they’re an extension of herself. And then her hands drop to the floor beside her, knuckle against wood echoing around the room. Her eyes stare straight forward.

“I’m not crazy,” she shakes her head, her voice rising an octave as the tears finally spill forward. Within seconds, she’s a different person, curling into a ball, her knees to her chest, and burying her head in her hands. And finally, as she rubs Lexa’s back through her sobs, Clarke exhales heavily. The worst of it is over.

However, now someone else is filled with unexplainable fear. It hits Octavia like a wave, crashing into her chest and knocking the wind from her lungs, spilling over her. She stumbles backwards, pressing one hand against the wall. It’s as if facing Lexa has also forced her to face a projection of herself, recognizing her own anger and desperation mirrored in the girl. When Raven, confused, reaches out for her, Octavia pulls away. She meets Raven’s eyes, shakes her head, and then she’s gone. Raven tenses when Octavia’s door swings shut.

“You’re okay,” Clarke sighs, still comforting Lexa. She steals a glance behind her to Raven, just now noticing Octavia’s absence. She raises an eyebrow in question, but all Raven can do is shake her head. They both scan the room, taking in the mess left in the wake of Lexa’s breakdown. Cold air rushes through the window, making Raven shiver. Now standing in the aftermath, she has to keep reminding herself that the worst is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened


	8. Chapter 8

Octavia completely tunes out the quiet voices in the hallway. The sound of Indra taping bags over the broken window to keep the rain out, the scrape of glass against the floor as Clarke tries to clean up the shattered remains of Lexa’s lamp, the squeaking sound of Raven’s brace as she moves to and fro -- Octavia shuts it all out. She just sits on the edge of her bed, feet tucked underneath her, watching the flicker of the lightning outside her window.

Glancing back to her door, she inches over to the window, clenching her jaw as she heaves it open. A gust of wind hits her face, whistling through the room. She shivers.

The thing about storms is that Octavia’s never been scared of them. As a kid, she only used it as an excuse to crawl into bed with her mother, hugging her hands around her neck, burying her head into her shoulder, inhaling the smell of her coconut shampoo and the faintest hint of oil paint from her hours in the studio. She’d make her tell her the story about the sky, how thunder was just the stars bumping into each other, how lightning was nothing but stardust being sent down to the Earth. She would press her palms against the window, watching the storm as it rolled in. And in the morning she’d drag her brother outside, searching for any stardust the lightning may have left behind.

But now that she’s older, the magic is lost. It died with her mother, she supposes. Storms aren’t stardust to her anymore. They’re wind and rain, anger and desperation, lashing out against the dry Earth. Storms are exhaustion, rooted deep in the sky, making her bones ache. Yet they still don’t scare her. They’re magnetizing, pulling her in closer. What’s she got to be afraid of? Octavia figures she’s already become the eye of the hurricane.

And so, somehow, she finds herself crawling onto the roof, wind whipping her hair around her face as she scoots to lean against the side of the house. All around her, trees sway back and forth, their leaves hanging on for dear life. Rain, riding the strong wind, pelts against her bare legs, soaking through her clothes and weighing down her hair. But here, in the chaos of it all, she finds that she feels much less anxious than she had trapped in her bedroom.

She could climb down right now. The lattice that runs from the garden up the side of the house could easily hold her weight. But she doesn’t run. Partly because she doesn’t know where she would go, and partly because she’s beginning to feel tied to this place. This isn’t a conscious action on her part. Raven, the only person she’s ever opened up to, seems to hold a part of her now. By confiding in this girl, Octavia feels as if she’s handed a part of herself over. Leaving Raven would be like leaving herself behind. As if suddenly, she isn’t the storm anymore, she can’t come and go as she pleases. Now, she’s the ocean, still raging and flowing, but always pulled back in with the tide when the waves crash to shore. Raven’s got a hold on her, in the same way the moon turns the tides. 

But also,  _ literally _ , Raven’s got a hold on her.

“What the hell are you doing?” Raven hisses. She’s leaning out of the window, looking to where Octavia sits, a foot or so away from her. Something flashes in her eyes -- something that involuntarily sends chills down Octavia’s spine. And suddenly, Raven’s hand is tight around her forearm, her nails practically digging into her skin. Her voice is cold. “Don’t you dare.”

Octavia opens her mouth to question the girl, but by then Raven is already yanking her closer, grabbing her by the shoulders once she’s within reach and practically pulling her through the window. Octavia struggles to find her footing and ends up stumbling forward once she’s inside, groaning and rubbing her shoulder after she hits the ground. 

“What the hell was that for?” she looks at Raven in confusion. The other girl slams the window shut so forcefully that Octavia’s surprised they didn’t break  _ two _ windows that night. Silence follows. Raven’s eyes find hers once more, and again, Octavia’s met with something she can’t decipher. It’s practically radiating off of the girl.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Raven raises her voice. “Are you really  _ that fucking st _ \--?”

Octavia, back on her feet, grabs both of Raven’s shoulders. “Stop  _ screaming _ ,” she hisses. “You’re going to wake everyone up.” Her worried eyes dart to the door.

“Well maybe I should,” Raven lowers her voice, now whisper-yelling, but her words remain just as sharp. “Maybe I should go get Indra right now and have her ship you off to the crazy house with Lexa’s mom,” her face is red as she flings her arm in the direction of Lexa’s room. “Is that what you want?”

“What are you--?”

“That wouldn’t even kill you!  _ God _ , Octavia!” Raven shakes her head, bringing her hands up to her face. “You’d just break every fucking bone in your body and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of your--,”

“Raven!” Octavia shakes her, wide-eyed. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You!” Raven raises her voice again, gesturing to the window, her eyes wide. And suddenly, it clicks, Octavia gets it. Her whole body stills, understanding beginning to wash over her, concern rushing through her veins. She looks from Raven to the window, and then back to Raven, her eyes widening as she searches the girl’s face.

“You thought I was…” Octavia swallows. Her tongue suddenly feels too heavy for her mouth. The words fade out with her voice. “But I wasn’t… I wasn’t…”

“You weren’t jumping?” Raven’s voice is suddenly soft again, words laced with confusion, her head tilting to the side like a lost puppy. Octavia’s quick to shake her head, squeezing Raven’s shoulders.

“Of course not,” Octavia’s voice is wrought with disbelief. “I was just thinking,” she tries to explain. “I do stupid shit like that all the time. I wasn’t trying to--,”

She clamps her mouth shut when she realizes Raven’s not listening. Instead, the girl has turned away, with a deep breath so heavy that she practically deflates like a balloon. She lowers herself down on the bed, slamming her fist atop the nightstand, her whole body rigid as she brings a hand up to her forehead. 

“Raven,” Octavia manages a whisper, the girl’s name sounding like silk in her mouth. Delicately, she lowers herself to sit beside the girl, who’s practically shaking. Octavia can tell it’s taking everything in her to hold back tears, because she’s breathing so heavily through gritted teeth that it sounds painful. Octavia can practically feel the lump in her own throat.

“Raven,” she whispers again. “Did you think I was…?”

Raven doesn’t respond, but Octavia doesn’t need an answer. Seeing the girl like this -- so small and afraid -- triggers something protective deep within her. Reaching out, Octavia grabs Raven’s hand with her good one, turning so their knees are touching.

“It reminded you of her,” Octavia states. She knows her words are risky, but Raven nods shakily a few moments later, her bottom lip drawn tightly inbetween her teeth. It’s enough to make Octavia shudder.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Octavia shakes her head. She can feel how tightly Raven’s grip on her hand has gotten and slowly runs her thumb over the ridges of the girl’s knuckles, noting how the girl’s shaking down to the bone.

“I’m sorry,” Raven’s voice is fleeting, sandpaper in the back of her throat. With her free hand, she reaches up to wipe her eyes using the back of her wrist. After she exhales shakily, Octavia moves to sit cross legged, facing her and resting her forehead on Raven’s shoulder. As she watches her own thumb move back and forth across the girl’s hand, she starts to realize just how exhausted they both are.

“I hate this,” Raven speaks once more. Rolling her head to the side, her cheek resting on the girl’s shoulder, Octavia looks up to her.

“Hate what?”

“ _ Caring _ ,” Raven’s free hand lifts only to fall back into her lap, a gesture of defeat. “And then acting like I don’t.”

“You don’t have to act around me,” Octavia lifts her head, her words lingering between them. With delicate fingers, she reaches up to brush Raven’s hair out of her face. Maybe it’s because it’s nearly 3am and nothing feels real anymore, but Octavia’s inhibitions have begun withering away. Her hands touch Raven like she’s handling broken glass, all soft and light, fingertips barely brushing her skin as she tucks her hair behind her ear. Silence follows, a few painful seconds, before Raven groans in frustration.

“I hate this stupid thing,” she hisses, punching the top of her leg. Their hands detach as Raven moves forward, yanking the straps on her brace, becoming more and more flustered when she can’t undo them.

“Let me,” Octavia shakes her head after taking a deep breath. With shaky hands, she pulls Raven’s own away, scooting closer. One by one, she frees the clamps on the brace. The metal slowly begins to loosen, and Octavia eases it off from her leg. As she moves to set the brace aside, Raven breathes deeply and digs her thumbs into the skin around her knee, pushing circles into the flesh.

“Hurts?”

“A little.”

Octavia nods, looking around the room absentmindedly. However, she pauses when her eyes catch the pillow and blanket tossed at the head of the bed they’re on. “Raven?” She looks to the other girl, who glances behind them.

“Lexa’s in my bed,” she breathes in slowly. “Indra told me to come in here.” She looks away.

“And that’s when you thought I was…”

“ _ Yeah _ .”

Octavia clears her throat, knowing it’s a touchy subject. She stands up. “We should probably sleep,” she says quietly. Raven just nods.

And so, the lights are turned off and Octavia’s soon back in her bed, arms crossed over her chest as she stares at the ceiling. She hears Raven shift in the bed next to her, mumbling something under her breath about her _ stupid fucking leg  _ and rolling over once more. 

But, eventually, the room falls silent. Octavia can hear Raven’s soft breathing and she tries to match her breaths to hers. She wonders what the girl is thinking in that moment, if she had really been that panicked at the idea of Octavia jumping. With one hand, she reaches up, feeling the crescent shaped marks from Raven’s nails in her arm when she’d grabbed her on the roof. She traces her fingers over them, shivering at the thought of Raven being that desperate to keep her from the edge. 

She gives in.

“What are you doing?”

“Scoot over,” Octavia whispers, tugging at the edge of Raven’s blanket. “I’m cold.” Raven mutters something to the likes of  _ shouldn’t have climbed on the fucking roof, then _ . But she still moves to make room.  

And that’s how Octavia ends up squeezing herself onto the bed beside Raven, the blanket barely covering them both. She shivers, not at the cold, but at the feel of Raven’s arm pressed up against hers, both of them squished into the tiny twin bed.

Raven, on the other hand, is frozen, too taken aback of Octavia’s sudden intrusion of space to say anything. Not that she minds it. They both lay with their backs facing one another, eyes locked on the opposite wall.

“Hey Raven?” Octavia’s voice breaks the silence not moments later, soft and hesitant. The bed shifts beside her.

“Hm?”’

“Can I ask you something?” 

“You just did.”

A smile tugs at Octavia’s lips but she shakes her head. “Do you think we stand a chance?”

She feels Raven tense beside her at the seriousness of the question, well aware of the multiple meanings her words hold. There’s a long pause between them, where Octavia wants to hit herself in the face for saying anything. But Raven eventually breaks the silence.

“I like to think we do,” her voice is gentler now, still rough and wrought with exhaustion, but more vulnerable. Octavia carefully rolls onto her back.

“I wouldn’t have jumped,” she blurts out. “I was just thinking. Trying to disappear,” she pauses. “In the metaphorical sense.”

“Thinking about what?”

“Everything,” Octavia sighs. She feels Raven move beside her, rolling on her side and propping herself up on her elbow to face the girl. She can feel Raven’s eyes moving across her face. A leg brushes her own, and she tenses, but quickly realizes the other girl can’t feel it. 

“Everything?” Raven’s voice is closer now. Octavia nods.

“Everything I’ve lost,” she says quietly, holding her hands up and studying the shadows that run across them. “My childhood, my house, my mom, my brother…” 

As she goes on, Raven absentmindedly reaches over, pulling one of Octavia’s hands down and closer to her. With her pointer finger, she traces the lines in the girl’s palm, a smile tugging at her lips when she feels Octavia shiver.

“You have me.”

The words spill out of Raven’s mouth effortlessly, like water. And when Octavia turns to look at her, caught off guard, both girls can feel the mood in the room shift.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Octavia whispers.

“Just that... “ Raven shrugs. “You’re not  _ completely  _ alone.” She curls Octavia’s fingers into a fist and traces her fingers across her knuckles like tiny mountain ranges. “I don’t know if that counts for anything, but…”

“It does.”

Raven’s hand stills. “Huh?”

“It counts for something.”

* * *

 

 

When Octavia finally rolls out of bed the next morning, she turns around just in time to see Raven’s sleeping figure shiver at the loss of body heat and reach across to hug her pillow. It takes Octavia a minute to recall the chain of events that had happened the night prior, in the moments before she drifted off to sleep. And when she does, she’s well aware that her face turns bright red. Something’s happening, she realizes. She’s not quite sure what it is just yet, but all she knows is that she doesn’t mind it at all.

When she forces herself to peel her eyes away from the girl, all calm and glowing in her sleep, Octavia slips out of the room as quietly as she can. Judging by the absolute silence, everyone else is still fast asleep, recovering from the night before. Octavia, however, takes comfort in the quiet of the early morning -- the stillness of life downstairs, the orange trails that the sun leaves across the dark hardwood floor. The only sound is the hiss of the coffee maker as she pours herself a cup, plain black the way she likes it. 

Quietly, she pads across the living room, leaning up against the windowsill of the big bay window that hugs the front of the house. After the violent rainstorm last night, branches scatter the yard, and the grass still shines from the buckets of rain that poured down.

Before she can even take a sip of her coffee, though, something else steals her attention. It’s enough to make her abandon her drink, hurrying barefoot into the front yard. Carefully, to avoid the glass scattered about, Octavia grabs the book, which was strewn wide open in the middle of the yard. Brushing dirt from the cover, she hurries back inside.

The encyclopedia, mustard yellow, is practically dripping wet. Part of a page peels off in Octavia’s hand when she tries to assess the damage. However, the pages toward the middle are stronger, and she’s able to flip the book to a single dog-eared page. Her eyes are immediately drawn to a highlighted portion of the writing, pink highlighter faded and bleeding down the paper. She traces her finger over the words.

_ “Schizophrenia, a psychotic disorder marked by severely impaired thinking, emotions, and behaviors. The term schizophrenia comes from two Greek words that mean ‘split mind.’ Schizophrenia is the most chronic and disabling of the severe mental disorders, associated with abnormalities of brain structure and function, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations _ .”

Without hesitation, Octavia tears the page from the book, folding it up into a tiny square and stuffing it into the pocket of her sweatpants. And then, she sneaks back upstairs into Lexa’s bedroom. Pretty soon, the collection of thick bound encyclopedias is stacked against the wall, arranged in alphabetical order. It makes Octavia feel a bit better.

By the time she ventures back downstairs, her coffee is cold. 

 

* * *

 

Still the only one awake, Octavia’s sprawled out on the couch doing homework, with the TV turned low to fill the silence. The last person she expects to see is Lexa, who startles her when she hops over the back of the couch, plopping down cross-legged in the space beside her. There’s a wide smile on her face for the first time in days.

“Mornin’” she hums, reaching over Octavia to grab the remote and turn up the volume. Octavia, however, just continues to gape, staring at her in confusion.

“Is this history?” Lexa leans over to look at her book, oblivious to Octavia’s disarray. She answers the question for herself when she skims the page, nodding softly. “I finished that last week. Everything you need is in the back of Chapter 15.”

“I-I, uh… thanks,” Octavia clears her throat, shaking her head and flipping to the next chapter. She pulls her highlighter out from behind her ear, tapping it against her bottom lip. Out of the corner of her eye, she looks to Lexa, who’s now contently watching the television as if nothing had ever happened. 

“What is  _ Yellowstone National Park? _ ” she calls out the answer, nodding once when the contestant on the screen answers correctly. Octavia shakes her head in disbelief.

As soon as Raven comes downstairs, Octavia’s scrambling to her feet and following the girl into the kitchen.

“What happened?” she asks hurriedly, grabbing Raven’s arm. Groggily, the girl turns to look at her. 

“Well good morning to you too,” she slurs, pouring herself a cup of coffee. Without even thinking, Octavia passes her the creamer, knowing exactly how Raven likes her coffee -- a dash of sugar and enough of her french vanilla creamer to make it turn light brown, just a shade lighter than her eyes. Octavia watches as a tired Raven lazily stirs her drink, taking a sip before leaning against the counter to eye up Octavia.

“Alright,” Raven nods. “What’re you freaking out about?”

“Lexa,” Octavia’s eyes widen, drawn out of her trance. “She’s acting perfectly normal.” She motions toward the living room, where Lexa still sits, intently watching the same Jeopardy rerun she’s seen countless times before.

Raven raises an eyebrow. “And that’s a bad thing?”

Octavia shakes her head quickly. “No, no, she just…” she huffs in frustration. “Did you not see her last night? She was so…” she gestures vaguely. “And now she’s so…”

“Normal?” Raven looks to her. Octavia nods. “I know,” Raven drums her fingers against the counter. “That’s how it works.”

“This happens every time she visits her mom?” Octavia’s shoulders drop in disbelief.

“Like clockwork,” Raven nods, confirming Octavia’s suspicions. “I could practically plot it on a graph for you.” Setting down her coffee, she traces a curve in the air with her pointer finger. “There’s the visit, then the return, followed by the three or four days of silence, and finally… the breakdown.” She drops her hand back down to her side. “And then, of course, the return to normal.”

“But what happens when she sees her mom again?”

“The relapse,” Raven retraces her curve in the air a few times over, an endless cycle. “And then we’re back to step one. Right where we started.”

With a heavy sigh, Octavia leans back against the counter. Tilting her head to the side, Raven holds out her mug to offer some to the girl. Octavia just shakes her head softly, to which Raven simply shrugs and takes another sip.

“What’s with the whole house waking up at the asscrack of dawn on a Saturday?” Clarke trudges in, stretching her arms above her head and yawning loudly. She looks absolutely exhausted. All the stress from the night before seems to weigh heavy on her shoulders, showing in her puffy eyes and tousled hair. Raven offers her some of her coffee, and, unlike Octavia, Clarke snatches the mug from her hand and practically downs the rest of it within seconds. Octavia and Raven exchange glances.

“You’re welcome,” Raven mumbles, shaking her head and grabbing a new mug for herself. Octavia passes her the creamer once more, and this time Raven notices. She looks down to Octavia’s hand and then back to Octavia, taking the creamer with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile on her face. Octavia has to look away to hide the flush in her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of my favorite chapters so far :) lemme know what you think.


	9. Chapter 9

Once Indra’s awake, she warns the girls not to cause trouble and then heads out to run errands, leaving the girls with the house to themselves. Lexa locks the door 5 times behind her, leaning against the window and waving goodbye.

Octavia lays upside down in the armchair, her head hanging just inches above the floor. Absentmindedly, she tosses an apple up and down with her good hand, feeling the full extent of her boredom.

“So what’s on the agenda for today, tiny?” Raven strolls by, catching the apple in mid-air and tossing it to her other hand before she takes a bite. Octavia glares at her, but Raven just smiles innocently and tosses it back to her. As Raven plops down on the couch across from her, Octavia pulls herself to sit upright, her messy hair spilling back down her shoulders. She looks at the bite in the apple, rolling her eyes half heartedly before chucking it at Raven, who catches it with one hand and grins.

“I have an English project to work on,” Lexa plops down on the couch beside Raven, hugging a pillow to her chest.

“You have all weekend for that,” Raven shakes her head. “C’mon, guys, let’s do something fun,” she nudges Lexa’s leg with her own. Clarke perks up from across the room.

“What do you have in mind?” she raises an eyebrow, waltzing over to lean against the back of the couch. Playfully, she ruffles Lexa’s hair, making the other girl duck out of her reach.

“Depends,” Raven shrugs. “What do  _ you _ have in mind?”

Clarke tilts her head to the side, a mischievous smile tugging on her lips. “I guess it depends on if we’re following Indra’s rules or not.”

Octavia lifts her head, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that mean?”

“It means she wants to sneak out,” Lexa looks to Clarke knowingly. Clarke just smirks.

“If Indra left us money for dinner that means she’ll be out long. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen if she finds out? We get sent to a group home?” Clarke raises an eyebrow and then looks around them. “Oh, wait.”

“Where would we sneak out  _ to _ ?” Raven takes another bite of the apple.

“It’s the week before spring break,” Clarke nods. “Which means the boardwalk will be packed. We can go to the beach… make a few friends…” she nudges Lexa’s side, earning a glare from the girl. “And if we try hard enough, free alcohol.”

“ _ I don’t like the sound of this _ ,” Lexa mumbles under her breath. Clarke ruffles her hair again.

“C’mon, Lex,” she whines. “Live a little.”

“It’s  _ Lexa _ ,” the other girl sighs, furrowing her eyebrows at looking at the other girls. “Are you guys going?”

Octavia shrugs. “I’m in.”

“Why not?” Raven smirks. Lexa looks away.

“I’m not drinking…”

Clarke hops up. “But you’ll go?”

“Well there’s no way I’m letting you leave me here to face Indra’s wrath on my own.”

Punching the air in victory, Clarke’s halfway up the stairs before the other three girls even know what hit them. She calls back down, urging them to hurry up and get ready. Lexa and Raven look to one another apprehensively, but Octavia hurries to follow Clarke. She’s been aching to get out of the house.

“Indra’s gonna have our heads,” Lexa sighs, rising to her feet in defeat. Raven just shrugs, arguing that if they die, they might as well die tan and happy.

 

* * *

 

Within an hour, all four girls sit at the bus stop, with Clarke leading the way for once. Lexa’s leaning against the stop sign, hugging a beach ball to her chest and frowning. While she’s dressed for the beach, Clarke and Octavia obviously got ready with other things in mind. Raven, on the other hand, is clad in her usual t-shirt and jeans, insisting on keeping her legs covered, even in the blistering heat.

“When we go to jail I’m using my one phone call to tell Indra this was all your idea,” Lexa mumbles, pulling her sunglasses down. They’re silver, the reflective kind, and Clarke leans over to fix her hair in the reflection.

“We’ll be fine,” Clarke laughs. “Don’t make yourself miserable.”

Meanwhile, Raven glances to Octavia out of the corner of her eye. The dark haired girl has adorned a black romper and cork wedges. Raven knows the last thing on her mind is a friendly game of beach volleyball. She looks the girl up and down. “Dressed to impress?”

Octavia turns to her and cocks her head to the side, then looks down at what she’s wearing and shrugs. “It’s Clarke’s,” she nods back to the girl. “I didn’t have anything so she let me borrow it,” she pauses to tug at the bottom. “It  _ is _ kinda short, isn’t it?” she realizes, pursing her lips. 

Raven just shrugs. “Unless you’re wearing the world’s smallest bikini under that, I’m assuming you’re not swimming.”

“I could say the same for you,” Octavia quips back.

“Does it look like I’m a competent swimmer?” Raven taps her brace with a raised eyebrow. Octavia’s mouth forms an ‘O’ in realization, but she quickly recovers.

“Clarke said she was gonna show me around.”

“I bet she did,” Raven mutters, leaning back against the bus stop bench. Octavia furrows her eyebrows, but before she can question the girl, Clarke’s waving down the bus. Octavia moves to help Raven up the stairs, but she’s met with a cold glare and quickly moves out of the way.

It’s an hour bus ride into the city, and Raven spends it squished against the window next to Lexa, the beach ball shoved between them making it impossible for her to move her arms. Across from them, she can hear Octavia and Clarke talking, and for some reason it’s driving her crazy. Lexa, completely oblivious to Raven’s discomfort, continues going on about how Indra will  _ never _ let them live this down.

* * *

 

 

“Listen to this one,” Lexa clears her throat, her lips and tongue dark red from the popsicle she’s just finished. “Why did the policeman arrest the baseball player?”

“Because he stole second base,” Raven digs her toes into the sand. “Heard it before.”

Lexa frowns, tossing the popsicle stick aside. “You’re no fun.”

They’ve been at the beach for a little over an hour, and Clarke has already dragged Octavia off to god knows where, doing god knows what. Raven and Lexa, on the other hand, have laid out towels in the sand at the top of the beach. After paying the bus fare, Clarke split the rest of their dinner money among them. Lexa’s already spent hers on a second popsicle. Raven keeps hers rolled up in her pocket.

“You know, it’s not too bad here,” Lexa leans back on her hands. “That is, if you try not to think about the fact that we’ll be put on permanent house arrest the moment Indra finds out.”

“Way to kill the mood.”

“Sorry,” Lexa mumbles, lifting her sunglasses and looking around them. “Where do you think they ran off to?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, kid,” Raven glances behind them. “There’s no telling with Clarke.”

Scrunching her nose, Lexa hops to her feet, pulling the last of her money from her bra. “Might as well go get another popsicle, then.”

* * *

 

 

Eventually, Raven and Lexa wander down the boardwalk and find a pizza place whose line isn’t miles long. They end up using Raven’s money to buy something to eat, trying to find a way to pass the time. By now, Indra has probably returned home to find them gone, so they’re in no hurry to go back.

After a while, they end up back on the beach, befriending a group of college students trying to fly a kite. Well, more like  _ Lexa _ flies the kite while Raven sits on a driftwood stump and watches. By then, it’s gotten darker, and someone’s already started setting off fireworks.

“Did you see that?” Lexa jogs back over to her, out of breath. Another firework hisses and squeals in the distance, and she points to it excitedly. With a soft laugh, Raven nods.

“I think I like the beach,” Lexa sits down in the sand, leaning back on her arms. “I never got to go as a kid. It’s cooler at night.”

“Y’think Clarke’s passed out yet?” Raven asks, raising an eyebrow. Lexa just shrugs.

“Who knows.”

Another firecracker goes off and Lexa perks up. “Hey!” She turns to Raven. “That one was closer! Let’s go find them!”

And so, that’s how Raven allows herself to be dragged down the beach by Lexa, on a wild goose chase to find the fireworks. Raven slows them down a bit, though. Walking in sand isn’t exactly her strong suit. It’s uneven and heavy and she keeps dragging her leg.

They walk for a while, Lexa trailing ahead to collect seashells. Eventually, she jogs back over to Raven, a frown on her face. “They haven’t set off any more fireworks.”

As if on cue, something near them hisses. “You may wanna get out of the way!”

Raven and Lexa look to one another in confusion.

“Hey! You!” the group of guys from further up the beach call out to them. “Move the fuck out of the way!”

Lexa grabs Raven’s wrist, hurrying to tug her forward, away from the fireworks being lit. Raven almost falls, her foot catching in the sand, but Lexa quickly grabs onto her. 

“Oh, shit, dude,” one of the guys slaps his friend’s chest and motions over to the girls. “You just yelled at a cripple.”

The firework goes off moments later, whistling on its way up and bursting into golden crackles in the sky. Lexa gasps and gazes up at it, not noticing how Raven stands frozen behind her, jaw clenched. She’d heard them loud and clear, heard them try to muffle their laughter as all eyes had turned to her, her brace sticking out like a sore thumb.

“What the hell did you just say?”

Someone else storms between the groups, headed straight for the cluster of guys up the beach. Lexa’s head whips around. 

“Octavia?” Lexa looks to Raven in confusion, but the girl looks just as confused as she is. 

“What the  _ hell  _ did you just  _ say _ ?” Octavia repeats herself through gritted teeth, balling her hand into a fist and getting right up in the face of the boy who’d commented on Raven. He mumbles something under his breath, and then Octavia’s shoving him, both hands against his chest. “ _ Huh?”  _ She cocks her head to the side menacingly and takes another step forward. 

“I didn’t say anything,” he speaks up, standing his ground. “Who the hell are you--?”

He’s cut off when Octavia lunges for him, and he has to duck out of her way. She moves to hit him again, but one of the other guys catches her by the waist, pulling her backwards before she has a chance to grab him. 

Now, Raven, who’s just been gaping at the scene, suddenly feels something protective wash over her. “ _ Hey _ ,” she takes a step forward, her voice raised and firm, a growl in the back of her throat. “Don’t  _ touch _ her.”

Before Lexa can grab her, Raven’s on the way over to the group of guys, grabbing Octavia’s arm and shoving the guy who has a grip on her. 

“Yeah, fuck you!” Octavia calls out over her shoulder as Raven tugs her back over to Lexa, who just looks utterly confused.

Octavia rolls her head to the side to look at who’s holding her, recognition flashing in her eyes. “Raven!” her lips curve into a smile. “I was just looking for you!”

“She’s drunk,” Raven deadpans, pulling them to a stop in front of Lexa, who just sighs and shakes her head.

“Am not,” Octavia mutters. Rolling her eyes, Raven makes eye contact with Lexa and then lets go of Octavia, who immediately stumbles to the ground, proving her point.

“Okay, ouch,” Octavia mumbles, bringing a hand up to her forehead. “What was that for?” 

“You’re drunk,” Raven affirms, watching Lexa help Octavia back to her feet. “You just tried to fight someone a good two feet taller than you.”

Lexa nods. “You had to stand on your tiptoes just to be eye level with his adam’s apple.”

“We need to start placing bets on when she breaks the other hand,” Raven raises an eyebrow. Octavia frowns.

“He deserved it,” she mumbles, letting Raven guide her back up to the boardwalk, Lexa following them. “I… I forget why.”

“She’s an angry drunk,” Lexa notes, making Raven laugh under her breath. When they get to the boardwalk, Octavia furrows her eyebrows and looks down.

“Where’d my shoe go?” Octavia’s lips stitch together. She lifts her bare foot, wiggling her toes and letting her shoulders drop in confusion. 

Raven sighs and looks to Lexa, who just shrugs, as if to say she’s just as lost as Raven is. Raven breathes in deeply.

“Alright, Cinderella,” she turns to Octavia. “Where’s Clarke?”

Octavia pauses, tilting her head to the side and thinking. Her eyes light up as if she’s remembered something, but then she quickly shakes her head. “I dunno.”

“Well that’s helpful,” Raven mutters.

“I’ll find her,” Lexa sighs. “I have a feeling I know where she is.”

“You sure?”

Lexa nods. “I’ll meet you at the bus stop.”

 

* * *

 

Raven learns a lot of things about Octavia that night.

To start things off, when Octavia’s drunk, she doesn’t shut up. Unless she falls asleep. And that’s exactly what happens. She babbles on and on about her night on the walk back to the bus stop, somehow losing her other shoe in the process.

Soon, Lexa returns with Clarke in tow, who informs them that Octavia is the  _ lightest  _ lightweight she knows. Lexa argues that maybe she’s just a heavyweight, and Clarke just giggles.

Somehow, they manage to load themselves onto the bus. Octavia’s the only one talking, and Raven has to keep shushing her. At one point, Octavia’s nearly yelling, and Raven clamps a hand over her mouth. But for some reason Octavia finds this outrageously funny and ends up laughing even louder than she had been talking. The bus driver glares at them through the mirror.

Eventually, Octavia falls asleep, using Lexa’s half-deflated beach ball as a pillow. Clarke’s able to draw a unibrow on her face before Lexa confiscates her eyeliner and chucks it under the seats, which results in Clarke crossing her arms and pouting for the rest of the ride.

It’s at least 1am by the time they arrive home. Lexa and Raven exchange knowing glances, well aware that Indra will be waiting for them.

And, of course, she’s standing in the foyer with her arms crossed, flicking the lights on and clearing her throat after the girls funnel into the house. Startled, Octavia stumbles backward into Raven’s arms. Clarke just groans and covers her eyes.

“Do you girls have  _ any _ idea what time it is?” Indra narrows her eyes at them. Octavia hides her face in Raven’s shoulder, mumbling something about how it’s too bright.

They probably would’ve gotten more of a lecture if Clarke hadn’t interrupted them by suddenly clutching her hands to her stomach and running to the bathroom. Indra sighs, warning them that they’ll be revisiting this in the morning. 

“Who’s the lightweight now?” Octavia calls out down the hallway as they make their way up the stairs. Raven clamps her hand over the girl’s mouth, but stifles a laugh of her own.

 

* * *

“Scoot over.”

Raven groggily mumbles something, stirred from her slumber. Octavia whines from where she stands next to the bed.

“ _ Ravennnn _ ,” she nudges the girl’s shoulder.  _ “Scooooot.” _

“What are you doing?” Raven’s voice is dry and wrought with exhaustion. She lifts her head to look at the girl. Octavia’s woken her up, wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt that nearly comes down to her knees. Raven groans and lets her head fall back on the pillow. “You’re still drunk.”

“And  _ you’re  _ still not  _ moving _ ,” Octavia grumbles, trying to tug the blanket from Raven’s grip and stomping her foot impatiently. With a heavy sigh, Raven reluctantly rolls onto her back, giving Octavia just enough room to crawl under the blankets. And she does, humming contently. Raven holds her breath as the other girl makes herself comfortable. 

“Can you feel this?” Octavia whispers, poking Raven’s leg with her foot and tilting her head to the side.

“That’s my good leg.”

“Oh,” Octavia pauses. “Can you feel this?”

“Still my good leg.”

“Oh,” Octavia furrows her eyebrows, confused. “Where’d your other leg go?” She lifts the covers to search for it. 

“ _ Octavia!” _ Raven gasps, yanking the covers from Octavia’s grip. 

“What?”

“Don’t do that,” Raven mutters. Octavia grows confused.

“Why?”

“I’m not wearing pants,” Raven glares at the girl. Octavia tilts her head to the side.

“Why not?”

“I was planning on sleeping  _ undisturbed _ ,” Raven lets her head fall back onto the pillow. “But then  _ you _ showed up.”

“I don’t think I’m wearing pants either,” Octavia whispers, giggling and then pausing for a moment. Raven can still smell the alcohol on her breath. Vodka, she thinks. Lifting her head, Octavia suddenly looks to Raven, as if she’s suddenly had a revelation. “Wanna see something?”

Raven sighs heavily. “Not if it has to do with you not wearing any pants.”

“You’re funny,” Octavia shakes her head, already sitting up to show her. “Look,” she hums, lifting her shirt and peeling something away from the curve of her hip. Raven squints to see in the dark. 

“What is that?”

“Saturn,” Octavia nods once, tracing her fingers over her skin. Raven’s eyes shoot wide open.

“You got a tattoo?” she gasps, sitting up quickly. Giggling, Octavia leans forward and cups her hand over Raven’s mouth. 

“ _ Shhh _ ,” she whispers, leaning closer and shaking her head. “ _ It’s a secret _ .”

_ “Octavia _ ,” Raven hisses, pushing the girl’s hands away and lowering her voice. “How did you…?” She sighs and shakes her head. Leaning forwards, she studies the tattoo, running her thumb over the red skin. Octavia shivers.

“It’s Saturn,” the other girl whispers, breathing in deeply and holding it in her chest. “That tickles.”

Raven quickly pulls her hand away, looking to Octavia in disbelief. Unable to come up with anything, she just sighs heavily and falls back onto the mattress. “That’s it, Octavia. That’s it. You’re insane. Absolutely insane.”

“You smell like the rain,” Octavia whispers, lying back down beside the girl.

Raven rolls her eyes. “You’re drunk.”

“I know.”

Sighing for the millionth time that night, Raven rolls onto her side, her back facing the girl. “Go to sleep, Octavia.”

“But why?”

_ “Octavia,” _ she warns. 

“Fine,” Octavia mumbles. Raven feels her shift in the bed beside her, and then tenses when she feels the girl playing with her hair, brushing her fingertips over the strands that lay across her pillow. Raven opens her mouth to say something, but just ends up sighing and closing her eyes.

Once the room falls quiet, she’s asleep within five minutes.

 

* * *

 

Raven had planned on sleeping until oblivion, but she’s woken up at the break of dawn when the bed shifts heavily beside her. Through half lidded eyes, she rolls over to find Octavia sitting up against the headboard, both hands pressed to her forehead. Noticing Raven’s awake, she groans and falls down to bury her face in her pillow. 

“I’m never drinking again.” Her voice is muffled.

Raven stifles a laugh. “You sound like my mother.”

Her words just slip out, and she doesn’t even realize what she’s said until Octavia lifts her head slowly, looking at her through the mess of hair that hangs down in her face.

“ _ That’s _ why you don’t drink,” she notes in realization, brushing her hair out of her face. Raven just nods. Sighing, Octavia lies her head back down and mumbles something about how she feels like shit.

“How’s your hip?”

Octavia lifts her head and raises an eyebrow, but groans and brings a hand to her forehead when it serves to make her headache worse. Raven, with a sigh, moves the blankets aside and points to the small tattoo that Octavia had shown her the night before. The girl’s eyes widen.

“Woah,” she whispers, sitting up to study it. “It’s Saturn.”

“You don’t remember getting it?”

Octavia shakes her head, tracing her fingers over the design. An amused smile tugs at her lips. “But I like it.”

“Well great,” Raven rolls her eyes. “God knows where you got that done. For all we know you could end up with some infection and die within minutes.”

Octavia just laughs, her throat raspy. “You would love that.”

“Shut up,” Raven hits her with a pillow and rolls back over, tugging the blankets over her head. Octavia’s just about to grab a pillow, but before she has a chance to retaliate, the door bursts open.

“We’re dead,” Lexa shakes her head, wide eyed and out of breath. “We are  _ so  _ dead.” She then pauses, eyes darting back and forth between the two girls in the bed, who look like two deer caught in headlights. Octavia tugs the blanket back up to cover her tattoo, her chest rising and falling quickly.

“It’s not what it looks l--,” Raven starts, but Lexa shakes her head, cutting her off with a panicked look in her eyes. 

“Clarke’s probation officer is here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't you just love cliffhangers
> 
> (talk to me - txrches.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

“You’re in my way.”

“Then scoot over.”

“I can’t  _ see _ .” 

_ “Shh,” _ Raven hisses, glaring at the two other girls. They’re squeezed in front of the railing at the top of the stairs, trying to listen in on the conversation in the living room.

“You sure that’s her probation officer?” Octavia looks to Lexa, who nods quickly.

“I think Indra called him,” she says softly, leaning forward and craning her neck to see.

“Did she break probation by being out last night?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

“Technically, yeah,” Lexa furrows her eyebrows. “This can’t end well.”

“Shh,” Octavia nudges both of them. “Listen.” All three girls lean forward.

“I can’t hear anything,” Raven mutters. Lexa, cupping a hand to her ear, holds up a finger to signal for them to be quiet.

“He’s saying something about…” she listens for another moment. “Detention?” She turns back to them in confusion.

Raven’s eyes widen. “Juvenile Detention?”

“Juvie?” Octavia gasps. Lexa shushes them, still listening.

“Indra sounds surprised,” she turns to them. “I don’t think this is going to end well.”

Before they can eavesdrop any longer, Octavia’s huffing in frustration and ducking under Lexa’s arm, descending the staircase. Raven’s eyes widen.

_ “Octavia,”  _ she hisses. “Where are you going?” 

But Octavia’s already at the bottom of the staircase, disappearing into the living room. Lexa and Raven exchange anxious glances before hurrying to follow her.

“What do you mean it was your idea?” The two girls slide into the doorway just in time to hear Indra turn and address Octavia, who stands only a few feet in front of them.

“I was the one who made them go,” Octavia shakes her head, glancing over to Clarke, who sits on the couch, feigning indifference. 

Indra raises a stern eyebrow at the girl. “I find that hard to believe.”

“I’m serious,” Octavia jumps to defend herself. There’s a moment of hesitation, which Raven notices, but then Octavia’s sighing, lifting the hem of her shirt with one hand, and rolling down the waistband of her sweatpants with another, revealing her tattoo in all its glory. “I was getting this.”

“She got a t--?”

Raven squeezes Lexa’s arm to silence her. Indra, now confused, looks to the probation officer and then to Octavia.

“It’s Saturn,” Octavia says quietly. She hears Raven sigh from behind her.

“But all four of you snuck out, Clarke included,” the probation officer speaks up. 

“And so sending her to juvie is the solution?” Octavia takes a step forward. Raven has to fight the urge to reach out and grab her. 

“That’s the next step for someone who repeatedly breaks the rules,” he explains, his arms crossed as he nods in Clarke’s direction. “Like Miss Griffin here.”

“Juvie isn’t going to solve those problems,” Octavia resists the urge to roll her eyes. “Those are the people she  _ wants _ to be around.”

“And you consider yourself a good influence?” he looks to Octavia, earning a cold glare from the girl in return. Luckily, Indra speaks up before she can.

“Her record is clean,” she motions to Octavia and then turns to nod towards the two girls in the doorway. “Lexa’s a member of the National Honor’s Society and Raven’s got a 4.0.” 

Upon hearing this, all other three girls turn to look at Raven in shock, but the girl just shrugs sheepishly. 

“So you’re saying these girls are good influences on Clarke?”

“I’m  _ saying _ she’s improved drastically since she first came here,” Indra replies with a firm nod.

Sighing, the officer pinches the bridge of his nose and thinks for a moment. “My biggest concern is the repeated sneaking out,” he explains, motioning to the girl on the couch, who flicks him off when he isn’t looking.

“Oh, she sneaks out  _ all _ the time,” Lexa speaks up, making both Raven and Octavia wince. Raven grabs her arm to shush her but she pulls away.

“Like, once she snuck out to get more fish food for my goldfish, or else he woulda’ died,” Lexa nods. “And another time, she had to sneak out to the library to print out Raven’s science report that she forgot was due.” Octavia glances back to Raven, who simply shrugs.

There’s a long, awkward pause before the probation officer sighs heavily. “One more chance, Miss Griffin, you got that?” he points to her threateningly. “One more slip up, and I won’t be easy on you.”

The moment the front door shuts behind him, Lexa whips around and tackles Clarke in a hug, relieved. Raven glances to Octavia and raises an eyebrow, but the girl just shrugs and looks away shyly. Indra shakes her head at them.

“I trust you won’t be sneaking out anymore,” she points to Clarke. “And you--,” she turns to Octavia, who tenses up. “There’s a tube of A&D lotion in the bathroom. Keep the tattoo clean. I’m not paying for a doctor’s visit if it gets infected.”

Octavia raises an eyebrow. “You know this from experience,” she notes.

Indra just gives her a look before clapping her hands, addressing them all. “Even though Clarke got off easy doesn’t mean there won’t be punishment,” she nods. “All four of you are on house arrest until further notice.” There’s a collective groan throughout the room.

“But,” Indra holds up a finger. “You  _ will _ be allowed outside.” Lexa perks up.

“As long as it’s to complete the chores on this list,” she concludes, handing Raven a sheet of notebook paper. The other three girls crowd around her, groaning when they see the checklist, stock full of housework for them to complete.

“I expect them done by dinnertime,” Indra nods, leaving them alone in the living room. With a frustrated sigh, Octavia snatches the list from Raven’s hands, rips it into four sections, and then hands each girl a strip.

“You owe me,” she mutters to Clarke, shoving the paper into her hands. She then looks to her own list and disappears off to her first chore.

Lexa looks to the two other girls, then to her list. Her shoulders fall. “Looks like we better get started.”

* * *

 

 

“Hey, stranger.”

Octavia looks up from where she’s kneeling, tugging weeds from the garden. She holds up a hand to block out the sun and raises an eyebrow at Raven. “How’s it going?” she nods to the list in her hand.

Raven rolls her eyes. “It’s… going,” she motions to the girl. “Weeding?”

Octavia nods, standing up and brushing her hands off. “M’almost done though. What about you?”

“I’m supposed to repaint the fence,” Raven points behind them to the old picket fence that surrounds the backyard. It used to be white, Octavia thinks. It’s so cracked and peeled that it’s hard to tell anymore.

“Isn’t that a two person job?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. Raven smirks.

“Do you want it to be?” she raises an eyebrow. Octavia shrugs, a playful smile on her lips.

“C’mon, tiny,” Raven laughs and shoves a can of paint into the girl’s arms. “I could use someone small enough to reach the tight spaces.”

“ _ Very funny _ ,” Octavia rolls her eyes. Raven just grins and taps her nose with a paintbrush.

* * *

 

 

“So,” Octavia pauses, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. “A 4.0?” she turns and raises an eyebrow at Raven, who’s sitting beside her, running her paintbrush over the fence. The girl just shrugs.

“I don’t really pay attention to my grades.”

Octavia furrows her eyebrows. “So you just casually maintain a 4.0 GPA?”

“I just do my homework,” Raven dips her brush into the paint and pauses to look at Octavia. “Why is that so surprising to you?”

“Cause’ it’s impressive,” Octavia laughs, sitting back on her heels and adding another coat of paint to her section. “I knew you were smart, but I didn’t know you were 4.0 smart.”

“Oh, shut up,” Raven waves her hand to dismiss the girl. “Lexa’s smarter than all of us combined.”

“ _ Lexa  _ doesn’t have a 4.0,” Octavia quips back. Raven smears paint on the edges of the fence.

“That’s because  _ Lexa _ failed art class,” she chuckles.

“How do you fail art class?”

Raven shrugs. “She just couldn’t get the abstract part of it. For someone who’s obsessed with numbers and patterns and repetition, she just didn’t like the concept of making art that didn’t follow any sort of rules.”

Octavia purses her lips. “Fair enough,” she scoots over to start on the next pillar of the fence. “You’re still smart, though.”

“There’s a bee on your shoulder.”

Octavia immediately freezes, her eyes shooting wide open. “ _ Get it _ ,” she hisses, not even moving her head.  _ “Raven!”  _

“Shoo,” Raven waves her hand to scare off the bee, who buzzes off and circles into a neighboring yard. She turns to return to her work, but pauses when she realizes Octavia hasn’t moved an inch.

“Thanks a lot,” the girl mutters. Upon seeing Octavia, Raven bursts into laughter. Apparently, the hand she swatted the bee with was also the same hand as her paintbrush, and she’d splattered paint not only all over Octavia’s face, but also down the entire side of her shirt. Raven manages to apologize through her laughter, and Octavia just rolls her eyes, trying to wipe off her face. Unfortunately, this only makes it worse, and she ends up with white paint smeared all over her cheeks  _ and _ her hands.

“Nice move,” Raven fights back laughter. Octavia glares at her, but suddenly her frown morphs into a mischievous smile. Raven’s eyes widen.

“Don’t you dare, Octavia, I just--,” she starts, but is cut off when a paint covered hand slaps her cheek, splattering it all down her neck and across the front of her shirt. Raven’s mouth drops open, and she brings a hand up to her face, now sticky and covered in paint. Octavia sits in front of her, a glob of paint dripping from one hand, and the other hand covering her mouth to stifle her laughter. Raven moves to grab her paintbrush, but Octavia jumps backwards and holds up her hands in surrender.

“We’re even!” she shakes her head through her laughter. Raven glares at her. The other girl lowers her hands carefully, catching her breath. “We’re even,” she repeats, fighting back laughter when she sees just how much paint is on Raven’s face.

“I hate you,” Raven mumbles. But Octavia doesn’t miss the smile she tries to hide.

“Touche,” Octavia grabs her paintbrush and resumes painting. Raven steals a glance at the girl when she’s not looking, and she can’t help but laugh at her paint-splattered shirt. Octavia just crinkles her nose at her.

 

* * *

 

When the two girls finally venture back inside, dinner’s in the oven and Clarke and Lexa have both already finished their chores. As soon as Indra turns to see them, sweaty and covered in white paint, she sends them straight upstairs to clean up. Both girls find this hilarious and can’t stop cracking up until they disappear across the hall into separate showers. Octavia accidentally leaves a white handprint on the inside of her door.

Octavia’s done first, and after she gets dressed and throws her wet hair up into a bun, she wanders downstairs to find that everyone’s already finished eating. With the kitchen to herself, she grabs a plate of food and hops up to sit on the counter.

Raven eventually saunters down, joining her in the kitchen. She raises an eyebrow at Octavia, who looks ridiculously adorable perched up on the counter, wet hair and an oversized t-shirt, with a mouthful of fried rice. She shoots Raven a soft smile.

“I practically had to sandpaper my face to get that paint off,” Raven rolls her eyes half-heartedly, making herself a plate and sitting on one of the stools at the island so she can face Octavia. “How’s Saturn?”

“Itchy,” Octavia nods, lifting her shirt a few inches to look at the tattoo again. “I put some of Indra’s cream on it. That helped a lil’.” 

“You got lucky,” Raven notes, pushing her food around on her plate. “I’ve heard stories of people who wake up after a night of drinking and find their ex’s face tattooed on their left asscheek or something.”

Octavia laughs softly and shrugs, but Raven quickly grows aware that something’s different. Octavia runs her fingers over her hip. “Mine has more meaning than that,” she nods gently. Raven sets down her fork.

“You didn’t just drunkenly get a random planet tattooed on your body?” She raises an eyebrow. Octavia shakes her head.

“The timing was random. Planet wasn’t,” she laughs softly. “I’ve wanted a tattoo like this for a while. I mean, I figured I’d have to wait until I was 18, but apparently my drunk self found a way around that one.”

“Why Saturn?”

Octavia looks away. “My mom.”

“Oh,” Raven whispers, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry.”

Octavia just shrugs. And before their conversation can continue, Lexa wanders into the room, holding up two VHS tapes and making them vote on which movie to watch that night.

 

* * *

 

There’s the rustle of blankets. The creak of a doorknob. The patter of soft footsteps down the hallway. Another door creaks open. 

“Raven?” Octavia’s voice is a soft whisper, unsure. There’s no reply. Biting her lip, she takes a few hesitant steps forward and nudges the girl’s shoulder.

“Psst. Raven. It’s me.”

The girl finally stirs, mumbling an incoherent string of words and gazing up at Octavia groggily.

“I can’t sleep.”

Slowly coming to, Raven rubs her eyes and sits up slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep,” Octavia repeats herself. “I, uh,” she motions behind Raven to the other occupied bed. “Clarke’s in here.”

“And?”

“Could you…” Octavia stumbles over her words. “Can you…” she shakes her head. Raven sits up.

“Is something wrong?”

“Don’t,” Octavia’s voice wavers. “Can you just…” her voice trails off and she sighs in frustration.

“Help me up,” Raven says softly, extending a hand to the girl. She  _ could _ act clueless as to what Octavia was hinting at, but they both know well enough that when Octavia wakes her up in the middle of the night, there’s a common theme. It’s becoming a pattern. 

And so, surprised, Octavia quickly pulls Raven to her feet.

“Is it hard to walk without your brace?” Octavia asks as she slowly helps the girl maneuver down the hallway. Raven shrugs.

“It’s different,” she nods softly, letting out a deep breath when they make it to Octavia’s bedroom, and the girl helps her lower herself to sit on the bed.

Squeezing her knee, Raven nods. “Yeah, next time just get me  _ before _ I take my brace off,” she laughs softly. Embarrassed, this spurs Octavia, who begins apologizing over and over.

“Octavia,” Raven reaches out, placing a hand on the girl’s wrist. “I was joking.” She notices how Octavia tenses at her touch and stitches her eyebrows together. “Something’s wrong.”

Shaking her head, Octavia hurries over to the other side of the bed. Using her hands, Raven scoots herself backward to lean against the headboard. Octavia’s afraid to look at her.

“Hey,” Raven grabs her hand without thinking. “Breathe.” All she gets in return is a nod.

“ _ Alright _ ,” Raven takes a deep breath, giving in and pulling Octavia closer. She snakes an arm around the girl, who instantly starts to melt into her. Quietly, she places her hand on top of Octavia’s, and then guides them both to the hem of the girl’s shirt, tracing their fingers over the skin just above the tattoo. Octavia shivers.

“So when are you gonna tell me about it?” Raven’s voice is gentle, just barely breaking the silence. Octavia finally looks over to her.

“What?” her voice is raspy, just a whisper.

“Your tattoo,” Raven nods softly. “Are you ever gonna tell me what it means to you?” She holds her breath when silence follows.

Octavia looks back down at their hands and shrugs. “You never asked.”

“So if I ask, will you tell me?”

“You want to know?” Octavia looks back to her, tilting her head to the side. She isn’t used to this -- to someone wanting to know about her. It’s new.

Raven laughs softly. “Course’ I do,” she squeezes the girl’s hand. “It means something to you,” she pauses. “Especially if it has to do with your mom.” Octavia shifts beside her.

“It was our favorite song,” the girl starts out softly, keeping her eyes trained on their hands. Raven’s hand is laid on top of hers and she traces the lines of her fingers with the tips of her own. Octavia memorizes the pattern.

“It’s an old Stevie Wonder song,” Octavia nods. “She had the old record of it and everything. We used to play it over and over while I would help her cook dinner,” she laughs quietly at the memory.

“The whole song is about how he wants to leave Earth and move to Saturn, because everyone on Saturn is happy,” Octavia half smiles. “And I guess it just became our thing. We…” she pauses, swallowing hard. “We didn’t have much… so, whenever she’d come home from a late shift and we only had bread and butter for dinner, we’d have a picnic on the living room floor and plan how our life would be on Saturn.” There’s a light in her eyes when she talks, Raven notices, and it isn’t just from the tears threatening to spill over.

She squeezes the girl’s hand. “And what would life on Saturn be like?” 

Octavia smiles. “Peaceful,” she nods. “We’d live in a house with a spiral staircase -- that was Bellamy’s idea. We’d have a huge backyard with a pool. And a trampoline right next to it. So we could do flips into the water.”

“Your idea?”

Octavia giggles. “Yeah,” she looks to their hands. “Mom never cared about what the house would be like. All she cared about was that all three of us were there, she said,” Octavia glances down. “But me and Bell always told her that we’d build her a huge art studio. With all sorts of colors of paint that didn’t even exist on Earth. I think she secretly liked when we said that.”

Raven smiles. For some reason she feels lucky to have Octavia open up to her like this. She knows the girl would never do the same with Clarke or Lexa. She can’t mess this up -- whatever “this” is. It’s too different from anything she’s had before. Too rare, she thinks.

“There’s a double meaning, though,” Octavia speaks up again, drawing Raven out of her thoughts. 

“After she… you know,” Octavia swallows, motioning vaguely with her hand. “We used to have to find warm places to sleep during the winter, cause’ our house didn’t have any electricity. I mean, we could bundle up on some nights and be alright, but it used to snow so much that the cold was just… unbearable.” She shivers at the thought.

It’s hard for Raven to imagine this past version of Octavia, so young, yet faced with such an adult world. She wants to wrap up that girl, to shelter her, to keep her from going through the things that have stripped her of her innocence. But Octavia isn’t fragile anymore, Raven realizes. The girl next to her is shaped from the things she’s seen, molded from the fire and brimstone meant to destroy her. She’s tough, and Raven knows that, yet she’s not unbreakable.

“One winter we spent a lot of nights at the library,” the other girl continues. “We would hide in the bathroom while they locked up, and then we’d have the whole place to ourselves.”

“That sounds kind of awesome,” Raven comments, making Octavia laugh.

“It was cool,” she agrees. “Bell used to read books all night. But I remember this one night I was using the computer to download songs onto this old mp3 player I had.” She pauses to take a deep breath. “I remembered that song, and so I searched it and downloaded it. But I guess I chose a  _ different  _ song called Saturn.”

“When I listened to it I just… It made me think of her right away. There’s this lyric…” she pauses to collect herself. Raven squeezes her hand.

“Take your time,” she whispers. Octavia gives her a sad smile, but Raven can tell she’s still fighting back tears.

“There’s this lyric,” Octavia continues, taking a deep breath. “It goes  _ ‘You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How light carries on endlessly, even after death.’”  _ Her voice wavers and she holds up a hand to make Raven wait. Leaning over, she reaches under the bed to retrieve her journal.

It’s worn and the leather is cracked. Random pages fall out as she flips through it, and she shoves them back in. Raven watches, catching glimpses of sketched trees and flowers. Eventually, Octavia smooths down a page and passes the journal over to Raven, running her fingers across her own writing.

“That night I wrote down the lyrics,” she says quietly. Raven’s eyes scan the words, understanding right away why they resonated so deeply with the girl. “And then…” Octavia flips the page.

Raven’s eyes widen, finding the two-page spread covered in tiny handwriitng, the entire song scrawled over and over. There’s a model of the solar system sketched in the upper corner, with Saturn shaded in using orange highlighter. Octavia nods, allowing her to turn the page.

“It became a nervous habit,” Octavia nods, watching as the girl turns through page after page of the lyrics. She looks away shyly when Raven glances over to her.

“You just wrote it over and over?”

“Still do, sometimes,” Octavia nods, taking the journal back and pausing to scan her writing again. “I just… it was comforting.”

“No, I get it,” Raven nods as Octavia puts the journal back. “I used to draw circles over and over when I was in elementary school. I always got in trouble for filling my worksheets with doodles, but it was the only way I could keep myself awake. The repetition is comforting, I know.”

Octavia raises an eyebrow. 

“She threw parties at night,” Raven answers the silent question. “Sleep was impossible.”

“Oh,” Octavia whispers, trying to fight back a yawn by failing. Raven laughs softly. 

“Tired?”

“A little,” the girl mumbles, sinking down in the bed and melting even further into Raven’s arms. “It’s late.”

“It’s barely midnight,” Raven chuckles, her gaze following the girl.

_ “Shhh,” _ Octavia reaches up blindly to cover Raven’s mouth, but ends up nearly poking her in the eye. “Sleep.”

“Yes ma’am,” Raven raises an eyebrow playfully. Shifting slightly, she tugs the blankets over both of them. Octavia’s practically pressed up against her, and Raven knows the arm she has wrapped around the girl will be killing her all day tomorrow, but it’s the last thing on her mind.

“Hey Raven?”

Raven’s pulled out of her thoughts when the younger girl speaks up once more. “Hm?” she hums.

Octavia lifts her head to look at the girl, a sleepy smile on her face. “You’re not half bad.”

“Go to sleep,” Raven laughs and pushes Octavia’s head away to keep the girl from seeing the smile she’s failed to fight back, but she ends up just threading her fingers in the girl’s hair and playing with it. Octavia hums contently and settles back down into the mattress.

Long after Octavia’s dozed off, Raven remains awake, still running her fingers through the girl’s damp hair. She smells like shampoo and peppermint, and Raven feels intoxicated. She’s starting to realize something; that she’s never felt like this over a guy before -- let alone a girl. And although it scares her more than she knows, it’s still not enough to even make her consider going back to her own room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa saves the day lmao
> 
> all of your comments on the last chapter were so sweet and thoughtful? i'm not used to that type of feedback and it's so so so nice. this is the first time i've used ao3 to update a fic as it's written and i'm so surprised i haven't done this sooner. thanks for being so nice and motivating me to keep writing. i'm so so happy you enjoy reading this fic as much as i enjoy writing it.
> 
> \- lena (txrches on tumblr)


	11. Chapter 11

When Raven wakes up, she’s alone. However, her brace seems to have magically appeared, propped up against Octavia’s nightstand. For Octavia to go out of her way for something as little as that astonishes Raven, probably because no one’s ever made the effort before.

Once she’s dressed, Raven makes her way into the commotion downstairs. Lexa’s taken on the challenge of making pancakes, and Octavia’s currently joking around with her, trying to flip one by throwing it in the air from the pan. Both girls crack up when the half-cooked pancake ends up splattered on the floor.

Meanwhile, Clarke spots Raven in the doorway, watching the girls. She raises an eyebrow at her and then looks back and forth from Raven to Octavia. Raven’s bed had been empty when she woke up, she’s not oblivious.

But like always, they don’t talk about it. In the morning, it’s back to the usual friendly banter, as if Octavia hadn’t been the one who fell asleep in her arms the night before. It’s a habit they’ve slowly fallen into.

Raven chugs half a glass of orange juice and leans against the counter. Lexa turns around, holding up a plate in question, but Raven just shakes her head. She’s never hungry in the mornings.

“The countdown to spring break begins right now,” Octavia announces, uncapping a marker and scrawling a series of exclamation marks across the following week on the calendar. Raven rolls her eyes.

“Does it even count as spring break if we’re all going to spend it on house arrest?”

“You don’t know that,” Octavia furrows her eyebrows. “She might lets us off easy.” Upon hearing this, Lexa laughs from across the room.

“Knowing Indra, we’ll be on house arrest until we die,” she takes a bite of her pancake and rolls her eyes. “Or until this place burns down.”

Raven sees Octavia tense from across the room.

“Even then we’d still be in trouble,” Raven speaks up, setting her glass in the sink. “It’s time to head out.” Octavia glances over to her, a shy smile on her face.

“I’m going to fail this stupid science exam,” Lexa huffs, slinging her bag over her shoulder. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“You studied _all_ last night.”

“Still gonna fail,” Lexa mumbles. Raven glances behind her, noticing the look on Octavia’s face and raising an eyebrow.

“I’m guessing someone forgot to study,” she waits for Octavia on the front porch, picking up a pace beside her. Octavia rolls her eyes.

“Wouldn’t have made a difference either way,” she shrugs, kicking a pebble as they walk.

“What’s it on?”

“Plate tectonics.”

“No it’s not,” Lexa speaks up from in front of them. “This week is isobaric maps.”

Octavia looks to Raven as if to say _told you so_. She lets her hands fall to her sides in defeat.

“Did you pay attention in class?” Raven asks. Lexa answers for her.

“When she’s _in_ class, maybe,” she earns a glare from Octavia. Raven turns to her and raises an eyebrow. “She always gets a pass to go to the nurse’s office.”

Raven looks to Octavia, who shrinks in her jacket. “Why?”

“There’s this kid--,”

“ _Lexa!”_ Octavia snaps, startling the girl. _“Leave it alone_.” Lexa’s eyes widen and she clamps her mouth shut, looking to the girl apologetically before hurrying to catch up with Clarke.

“What was she talking about?” Raven asks cautiously once they’re alone.

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Octavia mutters, picking up her pace as they near the school building. Before Raven can push anything else, she’s gone, disappearing into the sea of students.

 

* * *

 

 

_“The Tell Tale Heart sums up the kind of horror that Poe implemented in his stories.”_

Raven’s only half listening. She taps her pen against her bottom lip and doodles aimlessly in her notebook. She’s already read the story, twice over, and completed the comprehension questions in the back of the textbook.

“Raven.”

She glances up, looking to the boy sitting across from her. He meets her eyes and then nods to the back of the room. Glancing over her shoulder, Raven grows confused when she sees Octavia, who perks up when Raven turns around. She motions for her in the hallway.

Raven glances back to the teacher and then to Octavia once more. “Me?” she mouths, pointing to herself. Octavia rolls her eyes, and Raven knows if she could talk she’d be saying _Of course, you idiot. Who else?_ Confused, Raven looks back to the teacher before raising her hand and asking to be excused.

The teacher pauses, looking to the clock. “We’ve got ten minutes left, Reyes, can it wait?”

“It’s, uh… it’s my...” Raven searches for an excuse. “It’s my leg.”

Upon hearing this, the teacher is practically shoving her out of the room, asking if she needs someone to walk her to the nurse. She shakes it off, ducking into the hallway and quickly pulling the door shut behind her.

“Took you long enough,” Octavia appears by her side, grabbing Raven’s arm and pulling her by a row of lockers, out of view. Before Raven can get a word in edgewise, the girl sidesteps behind her and starts fishing through her backpack.

“What are you doing?” Raven hisses, pulling her bag out of the girl’s reach. Octavia freezes.

“I need your keycard,” she looks to Raven hopefully. “You know, the magnet card you used for the back door?”

Raven crosses her arms. “And what exactly do you need that for?” Octavia seems to shrink under her incriminating glare, and right away, Raven knows something’s up.

“I just need it, okay?” Octavia huffs in frustration. She moves back to dig through Raven’s bag, but Raven’s already slipped something out of the side pocket, holding it in her hand.

“Looking for this?”

Octavia’s eyes light up and she makes a grab for the card, by Raven moves at the last second. Octavia, confused, hurries after Raven when she starts walking.

“So where’re we headed, tiny?” she asks once Octavia catches up to her. The other girl quickly shakes her head, realizing what she’s doing.

“Raven, you can’t--,”

“I have the key, don’t I?” Raven holds up the card once more. “You really think I’m letting you sneak off on your own?”

Octavia huffs. “I was hoping you wouldn’t ask any questions.” This makes Raven laugh.

“Do you _know_ me?”

They reach the door and Raven pauses, raising an eyebrow at her. “You’re sure about this?” Octavia glares at her.

“Fine, fine,” Raven shakes her head and scans the door. As soon as the locks click, Octavia is gone. Raven’s quick to follow.

Even though Octavia’s practically sprinting, and Raven’s limping at a significantly lower pace, she turns the corner to the front of the school just in time to see Octavia practically tackle someone into a hug. She pauses, standing still in confusion. All she can make out is a mop of curly hair. Until Octavia pulls away, and then Raven finds herself clenching her jaw. It’s a guy.

Then, both of them are looking back at Raven, and Octavia suddenly hurries over to her, grabbing her wrist and nearly dragging her back to the old pickup truck where the stranger stands. Raven tenses, knowing well enough that his eyes have moved down to her leg.

“This is my brother,” Octavia squeezes her arm and then lets go. “Bellamy.”

“ _This_ is your brother?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

“Different fathers,” Octavia quickly explains. She then turns to Bellamy, nodding to the other girl. “This is Raven. She’s a friend.”

Bellamy nods to her, but it’s clear his mind is on something else. There’s a look of urgency in his eyes and it’s unsettling Raven. He glances to the front of the building and then back to his sister. “We need to hurry, O.”

Raven’s not the only one who’s confused, either. Octavia pauses and furrows her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

Bellamy looks to Raven and then lowers his voice. “You think I drove all the way out here just to talk to you?”

“That’s what you said on the phone…” Octavia hesitates. Raven looks back and forth between the both of them, feeling like she’s intruding on something private. She moves to take a step away, but Octavia grabs her wrist.

“Don’t,” she glances to Raven. “Stay.”

“Octavia,” Bellamy shakes his head. “We need to go.”

“Go?” she tenses. “Go where?”

Again, Raven feels like she’s intruding, but Octavia still hasn’t let go of her wrist. Bellamy digs something out of his pocket.

“Fake passports,” he explains. Octavia stiffens. “We can start over again, once we get to the border, the hard part is over.” Raven feels Octavia’s fingers loosen around her wrist. She takes a step forward and looks at the passports.

“You’re serious?” she looks up to him. Bellamy nods. Letting go of Raven’s wrist completely, she pages through the passport in her hand and then swallows hard. “I…”

“We’ve done it before, Octavia. We can do it again.”

Hesitating, Octavia looks back to Raven, who remains cold as stone. Octavia’s eyes search hers for some kind of answer, but the girl just shrugs and looks away.

“You didn’t say anything about this on the phone,” Octavia repeats herself again. Raven doesn’t know what to do. Octavia turns to her. “What will Indra say?”

Raven shrugs once more. “How should I know?” Octavia bites her lip and looks back to the passport. Her brother jingles the keys in his pocket impatiently.

“What do you think?” she turns back to Raven.

“I think it’s your decision,” Raven cross her arms and shrugs, feigning indifference. Octavia’s eyes search hers pleadingly, but Raven looks away. The younger girl takes a deep breath.

“Alright,” Octavia takes a step forward, swallowing her fear and nodding to her brother. “Let’s go.” Bellamy nods, opening the truck door and sliding in to start the engine.

“You’ll be okay?” Octavia turns to face Raven. She knows the moment she gets in that car, anything she’s been building here will be gone, no more than a speck in the rearview mirror. Raven included.

Raven holds up the keycard, forcing a smile. “I can get back in the way I came.”

Octavia shakes her head. “Not that. I mean… cause I’m…. going…” she takes a hesitant step towards her.

Raven just shrugs. “He’s your brother,” she says softly, shoving her hands into her pockets. “I get it.”

And she gets it, she really does. She doesn’t want it to happen, obviously. But in the little amount of time she’s gotten to know Octavia, she knows the girl needs to make her own decisions. Although, it doesn’t make her leaving any easier. Raven just guesses that’s what she gets for getting attached.

“I’m sorry,” Octavia whispers, and her words are more than just an apology to both of them. Raven simply shrugs again, but then she’s taken by surprise when Octavia’s arms are suddenly around her and she’s being pulled into a hug.

And within minutes, they’re gone. Raven watches the truck disappear down the street until it’s out of view. In the passenger seat of the truck, Octavia does the same, kneeling backwards in her seat and squinting her eyes for as long as she can, before the school is only just a memory.

When Raven finally turns to make her way back into the school, she ends up chucking a glass bottle she finds by the dumpster. It shatters against the brick wall. But Raven just sighs heavily. It only made her feel worse.

What bothers her the most is the fact that she understands why Octavia left. Raven’s one who holds grudges, and getting over this would be a hell of a lot easier had she and Octavia parted ways due to some kind of fight. But she’s not bitter. She’s not angry at the girl. She’s just disappointed, because just when she thought she had something going for her, it drove away in the passenger seat of a navy blue pickup truck.

 

* * *

 

 

“Where’s Octavia?”

It’s the first thing Lexa asks when they meet up to walk home. Raven mumbles some excuse about her staying after class to get help with homework -- the same one she’ll give Indra when they get home. Raven refuses to be the one who “discovers” that Octavia’s gone. At this point, she just wants to forget about her altogether.

Even though the only thing she wants to do when they get home is lock herself in her bedroom and sulk, she’s on dinner duty with Lexa, which means she spends the next hour grating cheese and browning ground beef. As the time passes by, even Lexa starts glancing to the door, awaiting Octavia’s return.

Indra starts questioning them around dinnertime. Raven stays quiet, shrugging and giving the occasional nod of the head if provoked. Looking to the clock, Indra declares that if they don’t hear from Octavia by tomorrow morning, she’ll go to the police.

“Why so long?” Lexa furrows her eyebrows, obviously concerned. Raven sinks down in her chair and wills herself to disappear.

“We try and wait 24 hours before reporting a missing person from the house,” Indra explains. “We’ve had a fair share of false alarms.”

Raven mumbles something about how she _wishes_ this were a false alarm. Indra raises an eyebrow at her, but she quickly excuses herself from the table.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s pouring rain.

Octavia shivers, pulling her brother’s jacket up over her head. It doesn’t do much to help her, though. She steps off the curb and huffs in annoyance when she lands ankle-deep in a puddle, soaking her shoes and the ends of her pants.

The further away from the city she walks, the narrower the sidewalks become, and the darker it gets. There’s been a lump in the back of her throat since she left Bellamy. But she knew she couldn’t do it. The minute she’d seen the first checkpoint sign, she started to panic, and had Bellamy cursing as he turned around and pulled over. She couldn’t do it -- she told him over and over -- she’s already had to start over too many times, and as soon as she was gaining her footing, everything was changing again. Things are good in California, she promised him, and she’ll be 18 soon and then she’s free to roam wherever she pleases. But for now, she’d told him -- fighting back tears -- for now, she just can’t go with him.

And that’s how she ended up in the back of an almost-empty bus, headed on the long drive back to the home. She wouldn’t call it _her_ _home_ , but it’s become a safe place to her, a chance at something normal.

Octavia would be lying if she said she hasn’t been thinking of Raven this whole time. After the screaming match she had with her brother in the car, he eventually realized there was no changing her mind. Things were tense between them on the drive to the bus stop, but they promised to meet again when she was 18 and the law couldn’t keep them apart anymore. So after losing her brother in that sense, she’s been silently clinging to the only other person she seems to have -- Raven.

Would she have returned to the home if it hadn’t been for Raven? Maybe. But did the thought of Raven being there make her hurry back a little faster? Definitely.

Just as she reaches their street, a car comes whizzing by, screeching as it turns the corner, right through a puddle, effectively soaking Octavia from head to toe. Wiping her face, she wants to cry right then and there, to throw her bag to the ground and quit. But she doesn’t. She trudges uncomfortably down the sidewalk. And when she’s finally in the front of the house, she wants to cry again, just from pure exhaustion.

The lattice in the garden finally comes in handy. Making sure her backpack is secure, she carefully starts to climb. It’s more difficult in flip flops, but she navigates her way up and scrambles onto the roof, catching her breath.

After some initial struggle, she manages to scale over to her bedroom window. It’s still pouring, harder than before, and the wind is pelting her with raindrops, so hard that it’s painful against her bare skin. Breathing deeply, she presses her palms against the glass and maneuvers the window open, relieved that it wasn’t locked. She swings in, feet first, and exhales heavily when she’s standing on solid ground.

“Octavia?”

She jumps, accidently slamming the window shut. Whipping her head around, her heart jumps in her chest when she sees Raven move to sit up in one of the beds, rubbing her eyes.

“ _Octavia_?” the girl repeats herself again, disbelief in her voice. She’s still not convinced this isn’t some sort of dream.

“I didn’t mean to wake you...” is all Octavia can manage. Raven just stares at her.

“You came back?”

But Octavia’s too distracted. “Why are you in my--?”

She’s cut off when Raven tries to stand up, and Octavia practically has to dive forward to catch her when she stumbles. She has to hold both of Raven’s shoulders to keep her balanced. Just as she’s about to repeat her question, Raven grabs her face with both hands, her eyes searching, as if she’s making sure she’s real.

“You came back?” she asks again. And although Octavia’s fought back tears countless times before, she’s too exhausted to do it this time. She just nods.

“You should sit d--,” Octavia starts, but then Raven’s arms are flung around her and she’s hugging her so tightly that Octavia stumbles a few steps backward.

“Please don’t do that again,” Raven’s voice is barely a whisper, and Octavia almost doesn’t catch it. But she does, and she’s left confused by Raven’s words.

“Do what?” she whispers.

“Leave,” Raven mumbles into her shoulder.

Octavia freezes, unsure of how to process Raven’s words. She hesitates for a moment, but then all resolve falls and she squeezes the girl tighter, cupping the back of her head with one hand. “I won’t.”

Raven pulls away, studying the girl’s face again. “Are you hurt?”

Octavia shakes her head.

“Are you _okay?”_

Octavia shrugs. “I made him go without me.”

It’s then that Raven notices. She pauses, slowly using her thumbs to wipe Octavia’s cheeks. “Are you crying?

“ _No,”_ Octavia quickly shakes her head, turning away to wipe her eyes. “It’s raining.”

“I know,” Raven nods, not pushing the subject. “I’m in here cause’ Lexa stole my bed. The water’s leaking in through her window.”

“Oh,” Octavia nods softly. Raven lowers herself down to sit on the edge of the bed. They both seem to notice that Octavia’s dripping wet at the same time, because soon Octavia is shaking her head and hurrying over to the dresser.

“I’ll be back,” she says softly, grabbing a handful of clothes and disappearing out into the hallway. Raven’s left sitting on the bed, her mind suddenly reeling from everything that’s just happened.

She brings a hand up to her forehead and makes herself take a deep breath. She’d just come so close to kissing Octavia. So close. It was just a spur of the moment thing, she tells herself. When she stood up, Octavia had been _right there._ She’d almost leaned in and kissed her just out of pure relief. Now, she has to calm down, because her heart is beating like crazy. And now, she’s left to sit and wonder what would have happened it she had just went for it.

Raven’s so on edge that when the door squeaks back open, she jumps and whips her head around. And of course, like always, the sight of Octavia makes her heart flutter. The dark haired girl has changed into an old hoodie and lazily thrown her hair up.

“Cold?” Raven quickly composes herself and turns to face the girl. Octavia just yawns, scrunches her nose, and plops down on the end of the bed. Sniffing, she glances over to Raven.

“M’tired,” she mumbles, crawling over to the top of the bed and laying on her stomach, burying her face in her pillow. Raven, unsure of what to do, waits for a few seconds before slowly scooting back to lay on her stomach beside the girl. Octavia mumbles something into her pillow.

“Hm?” Raven hums. Octavia rolls her head to the side to face the girl.

“Are you staying all night?” she asks hesitantly. Raven raises an eyebrow.

“Do you not want me to?”

Octavia quickly shakes her head. “No, no, I just--,” she pauses. “If you wanted to… I wouldn’t mind.”

Sighing, Raven scoots over and starts absentmindedly tracing her fingers over the girl’s back. Octavia lays her head back down on her pillow and gives the girl a sad smile. Raven, resting her chin on her free arm, studies Octavia’s face.

“So you’re staying?” she can’t help but ask again. Somehow her hand ends up under Octavia’s hoodie, and she traces small circles across her back, making the girl shiver.

“I’m tired of running,” Octavia admits. “And… I guess this place isn’t as bad as I thought it was,” she yawns. “You guys keep things interesting.

“That means you’re staying?”

Octavia can’t help but laugh, and she props herself up on her elbows to look at the girl. “Yes, Raven. I’m staying. Happy?”

Raven nods. “Very. Because you’re in charge of dinner tomorrow night.” Octavia rolls her eyes, her head falling back onto her pillow. There’s a few seconds of silence before Raven works up her courage.

“Hey Octavia?”

“Hm?”

“Since you’re staying…” Raven pauses. “If, uh… If Indra un-grounds us by next week, do you maybe wanna… do something? Just me and you?”

A smile tugs at Octavia’s lips that she’s too tired to hide, so she just nods softly. “I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” Raven’s surprised. Octavia laughs softly.

“Yeah.” Octavia yawns and reaches over, absentmindedly twirling a strand of Raven’s hair around her finger. “M’glad you’re here, you know.”

Raven has to look away to hide the smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

 

“Octavia?”

There’s a dip in the bed and Octavia brings a hand up to wipe her eyes. Raven sits in front of her, her hands hugging a cup of coffee.

“What time is it?” Octavia’s voice is raspy and she clears her throat. Raven shrugs.

“Everyone already left,” Raven says softly. Upon hearing this, Octavia sits up quickly and looks to the girl in confusion. Raven just hands her the cup of coffee.

“Don’t worry,” she laughs. “I already took care of Indra.” She notices the girl studying the coffee and squeezes her knee. “It’s black.”

“Thanks,” Octavia whispers, taking a sip and giving her a shy smile. “So Indra… she knows?”

“She knows that you got sick and spent the night at a friend’s house, yeah,” Raven smirks. “Remember? You tried calling home a bunch of times but our phone was unplugged.”

“The phone was unplugged?”

“You’re welcome,” Raven nods. “So now, you’re taking a sick day.”

Octavia furrows her eyebrows. “And you?”

“Stole a spare key and hid in the backyard until Indra left.”

“Smart,” Octavia laughs softly and takes another sip of her coffee. Raven nods, absentmindedly tugging at a loose string on her sleeve.

“So… what’s happening with your brother?” she can’t help but ask. Octavia looks down and sighs.

“We fought over me coming back,” she confesses, tapping her fingers against the side of her cup. “But he’s still going down without me. When I turn 18 any of the charges against him will be dropped, though, so he’s free after that.”

“And then what do you do?” Raven asks. “When you turn 18?”

“Good question,” Octavia mumbles with a shrug. “I’ve never really given it much thought. I mean, before we got found out I just figured I’d end up working at the garage with Bellamy. But then…”

“Things changed,” Raven softly finishes her sentence. Octavia looks back to her and nods.

“Exactly.”

Raven thinks for a moment. “Well what do you want to do?”

“I’m 17,” the girl sighs. “How am I supposed to know? At this point all I want to do is survive.”

“Don’t we all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. a lot happened in this chapter.
> 
> come talk to me - txrches.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention this a few chapters back, but i've made playlists for all 4 girls with music that contributes to their characters. they're on my 8tracks - txrches. and they're on my tumblr with the tracklists as well (http://txrches.tumblr.com/tagged/playlist)

They make it through the next week of school, just barely. Spring Break comes around just in time. For Octavia, a week off of school means a week without any worries. The only problem is that they’ve been confined in the house for the first two days, and there’s practically nothing left to do. Even Lexa, who’s coerced them into playing 6 full games of Monopoly, starts to grow restless.

However, Clarke soon has other plans. And with Octavia on board, they go over without a hitch.

So that’s why Raven’s peace and quiet is interrupted at noon on a Wednesday, when Octavia comes barreling up the stairs and bursts into her room. The smaller girl flings herself onto the bed next to Raven, a wide smile on her face.

“Pack a bag.”

Raven, who’d been in the middle of finishing her homework, just stares at Octavia in utter confusion.

“Come on,” Octavia shakes her shoulder. “We’re off house arrest. We’re going out.”

Raven arches an eyebrow. “Who’s we?”

“All four of us,” Octavia hops off the bed and catches her breath. “Me and Clarke convinced Indra to let us spend a night at the beach. There’s a huge carnival going on. Ferris wheel and everything. Hey, did you know Indra’s got a tattoo on her shoulder?”

“Octavia,” Raven laughs and shakes her head. “Slow down.” She stands up, placing her hands on the girl’s shoulders. Octavia takes a deep breath.

“Indra’s letting us go into the city for a night,” she nods. “We’re allowed to go as long as Lexa goes too, she says. And Lexa will go as long as Clarke doesn’t drink.”

Raven quirks an eyebrow.

“I know, crazy, right? But Clarke promised she wouldn’t,” Octavia shakes her head. “She called and got us hotel rooms and everything.”

A smile finally graces Raven’s face. “You’re serious?”

“Dead serious,” Octavia nods quickly. “We can split up when we get there. Then we can hang out. Just us, remember?”

“How’d you manage to pull this off?” Raven laughs. Octavia just shrugs, fishing around under Raven’s bed until she finds her duffel bag.

“Hurry up and get packed,” she pushes the bag into the girl’s arms. “We’re leaving in 10.” And with that, she’s gone, running over to her bedroom to get herself ready.

Octavia’s excitement rubs off on Raven, because she actually finds herself looking forward to this -- more than she had with their trip to the boardwalk. It’s probably due to the “just us” Octavia had thrown in. It had made her heart jump.

And before they know it, all 4 girls are seated on a 2 hour bus ride into the city. Even Lexa, who normally despises these kinds of outings, is practically bouncing on the edge of the seat. They’ve squeezed into the back row, tossing their duffel bags underneath of them and getting comfortable. Octavia makes herself at home immediately, spreading out with her head on Raven’s lap and her legs across Clarke and Lexa’s. She has a bag full of almonds balanced on her chest and tosses one at Lexa every few minutes out of boredom.

“How much longer?”

“We’re halfway there,” Raven laughs, looking down at the girl. Octavia frowns.

“I’m out of almonds.”

“I know,” Raven raises an eyebrow. “You threw them all at Lexa.”

“It’s no fun when she’s asleep,” Octavia lifts her head. Lexa passed out not even fifteen minutes into the trip, and Clarke fought off sleep for as long as she could, but the lull of the bus eventually caught up with her.

“Do you think they know?” Octavia blurts out, arching her head back to look up at Raven.

“Know what?”

Octavia looks away, pursing her lips. “Nothing.”

“What are you--?”

“Hey!” Octavia giggles. “An almond!” She sits up, plucking something out of Lexa’s hair and bursting into laughter when she holds it up to show Raven.

 

* * *

 

 

Raven’s immediately overwhelmed when they step off the bus and she can practically hear the roar of the crowd at the carnival. It takes place on the boardwalk, and she knows it’s the perfect setting to be pushed and shoved around like a school of fish. Octavia’s hand on her wrist distracts her, though, and she tugs the girl down the sidewalk, following Clarke and Lexa.

“So what are we doing first?” Lexa asks, craning her next to try and catch a glimpse of the lights as they walk.

“Checking in,” Clarke holds up the bag in her hand, then nods to the other girls. “I don’t know about you guys, but once we get rid of these, I’m set on eating three full pizzas. Or more.”

“I like that idea,” Lexa nods quickly. Raven looks to Octavia.

“You hungry?”

Octavia shakes her head. “I ate too many almonds.” She shrugs. “You?”

Even though she hasn’t eaten since breakfast, Raven lies and says she’s not hungry to avoid being split up from Octavia.

Once they get to the hotel, they find their rooms. Raven’s not disappointed at all when she finds that Clarke booked them two separate rooms, each with a queen sized bed. Octavia quickly claims the bigger one and does some sort of somersault dive onto the bed.

Raven finds it funny how she’s fascinated with the air conditioner under the window, because she turns it up as high as it can go and her eyes widen when she’s blasted with cold air. But then, Raven remembers that Octavia’s spent more than half her life in a home with no electricity, and then it makes a little more sense.

“We’re ordering room service,” Clarke kicks open their door with one foot and leans in the doorway, a phone pressed to her ear and the cord stretched all the way across the hallway. Octavia ducks under her arm, running across the hallway and tackling Lexa onto the other bed. Raven and Clarke look at each other, rolling their eyes.

“I’m good,” Raven shakes her head. “Just save me whatever.”

“Red wine or white wine?” Clarke looks up from the menu in her hands. Raven raises an eyebrow.

“What happened to no alcohol?”

“It’s just wine,” Clarke shakes her head. “It’ll be before I go to bed.”

Raven crosses her arms.

“Shut up,” Clarke throws the menu at her. “It’s spring break.”

“Are you guys staying in?” Octavia jogs back in, noting the fact that Clarke isn’t wearing any makeup. The other girl just shrugs.

“We’ve got all day tomorrow and it’s already getting dark,” Clarke nods. “Plus I think Lexa’s set on pigging out and watching movies all night.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Clarke Griffin?” Raven looks at her in astonishment. Meanwhile, Lexa throws something at Octavia from across the hallway and the dark haired girl ducks behind the door.

“Oh come on,” Clarke rolls her eyes at Raven. “It’s a _carnival._ What am I supposed to do? Rave on a ferris wheel?”

“Hell yeah,” Octavia speaks up, sliding in place beside Raven and placing a hand on her shoulder. “We’re off to have fun without you. Don’t wait up for us.”

“Didn’t plan on it!” Clarke calls after them as Octavia pulls Raven off down the hallway. Lexa comes barreling after them, throwing an ice cube at Octavia just as the elevator doors slide shut. Raven raises an eyebrow at the other girl, who just laughs and shakes her head.

“She started it.”

“Sure she did,” Raven rolls her eyes playfully. “Where are we going?”

“I dunno,” Octavia shrugs as they walk out into the cold night air. She looks around. “What do you feel like doing?”

They start to walk in the direction of the boardwalk, which is lit up with lights and drowning in music. Raven just shrugs.

“Hey,” Octavia grabs her arm, making her wait. She glances over to the boardwalk and then back to the girl. “I want you to tell me if your leg is bothering you.”

Confused, Raven looks at Octavia quietly.

“I don’t want to like… drag you around thinking you’re fine while you’re actually in pain,” Octavia explains, shaking her head. “You would let me know if we need to stop, right?”

All Raven can do is look away and Octavia hesitates, taking a half step backward. “I didn’t mean to--,”

“You’re fine,” Raven shakes her head. “M’just… not used to it.”

“Not used to what?”

“People…” Raven thinks for a moment. “People like you.”

“Like me?” Octavia cocks her head to the side.

Raven nods softly. “You just… get it,” she struggles to explain herself. “Like when you knew how I drink my coffee,” she shrugs. “Most people don’t pay attention to stuff like that. You make an effort.”

“Don’t most people?” Octavia furrows her eyebrows.

“Not for someone like me.”

Confused, Octavia reaches out to grab Raven’s wrist. “Like you?”

“You know…” Raven looks down, digging the heel of her shoe into the ground. “Just like… _me_.” She motions to herself with one hand.

“I don’t get it,” Octavia’s voice is soft. “What’s so different about you and me?”

Raven laughs to herself, shaking her head. “If only you knew.”

“Then _tell_ me,” Octavia takes a step forward, pleading with the girl. “Stop saying that and help me get to know you.”

“You’d leave,” Raven mumbles. She feels Octavia’s hand let go of her wrist and keeps her eyes trained on the ground. There’s empty air between them and Raven’s counting down the seconds, waiting for the girl to walk away. But she doesn’t.

“Listen, Raven,” Octavia’s voice is near-desperate, pleading with the girl to believe her. “I’m not your mom. I’m not any of the shitty people who you’ve lived with. I’m not some half-assed social worker who doesn’t even remember your name,” she takes another step forward. “I’m not _any_ of those people,” her voice is firm, pushing her point. “And I’m sorry that they left… I really am...” she shakes her head, taking a deep breath. “You know what I think?”

Raven doesn’t look up. She just hums a low note, allowing Octavia to go on.

“I think you’re scared,” Octavia nods. “I think you’re scared because people use you like a revolving door, they just… come and go and come and go,” she gestures with her hand. “And I think it’s happened so much that you just shut yourself off from _everyone_ because it’s easier than getting attached and then losing them.”

Her words hang between them, truthful and heavy. Raven breathes in deeply and holds it in her chest. Her words are so quiet that Octavia barely hears her. “ _You_ left.”

There’s a long pause of silence as Octavia processes her words.

“I came back because of _you!”_ Octavia finally throws her hands down to her sides, startling Raven. “You think I came back for Clarke and Lexa? You think I would have missed the shitty kids at school? Do you really think I gave up my _brother_ for that?”

Raven’s shoulders rise and fall in a soft shrug. Octavia sighs and takes another step forward.

“I spent that whole entire car ride trying to list out the pros and cons of leaving,” Octavia speaks up after a moment of silence, her voice quieter. “And the whole time I was trying to forget that you existed because I _knew_ how much harder that would make it.” She pauses. _“You_ , Raven, you were the one who tipped the scales. I thought about you being all alone in the house and I just… I couldn’t leave without… at least… giving _this_ a shot.” She motions between them. “Whatever _this_ is.”

“So I’m here, alright?” Octavia lets go of the girl’s wrist. “I know that you feel like you’re unloveable, or just not good enough, but I…” she sighs and shakes her head. “You’re gonna have to let me in sometime, Raven.”

She’s not sure why she starts to walk away. Maybe it’s because Raven stays quiet and doesn’t acknowledge anything she’s said, and then Octavia feels like she’s just said too much, or overstepped a boundary of some sort. Maybe she hinted at too much. Either way, before she can get two steps away from the girl, it happens.

“Octavia, wait,” Raven exhales the breath she’s been holding in and takes a step forward, grabbing Octavia’s wrist before she can move any further. The girl tenses and freezes in place, but she doesn’t turn around until Raven tugs on her wrist gently.

“You’re serious?” Raven’s voice is rough yet gentle. They’re suddenly inches apart. If Octavia takes a step forward, she’d be pressed up against her. She suddenly forgets how to breathe, and her eyes tentatively flutter up to meet Raven’s.

“What you said…” Raven whispers. “You’re not just making that up… right?” It’s only then that Octavia realizes the other girl has tears in her eyes. But, unable to find her words, all Octavia can do is shake her head softly.

Yet the look in Octavia’s eyes must be enough for Raven, because soon their faces are terrifyingly close, and her hand slides down from Octavia’s wrist to lace the girl’s fingers with her own. Raven’s eyes flicker down to Octavia’s lips, lingering for a moment before meeting Octavia’s eyes once more, a silent question.

And as if making a statement of her own, Octavia doesn’t give Raven the chance to kiss her. No, _she’s_ the one who closes the gap between them. _She’s_ the one whose hand slides around to rest on the small of Raven’s back, pulling her closer. It’s _her_ eyes that fall shut first, it’s _her_ lips that find Raven’s, it’s _her_ that breathes in every inch of their closeness.

Raven’s suddenly the one who almost stumbles backwards when Octavia kisses her. She kisses her back, struggling to breathe as her entire body seems to turn to static. It all happens without hesitation, though. She finds it effortless. Octavia’s kissing her and she’s kissing Octavia, and everything else around her fades away.

And _Octavia is kissing her_ . She’s actually kissing _her_. Octavia had leaned in. Octavia had pulled her closer. So maybe, Raven thinks, maybe Octavia’s been wanting this, too.

When the kiss separates, Octavia’s forehead is pressed against Raven’s and she breathes in deeply, her heart beating so fast that she’s embarrassed Raven might feel it. And she does. She doesn’t say anything, but Raven brings one of her hands up and presses her palm right under Octavia’s collarbone, near her heart. Then, she just laughs breathily, finding Octavia’s hand and bringing it to _her_ chest, flattening it against her own heart and letting the girl feel that they’re both equally as enthralled.

“Was that okay?” Octavia suddenly grows worried, starting to move backward. “That I…?”

“I was going to do it if you hadn’t,” Raven tugs on her wrist, not allowing her to move away. Octavia’s eyes meet hers once more, as if she’s searching for any sign of hesitation in the girl. It’s not just Raven who feels inadequate at times. Octavia, too, is fearful of being the only one who falls.

“Is something wrong?” Raven notices the girl’s eyes scanning her own and loosens her grip on her hand.

“Are we…?” Octavia breathes out, gesturing back and forth between them. Raven furrows her eyebrows.

“What?”

“You and me…” Octavia starts, growing flustered. “That wasn’t… that wasn’t just a one time thing, right? Like… you think we can do that again?”

Raven can’t help but laugh at the girl’s nervousness. “I think you ask too many questions,” she half-smirks, a playful look on her face.

Seeing Raven at ease seems to calm Octavia down significantly, and she quirks an eyebrow at the girl. “I think _you_ ask too many questions,” she laughs softly. Raven grabs both of her hands and pulls her forward.

“I think we both have some work to do,” she whispers, so close to Octavia’s face that her breath practically paints goosebumps across her skin.

And then they’re kissing again, and this time it’s Raven who leans in. In this way, both girls suddenly have the confirmation that they’ve been searching for. And, in this way, Octavia forgets all about the Ferris Wheel. It’s nothing compared to the high she feels in this moment.

 

* * *

 

 

They spend _maybe_ an hour at the carnival, and mostly only because Octavia promised to bring Lexa back cotton candy. To kill some time, they end up wandering around the games, and Octavia winds up spending way too much money to help a little girl win a large stuffed dog. When it’s over, she ends up winning the stuffed dog _and_ a stuffed owl, which she presents to Raven, because “it’s not a raven, but it’s close enough, right?”

In the end, Raven has to practically drag her away from the ping pong goldfish game, because she’s come to realize that Octavia has _very_ good luck with these games, and they don’t need her bringing a bag full of goldfish back to the hotel room.

They kiss in the elevator. It’s quiet at first, but then they accidently lock eyes in the mirror across from them and Octavia just starts giggling, and then she’s pulling Raven closer to kiss her. When the doors ding open, they both burst into laughter, and Octavia starts twirling in circles around the hallway.

As Octavia tries to fish her room key from her pocket, Raven surprises her by pushing her against the door and kissing her again. Giggling against her lips, Octavia manages to get the key while kissing the girl back, and when she kicks the door open, she playfully ducks out of the girl’s reach and goes to dive on the bed.

“Wacko,” Raven mumbles, her cheeks bright red. She nudges the door shut behind them, wandering over to set the stuffed owl on the nightstand. Octavia, laying on the bed, rolls over to try and grab Raven’s arm, tugging her closer.

“You’re in a mood,” Raven notes, but Octavia just laughs, shakes her head, and leans up to kiss her again.

“It’s spring break,” she giggles when they pull away. “Let me live.”

“I’m not arguing with you,” Raven quirks an eyebrow at the girl. Just as Octavia moves in for another kiss, the door bursts open and they both jolt backwards.

“Lexa--,” Clarke’s right behind the girl, trying to grab her, but it’s too late. Lexa, squirt gun in hand, has already sprayed Octavia, startling the girl and making her fall backward off of the bed. Lexa bursts into laughter, and Clarke takes the opportunity to snatch the toy from her hands.

“Where the hell did you get that?” Octavia looks at Lexa in confusion, wiping her face with the front of the t-shirt.

“She brought it,” Clarke answers for her. Raven raises an eyebrow at the girl.

“You’re not drinking,” she notes, nodding to Clarke. This earns an eyeroll from the blonde.

“She’s a child,” Clarke throws her hands up, letting go of Lexa when Octavia dives for the girl with a pillow. She walks to sit next to Raven, on the other side of the room, away from the pillow fight that’s breaking out.

“What?” Raven furrows her eyebrows.

“I turn my back for ten minutes to take a shower and she finds the ‘grape juice,’” Clarke sighs heavily and plops down onto the bed. Raven stifles a laugh.

“How much?”

“Half the bottle,” Clarke shakes her head. “Now look at her.”

Both girls turn to look at Lexa, who ducks to avoid Octavia, chucking a pillow at her from behind the bathroom door. Just as Octavia peeks out, Lexa flings a pillow in her direction, hitting her smack in the face.

“Gentle!” Clarke warns them. Raven bursts into laughter.

Raising an eyebrow, Clarke turns to study the girl next to her, all red-faced and giggly. “What’d you do?” she asks, suspecting something.

Raven’s almost too fast to reply. “Nothing,” she shakes her head, acting confused. “What are you talking about?”

“That’s cheating!” Octavia cries from across the room, where Lexa’s hoarding all the pillows behind her. Octavia, defenseless, hides behind the bathroom door.

“Did you get her drunk?” Clarke glances to Octavia and then to Raven, but the girl quickly shakes her head.

“She’s just hyper,” Raven shrugs. “Did you save me any food?”

“Food?” Octavia perks up. She’s distracted for just long enough that Lexa’s able to chuck another pillow at her, whipping through the air and hitting her right in the middle of the stomach. Octavia grunts and falls to her knees in mock pain, which makes Lexa laugh so hard that she topples off the bed and onto the floor, in turn making her laugh even harder.

“It’s in the fridge,” Clarke stands up and motions for Raven to follow her. “C’mon.”

“What’d you get?” Octavia hurries after them, abandoning her pillow. Lexa, a pillow in each hand, barrels after her, but Octavia turns around just in time to grab the girl’s wrist, startling Lexa.

“Truce,” Octavia nods once. “For food.”

“For food,” Lexa’s quick to agree, abandoning the pillows and racing the girl across the hallway. Clarke and Raven exchange amused glances before following them, making sure to hide the squirt gun under the bed.

 

* * *

 

 

The girls wind up ordering even more room service, because Raven’s starving and Octavia’s craving macaroni and cheese. So, half an hour later, they’re all camped out in Clarke and Lexa’s room, eating from the roll-out cart in front of them as Lexa searches through the channels.

“Go back,” Clarke mumbles with a mouthful of food, nudging Lexa’s arm. “I saw Jeopardy.”

“We have over 270 channels and we’re going to watch _Jeopardy_?” Octavia deadpans from her seat in the middle of the bed. But Lexa’s already clicked on the show, and her eyes light up as the intro begins to play.

“ _Hey_ ,” she tilts her head to the side, standing up and walking over to the TV. “It’s different.”

“It’s a new episode,” Clarke tries to explain, but Lexa shakes her head. Octavia and Raven look to one another, but Raven just shrugs and steals a bite from the girl’s mac and cheese.

“It’s different,” Lexa repeats herself a minute or so later, furrowing her eyebrows. “Why is it different?”

“It’s a different episode than the one we have on tape at home,” Clarke raises an eyebrow at the girl. “There’s hundreds of episodes. You know that, right?”

“ _Valence_ ,” Lexa ignores her, watching as the card on the screen flips over. Her shoulders drop when it isn’t the answer she’s been expecting, and she lowers herself down to sit on the edge of the bed, confused.

“Lexa,” Clarke laughs and shakes her head. “It’s a TV show. There’s tons of episodes.” She pauses, her eyebrows stitching together. “Have you only ever watched that tape? Back at the home?”

The girl nods slowly. “It’s mine.”

“It’s yours?”

“Well, it was my mom’s,” she shrugs. “But I brought it with me when she… went on vacation.”

Clarke sighs. “You know you can stop calling it that. We all know--,”

“She’s coming back!” Lexa jumps to her feet, snapping at the girl. Octavia and Raven both freeze. A noodle falls off of Octavia’s fork.

“She’s coming back,” Lexa repeats herself, composing herself and then grabbing the remote. She shuts off the TV, letting silence wash over the room before she grabs her bag and makes her way into the bathroom, mumbling something about how she’s going to take a shower. The door slams shut behind her.

“That was weird,” Raven mumbles. Clarke sighs.

“It happens a lot.”

“What does?” Octavia speaks up, tilting her head to the side.

_“That,”_ Clarke motions to the bathroom. “She gets mad when she doesn’t understand something.”

“It was just an episode of Jeopardy,” Octavia shrugs, confused.

“Not for her,” Clarke shakes her head. “You have to remember she hung onto her mom’s every word for most of her life. And her mom was…”

“Abusive, negligent, delusional, completely withdrawn from society…” Raven finishes for her, gesturing with her hand. “Need I go on?”

With a sigh, Clarke nods. “The world Lexa grew up in was a completely different reality than this,” she motions to the room, turning to Raven. “Remember her first week here?”

Raven nods. “Food started disappearing from the kitchen,” she explains. “She’d been sneaking down at night and hiding it under her bed.”

“She’s also the reason we don’t have locks on our doors,” Clarke adds.

“And she refuses to wear a seatbelt,” Raven continues. Octavia raises an eyebrow. “She’s convinced they’re made by the government to slowly bend your spine and kill you.”

“You’re serious?” Octavia looks back and forth between them. Clarke nods.

“Lexa’s not schizophrenic. But because her mom was the only person she interacted with growing up… she still doesn’t really understand what’s real and what isn’t,” Clarke explains. “She just picked up on everything her mom did and assumed it was normal.”

“Her first month was hell,” Raven nods. “We had to take the locks off of all the doors cause she kept locking herself in our bedrooms. And then Indra had to put this huge chain lock on the refrigerator to keep her from stealing food. It took weeks just to get her adjusted to going to school every day.”

“But she’s fine now, right?” Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“She’s a hell of a lot better,” Raven shrugs, looking to Clarke. “Give us a run down?”

“Last time I checked there was a box of granola bars and a bag of animal crackers under her bed,” Clarke glances over to the bathroom door when they hear the hiss of the shower. “And her breakdown the other week only fared a broken window… so… we’re improving.”

“What could be worse than a broken window?” Octavia feels like she’s been clueless this entire time.

“A broken human,” Raven laughs softly.

Clarke sighs and shakes her head. “The first time she got to see her mom after she was locked away… she _really_ lost it. That was the only time they let her have a private visit with her mom because they figured out she was coaching Lexa to run away to come break her out.”

“Shit,” Octavia mumbles.

“Anyway,” Clarke glances back to the bathroom door. “So, in the middle of the night she tried to climb out the window. She used to be in your bedroom -- by the way,” she nods to Octavia. “But she moved across the hallway because it’s impossible to climb out of that window.”

“But basically, she fell part of the way down and ended up breaking her elbow,” Clarke continues. “No one heard her, though. She made it halfway to her mom before Indra realized she was gone and called the police.”

“Was she okay?”

“She had a cast for six weeks,” Clarke shrugs. “And she refused to talk to anyone for like… a week afterwards.”

“Her mom sounds fucked up,” Octavia pushes her food around on her plate. “That’s so unfair.”

“What’s unfair?” Raven scoots closer to Octavia so she can steal a bite of her food. Octavia shrugs with one shoulder and passes her plate to Raven.

“Her mom gets to treat her like complete shit and live,” she mutters. “And ours are dead.”

“Mine isn’t,” Clarke speaks up while she absentmindedly searches through the channels with the remote. “Mine’s alive and well.”

“Is she in the crazy house too?”

Raven pinches Octavia’s arm, glaring at her to stop asking questions. But Clarke just shrugs.

“Depends on your definition of a crazy house.”

Before their conversation can continue, the bathroom door is nudged open and Lexa wanders out, tugging a brush through her wet hair. In a t-shirt and pajama pants, she walks over and digs through her bag. All three girls watch her, holding their breath and waiting for someone to snap. But Lexa just pulls something out of her bag and smiles hopefully.

“Wanna play Apples to Apples?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a bit longer than usual? a lot happens. i hope that's okay.
> 
> but hey! it finally happened! when i was writing "the scene" i didn't even have it planned for them to kiss. but then it just kinda happened. the characters have more of a say in the story than i do lmao.
> 
> as always, thank you for all the comments and shit on the last chapter. it's so nice to have feedback. enjoy!


	13. Chapter 13

“It’s your go.” 

Raven studies the cards in her hand, but then pauses when no one answers her.

“She’s out,” Clarke laughs, motioning to Octavia, whose head has slumped over to rest on her deck of cards, fast asleep. 

Sighing heavily, Raven tosses her cards into the middle of their circle and scans the room. Lexa’s asleep at the head of the bed, and now Octavia’s sprawled out in the middle of their Apples to Apples game, her feet resting on Lexa’s back.

“They’re children,” Clarke rolls her eyes half-heartedly, shoving the game back into the box and putting it away. Raven stands up, slowly easing her weight onto her leg and giving herself a minute to adjust.

Clarke glances to the bed and then back to Raven. “Well,” she laughs. “Looks like we’re rooming together again.”

And so, the two girls wind up sharing the bed originally intended for Octavia and Raven. And, unlike Octavia and Raven would have, Clarke and Raven split the bed down the middle with pillows and stay on their respective sides. 

However, Raven’s roused from her slumber a few hours later by a knock at the door. Lifting her head, she looks around the room in confusion. Another knock, louder this time. Groggily, Raven reaches over and nudges Clarke’s shoulder.

“Hey,” she yawns as the girl stirs awake. “Someone’s at the door.”

“Then get it,” Clarke mumbles, rolling onto her back and pulling a pillow over her face. 

Raven rolls her eyes. But Clarke doesn’t budge, so she leans over and fishes around beside the bed for her brace. As she hurries to get it on, there’s another knock. 

“Coming,” Raven mutters, yanking the final strap on her brace and slowly easing herself off of the bed. 

“It’s me,” there’s a voice. “Hurry.”

“Lexa?” Raven furrows her eyebrows. When she pulls the door open, the light from the hallway blinds her, and Clarke groans from where she lays in the bed. Lexa stands in front of them, accompanied by Octavia, who has her arms hugged around her torso and is looking straight down at the ground.

“What’s going on?” Raven suddenly wakes up, studying Octavia in confusion. She looks like she’s shivering.

“She did it again,” Lexa motions to the girl beside her. “She was sleepwalking.”

Clarke sits up behind them, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on?”

“She’s awake now, but…” Lexa shrugs with one shoulder. “She’s like this.”

“Are we switching rooms?” Clarke speaks up again. Raven looks back and forth between all three girls before pushing the door open wider with her foot. 

“You don’t mind switching back across with Lexa?” she asks Clarke, who just shrugs and trudges out of bed, dragging a pillow with her. Lexa turns to follow her but pauses to glance back at Raven.

“Do you know what to do?” the girl asks quietly. 

“No, but I’ll figure it out,” Raven dismisses her with a wave of the hand. Lexa hesitates, but Raven promises her she can handle it. When the door across the hallway shuts, Octavia still hasn’t moved from where she stands.

“You can come in…” says softly, holding the door open. But Octavia doesn’t move. Raven hesitates for a moment, pushing the door open wider and motioning to the room, but the girl still doesn’t budge. 

“Octavia,” Raven reaches and and places a hand on the girl’s arm. “C’mon,” she pulls the girl forwards, and thankfully Octavia allows her to lead her back into the room. 

But once they’re in the room, nothing changes. Octavia stands by the door and an awkward silence falls over them. Raven feels completely powerless.

“Are you cold?” she asks quietly, noticing the girl is shivering. She quickly moves to grab a blanket from the bed and wrap it around Octavia’s shoulders. With a deep breath, Octavia hugs the blanket around herself and finally moves over to sit down on the edge of the bed. Raven stands awkwardly for a few moments before quietly taking a seat next to her.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Raven asks softly. She wants to reach out and hug the girl, or simply take her hand, but she’s never seen Octavia like this before and she doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Octavia mumbles, her eyes locked on her hands as she picks nervously at her nails. 

“That’s a lie,” Raven speaks before she can think. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

The small girl beside her sighs and pulls her legs underneath her, sitting cross legged. “It doesn’t count as a lie if we just don’t talk about it.” 

“But you’d be contradicting yourself,” Raven notes. Confused, Octavia finally looks up at her. Her face is flushed, her eyes are dark and bloodshot. 

“You’re the one who told me that I should work on opening up to you,” Raven nods softly. “Shouldn’t you do the same?”

“It’s different,” Octavia mumbles. Raven tilts her head to the side.

“How could it possibly be different?”

Octavia shakes her head. “You don’t get it.” 

Furrowing her eyebrows, Raven finally gives in and reaches over to place a hand over the girl’s own. “Octavia--,”

“You don’t get it!” she snaps, yanking her hand away from Raven’s reach. The girl immediately recoils. “You just…” she sighs heavily, waving Raven away with her hand and averting her gaze. “You just don’t get it.”

“Alright, fine,” Raven shakes her head and rises to her feet. “You’re right. I don’t get it,” she moves to the window, pinching the bridge of her nose to try and calm herself down. “You happy?” 

“Ecstatic,” Octavia mumbles into her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. 

“Sorry for making an effort,” Raven draws the curtains open, but it’s too dark outside to see a thing. She sighs heavily. 

“Tonight wasn’t supposed to be like this,” the dark haired girl looks down. Raven raises an eyebrow.

“You’re telling me.”

Octavia finally whips her head to look at Raven, frustrated. “Stop it!”

Raven turns around and looks at her in confusion. “Stop what?”

“I-I--,” Octavia huffs and shakes her head. “Making me feel bad.”

“I just want to know what’s wrong,” Raven sighs, her shoulders dropping. “I just want to try and help you.” 

“That’s the thing,” Octavia’s eyes are on hers again. “You won’t.”

“I won’t want to help you?”

Octavia just nods into her hands. Raven takes a step towards her. 

“Don’t do that,” she shakes her head. “Don’t put words in my mouth.” 

Octavia doesn’t respond. With a heavy sigh, Raven sits on the bed, a foot or so away from the girl. 

“I’m not good at this either, Octavia,” her voice is softer. “I’m just--,”

“It’s my fault, okay?” the girl throws her hands up in the air, startling Raven. Her whole disposition changes. The fight in her eyes fades and suddenly she feels infinitely smaller. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Octavia’s eyes move away from Raven’s, too nervous to look at her. Her voice is barely a whisper. “The fire.” 

Raven’s eyes widen. “You think it was your fault?”

“I  _ know _ it was my fault.” 

“You were 7.”

Octavia shakes her head. “The fire started in the upper level.”

“So how could it have been your fault?” Raven’s voice is gentler now, and she slowly scoots closer to the girl. Octavia hugs the blanket tighter around her shoulders.

“We weren’t supposed to play hide and seek in her bedroom,” the girl keeps her eyes locked on the floor. “But I thought it’d be a good idea to hide behind the curtains. And so I did. And it was an old house… so we had this bulky heater backed up against the same wall. I guess when I was moving around in the curtains they probably got stuck… and then…” 

“You  _ guess _ ?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

“I mean…”

“Octavia…” Raven whispers, shaking her head. “I…”

_ “Don’t,” _ Octavia’s voice is raspy. “Don’t. I already hate myself enough for it.”

“ _ Octavia _ ,” Raven repeats herself. She finally gives in, scooting closer and taking Octavia’s hand in her own, ignoring when she feels the girl tense up. “It was not your fault.”

“You weren’t there.”

“Do you hear yourself, Octavia?” Raven shakes her head. “You were seven.  _ Seven. _ You’re just trying to come up with some explanation for the fire. A seven year old hiding behind curtains isn’t enough to somehow tangle them in a heater.”

“But then what--?”

“How long have you blamed yourself for it?” Raven cuts her off. Octavia looks away.

“Since the night it happened.”

“Octavia…” Raven squeezes her hand. “You’ve carried it with you for  _ that long?” _

“It’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

“You said the fire felt like it was travelling through the walls, right?” Raven pauses. “You told me that the door was hot even before you saw the actual fire.”

Octavia just nods softly, not sure why it matters.

“You think that would have happened that quickly if it had been the curtains that started the fire?” 

Confused, Octavia looks back to her with furrowed eyebrows. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you lived in an old house. If the fire travelled through the walls that fast, it had to be caused by something electrical inside them,” Raven shakes her head. “Not some kid that ruffled the curtains around a bit.”

“But…”

“You blame yourself because it’s less scary,” Raven now grabs both of her hands, meeting Octavia’s eyes. “It’s easier to say ‘it’s my fault’ than to admit that you had no control over it. Because then at least you have an explanation. Isn’t that the first thing you asked when it happened?  _ Why? _ ” 

Octavia nods.

“Then of course you’re going to think of every single little thing you could have done to cause it,” Raven squeezes her hands. “At seven years old the idea that a fire could start randomly, out of the blue? That’s _terrifying_. Your house is supposed to be a safe place.”

“You really don’t think it was me?” 

“Listen, Octavia,” Raven sighs. “When my mom died, I did the same thing. The police came and found her body and said that she’d been dead for almost 24 hours. And right away, I thought I was a murderer. Because  _ I’d _ fallen asleep by her body when I found her. And maybe if  _ I’d _ called the police right away, they could have saved her.”

“But you’re not a murderer,” Octavia furrows her eyebrows. 

“Try telling that to six year old Raven,” the girl laughs softly. “Because I was so sure that her death was all my fault, and that if the police knew what I had done they’d think I was the worst damn kid they’d ever met and then they’d lock me away for the rest of my life.”

“And then one day I was playing in the street with a bunch of my foster siblings and neighbors, and they kept throwing rocks at me, and I got so frustrated that I told them they wouldn’t want to mess with me because I was a criminal,” she laughs under her breath, shaking her head at the memory. 

“My foster mom came out from the front porch and pulled me aside and asked what was wrong, and I guess I must have just started crying and begging her not to send me away to jail,” she looks away. Octavia frowns.

“And she just laughed at me and said something like  _ ‘Honey, your momma was dead long before you found her. It was just a matter of time before her body caught up with her mind. Even if you’d’a saved her that time, there’s no telling when she would’ve run off and done it again,” _ Raven puts on a fake southern accent, trying to lighten the mood. Octavia half smiles.

“She sounds nice,” Octavia notes. “Why’d you leave her?” 

“Her husband got arrested for selling illegal narcotics,” Raven nods. “I remember they used to give us ‘medicine’ to help us sleep when we went on long road trips and we’d all be out within minutes.”

“That’s insane,” Octavia’s eyes widen. 

“I’ve seen all types of insane,” Raven shrugs. “That was nothing.”

Octavia just purses her lips and looks away. “M’sorry for waking you up.”

“Was it a nightmare?” Raven asks, tilting her head to the side. Octavia nods.

“Some nights they’re worse than others.”

“Are you feeling a little better at least?”

Octavia nods. “Thank you.”

“Do you want to try and sleep?” 

Octavia yawns, mid-nod, making Raven laugh. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” the older girl smiles, squeezing Octavia’s hand. “And next time this happens, we’ll talk about it, okay? No matter how hard you try you won’t be able to scare me away, I promise,” she smooths out the girl’s hair. “I’ve seen all kinds of crazy and you’re not it.”

Cheeks turning red, Octavia just nudges Raven’s shoulder. “Stop talking and come lay with me.”

 

* * *

 

“Alright guys, highs and lows and then you’re free to go to bed.”

They’ve been home from their little vacation for about two hours, arriving back just in time to eat dinner with Indra and then sit down for group. They’d walked around at the boardwalk for most of the day, stopping to get lunch and rest for a bit. Now, they’re gathered back in their circle in the living room for the usual group meeting.

“High was the beach,” Lexa nods quickly, a soft smile on her face. “And I guess my low is the kink in my neck because I slept on the bus.” She squeezes her shoulder. Indra nods to Clarke.

“High is the beach, too,” Clarke nods. “Low is the fact that spring break is halfway over.” Octavia groans in agreement from her spot in the beanbag.

“My high…” Now Raven’s turn, the girl just shrugs, although her eyes can’t help but drift over to Octavia. Right away, they both know they’re thinking the same thing, and Octavia quickly looks away to fight off a smile. “My high was our trip,” Raven nods. She pauses to think. “I can’t really think of a low.”

“I’ll let it pass for now,” Indra nods and then turns to Octavia, motioning for her to go on. The dark haired girl purses her lips in thought. 

“My high is the same as everyone else’s,” she motions around the room. “Thank you, by the way, for letting us go,” she gives Indra a soft smile. “And I guess… my low…” she hums in thought. “I’ve gotta pass on this one too.”

“And with that, it’s time for bed!” Clarke claps her hands and jumps to her feet before Indra can even get a word in edgewise. Octavia and Lexa are quick to follow her upstairs, exhausted from the past two days. Raven, however, stays put. Indra raises an eyebrow at her.

“I slept on the bus,” Raven shrugs, grabbing the remote and clicking on the TV. “I’m not tired yet.”

“You just let me know if you need anything,” Indra nods and squeezes the girl’s shoulder. “I’m glad you had a good time this weekend.” Raven gives her a thankful smile. 

And so she remains on the couch, listening to the sound of footsteps and three bedroom doors being shut above her. However, as soon as Indra’s door shuts gently, someone clears their throat at the top of the stairs. 

“You think I’d forget about you?” Octavia smiles playfully when Raven turns around. She then slides down the banister, making a show of landing at the bottom of the stairs. 

“Octavia,” Raven bites her lip. “I can’t--,” 

“I know,” the girl shakes her head, wandering over to the couch and flinging herself down beside the girl. “I saw you messing with the brace at dinner. How bad is it?”

Raven, surprised that Octavia noticed her discomfort, just shrugs. “We walked a lot today.”

“You could have told me,” Octavia furrows her eyebrows. 

“You were having fun,” Raven shakes her head. “So was I. It was worth it.”

“I would’ve had just as much fun if we were sitting on the beach and building sand castles,” Octavia laughs softly. “Do you want something? I think there’s Tylenol in the kitchen somewhere.”

“I, uh, I have something upstairs,” Raven admits. “In the bathroom cabinet.”

“Oh, right,” Octavia nods and hops to her feet.

“Right?”

Octavia pauses. “I was looking for a comb and accidently saw it one day,” she shrugs softly. “No big deal.” And with that, she’s hurrying back upstairs.

When she returns, she’s got a blanket thrown over one shoulder and Raven’s pills in her hand. After handing them to the girl, she retrieves a glass of water from the kitchen. 

“Do they really help?” Octavia asks, sitting back down as Raven throws her head back and swallows the pill. The girl beside her just shrugs.

“A little,” Raven sets the glass back down. Octavia hugs a pillow to her stomach. 

“There’s nothing else they can do for the pain?”

“There’s surgeries,” Raven admits, shaking the bottle of pills and watching the last few roll around. “But they all run the risk of making things even worse. Plus the effects may not last forever.” She sets the bottle down on the coffee table.

“You don’t even think it’s worth a try?”

“Not a chance,” Raven shakes her head. “At least right now I can walk with this thing,” she taps her fingers against the brace. “What happens if I wake up from the surgery and they just decided to cut off my entire leg?”

“Wouldn’t they have to ask you first?” Octavia furrows her eyebrows.

“It’s happened before,” Raven shrugs. “I saw it on Oprah once.” Octavia can’t help but laugh at this. Raven leans back in the couch and Octavia quietly scoots closer, slipping her arm underneath Raven’s and finding the girl’s hand.

“Well what about acupuncture?” she asks, tilting her head to the side. “Maybe that could do something to ease the pain.”

“You don’t have to fix me, y’know,” Raven looks to the girl, laughing quietly. Octavia just shrugs softly. 

“I just read some stuff the other day about how it might help, that’s all.”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “You did what?” 

“They have a whole medical section at the school library,” Octavia shrugs, feeling embarrassed. “I had a free period one day so… I was just curious.” 

“And what’d you learn?” 

Octavia purses her lips in thought. “That it hurts like shit,” she nods once, making Raven laugh. The older girl flips Octavia’s hand over in her lap, using her other hand to trace circles in her palm, flattening out her fingers.

“You know, my doctor in the intensive care unit told me that if the car had hit the railing just a foot or so higher, it would’ve been my chest that got crushed,” Raven says softly, her eyes fixed on the girl’s hand. Octavia winces. 

“Would that mean…?”

“I wouldn’t have had a chance,” Raven nods once. “But for some reason I’m here.”

“That’s…  _ wow _ ,” Octavia breathes out.

“I guess,” Raven shrugs. “Sometimes I can’t help but think, though, that if we’d hit the railing just a little lower, the truck would have flipped completely and I would have only walked away with a few bruises.” She breathes in slowly. Octavia frowns.

“But you’re here,” the smaller girl offers, studying Raven’s face. “And you’re alive. That counts for something, right?”

“I guess.”

“I mean, I prefer Raven with a brace over no Raven anyday,” Octavia offers her a soft smile, leaning against the girl’s shoulder. She pauses, deep in thought for a few moments before nodding softly. “I think you’re the strongest person I know.”

Raven’s taken aback by this, and she turns to look at the girl. “I am?”

Octavia nods. “I’ve thought about it before,” she admits. “Just think, you were only six when you lost your mom. And I mean… she didn’t really... set a good example for you. And along with that, you dealt with the shitty foster system, and your leg, to top it off. But you’re still here,” she smiles sadly. “All signs pointed for you to fail. But you didn’t.” She pauses. “I think  _ you _ deserve an episode of Oprah.”

Raven laughs softly, thankful it’s dark enough to hide how red her face has gotten. “Eh, Oprah’s overrated,” she shrugs. “But you know what I  _ do _ deserve?”

“Ellen?” Octavia smirks, tilting her head to the side. But by the way the girl tugs her closer by her shirt, she knows well enough what she means.

“No, you idiot,” Raven laughs, their faces suddenly inches apart, thanks to Octavia’s impatience. “This,” she whispers, leaning in and capturing the girl’s lips with her own. 

It’s risky, they know, kissing like this when Lexa’s prone to wandering around the house at night. But it’s the last thing on their minds. Octavia’s hands cup Raven’s face, as if she’s trying to pull her even closer than they already are. She breathes in deeply, pulling away and lingering inches away from Raven’s face.

“Would you look at that,” Raven laughs softly, her words ghosting across Octavia’s skin. “My leg is healed.” There’s a smirk playing her lips, and Octavia rolls her eyes playfully before leaning in to kiss it off. 

(Raven realizes that kissing Octavia has quickly become one of her favorite pastimes.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of happy, little bit of sad.
> 
> for those of you who like clarke, there's a chapter or two coming up that focuses on her and her backstory. so be looking forward to that. enjoy.
> 
> \- lena, txrches.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning, Lexa’s the one who finds the two girls asleep on the couch. And luckily, she shakes Octavia awake to warn her that Indra’s just woken up, judging by the sound of her shower being turned on. Octavia’s flustered when she realizes she’s been curled up next to Raven this entire time, but Lexa doesn’t act any different. She just smiles and offers to make Octavia a bowl of cereal.

As soon as Indra emerges from her bedroom, Octavia’s on her heels like a puppy.

“So we’re off house arrest for good?” she asks, sliding over to lean against the counter as Indra pours herself a cup of coffee.

“That’s what I told you,” Indra grumbles, having just woken up.

“And that means we’re allowed to go out, right?”

“As long as you’re home before dinner,” Indra nods. “And don’t do anything illegal.” 

“Perfect,” Octavia slaps her palm against the counter. “That’s all I need.”

Before anyone else can get a word in edgewise, the girl is disappearing upstairs. Lexa looks to Indra, who looks to Raven, who just shrugs. She’s on the same page as they are.

A few minutes later, while Raven’s washing out a mug for her coffee, a blur drops down past the kitchen window. Raven sees it out of the corner of her eye. From behind her, Lexa furrows her eyebrows.

“Did she just…?”

“I think so,” Raven nods. Lexa tilts her head to the side.

“She knows we have a front door, right?” the girl taps her spoon against her knuckles. 

“I’m not so sure anymore,” Raven laughs. She takes a sip of her coffee -- black -- and grimaces. She doesn’t understand the appeal Octavia sees in drinking her coffee plain.

“Where do you think she’s going?” Lexa asks, scooting over when Raven pulls a chair up to the island. 

“Beats me.”

“Yo,” Clarke wanders into the kitchen. “Octavia just went full on Spiderman down the side of the house.” Lexa can’t help but laugh, and Raven just rolls her eyes half heartedly. 

 

* * *

 

Although Raven’s curious about where Octavia’s disappeared to, she’s distracted by Lexa, who recruits both her and Clarke to drag out an old picnic table from the shed and into the backyard. However, when two hours pass and there’s still no sign of the girl, Raven lingers around the kitchen just to keep an eye on the window.

But, what interrupts the silence later that day doesn’t come from the backyard. This time, Octavia makes her presence known. A car horn blares from the driveway.

“Hm?” Lexa and Raven both look at each other at the same time, and Lexa’s scrambling to the front door.

“ _ Woah _ ,” Lexa breathes out, her eyes widening when she peers out the window. 

“What?” Raven pushes her aside and opens the door. She’s immediately as stunned as Lexa is, because in the driveway stands Octavia, leaning up against the door of a bright red car. The girl smirks now that she has their attention and reaches inside to honk the horn again. 

“It’s red,” Lexa nods, hopping down the front stairs and hurrying over to Octavia’s side to check out the car. Raven, however, remains in the doorway, her arms crossed as she raises an eyebrow at Octavia. 

“What’s this all about?”

Octavia turns around and looks to the girl, a soft smile on her face. “It’s mine.”

“You’re serious?” Raven takes a step down. Lexa’s already slid into the driver’s seat, admiring the interior. Octavia nods.

“You’re looking at a 1967 Chrysler Newport,” Octavia motions to the car. “I got it for a steal. All I’ve gotta do is toy with the transmission and then this hunk of metal will run like a dream,” she drums her fingers against the roof.

“And  _ you’re  _ gonna fix it on your own?” 

Octavia leans against the door, a cocky smile on her lips, an eyebrow raised playfully. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Reyes.” 

“Oh really?” Raven matches her disposition, taking another step closer and tilting her head to the side. “I’d love to find out sometime. That is, if you can find the time in your busy schedule,” she teases. Octavia just laughs and rolls her eyes.

“What the hell?” Clarke appears in the doorway. “Who dragged this outta’ the seventies?”

“Sixties,” Octavia corrects her, ignoring Clarke’s tone. The girl wanders over, peering in the windows and shaking her head.

“There’s a hole in the floor,” she notes.

“Which I will fix,” Octavia’s quick to reply, pointing to the girl. “Along with the rust.”

Clarke opens her mouth to speak but Octavia’s quick to cut her off.

“ _ And _ the shit paint job,” she nods in finality, making Clarke clamp her mouth shut. Raven stifles a laugh. Clarke just furrows her eyebrows and takes one last look at the car.

“Did you at least get a good price?”  

Octavia nods. “It was practically free.” 

“Don’t blow it up,” Clarke hums, giving Octavia a nod of approval before wandering back into the house. Lexa honks the horn at her. 

“Is she always like this?” Octavia turns to Raven, who just laughs and shakes her head.

“Spring Break’s coming to an end,” she rolls her eyes, wandering around to study the back of the car. “How’d you pull this off?”

“Huh?”

“Buying a car,” Raven nods. Octavia just shrugs.

“I  _ was _ saving up to get a Harley,” she shakes her head. “But that was before all this happened,” she gestures vaguely to the house. “So my Harley fund turned into this,” she slaps the roof of the car and nods to Raven. 

Raven laughs, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. “A Harley?”

“Yeah,” Octavia nods. “You know, like the motorcycle?”

“I know,” Raven shakes her head. “I just never took you for the motorcycle type,” she pauses, laughing softly. “I guess I really do have a lot to learn.”

Octavia glances to Lexa, making sure she’s preoccupied before taking a step towards Raven and running her finger down the girl’s forearm. “We’ve got nothing but time.” 

Seconds later, both girls are flinching, startled by the blaring noise of the car alarm. Lexa, wide eyed, turns to look at them. 

“Oops.”

* * *

 

 

With the new addition to the driveway, Raven and Octavia are suddenly transformed into giddy, lovesick teenagers.

“Is it clear?” Octavia slides down the banister, a playful smile on her face.

“She’s out like a light,” Raven appears from Indra’s hallway after making sure she was asleep. “And the upstairs?”

“Both asleep in your room,” Octavia nods, hurrying over to Raven. “You ready?” There’s excitement in the air, and Raven stifles a laugh.

“Shh,” Octavia giggles, slowly opening the front door. She pauses, listening for any noise, relieved that Raven didn't lie about knowing how to dismantle the house alarm. She eventually deems the coast clear and tugs Raven outside. It takes two tries to get the car started up, but soon Octavia’s pulling out of the driveway. Raven glances over to her, a smile tugging at her lips.

“Where are we even going?” Raven asks, her eyes trained on Octavia’s face. The girl just shrugs.

“Wherever we want,” she smirks. “That’s the point.”

“Take a right,” Raven instructs her. Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“I take it you’ve got somewhere in mind?”

“Possibly,” Raven shrugs. “Keep going straight.”

“Should I be concerned?” Octavia glances over to her, feeling the pavement beneath them slowly fade away, replaced by a narrower, gravel road.

“Park anywhere,” Raven ignores her question. Octavia looks at her questioningly, but obliges. Silence falls over them after she pulls over and takes the keys from the ignition. The engine dies down and she looks to Raven, but the other girl is already getting out of the car. Octavia’s quick to follow.

“I have a recurring fear of being lured out into the wilderness and being murdered by pretty girls, just so you know,” Octavia jogs to catch up with Raven, sticking close to her side.

“Just trust me,” Raven laughs, slowly leading them up a dirt pathway. Wary of her surroundings, Octavia shivers and looks around the dark forest. Something caws in the trees above them, sending her scrambling to grab onto Raven’s arm, latching herself to the girl’s side.

“Relax,” Raven grabs the girl’s hand, laughing at her sudden outburst. Something inside of her swells with pride at the thought of Octavia looking to her for protection. “Look, we’re almost there.”

They make their way up the steep hill, with Raven leaning on Octavia more than she’s willing to admit.

“What’s that sound?” Octavia furrows her eyebrows.

“You’ll see,” Raven smirks.

Once they ascend the steepest part of the hill, Raven gives Octavia a nudge forwards. “Go on,” she whispers. “Go look.”

“If I die today, tell--,” Octavia trails off when she turns, coming face to face with the sight in front of her. “ _ Woah.” _

Raven appears by her side moments later. “Told you so.”

Octavia inhales deeply, breathing in the cold salty air. They stand high up, on the edge of a cliff that borders a large body of water. The sound Octavia had heard before was the waves crashing against the jagged rock below them.

“Clarke dragged me out here once with a bunch of her friends,” Raven explains. “It was pretty hectic then. I like this place better when it’s quiet.”

“You could totally dive from here if it’s deep enough,” Octavia notes, taking a step forward.

“Don’t even think about it,” Raven grabs her arm, but Octavia just laughs and turns to face her, a playful smirk on her lips.

“What? Don’t like heights?”

“I don’t like the idea of one of us falling a hundred feet into sharp rocks, no, I don’t,” Raven shakes her head.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Octavia quirks an eyebrow, taking a step closer and placing her hands on the girl’s hips. “I’m already falling for something else.”

Raven rolls her eyes, trying not to focus on the lack of space between them. “That was, by far, the cheesiest thing that’s ever left your mouth,” she deadpans, a silent challenge.

“It was smooth,” Octavia pulls her closer. One hand rests on the small of Raven’s back, the other moves to brush a loose strand of hair from the girl’s face.

Raven struggles to keep her composure, her breath hitching in her throat when Octavia’s fingertips ghost across her cheek. “I’m serious,” she tries, keeping her voice level. “That was so cheesy I honestly threw up a bit.”

Octavia, amused, just meets the girl’s eyes and shakes her head. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“Where’d you get that line from, Blake? The--?”

Octavia cuts Raven off, stealing her words by crashing their lips together. She can’t help but giggle into the kiss when Raven’s hands fly to her shoulders to steady herself.

They pull away and Octavia immediately cocks her head to the side. “Still cheesy?”

Breathless, Raven shakes her head. “Not at all,” she whispers, flustered. Her intimidating facade has completely dissolved.

“That’s what I thought,” Octavia grins. Raven pulls her back, intent on wiping the cocky smirk off her face.

* * *

 

 

“What are you--?”

Raven’s cut off when Octavia’s suddenly inches away from her, pushing her against the outside of the car and kissing her for the millionth time that night. They’ve returned back to the house, but Octavia’s in no hurry to go inside.

“Someone’s persistent,” Raven notes. Breathing heavily, Octavia leans her forehead against Raven’s, green eyes searching brown.

“I like kissing you,” Octavia laughs, holding up her hands in surrender. “Sue me.”

Raven, red-faced, raises an eyebrow. “We really should get back inside.”

“What’s the rush?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. When she moves in for another kiss, however, Raven grabs her arm, shaking her head.

“My leg,” she mumbles. “It’s starting to…” she trails off and nods downwards. Octavia’s mood quickly flips, and she backs away, but Raven’s confused when there’s the slightest of smiles on her face.

“What?”

“You told me,” Octavia nods softly, well aware that this was progress. Raven simply shrugs and looks away shyly, so Octavia grabs her hand and quietly leads her back inside.

“They’re gonna start suspecting something soon, you know,” Raven speaks up as she follows Octavia into her bedroom. The younger girl pauses to quirk an eyebrow at her. 

“I haven’t slept in my own bed in days,” Raven sits down beside Octavia. “Clarke’s bound to connect the dots. If she hasn’t already.”

Octavia shrugs. “So let them speculate. Who cares?”

“I do,” Raven nods. “And you should too,” she gestures to Octavia, who arches an eyebrow at her. “If Indra catches on…”

“We’ll get in trouble?”

“Listen, it’s happened before between two other girls here,” Raven shakes her head. “Indra found out and had to separate them.”

“They sent them away?”

“To separate homes, yeah,” Raven nods. “It happens in all places like these, regardless. It’s just the way the rules work, I guess.”

“What’s that mean for us?” Octavia frowns.

“It means we’ve got to start laying low,” Raven shrugs. 

And in all honestly, Octavia doesn’t mind. It’s quite the opposite, actually. She finds herself excited. She likes the idea of this being their little secret, keeping it hidden may just be part of the fun.

“Can we postpone the laying low until tomorrow?” Octavia rolls to her side of the bed and pats the space beside her hopefully. “I’m sure it can wait a night.”

“I suppose so,” Raven laughs quietly, leaning down to steal a quick kiss before moving to undo her brace. Octavia props herself up on her elbow to watch.

“Does it hurt?”

“It always hurts,” Raven shrugs. “Some days more than others.”

Octavia frowns, unaccustomed to Raven talking so openly about her injury. She sighs. “I wish I could fix it.”

“M’afraid even I can’t do that,” Raven scoots back, laying down next to her. “You help me forget about it, though.”

Octavia tilts her head to the side.

“You know,” Raven laughs softly. “You take my mind off it it. Like a pleasant distraction.” 

“Is that all I am to you?” Octavia teases. “A distraction?” 

“No, no, that’s not what I--,”

Octavia’s created a habit of cutting Raven off by kissing her. She leans over the girl, finding her lips in the dark and tangling her hands in her hair, rendering her speechless. When the kiss pulls away, too early for Raven’s liking, Octavia smirks. Raven’s stunned.

“I’ll be the best damn distraction you’ve ever seen,” Octavia nods, melting into the sheets beside the girl. Struggling to collect her words, Raven settles for pulling the girl closer into her side. 

“I hate to break it to you, tiny, but I have a feeling that this is more than just a distraction,” she whispers. Octavia giggles, burying her head in the girl’s shoulder.

* * *

 

 

Laying low is even easier than they thought. And although Raven always has to slip back into her own bedroom to avoid Clarke’s suspicions, Octavia’s car has begun to make up for that absence. Every chance they get, they embark on adventures, mostly back to the cliffs where they spent their first night. Octavia’s nicknamed the spot “Whoops,” after accidentally dropping her French Fries over the edge. The name stuck. 

With spring break behind them, they’re drowning in schoolwork. All girls, with the exception of Lexa, graduate in a few months. It’s been starting to weigh on Octavia, who has no clue what her future holds.

“Hey Einstein,” Octavia flings herself onto the couch beside Raven, resting her legs over the girl’s lap and leaning over to place a notebook between them. She taps her pencil against the page. “Help me out.”

“Looks like someone’s finally ventured inside,” Raven laughs, reaching out to wipe a smudge of grease from Octavia’s forehead using her sleeve. “How’s it going out there, Macguyver?” 

“It’ll be good as new in no time,” Octavia nods. She’s spent most of her day working on the car, laying flat underneath it with only her feet sticking out. Both Lexa and Raven had wandered out to check on her during the day -- Raven bringing food and stealing kisses, and Lexa hanging upside down from the inside of the car to bombard Octavia with car facts.

But now, it’s gotten dark, and Octavia’s finally returned back inside to get a head start on her homework for the weekend. She nudges her notebook into Raven’s hands and looks to her hopefully. 

“Chemistry?” Raven already knows. Octavia nods. The older girl leans down to study the problem, furrowing her eyebrows. “I showed you how to do this last week.”

“It’s different,” Octavia huffs. “There’s more letters.”

“They’re elements,” Raven shakes her head, tapping the problem with the pencil. “See?  _ That’s _ iron, and that’s oxygen.”

“And  _ this  _ is me still being confused”

“Shut up,” Raven laughs, scooting closer. “Watch closely.”

Octavia nods, although she struggles to peel her eyes away from Raven’s face. Sometimes she gets a little too entranced. 

“The problem’s down here, tiny,” Raven smirks, her fingers drumming against the paper. Octavia, flustered, laughs softly and leans against Raven’s shoulder.

 

* * *

 

“You did it!” Raven nods quickly. They’ve been doing Octavia’s homework for at least an hour, undisturbed by the other guests.

“I did?” Octavia looks to her in surprise.

“Yes ma’am,” Raven nods. “Now try this one.”

Octavia pulls her pencil out from behind her ear, turning her attention to the next problem. She studies it for a few moments before slamming the book shut and shaking her head. “I give up.”

Raven jumps. “But you just--,”

“I know,” Octavia cuts her off when she climbs on top of her, shoving her notebook on the floor in the process. “I just wrote random numbers.”

Raven struggles to gather her words with Octavia’s face lingering only inches away from her own. “But… you… I…”

Laughing softly, Octavia leans in and kisses her lightly. “I just wanted to kiss you.”

“But your homework,” Raven stammers.

Using her foot, Octavia shoves her notebook under the couch, a teasing smile on her face. “What homework?”

Raven can’t help but roll her eyes. “You’re going to have to learn eventually.”

“But not now,” Octavia shakes her head. “I have all weekend. It’s Friday night,” she leans in closer. “Let’s do something.”

“Everyone’s still awake,” Raven reminds her. “Including Indra, so you might wanna…” she rests her hands on the girl’s shoulders and guides her off of her lap.

“You’re no fun,” Octavia pouts, resuming her spot on the couch beside the girl.

“We have to be careful,” Raven reminds her. “We talked about this.”

“I know,” Octavia gives her a soft nod. “I just wish we had more alone time.”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday,” Raven notes, an eyebrow quirked. “I’m sure we can find some time to be alone.”

“I’d like that,” Octavia nods softly, leaning into Raven’s side and yawning. “We can take the car and drive somewhere.”

“Drive where?”

Both girls are startled when Lexa appears behind them. Octavia practically leaps to the other side of the couch, distancing herself from Raven. Lexa takes it upon herself to climb over the back of the couch and plop herself down in the spot between the girls. Octavia smiles nervously.

“We were just talking about what we could do tomorrow,” Raven quickly speaks up. “You know, since it’s Saturday and all.”

“Oh,” Lexa hums. “Where are we going?”

Raven glances to Octavia, who seems disappointed, but quickly recovers. The dark haired girl just shrugs. “We don’t know yet. We’re brainstorming.”

“How about the aquarium?” Lexa tilts her head to the side. “Students get in free on the weekends.”

Upon hearing this, Octavia and Raven glance to one another, both thinking the same thing -- the aquarium is a dark labyrinth of hallways, making it easy to “get lost.”

“Sounds good to me,” Raven nods. Octavia wiggles her eyebrows when Lexa isn’t looking.

 

* * *

 

Somehow Lexa convinces Clarke to tag along to the aquarium, so the next morning Octavia’s woken up by a knock at her door. Raven peers in, a toothbrush hanging from her mouth.

“Lexa just threw our door open to make sure we were getting up,” Raven nods. “Just a warning before she runs in here and gives you a heart attack, too.”

“S’early,” Octavia whines, mumbling into her pillow and tugging the blankets over her head. 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Raven laughs softly, leaving the door open a crack before she disappears back down the hallway.

And she’s right, because an excited Lexa shakes Octavia awake only a few minutes later.

However, they never do make it to the aquarium. 

It starts out like a normal morning. Indra leaves for her weekly meeting with the foster care branch, Lexa eats her fruity pebbles three at a time, like usual, and Raven pulls Octavia into the kitchen to kiss her good morning when no one else is looking. So Octavia figures it’s setting up to be a pretty good day. However, things can change in the blink of an eye.

“We should leave soon,” Lexa speaks up from her spot on the couch. “We don’t wanna get stuck in traffic.”

“I doubt there will be any traffic at 9am on a Saturday,” Clarke lights a cigarette, moving over to open a window.

The knock at the door confuses everyone, mostly because they have a doorbell for a reason, but also because the last thing they’re expecting at this hour is a visitor. Octavia jogs over as Clarke opens the door.

Something shifts in the room as soon as the door is thrown open, as if an integral wire has snapped in Clarke. The blonde immediately shoves her cigarette to Octavia, who scrambles to catch it and then turns to the door in confusion.

“Oh my god, Clarke,” the man at the door looks as if he’s on the verge of tears. He’s tall, dressed in fancy clothes, yet his face is weathered. It’s off-putting, Octavia thinks. 

Clarke stiffens the second he moves forward to pull her into a hug. But if he notices her discomfort, he all but acknowledges it. While he’s hugging her tightly, Clarke is a stone statue, her arms flat at her sides. Lexa bolts up from her spot on the couch. 

After the hug has gone on for too long for her liking, Clarke seems to finally regain enough energy to push him away. And suddenly, Octavia notes, Clarke’s genuine confidence is gone -- replaced by a forced harshness that Octavia’s never seen before.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Clarke’s voice is cold. She tilts her chin upwards, trying to match his height. 

“I just want to talk,” he holds his hands up. Octavia doesn’t miss the way Clarke tenses. Lexa, who’s now at Octavia’s side, is squeezing her arm so tightly that Octavia’s fearful she’ll break skin.

“Not interested,” Clarke deadpans, moving to close the door with both hands. But suddenly, he jams his foot in the door and pushes it back open. Some invisible threshold is broken when he takes a step into their foyer -- into their territory. 

_ “Hey,” _ Octavia grabs Clarke’s shoulder, Lexa’s hands slipping from around her arm. She latches onto Raven instead. 

“What’s going on?” Octavia looks to Clarke, placing herself between her friend and the visitor. 

“I can handle it,” Clarke’s eyes meet Octavia’s, almost begging her not to get involved. Uneasy, Octavia takes a step back, but keeps her eyes narrowed at the strange man in the doorway. Raven fights the urge to reach out and pull her backward.

“How’d you find me?” Clarke speaks up again, curling and uncurling her fists.

The man’s eyes wander over to the other three girls, focusing on the cigarette in Octavia’s hand. Panicking, the girl puts it out on the windowsill. He then steps closer to Clarke, as if he’s trying to protect her from them. Lexa holds her breath.

“I just came here to talk,” he puts a hand on her arm but Clarke shrugs it off. “This little act has gone on for long enough, Clarke, don’t you think? Your mother misses you.”

Clarke’s jaw tightens. “I’m sure she does,” she mutters. “Your point?”

“I’d appreciate it if you listen to me with an open mind, Clarke,” he sighs. The way he speaks reminds Octavia all too much of a therapist, concealing their own emotions and forcing themselves to be cordial. 

“I’m listening.”

“Let’s go for a drive,” he proposes. “Fifteen minutes, tops.”

Clarke crosses her arms. 

“I brought along some drawings Delia and Jax made for you,” he adds, then glances to his watch. “If we leave soon we can probably catch them before school, if you wanted to call them. They always ask about you.”

Something changes in Clarke when she hears this. After a few seconds of deliberation, she sighs and turns to Lexa, tugging her keys from her pocket and handing them to the girl.

“I won’t be long,” she meets Lexa’s eyes sternly, unspoken words flying back and forth between them. Lexa shivers.

“But--,”

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is calm, unsettlingly so. “You know.”

Biting her lip, the curly haired girl nods quickly, hugging the keys to her chest. “I know.”

“Clarke,” Octavia steps forwards, but she’s meet with a fake plastered smile.

“I’m fine,” the girl laughs and shakes her head. “Don’t wait around for me.”

As soon as the door slams shut, Lexa’s turning around and chucking the set of keys across the room in frustration. Octavia flinches.

“What was that?” Raven speaks up softly. “Should we have let her go?” Lexa watches the car back out of the driveway, her hands curling into fists.

“We’re not going to the aquarium anymore,” she nods in finality. Octavia looks to Raven, who raises an eyebrow.

“Who was that?”

“Her dad,” Lexa mumbles, slowly lowering herself down on the couch. Raven, stunned, moves to sit beside her.

“That’s the pastor?”

“He gives me the creeps,” Octavia speaks up, pushing the curtains aside and surveying the front yard before locking the door. “We should call Indra.”

“No!” Lexa abruptly jumps to her feet. “We can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Clarke said not to.”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “No she didn’t.”

“You weren’t there,” Lexa mumbles, shaking her head. She retrieves the keys from where she’d thrown them. “Clarke can handle it.”

“You don’t sound so sure,” Octavia notes. Lexa glances to the door.

“I have to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't planning on posting today but i figured i'd give you something to help you recover from last night's episode. 
> 
> (i swear if the writers are trying to set octavia up as an antagonist i will riot)
> 
> also this is a cliffhanger and i apologize for that but oops
> 
> enjoy.
> 
> \- lena


	15. Chapter 15

“It’s been fifteen minutes,” Raven leans against the windowsill, glancing outside. Lexa paces nervously around the foyer, wringing her hands together. 

“Lexa, come on,” Octavia, frustrated, grabs the girl’s shoulders. “Why can’t we call Indra?”

“We  _ can’t _ ,” Lexa shakes her head in a panic. “That’s not how it works.”

“ _ You know something we don’t _ ,” Raven notes, standing up and approaching the girl. Lexa immediately looks away, avoiding their eyes.

“She can’t create a scene,” Lexa sighs. “She says she can’t ruin things for Jax and Delia.”

“Who?”

“Her brother and sister.”

Raven and Octavia turn to look at her, shocked. Lexa peers out the window and taps her foot anxiously.

“So he  _ does _ hit her,” Raven’s blunt, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow at Lexa. “That’s why she ran away.”

Lexa swallows nervously, torn between her secrecy to Clarke, or Clarke’s well-being. She keeps her eyes on the driveway, neither confirming nor denying Raven’s suspicions. 

“That’s it,” Octavia shakes her head, trying to be the voice of reason. “I’m calling Indra.”

“That’s not part of the plan!” Lexa cries out, flinging her hands down at her sides in frustration, taking both girls by surprise. Octavia freezes.

“What plan?”

“Stay out of trouble until she turns 18,” Lexa mumbles, looking down at the ground. “Stall the court date. Lay low. Keep Jax and Delia safe.”

“This is about her siblings?” Raven speaks up, looking to Lexa for answers.

“They don’t know,” Lexa shakes her head. “He doesn’t hurt them.”

“And?”

“She doesn’t want to ruin their lives.”

Octavia and Raven look to one another. “By getting their dad in trouble?” Octavia asks quietly.

“They’d blame her if they something happened to him,” Lexa nods softly. Suddenly, the situation becomes infinitely more complex. Octavia sighs heavily and leans against the door, now not so sure if calling Indra is the best idea.

Raven speaks up for the both of them. “Now what?”

“She’ll be back,” Lexa nods softly. “It’s part of the plan.”

“I don’t know if I trust this plan,” Octavia mutters. Sitting around and waiting seems like the last thing they should be doing.

 

* * *

 

But, sitting around and waiting is exactly what they do.

For the next two hours, Lexa paces back and forth, dragging her feet against the floor. By now, Raven and Octavia know better than to disrupt her, although her pacing doesn’t exactly help to ease their nerves, either.

When the doorbell finally does ring, Lexa’s there within seconds. Octavia’s close behind, but when the pull the door open, Clarke pushes them both out of the way and heads straight into the kitchen. All the girls hurry to follow.

“What happened?” Octavia stands hesitantly in the doorway while Clarke digs an ice pack out of the freezer. Her lip is busted, blood running down the corner of her mouth. When she turns and notes Octavia’s staring, she rolls her eyes and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Slumping down into a stool at the island, she presses the ice pack to her eye, right where it’s started to swell. Everyone is quiet -- as if a single word could bring forth and explosion.

Sighing heavily, Clarke turns to Lexa, staring her down from across the counter. “Call 911.”

“But your lip--,” Lexa, distracted, takes a step forward. Clarke glares at her. 

“ _ Lexa _ ,” her voice is firm. “ _ Call the police. _ ”

Lexa stills, confusion flickering in her eyes. “But the plan--,”

_ “I know,”  _ Clarke cuts her off. “This is a new plan.” She pauses, with Lexa staring wide-eyed at her. “You got the license plate number, right?”

Lexa nods quickly. “3SV--,”

_ “Now,” _ Clarke’s voice is raw. Startled, Lexa nods violently and hurries over to the phone. Exhaling slowly, Clarke rests her head in her hands.

“Here,” Raven appears by her side, handing the girl a wet cloth. Clarke looks to the other two girls, hesitantly takes the cloth, and shakes her head.

“He’s hitting Delia,” she says, almost casually, not meeting their gaze.

“But Lexa said he didn’t--,”

“ _ Before I left _ , he didn’t,” Clarke talks as if she’s speaking to herself. “I thought if I left it’d all be fine.”

“How’d you find out?” Octavia asks carefully. Clarke digs something from her pocket -- a piece of crumpled paper that she smoothes out on the counter. The first thing Octavia notices is the shadow of a footprint across the page, something that propels her to move closer. It’s a letter, written in childish handwriting with pink marker. Clarke clears her throat and taps the paper.

“Here,” she nods, reading aloud. “ _ We all miss you. But I miss you the most. I fell down the stairs the other day. Please come home.” _

Octavia looks to her, confused.

“That was always  _ my _ excuse,” Clarke swallows and looks back to the letter. “If they asked about a bruise: I fell down the stairs. But she was smarter than I thought. She must have known.”

“And you’re sure that’s a sign?” 

Clarke nods. “He basically confirmed it for me,” she gestures to herself, bruised and bloody. Octavia bites her lip.

“What about Jax?” Lexa appears in the doorway, cautiously taking a few steps forward.

“He’d never lay a hand on him. He’s the prized son,” Clarke shakes her head. “Did you call?”

Lexa nods. “But why Delia?”

“She’s a girl,” Clarke mutters. “We need more discipline to keep us in check, remember?” Her voice is bitter. Lexa frowns.

“But she’s only eight…” Lexa sits down, struggling to understand. 

“So was I,” Clarke reminds her, making the curly haired girl clench her jaw. Silence falls over the four of them, causing Raven and Octavia to exchange concerned glances.

“They said they’re on their way,” Lexa says softly, breaking the tense air between them. Shyly, she pushes the ice pack back into Clarke’s hands, urging her to keep it on her lip.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” she adds, noticing the way the girl presses a hand to her ribs and winces. Clarke, however, just shakes her head.

“I’ve had worse,” she mutters, making Lexa look away.

It’s silent until the cops come.

* * *

 

 

Indra arrives home in the midst of the madness, barging her way inside and demanding to know what’s going on. She’s relieved to find all four girls squished on the couch, and immediately goes to Lexa for the full story.

They’re questioned for the next few hours, together and separately. And there’s a lot of waiting -- officers moving to and fro through the front door, making phone calls, pulling Indra aside to talk to her. To Octavia, it almost feels like  _ they’re _ the ones in trouble.

When they finally inform Clarke that her father’s been caught and arrested, all she does is inhale shakily and bring her hands up to her forehead. Lexa becomes her voice, speaking on Clarke’s behalf.

“What about her siblings?” Lexa asks tentatively.

“They’re conducting an investigation as we speak,” Indra sits on the coffee table across from them, her hands folded in her lap. “It’s all up in the air.”

“Can she see them?” Lexa continues, tilting her head to the side.

“Not yet,” Indra shakes her head gently. “They can’t run the risk of her coaching them to say anything against him.”

“But she wouldn’t--,”

“I know, Lexa,” Indra places a hand on the girl’s arm. “But  _ they _ don’t,” she explains, nodding to the police officers in the yard. “The whole process is going to take a little time. We have to be patient.”

“She’s been patient since she came here!” Lexa sits up quickly, the entire couch shifting as she motions to Clarke. “She hasn’t seen them in a year!”

Slumping back into the couch in frustration, Lexa refuses to listen to anyone else’s words of comfort. Eventually, Indra sends them all upstairs, urging them to take some time to calm down. At the top of the stairs, Raven, Lexa, and Octavia all glance to one another, nodding silently before following Clarke into her bedroom.

Raven and Octavia sit cross legged on Raven’s mattress, and Lexa sits on the floor by Clarke’s bed, where the blonde lays on her back, intently studying the ceiling.

“This is all so stupid,” Lexa mumbles. “He’s so stupid.”

“Your mom’s no saint either,” Clarke bites back. Tensing, Lexa turns to look at the girl before sighing and and shaking her head. She remains quiet after that.

Indra eventually calls them back down for dinner. It’s just them once again, and the house suddenly feels too empty. Indra tries to create some sort of conversation, but eventually she gives up and the rest of the meal carries on in silence.

 

* * *

 

That night, Octavia finds it impossible to fall asleep. This happens most nights, but tonight in particular she fights the urge to sneak down the hallway and into Raven’s bed.

It’s been a long day. Octavia knows she shouldn’t be complaining, considering Clarke is the one feeling the brunt of it all, but Octavia knows they’re all a bit shaken up following the day’s events, Indra included. Seeing someone like Clarke so beaten and defeated has only served to remind them that they’re not immune. 

Maybe that’s why Octavia gets a little too excited when her door is nudged open a crack. She sits up slightly. “Raven?”

“Fraid’ not.”  _ Clarke. _

“What’s going on?” Octavia looks to the girl, cocking her head to the side.

“Get up,” Clarke nods. “We’re going out. You’re driving.” She tosses the girl her keys. Something in her voice tells Octavia not to question her.

And so, Octavia follows Clarke as she sneaks out the back window, climbing down to the ground. Without any words exchanged between them, they pile into Octavia’s car, backing out of the driveway in absolute silence.

“Go left,” Clarke instructs her. At the stop sign, Octavia glances over to the girl, who toys with the radio.

“Are you okay?” Octavia asks hesitantly. Without even looking to her, Clarke turns up the radio and leans back in her seat.

“Get on the highway,” Clarke nods, Octavia’s question ignored. “It’s a long drive.” Octavia doesn’t argue. There’s an edge to Clarke’s voice, something that tells her not to test the girl. It’s a delicate, fragile silence that falls over them.

The highway is hypnotising at night. But Octavia’s still wide awake an hour later, probably because Clarke has the static radio blasting to fill the silence. She’s starting to wonder if Clarke even has a destination in mind. 

“The next exit is ours,” Clarke speaks up, startling Octavia, who quickly switches lanes. 

Clarke directs her through a labyrinth of city roads, until the lights slowly start to fade and they venture further into a smaller town, passing vast expanses of land. Eventually, the only thing lighting their way is Octavia’s flickering headlights.

“Alright, slow down,” Clarke warns her, leaning forward to look out the window. They move idly down the narrow road until Clarke holds out a hand, a signal to stop.

“Turn off your headlights,” she instructs her. “Pull up here.”

Octavia begs her car to keep running as they turn onto a dirt road, leading up a steep hill. Clarke keeps her eyes peeled. A wooden sign catches Octavia’s attention, but it’s too dark to read the small lettering. 

“Here,” Clarke calls out abruptly once they reach the top of the hill. “Park here.”

As the engine dies down, Octavia studies their surroundings. Things slowly start to piece together when her eyes adjust to the darkness, just enough so she can make out the shape of a small building in the distance. The telltale cross perched atop the roof is enough to let her know exactly where they are.

Meanwhile, Clarke leans back to dig in the backseat, retrieving a baseball bat. When Octavia sees this, her eyes shoot wide open.

“Are you crazy?” she hisses, looking to the girl in disbelief. But Clarke just smiles, bouncing the end of the bat against the palm of her hand.

“Stay here,” she nods, ignoring Octavia’s shock. All the girl can do is watch as Clarke makes her way over to the small parking lot, dragging the wooden baseball bat behind her. It bounces against the gravel, leaving a trail of dust behind the girl, and Octavia looks around worriedly. 

There’s only one car in the otherwise vacant lot, and Clarke heads straight for it. She can’t see much, but Octavia can tell it’s a nice car simply by the shape of its silhouette. 

Clarke circles the car once, twice, like some kind of funeral march. She traces her index finger over the chrome accent that borders the windows, waltzing to a stop directly in front of the car’s hood. Almost pensively, she drums her fingers against the metal. And then, taking a step backwards, she grips the bat with both hands. Octavia holds her breath.

The bat comes crashing down into the hood, shaking the whole car and leaving a dent. But that’s not enough for Clarke. In her collected calm manner, she adjusts her grip on the bat and winds back again, swinging it full speed into the front windshield. She does this three times, until the window finally shatters to pieces. Octavia flinches.

After leaving no window in the car untouched, Clarke moves onto the rest, smashing the headlights and kicking in the doors, leaving boot-sized dents on all sides of the car. Octavia finally thinks she’s done when the girl drops the bat and takes a step back to admire her work, but instead Clarke bends down to pull something out of her boot.

She slashes the tires, flipping open her butterfly knife and yanking it through the thick rubber. The car sinks as she does this, taking its dying breaths. Once the air is drained, she twirls her knife around her finger and snaps it shut.

Octavia just gapes at the car in utter disbelief as Clarke makes her way back over. Her car rocks when Clarke slides back in, slamming the door behind her. Taking a deep breath, Octavia pushes back against the steering wheel, replaying what had just happened in her head.

“That make you feel any better?” she asks, for some reason keeping her eyes off of the girl. She hears a heavy sigh from beside her.

“Wish it could,” Clarke mutters, and when Octavia finally looks to her, she’s shocked when she finds the girl’s eyes are glassy with tears. Octavia internally panics. Sure, she’s seen Lexa cry, she’s seen Raven cry, but seeing Clarke on the verge of tears makes her short circuit. To be honest, she wasn’t even sure if the girl was capable of such emotions. 

But luckily Clarke breaks the tense silence for her, pulling her hands into her sleeves and wiping her eyes. “We just gonna sit here?” she quips, although Octavia can see right through her act. With a soft nod, she starts the car, and begins the drive back home.

 

* * *

 

An hour later, when both girls climb back through Octavia’s window, a pair of eyes watches them quietly from across the hallway. Clarke’s the one who notices this, and she raises an eyebrow. The door is pushed open a crack.

“I don’t like it when you sneak out,” Lexa mumbles, poking her head out into the hallway. “I thought you ran away.”

“Go to bed,” Clarke shakes her head, causing the girl to frown.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Cause’ you might sneak out again.”

Sighing heavily, Clarke rolls her eyes and crosses the hallway. “If you’re so worried about me sneaking out, I’ll sleep in here,” she kicks the door open, plopping down on the spare bed in Lexa’s room. “That way you can sound the alarm if I jump out the fucking window.”

Lexa turns to look at Octavia in question, but all she gets is a soft shrug. 

As soon as the bedroom door is pulled shut, Octavia’s snatching her pillow from her own bed and tiptoeing down the hallway. She nudges Raven’s door open, softly crossing the room and crawling into the space between Raven and the wall.

“Raven,” she whispers, a smile tugging at her lips. The girl stirs, lifting her head and furrowing her eyebrows.

“What are you…  _ what _ ?” she mumbles, still groggy with sleep. Octavia just pulls her closer and finds the girl’s hands under the blankets.

“Clarke’s in Lexa’s room,” she whispers, resting her forehead against Raven’s shoulder. “Go back to sleep.”

“Is everything okay?”

Octavia nods softly. “Just wanted to lay with you.”

Humming contently, Raven curls her fingers around Octavia’s and tugs her closer. And for a while, Octavia forgets about all that happened earlier. Evil doesn’t exist. For a while, it’s just her and Raven and the steady hum of the air conditioning. 

(In the morning, when a man in uniform arrives at the door to question Clarke about her father’s car, Indra glares at the girl before turning to tell the officer that it  _ couldn’t possibly have been Clarke _ , for she was accounted for at all hours of the night. When he leaves, both Lexa and Raven bombard Octavia with questions.)

 

* * *

 

The days that follow seem to be filled with waiting around. Clarke’s on edge about the fate of her siblings, and everyone else seems to feed off of her nervous energy. 

However, the following Friday, a knock on the door changes everything. Lexa, as usual, is the one to answer it, and when she worriedly calls out Clarke’s name, all three girls come running. 

The woman at the door gasps as soon as she sees Clarke, brushing past Lexa and wrapping the girl in a tight hug. Clarke’s eyes go wide.

_ “Mom?” _ she stammers out, noticing the officer on the front porch. The woman grabs her face, looking her daughter up and down. There’s still bruises on her face from her encounter the week before, all dark purple and prominent even when she tries to cover them with makeup.

“Oh, honey,” the woman engulfs her in another hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Something in Clarke snaps in this moment, and she yanks out of her mother’s grip. “No you’re not,” she practically growls. “Where are the twins?”

“Honey--,” her mother starts to defend herself, but Clarke’s already pushing past her and moving out onto the porch. The other three girls watch through the window as moments later, the door of the police car bursts open and a small blur shoots across the yard, jumping into Clarke’s arms. 

“ _ Delia _ ,” Lexa notes quietly. The girl is practically a carbon copy of her older sister -- white blonde hair and all.

“I missed you,” the tiny girl wraps her arms around Clarke’s neck. “They sent daddy away.”

Clarke kneels down, setting her sister on the soft grass in front of her. “I know,” she says quietly, reaching up to comb her fingers through the small girl’s hair. “Are you okay? Where’s Jax?”

Delia glances toward the car, where her brother sits, arms crossed and eyes staring straight ahead. Clarke frowns. 

“He doesn’t believe me,” the small girl says softly. “Daddy told him that I’m a liar. Just like…” she trails off, looking down shyly.

“Just like me?” Clarke asks, earning a reluctant nod in response.

“I guess he’s lucky,” Clarke sighs. The smaller girl just wraps her arms around her sister again, holding tightly to her. 

“Us girls have to stick together, huh?” A voice appears from behind her.

Clarke tenses when she stands up to face her mother. Instinctively, she pulls Delia closer to her side.

“She’s my sister,” Clarke says firmly. 

“And I’m your mother.”

“You can’t pick and choose when to be my mother,” Clarke bites back, lowering her voice. “You already made your choice.”

“Honey, I--,”

“No,” Clarke is firm. “You made your choice when you let me walk out instead of him.”

“Clarke--,”

“You may have not laid a finger on me, but you are  _ nowhere _ close to innocent,” she narrows her eyes. “And then you turned around and let the same thing happen to my  _ sister _ .” 

This time, her mother doesn’t have a response. Clarke hugs Delia into her side protectively. There’s a tense silence between them.

“We’re moving in with Aunt Em for a while,” her mother clears her throat, fighting back tears. “It’s just temporary. Just until we get back on our feet.”

Clarke takes a step forward. “If you do  _ anything _ to hurt them…” she lowers her voice. “If you let  _ anyone _ lay a hand on her ever again…”

“I won’t,” her mother shakes her head, a crying mess. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“It’s too late for that,” Clarke deadpans. “Just make sure you won’t have anything to make up to  _ them _ .”

Lexa, Raven, and Octavia all watch from inside as Clarke’s mom pulls her into one last hug, with Clarke making a pathetic attempt to peel her away. They watch as Delia bursts into tears and clings to Clarke when she realizes her sister isn’t going with them. They watch Clarke comfort her, most likely promising to come visit as much as she can. 

They watch Clarke try to hug her brother, but be rejected when he pulls away, pretending she doesn’t even exist. They watch her kneel down and shed her sweatshirt, tugging it over her sister’s head before hugging her close. And lastly, they watch the officer exchange a few words with Clarke before the car pulls out of the driveway.

When Clarke storms upstairs, Lexa’s quick to follow, but she’s met with a door slammed in her face. The girls opt for giving her some space for the rest of the night. The house becomes eerily silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. that happened.


	16. Chapter 16

Octavia struggles to understand why she’s melded with these girls so effortlessly. In the span of weeks, she already feels closer to them than she ever had felt with her old friends. She’s discovered that there’s an unspoken kinship between them, thanks to their mutual suffering. Even though they originate from different homes and have seen different evils, they find common ground simply because they understand each other in ways that not many other people can.

They understand that when Lexa starts repeating things -- locking doors over and over, flicking the lights on and off, changing channels on the TV -- she’s having a bad day. And when Lexa has a bad day, they know it’s best to keep her occupied -- which results in them baking lots of desserts and playing hours worth of board games.

They all tread carefully around Raven on her bad days, which are almost always associated with her leg. On Raven’s bad days, there’s a delicate balance between subtly assisting her, but never letting her suspect that she’s being coddled. If she notices someone going out of their way to make things easier at her, she’ll snap at them. So most of the time Raven’s bad days involve Octavia making her coffee in the morning, Lexa scurrying around the house to pick up anything she may trip on and straighten out the rugs, and Clarke breaking out her collection of horror movies, dimming the lights, and making a giant bowl of popcorn.

Clarke’s bad days are few and far between, but when they happen, it’s a sudden hurricane. They’ve come to predict her bad days based on her smoking habits. If she gets up to smoke at the crack of dawn, while everyone else is still in bed, it’s a sign of a bad day. And if she starts smoking inside, it’s a surefire way to know that hell could break loose at any moment.

On bad days, Clarke steals Octavia’s keys and disappears for hours at a time. And unlike Raven or Lexa, there’s nothing they can do for Clarke besides stay out of her way. They learned the hard way not to try and find out what’s wrong. Last time Lexa approached her, trying to help, things ended in the slamming of a door, Clarke missing dinner, and a very distraught Lexa.

But then there’s Octavia. She’s the newest addition to the group, and usually, based on their history, new residents are the most unstable. Octavia, however, has yet to give them any hint of a breakdown -- except for Raven, who remembers her sleepwalking incident at the beach. Raven, in fact, is the only one who sees Octavia’s true emotions. While all four girls are close, Raven and Octavia share something different. Something deeper, contained around everyone else, only showing when they’re alone. Yet even Raven struggles to fully understand Octavia at times.

One thing she knows about Octavia is that touch, to her, is a direct equivalent to comfort. Raven’s yet to understand the extent of this.

It’s midnight the following Saturday. Clarke and Lexa are downstairs, cracking up over some  _ I Love Lucy _ marathon they’d found. Raven’s in her bedroom, immersed in  _ The Catcher in the Rye _ , she’s been reading ahead for English class. Raven’s so absorbed in her book that she doesn’t even notice the girl who nudges her door open, gazing into the room tentatively. 

Raven finally looks up when she hears the creak of the floorboards, soft footsteps making their way to her bed. It’s clear that something’s wrong, evident in the way Octavia averts her eyes and tugs down the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

Raven’s standing up within seconds, placing her hands on Octavia’s shoulders and looking her up and down, worried. “What’s wrong?”

But Octavia just shakes her head and practically forces Raven to hug her, hiding her head in her shoulder. Raven doesn’t argue, but she pulls away too quickly for Octavia’s liking, concerned.

“Are you hurt?” Raven asks, confused. But Octavia shakes her head once more and tugs on Raven’s sleeve, nodding gently to the bed, quietly pleading with her.

Raven obliges, sitting down slowly. And within seconds, Octavia’s next to her, leaning against her shoulder and practically melting in her side. Her arms snake around Raven’s. And although Octavia seems content just sitting beside her, Raven’s concern grows. 

“Did something happen?” she asks quietly. 

Octavia buries her head into Raven’s shoulder, mumbling against her neck. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“But something  _ did _ happen?” Raven presses.

“ _ Raven _ ,” Octavia whines, hugging the girl’s arm. “Stop.”

“Something’s wrong,” Raven shakes her head.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Octavia repeats herself.

“But--,”

“You can’t fix it, Raven,” Octavia sighs softly. “I just want you to be here.”

“But…” Raven stops herself, somewhat frustrated. 

“We can talk later,” Octavia mumbles, shyly nudging Raven backward, urging her to lay down. “Let’s just be quiet for now.”

This is where they differ. When Raven finds a problem, she needs to fix it. And even if she can’t technically fix it, she needs to talk about it -- to talk it through, give a motivational speech of some sort. 

Octavia, on the other hand, is the opposite. Where words fail for her, she’s comforted by simply being next to someone. It’s innate -- starting when she was just a little girl. While Bellamy and the other neighborhood kids would run wild in the backyard, Octavia would cling to her mother, climbing into her lap where she was content with just watching. 

As she got older, she never talked about her nightmares. She’d just crawl into her mother’s bed, comforted by being curled up in her side.

But then she died. And Octavia became even more desperate for comfort. As a tiny seven year old, she’d whine and throw a fit until Bellamy would scoot over and make room for her in whatever makeshift bed they had for the night. The Blake siblings were like that -- they never talked anything through. When Octavia was sad, Bellamy would let her cry into his shoulder until she fell asleep. And when Bellamy would return home, frustrated, Octavia would sit in front of him, curling his hands into fists and pressing on his knuckles, wrapping her smaller hands around them and telling him jokes to try and get his mind off of things.

And while Raven’s aware that Octavia’s a touchy person -- she’s always playing with Raven’s hair, tracing patterns on her arms, pulling her impossibly close and intertwining their fingers at night -- Raven still doesn’t get it. 

Raven seeks solution over everything. Unlike Octavia, she didn’t have a bed to crawl into when she had nightmares. At all hours of the night, her mother was either throwing a party just a few rooms over, or nowhere to be found, leaving her daughter home alone. At an early age, Raven developed the habit of rocking herself to sleep. If the house was too loud, or too unbearably quiet, she’d curl up in a ball, knees to her chest, cover her ears with her hands, and slowly rock back and forth, eventually lulling herself to sleep. It’s a habit she’s yet to fully outgrow -- she still finds herself rocking back and forth on her feet when she gets anxious.

So, from the time she would put herself to sleep, Raven was quick to become self-reliant -- a little too much, at times. She tackles things head on, dead set on ridding herself of the problem as quick as possible.

Plus, it doesn’t help that the only touch she’s ever known hasn’t been comforting. Whether it be her mother’s drunken boyfriends, a furious foster parent, or a group of kids throwing rocks, Raven’s always seemed to be at the brunt end of people’s frustrations. So at a young age, she shut herself off, building an invisible wall between herself and everyone around her. 

So when she first met Octavia, it took some getting used to. While Raven always had to consciously remind herself to put an arm around the girl, or pull her closer, Octavia’s actions were always unconscious -- as if she wasn’t even aware of what she was doing. Whether it was pulling Raven’s hand into her lap and tracing circles in her palm, or nuzzling her face into her shoulder while they slept, Octavia always seemed to naturally gravitate towards touch.

At first, Raven didn’t know how to handle the girl’s incessant closeness. She wasn’t used to it. Every time Octavia would randomly run her fingers down her arm, Raven would practically short circuit, as if her body didn’t know how to process it. It didn’t exactly make her uncomfortable, persay, because she trusted Octavia, but she’d always tense up and everything else would lose focus. It was just…  _ different. _

But now, she’s used to it -- likes it, even. Now, when Octavia randomly leans over the back of the couch to rest her chin on top of Raven’s head and wrap her arms around the girl, Raven doesn’t even flinch. The only difference is that Octavia craves closeness for comfort, and Raven struggles to understand how just being held is enough for the girl.

Laying back on the bed, Octavia melts into Raven’s side, head buried in her shoulder and arms hugging her waist. It’s quiet except for their breathing. Raven, fighting the urge to question the girl even more, is frozen for a few minutes. Noticing this, Octavia lifts her head, finds Raven’s hand, and moves it to her head, silently urging the girl to play with her hair. Exhaling slowly, Raven threads her fingers through Octavia’s hair and uses her other hand to retrieve her book from the nightstand. 

Sighing contently, Octavia lays her head back down. They exist in comfortable silence for a while, and Raven can feel Octavia starting to relax. She’s slowly starting to realize that sometimes all Octavia needs is to be held. That, for Octavia, that’s enough.

“Listen to this,” Raven speaks up softly, a short while later. One hand is around Octavia, the other is holding her book open above them. Octavia lifts her head, resting her chin on Raven’s shoulder and letting her eyes trace the girl’s face.

_ “That’s the thing about girls,”  _ Raven clears her throat, reading aloud.  _ “Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”  _ Raven pauses, glancing to Octavia for a moment before turning back to the book.  _ “Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.” _

When she looks back to Octavia, the girl just laughs softly and buries her head back in Raven’s shoulder to hide her face. Dog earing the page, Raven tosses the book aside.

“You better?” she asks quietly. Octavia glances to her again, nodding softly.

“T’was nothing,” she shrugs softly. “Just a bad dream. Felt real.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Raven,” Octavia giggles. “M’fine. Stop worrying.”

“I’m just concerned about you,” Raven mumbles. Endeared, Octavia presses a kiss to the girl’s shoulder.

“I know, and I appreciate it,” she nods. “But I’m okay now. Promise.” She reaches out to trace circles around Raven’s collarbone, an action that causes goosebumps to form on the girl’s skin. “I just wanted to lay with you.”

“That’s all?”

Octavia giggles. “That’s all.”

“And you’d tell me if something really was wrong?”

“Of course,” Octavia pushes herself up with her hands, letting her face linger above Raven’s, her hair cascading down around them like a curtain. She laughs softly, a playful smile on her lips. “I like you.”

Gazing up at the girl, Raven rolls her eyes and plays along. “I like you too.”

Laughing, Octavia leans down to kiss her, starting out by just ghosting her lips over the girl’s until Raven’s forced to pull her closer, cupping the back of Octavia’s neck and making her laugh into the kiss. Things start off slow, but Octavia starts to kiss back harder, spurred by the feeling of Raven’s fingers threaded in her hair at the nape of her neck. Raven may be practically a stranger to touch, but she’s learned a thing or two from Octavia.

When Octavia pulls away abruptly, a teasing smirk on her face, Raven struggles to catch her breath.

_ “Jesus Christ,” _ is all she can breathe out, amusing Octavia, who tilts her head to the side playfully.

“That bad?” Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“No,” Raven shakes her head, swallowing hard. “Good,” she nods, breathless. “Really good.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Octavia quips back. She leans down to kiss her again, but Raven stops her, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“Really?”

Pausing, Octavia studies the girl’s face. “Huh?”

“What you said before…”

“About you being a good kisser?”

Raven nods. “I am?”

“Of course you are,” Octavia laughs softly. “I’m surprised no one’s ever told you that before.” 

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Octavia feels Raven tense up. 

“I…” Raven opens her mouth to speak but changes her mind, clamping her jaw shut. A few seconds pass in tense silence, with Octavia tentatively studying her face, quickly connecting the dots. 

“I was your first kiss?” Octavia’s eyebrows raise slightly, her mouth agape.

“Technically all those  _ ‘firsts’ _ are just social constructs,” Raven starts to ramble, looking away. 

“But  _ I was _ the first person you kissed?” Octavia insists. Raven refuses to meet her eyes, making the girl laugh softly.  _ “Raven,” _ she whines, giggling and turning the girl’s chin to look at her. “Tell me.”

“If we’re speaking logistically…” Raven mumbles. “Then you were the first girl I kissed, yes.”

“Girl?” Octavia quirks an eyebrow.

_ “Person,”  _ Raven sighs, correcting herself. “The first  _ person _ I kissed.”

Octavia studies her face for a few moments, a small smile creeping onto her own. “You never told me that.”

“I didn’t see the importance,” Raven tries to look away, embarrassed, but Octavia stops her by cupping her cheek and leaning down to kiss her again. Raven’s breath catches in her throat, caught off guard.

“You’re cute,” Octavia laughs softly when the kiss breaks, and she plops back down into the space beside Raven, a smile etched onto her face.

“M’not cute,” Raven mumbles. “I’m tough.”

“Shut up,” Octavia nudges her shoulder. “You can be both.”

“So you’ve kissed other people?” Raven blurts out, rolling on her side to face Octavia, who nods softly.

_ “Boys,”  _ Octavia absentmindedly reaches out to run her fingers over Raven’s jawline. “I’ve kissed  _ boys _ . Didn’t do anything for me. Nothing special,” she shrugs. “All those didn’t mean anything.”

“So you’re saying this means something?” Raven gestures between them, smirking when Octavia’s face turns red.

“It’s a possibility,” Octavia crinkles her nose, a smile creeping across her face. “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”

“If it means anything, you’re the best person I’ve ever kissed.”

“I’m the  _ only _ person you’ve ever kissed.”

“Exactly.”

“Shut up,” Octavia nudges her shoulder, rolling her eyes. She turns to lay on her back beside the girl, finding one of Raven’s hands and holding it up, running her index finger across the lines on her palm.

“I should probably get going,” Octavia half mumbles, hoping Raven won’t even hear her. She glances to the alarm. “Clarke will be back soon.”

“Don’t,” Raven shakes her head. “She hasn’t slept in here for the past week.” She reaches out, trying to pull Octavia closer. “Stay.”

Rolling back over to face her, Octavia raises an eyebrow. “What happened to laying low?”

“It can wait until tomorrow.”

“Fine by me,” Octavia smiles softly, reaching over to turn out the light. Raven’s hands find hers in the darkness, feeling her chest swell when Octavia melts into her side, sighing contently and pulling Raven even closer.

“Do you sleep like this with everyone?” Raven teases, tugging the blankets over them and sinking back into her pillow.

“Nope,” Octavia shakes her head. “Just people I really like,” she curls and uncurls her fingers against Raven’s stomach, yawning softly. “Just you.”

And so, Raven may not quite understand Octavia’s affinity for closeness, but she doesn’t mind it, either. In fact, it might be starting to rub off on her, which she realizes when she wakes up in the middle of the night for the sole purpose of pulling Octavia closer.

 

* * *

 

On Sunday afternoon, Indra drives Clarke two hours to visit with her siblings. They’re gone before anyone else wakes up.

And when Octavia does wake up, she’s in Raven’s bed. Raven is still fast asleep, and Octavia rolls over to face her. However, something else disturbs the peace -- the rustling of something in the closet. Octavia lifts her head slowly.

“Oh, good. You’re awake,” Lexa turns around, holding up a blouse and studying herself in the mirror on the back of the door. “Does this look okay?”

Even though Octavia’s panicking, Lexa doesn’t acknowledge the fact that the two girls are in bed together. Cautiously, Octavia sits up.

“What are you doing?” 

“Clarke said I could borrow something,” Lexa hums, turning back to the closet and shifting through the hangers. “I need something… professional.”

“Why would you need to be professional on a Sunday morning?” Octavia rubs her eyes.

“Job interview,” Lexa shrugs, pulling out a long skirt, looking at herself in the mirror, and frowning. 

“You have a job interview?”

Lexa nods. “At noon.”

“Where?”

“A country club,” Lexa says softly. “A friend in my English class told me about it.”

“Sounds fancy,” Octavia wiggles her eyebrows. Giggling, Lexa tugs a white blouse from its hanger and holds it up.

“That one looks professional,” Octavia nods. Raven stirs beside her, mumbling something and rolling over to reach for Octavia. Her eyes flutter open when she feels the girl sitting up. Upon seeing Lexa, she freezes, but Octavia just squeezes her shoulder.

Noticing Raven’s awake, Lexa holds up the blouse and raises an eyebrow. “Yes or no?”

Raven, still slightly confused and groggy from sleep, rubs her eyes and looks to Lexa. “That’s Clarke’s.”

“You should wear that one,” Octavia nudges Raven and sends her a look, but Raven just groans and shoves her head into her pillow.

A smile graces Lexa’s face and she looks to her reflection once more. “I think I will,” she nods quickly, then slinging the shirt over her arm and disappearing without another word.

They hear the doorknob turn closed 4 times, though, and Raven lifts her head. “She’s nervous,” she notes.

“She said she has a job interview,” Octavia says softly, running her fingertips up and down Raven’s bare arm. “Sleep well?”

“Mhm,” Raven yawns, rolling onto her back, her eyes scanning Octavia’s face. “Are you getting up?”

“Hell no,” Octavia shakes her head. “It’s Sunday morning, I’m in no rush.” Raven laughs softly, scooting over and patting the space beside her. Soon enough, they’re both fast asleep once more, with Octavia’s head buried in Raven’s shoulder to block out the sunlight coming in through the windows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning scene of this chapter was one of my favorite to write, just cause touch and how they respond to it is a huge part of their characters. anyway. enjoy :)


	17. Chapter 17

“Little bit of sugar, shit ton of creamer, just the way you like it,” Octavia plops down on the couch next to Raven, passing her a mug of coffee. She can already tell Raven’s leg is bothering her that morning. Octavia practically had to dive to grab the girl’s arm when she lost her footing on the stairs. But she knows better than to bring it up.

“A shit ton of creamer is better than nothing at all,” Raven nods to Octavia’s coffee, crinkling her nose. Octavia just shrugs and kicks her feet up on the coffee table.

With Lexa going to her interview and Indra driving Clarke to visit with her siblings, Octavia and Raven have the house to themselves. When the sky gets dark and the wind starts to pick up, Octavia digs a pile of blankets and pillows from the hall closet and tosses them onto the couch. She picks an old VHS tape of America’s Funniest Home Videos reruns and curls up next to Raven.

As expected, they don’t end up watching much television. As the storm rages on outside, Octavia nudges Raven’s chin with her nose and catches the girl’s lips as soon as she turns to look at her. Raven doesn’t protest.

 

* * *

 

They don’t hear the doorbell at first.

Octavia’s got a case of the giggles, and she’s tugged a blanket over her head, pretending to be a ghost. When she ends up bumping their foreheads together, it makes her laugh even harder.

They hear the doorbell the second time, though. And the third. And the fourth. By the time Octavia collects herself and hurries to the door, she’s already lost count. Skidding to a stop when she opens the door, Octavia comes face to face with Lexa, sopping wet, soaked from head to toe, standing on the front porch looking horribly small and fragile.

Before Octavia can even process this, Lexa’s ducking under her arm and making a beeline for the couch. She collapses into the corner, burying her face in a pillow hugged to her chest. Octavia turns around slowly, her eyes following the trail of wet, muddy footprints that now litter the foyer. Her eyes meet Raven’s in question, but all she gets is a shrug in return.

“I’m guessing you didn’t get the job?” Raven raises an eyebrow. Octavia glares at her from across the room, but Raven just holds up her hands in innocence.

“There wasn’t even a job to begin with,” Lexa rubs her eyes furiously, makeup staining her cheeks.  _ “Not even one to begin with…” _ she repeats herself quietly.

“Did you show up late?” Raven tries a softer approach. Lexa shakes her head.

“It was a joke,” she mumbles, looking down and sniffing. “It was all a joke.”

Octavia slowly walks over to sit down on the coffee table, pursing her lips and looking to Raven, unsure of what to say.

“Lexa, we have no clue what you’re talking about,” Raven sighs, squeezing the girl’s shoulder. “Breathe.”

“They lied,” Lexa closes her eyes and shakes her head, prompting Octavia to pass her a handful of tissues. Lexa takes them quickly. “There was no job. There wasn’t even a country club. I took a two hour bus ride into the middle of nowhere for nothing.”

Exchanging confused glances with Raven, Octavia leans forward. “I thought you said a friend told you about this?”

“I thought they were friends,” Lexa wipes her eyes, wringing out the water from her hair. She pauses for a moment. “They weren’t.”

“Who?” Octavia frowns. “Who was it?”

_ “Don’t,” _ Raven shakes her head. “Don’t tell her.” She knows well enough how Octavia will solve the problem. “We can talk to someone at school tomorrow.”

Lexa shakes her head violently.  _ “No,”  _ she looks to Raven, her eyes pleading. “That will only make it worse.” She tucks her chin to her chest, digging her nails into the pillow.

“We’ve got to do something,” Octavia insists. But Lexa simply shakes her head.

“It’s not worth it,” her voice is weak, defeated. Octavia and Raven look to one another, unsure of what to do.

“So we just sit back and do nothing?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. Lexa nods in return, wringing her hands together nervously. 

“That’s what I always do,” Lexa shrugs, having already accepting this. Before the girls can continue to question her, Lexa stands up and quietly excuses herself, stealing the box of tissues before slipping upstairs.

Both girls turn to each other at the same time, but all Raven can offer Octavia is a soft shrug. This isn’t the first time they’ve dealt with this, and at the rate things are going, it’s far from the last.

“It’s fucked up,” Octavia mutters, plopping back down on the couch beside Raven, who doesn’t miss how the girl clenches and unclenches her fists at her sides.

“Punching someone isn’t gonna fix it,” Raven raises a knowing eyebrow. Like a child who’s been caught, Octavia crosses her arms and sinks further back into the couch.

“It would at least make me feel better.”

“Not if you break your hand again.”

“It’s all better anyway,” Octavia shakes her head. But Raven knows better. She reaches out, grabs Octavia’s hand, and meets her eyes before slowly pressing her thumb down, between her knuckles. Octavia glares at Raven, bearing the discomfort for as long as she can. But eventually, she hisses in pain and yanks her hand out of Raven’s grip.

Octavia glares at her. “Your point?”

“Your body isn’t meant to punch people on a daily basis,” Raven half laughs. However, when she notices Octavia curl and uncurl her fingers, her lip scrunching in distaste, Raven’s smile fades.

“Still that bad?” she raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t know why,” Octavia lets her hand fall back into her lap. “It should be healed by now.”

“I mean, you did hack off your cast like a week after you broke it,” Raven nods. Octavia passes her a half-hearted glare.

“I’m not getting another cast,” she mutters.

“You should at least wrap a bandage around it to hold it still.”

“I’ll look stupid.”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “Who exactly are you trying to look tough for?” All she gets in return is a one-shouldered shrug. Sighing, Raven gives up on arguing with the girl and leans against her shoulder.

“Today was supposed to be a good day,” Octavia grumbles, rolling her eyes. Raven just nods softly against her shoulder.

The slamming of a car door is just barely audible over the raging storm outside, but it’s enough to have Raven and Octavia scrambling to opposite ends of the couch, pretending as if they’ve been simply watching television this entire time -- very separate, and very platonically. 

Octavia watches out of the corner of her eye as the door opens slowly. Clarke’s the first to enter, and Octavia can immediately tell she’s the opposite of happy. By the time Indra makes it to the doorway, Clarke has already stomped up the stairs. Indra looks to the two girls on the couch, who both point upward. Just as the woman steps inside, the slamming of a door rocks the entire house.

With a tired sigh, Indra just closes the front door quietly. Octavia and Raven glance to one another when they hear the pitter patter of soft footsteps upstairs. A quiet knock follows.

“Clarke?”

“Go away, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice is firm, contained.

“But--,”

“I said  _ go away, _ Lexa.”

Octavia and Raven hold their breath, well aware that they’re one wrong move away from a hurricane.

But luckily, Lexa seems to reluctantly take the message. The footsteps travel back down the hallway, and then follows the faint sound of Lexa’s door being shut. Raven rolls her eyes.

“Does anything ever work out for  _ any _ of us?” she mutters, shoving a pillow off of the couch. Octavia watches her, a frown tugging at her lips.

“They may look up for some of us,” Indra unwraps the large scarf from her next and holds up and envelope between two fingers. “I need to talk to you, Raven.”

Confused, Octavia looks to Raven for an explanation, but by the wary look on Raven’s face, she doesn’t have one either. Octavia’s suddenly aware that she’s intruding on a private conversation, and she quietly excuses herself, bringing a game of Scrabble upstairs and gently knocking on Lexa’s door. She can hear the hushed voices from downstairs, but she can’t make out a single word they’re saying.

 

* * *

 

Sitting across from Raven at dinner, Octavia raises an eyebrow in silent question. Something’s off, she can tell. But all Raven gives her is a slight shake of the head and a look that reads  _ ‘not now.’ _ The rest of the meal is painfully quiet. Clarke doesn’t bother to make an appearance, and Lexa isn’t her usual talkative self. Indra blames it on the dark weather, letting them head back upstairs without doing the dishes -- she’ll take care of it for tonight.

Upstairs, Octavia stands in her doorway and looks to Raven, hoping she’ll say something. But a half smile and a soft shrug is all she gets. Octavia watches Raven slip into her room down the hallway, disappointed.

Octavia works obsessively on her homework for the remainder of the night. She ends up dozing off midway through a math problem, her pencil rolling from her hand and clattering across the floor.

When she’s awoken, it’s by Raven, who’s quietly tidying up the books and papers scattered across the bed. Groggily, Octavia lifts her head and glances to the window. It’s dark.

“What are you…?” Octavia mumbles, her eyes following the girl. Raven just nudges her shoulder.

“Scoot over.”

Octavia obliges, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Raven quietly sits down, taking off her brace, well aware that Octavia’s watching.

“You alright?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. Raven nods softly.

“Yeah,” she reaches over to turn off the light. “That envelope was a letter from the school. I’m one of the finalists for a scholarship.”

Octavia’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Raven shrugs. “Don’t get your hopes up,” she lays on her back, feeling Octavia hesitantly search for her hand, and squeezing it when she finds it. “Even if I won the money twice over, it still wouldn’t be anywhere near what I need.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Welcome to America, kid,” Raven rolls onto her side so she’s facing Octavia. “You can’t break the cycle you were born into. Once you’re down here at the bottom, you’re a lifer.”

“That’s comforting,” Octavia mumbles, but Raven just laughs and kisses her forehead.

“You get used to it,” the girl yawns. “No big deal.”

“You’ll figure it out somehow.”

Raven just sighs. “I admire your optimism.”

* * *

 

 

“How was the visit?”

Raven leans up against the front hood of Octavia’s car, next to Octavia. Clarke and Lexa stand across from them, against a row of bike racks. They’ve taken to eating lunch in the parking lot, away from the crowd.

“Alright,” Clarke shrugs. “Jax still won’t acknowledge my existence.”

“He’ll come around,” Lexa mumbles.

“Delia’s not doing well,” Clarke admits, shaking her head. “She hates the new house, the new school…” she picks at part of her sandwich and tosses it into the grass. “She broke down when it was time to go. She just… clung to me… she kept begging me to take her with me.”

Raven frowns. “I thought that house was a temporary stay?”

“It was supposed to be,” Clarke rolls her eyes. “My mom’s a wreck. Delia said she sleeps until noon and hasn’t made any effort to find a job.”

“Stupid,” Lexa shakes her head.

“S’my fault,” Clarke mumbles. “I just had to open my big mouth and destroy an entire family.”

“He was  _ hitting _ your  _ sister _ ,” Octavia speaks up, reminding her. With a heavy sigh, Clarke pinches the bridge of her nose.

“All I did was take her out of one hell and place her in another,” she shakes her head. “What good does that do?”

“What if they go to a foster home?” Lexa furrows her eyebrows. Clarke laughs.

“The system is a whole other level of hell,” she rolls her eyes.

“I can attest to that,” Raven speaks up with a nod.

“Everything about this is fucked up,” Octavia shakes her head, balling up her trash. Lexa frowns, looking back and forth between them.

“If it makes you feel any better, Indra says we can order pizza tonight.”

* * *

 

 

The rest of the week passes by in a blur. Nothing amazing happens, but nothing knocks them off of their feet, either. So, to Octavia, it’s been a pretty good week. Not to mention, summer is approaching faster than ever.

Saturday starts off normal, for the most part. Lexa makes blueberry waffles for breakfast, and they all sit around the television, humoring Lexa by watching Jeopardy reruns. 

However, when Raven is nowhere to be found at lunchtime, Octavia grows confused. Indra’s out at a meeting, like usual, and both Clarke and Lexa don’t have any answers to offer her. Octavia checks the calendar, suspecting a doctor’s appointment, but the entire week is empty.

Clarke makes it known that Octavia’s worrying for no reason, telling her over and over that Raven can handle herself. But Octavia can’t shake the nervous energy that surrounds her, mostly because Raven had just disappeared without a word of explanation.

And when Indra arrives home, she doesn’t even have time to hang up her jacket before Octavia is hurrying to her side, informing her of Raven’s abrupt departure. Indra doesn’t even bat an eyelash, calmly telling Octavia that it’s not against house rules to go out during the day.

So Octavia’s the only one driving herself crazy with worry. And it bothers her to no end, mostly because she wants to know where Raven is, but also because she’s never worried this much about someone before.

* * *

 

 

Raven’s never felt this small.

She thinks it’s some kind of joke when they have to pass through a pair of passcode locked gates, past signs sporting “Smile! You’re on camera!” in bold letters. Raven scowls. They wind up a hill bordered by perfectly shaped trees and hedges, and Raven imagines the kind of people that must live here -- successful millionaires with government jobs -- part of the ‘one percent’ she always hears politicians talking about. Basically, it’s the last place she thought she would be headed.

The car slowly rolls to a stop and Indra clears her throat, piercing the tense silence and bringing Raven out of her thoughts. “This is it.”

The house itself is bigger than anything she’s ever seen. There’s tall, wrought iron gates that surround the yard, with grass so green that it looks fake. Round, thick columns hold up the second floor balcony. Raven just finds herself staring in disbelief until Indra circles the car.

“I think there’s a mistake,” Raven shakes her head, slowly rising to her feet. But Indra just laughs and squeezes her shoulder, assuring her they’re at the right place.

And so, Indra slowly helps her up the steep stone stairs that lead up to the front porch. Raven doesn’t argue when she grabs her arm to keep her steady, but she doesn’t acknowledge it either. Once she stands in front of the door, Raven just stares at the doorbell, hesitating. But the door winds up swinging open before they even make their presence known. 

She’s never been in this situation before, and neither has he. So it’s awkward for both of them. He moves in for a hug, but Raven just freezes, so they end up shaking hands. Raven still hasn’t said a word.

Indra tries to be the mediator, introducing them both and giving the man a run down of the directions back to the home. But their words all slur together for Raven, who’s craned her neck to see into the house. It looks even bigger on the inside. There’s a literal  _ chandelier  _ in the foyer. A huge marble staircase winds up onto the second level. She feels dizzy just looking at it all.

“I guess I can take it from here,” he laughs nervously. Both pairs of eyes turn to look at Raven, who quickly forces a painful smile. She’s never felt this awkward.

He walks her through the house, talking incessantly about the architecture, the year the house was built, and the names of all the artwork that hangs on the walls. But Raven’s more interested in the little things -- the bookcase against the wall with volumes of Shakespeare, the world map on the office wall with clusters of red pins in almost every continent, and especially the wall full of crayon drawings and report cards. It makes her chest tighten.

He notices her staring and joins her, his eyes scanning the wall. “Eliana got that for reading the most books over the summer,” he points to a navy-bordered certificate that hangs above his desk. All Raven can do is nod softly, thinking to her own collection of gold papers and report cards, crumbled and shoved carelessly under her bed.

“Everyone’s waiting for us in the dining room,” he clears his throat, snapping Raven out of her thoughts.

“Right,” she nods quickly, forcing her eyes away from the wall.

“They’re all very excited to meet you,” he adds after an awkward pause of silence. “You like spaghetti, right? It’s the twins’ favorite… we weren’t sure what you would--,”

“It’s fine,” Raven nods, unable to shake the uncomfortable tension. 

The moment she steps down into the dining room, she feels infinitely small, and not from the sheer size of the room. But because now, there’s four more pairs of eyes on her, burning into her skin. Raven shifts uncomfortably. She hates being the center of attention.

“Alright,” the man starts out awkwardly. “Everyone, this is Raven,” he motions to her. She wants to disappear. 

“Raven, this is Eliana and Natalia,” he gestures to the two youngest girls who sit at the table, dressed in matching dresses and hair bows. One whispers something to the other and they both giggle, their eyes glancing back over to Raven. She shoves her hands in her pockets.

“That’s Jonah, our oldest,” he nods to the boy across from them, no younger than ten. He seems more reserved compared to his sisters, simply brushing his dark hair out of his face and looking away shyly.

“And  _ this _ is Julienne, my wife,” he moves away from Raven to wrap an arm around the blonde woman’s shoulder and kiss her cheek. The woman gives Raven a soft smile, which Raven struggles to return.

“I’ll go grab the last of the drinks,” Julienne speaks up, slipping back into the kitchen. The man then pulls Raven aside, speaking in hushed tones.

“We haven’t told the kids who you are,” he explains, glancing over to the table to make sure they’re not listening. “Julienne didn’t want to confuse them.” Raven suddenly feels even more out of place, but she just nods slowly. At this point, even  _ she _ doesn’t know who she is.

 

* * *

 

“Why’d they name you Raven?” one of the twins speaks up from across the table, her head cocked to the side. There’s a mischievous look on her face, and Raven curses herself for feeling so intimidated by an elementary schooler. She just shrugs softly, shaking her food around on her plate.

“It was my mom’s favorite bird,” her voice is weak.

“Ravens are a symbol of good luck,” the man speaks up. “And they also happen to be featured in one of my favorite Edgar Allen Poe poems.” Raven looks to him, suddenly wondering if there’s an alternative motive behind her namesake.

“Do you have a sister named Eagle?” Both of the twins burst into laughter. Their mother scolds them, but Raven just shakes her head.

“I’m an only child,” she pokes at the food on her plate. It’s alright, but she’s used to the homemade pasta sauce back at the house, where Octavia doesn’t hold back on the garlic. She also doesn’t miss the look she receives from the man at the head of the table upon hearing her words, but she refuses to meet his eyes.

The twins occupy most of the conversation, demanding everyone’s attention. Raven’s eyes wander, landing on the young boy next to her. Compared to the twins, Jonah favors his father. With dark olive skin and long eyelashes that resemble Raven’s own, he seems to be the black sheep of the family. When Raven notices the handheld video game he’s got hidden in his lap, under the tablecloth, she raises an eyebrow.

“There’s a hidden cave with a portal to your left,” she whispers, nodding to the game. Startled, he looks to Raven, back to the game, and then to Raven again, a shy half-smile forming on his lips. It makes Raven’s blood run cold, though. It’s the same one-sided smile that Octavia always affectionately teases  _ her _ about. She looks away quietly.

“So, Raven,” the man directs his attention to her, making her jump. “How do you do in school?”

Raven shrugs nervously. “I do alright.”

“How are your grades?”

“A’s.”

“All of them?”

Raven just nods, swallowing nervously when she notes how shocked he is. What did he expect her to be like?

“Bet she didn’t get that one from her mother,” the woman beside him mumbles. It’s an underhanded comment, one that goes right over the heads of the kids, but Raven hears her loud and clear. And unlike she knows Octavia would, Raven doesn’t say a word.

The man ignores his wife’s comment and turns back to Raven. “What about college?”

“What about it?”

“Any plans?” 

“Sure,” Raven shrugs, looking away. “If it was even a viable possibility.”

She sees the glance he exchanges with his wife, but just as he opens his mouth to speak, he’s interrupted.

“Are you a robot?”

Raven’s attention turns to the opposite side of the table, where the two twins have lifted the dark red tablecloth and are now peeking underneath. Crossing her good leg over her brace, Raven looks away at a loss for words. She feels sick to her stomach.

“She’s not a robot,” the boy next to her speaks up for the first time. “She’s a Misty Knight.”

“A what?” Both girls look to him in confusion.

“Misty Knight,” he nods. “You know? The comic book superhero that hurt her arm so they gave her a bionic one. It’s like that.”

“Mom says all the comic books you read are gonna melt your brain,” the twin on the right scrunches her nose, making her counterpart giggle. But Raven gives the boy, Jonah, a sad smile.

Raven’s never felt more relieved than she does when the dinner is over and the kids are excused from the table. Now it’s just her and the two adults sitting across from her. She can practically  _ feel _ them judging her. 

“So, Raven,” the man clasps his hands together. “Do you have any questions for me? For us?” 

Raven just shrugs and looks down.

“Listen, Raven,” he sighs, leaning forward. “I don’t blame you if you resent me.” Raven clenches her jaw when she sees his wife squeeze his shoulder to comfort him, as if  _ he’s _ the one who’s been suffering all these years. 

“But I didn’t even know you existed,” he shakes his head. “It was only when I heard about your mother’s death that I looked into it and discovered she had a daughter.”

“She died when I was  _ six _ ,” Raven’s voice suddenly runs cold. “You’re telling me you didn’t think about her at all for  _ eleven years _ ?” 

“It was a one time thing,” he tries to defend himself, although the mood in the room has already shifted. “We only knew each other because we went to high school together.”

_ “You _ were the one who made it a one night thing,” Raven narrows her eyes. “She tried calling you but you refused to talk to her. You just pretended she didn’t exist.  _ Pretty easy when you’re not the one carrying the child.”  _

He looks shocked. “Who told you that?”

“Who do you think?”

He slams his fist on the table, starling Raven.  _ “I  _ was the one who called her over and over.  _ I _ was the one who showed up at her doorstep.  _ She  _ was the one who shut me out.  _ She _ was the one who disappeared.” 

“And what makes you think I’m going to believe  _ you?” _ Raven quips back, her chest tightening. 

“What reason do you have to believe her?” He looks to her questioningly. 

“She was my  _ mother,” _ Raven speaks through gritted teeth, digging her nails into her jeans under the table.

“And I’m your father.”

The words make her blood run cold, but Raven just keeps her icy gaze on him, shaking her head slowly. “If you were really my  _ ‘father’,  _ you would have been there when I needed one.” Her voice is monotone, covering up the fact that her hands are shaking. 

She sees his expression falter. The man sits back in his chair, taking a deep breath and clasping his hands together.

“This isn’t an ideal situation for any of us,” he sighs. 

“Well sorry for being a nuisance,” Raven mutters, cutting him off before he can speak again.

“That’s not what I meant--,”

_ “I know _ what you meant,” she snaps back, shocking even herself. “I’m sure watching your own mother die, being moved around the system like some circus animal, and crushing all the nerve endings in your leg wasn’t the ideal situation for you, either, was it? Life is  _ so  _ hard.” She drags out her words, laced with venomous sarcasm.

The room falls silent. Across the table, the woman covers her mouth. Raven’s not sure if it’s shock or disgust on her face.

“Raven, I--,”

_ “Mom! _ Eliana won’t let me play with the Karaoke machine!” A voice rings out from upstairs, cutting their conversation short. The man sighs. 

“I’m supposed to drive you home,” he nods softly. All Raven wants to do is disappear, to shrink down inside of herself and never come back out. Her life feels like it’s suddenly been flipped on its head. She’s questioning everything about her past. The lump in her throat is so big she feels as if she might choke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so did anyone expect that? lmao. 
> 
> come talk to me about octaven or writing or anything tbh - txrches on tumblr


	18. Chapter 18

Raven stands awkwardly in the foyer. The man had excused himself to retrieve his keys, but she can hear the hushed arguing coming from the kitchen -- making her feel infinitely guilty. 

As she’s studying the family pictures that line the walls, she becomes aware of the soft footsteps that approach behind her. She’s startled when she turns around and comes face to face with Jonah.

“This is Misty Knight,” he says softly, rolling out a thin comic book and handing it to her. “You can keep it,” he shrugs, looking away shyly. “Mom says I have too many anyway.”

Raven looks down, her eyes scanning the front cover. Jonah gently taps the picture of a character dressed in red.

“That’s her,” he explains. “Her arm got blown off in an explosion, but now she’s got this super cool bionic one that crushes stuff.”

“I’ve never heard of her before,” Raven nods softly, her voice quiet. She traces her fingers over the cover. “You know, I used to collect a bunch of those dollar comics when I was a kid,” she shrugs one shoulder. “I’ve probably still got them in a box somewhere.”

“Really?” his face lights up. “Can you bring them next time?”

Raven tenses, realizing a ‘next time’ is expected. She opens her mouth to speak but struggles to find the words. 

“I-I don’t know,” she looks away. He furrows his eyebrows, studying her for a moment.

“You’re not what I imagined an older sister to be like,” he notes softly. Raven freezes, looking to him in confusion, but he just laughs.

“I’m not stupid,” he shakes his head. “Dad never has company over. Plus we look exactly the same.” He holds his arm out against Raven’s, and sure enough, their skin is the same exact color -- a golden tan that stays year round. Raven raises an eyebrow.

“Plus I  _ may _ have overheard them talking about you the other day,” he mumbles. Raven can’t help but laugh softly, thinking that maybe, just maybe, she’s found an ally.

* * *

 

 

The drive home is tense.

They exist in silence for a while, with Raven rolling and unrolling the comic book in her hands nervously.

“I’m sorry about Julienne’s comment.”

The man breaks the silence, but Raven sits quietly, not even acknowledging his existence. Glancing over to her, he sighs heavily.

“I understand if you’re mad at me.”

Raven doesn’t say a word.

“Well if you’re not going to speak, then I will,” he nods, more to himself than anyone. Raven slumps against the window.

“You don’t know how bad I feel about not being there when you were a kid,” he shakes his head. “If I’d have know… I’d have done  _ something.”  _

“And I don’t know the extent of what you’ve been through, but maybe things are looking up now. I heard you won a scholarship,” he looks to her for confirmation, but Raven doesn’t move a muscle. He sighs again.

“I shouldn’t have expected you to come running to me with open arms, anyway,” his voice is quiet. “But I think I can help you, Raven. I have money. I have friends who are doctors. There’s got to be something they can do for your--,” 

“I don’t  _ need _ your  _ help,”  _ Raven snaps back, breaking her silence. “I don’t want your pity.”

“But--,”

“I’ve survived for this long on my own, I think I’ll do just fine without you trying to buy my love with your money,” she clenches her jaw. Her words effectively render him speechless, letting Raven know that her attitude didn’t come from his side of the family. The rest of the ride is quiet, painfully so, and only when the pull in the driveway of the home does he speak again.

“I’m not asking you to see me as a father,” he turns to her. “I’m just--,”

But Raven’s far past the point of defeat. She’s already halfway out the door.

“Thanks for the ride,” she mutters, slamming the car door shut and limping up the steps to the front porch. She doesn’t go inside until she hears the hum of the engine, waiting for the car to slowly back out of the driveway. Even now, she longs to disappear. 

 

* * *

 

 

The minute she hears the sound of a key in the doorknob, Octavia’s clambering down the stairs.

Everyone else is fast asleep, but Octavia’s remained awake, anxiously hoping for Raven to return. And so, she’s standing in front of the door when Raven nudges it open. As soon as their eyes meet, Octavia’s heart drops. Something’s wrong.

They just stare at each other for a few moments. Raven, as if she’s been caught, and Octavia, scared that saying something will push the girl away.

But she does. And although she’s dying to know where Raven’s been, those aren’t the first words that leave her mouth. Instead, she takes a shy step forward.

“What’s wrong?” she asks quietly. And for some reason, her voice is just the right mixture of vulnerable and concerned -- enough to make Raven choke back tears, swallowing heavily. 

Something instinctual in Octavia makes her hold out her arms slowly. And sure enough, Raven just crumples, dropping her things to the floor and stumbling the few steps forward into Octavia’s arms.

Octavia’s stunned, but she’s quick to wrap her arms around Raven, holding her tightly. With her head buried in Octavia’s shoulder, Raven cries for the first time that day. Everything she’s kept bottled up comes spilling out, sobs wracking her body. Octavia just keeps her arms wound around the girl, keeping her grounded, as if she’ll just float away if she lets go.

What Octavia doesn’t see is Indra, who peers around the corner to make sure Raven’s home safe. Once she sees Octavia comforting her, though, she quietly leaves her to it.

“Are you hurt?” Octavia asks softly against Raven’s shoulder, relieved when the girl shakes her head. Slowly, Octavia pulls back, cupping Raven’s face with her hands and searching the girl’s eyes. Holding her breath to fight back tears, Raven shrinks under Octavia’s concerned gaze.

“Shh,” Octavia shakes her head, noting how Raven’s bottom lip trembles. She pulls her closer again, squeezing her tightly. This is the most worked up she’s ever seen Raven, and yet she’s doing everything she can  _ not _ to bombard her with questions, even though she’s dying to know what’s going on. Her first priority is to calm Raven down.

“Come sit,” she says softly, gently ushering the girl into the living room and over to the couch. Once Raven’s sitting, Octavia disappears into the kitchen, emerging a few moments later with a cup of tea and a bag of frozen peas. She hands the mug to Raven, and then sits on the coffee table directly across from her, placing the makeshift ice pack against the girl’s knee. She’s not sure if Raven’s leg is even bothering her, but she knows it eases some of the ache regardless.

As they sit there, with Raven forcing herself to take deep breaths to hold back more tears, Octavia notices how the girl’s eyes keep darting to her worriedly. 

“I won’t ask,” Octavia says softly, shaking her head. “I’m here to talk, but you don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to.” Even though everything in her aches to know, Octavia’s come to realize that she’ll go to any length to see Raven happy again.

Yet, for some reason, her words seems to have the opposite effect of what she wanted. Setting down the mug, Raven’s head falls into her hands and she chokes back another sob. Within seconds, Octavia’s next to her, pulling her into her arms.

“I’m sorry,” Raven finally speaks, her voice rough as sandpaper. Octavia’s caught off guard.

“Sorry?” she tenses, looking to the girl, her mind suddenly reeling to find what Raven could possibly be apologizing for.

“I didn’t tell you,” Raven shakes her head, furiously wiping the tears in her eyes with her shirtsleeve. Octavia tilts her head to the side, and Raven breathes in shakily, pressing her hands to her temples.

“My dad,” Raven whispers, the words hanging heavy between them. “I saw him tonight.”

Octavia’s eyes widen. “What?”

“The letter,” Raven looks away. “He found me. He… he’s got a whole family. And a huge house. And an office that’s even bigger than my bedroom where they hang their report cards on the wall and--,” she cuts her own rambling off, shaking her head and fighting back tears. Octavia reaches up to brush the girl’s hair out of her face.

“That bad?” she asks quietly, concealing her own shock.

“H-horrible,” Raven breathes in deeply, holding it in her chest. The waver in her voice compels Octavia to pull her into a hug once again, cupping the back of the girl’s neck with her hand.

“I’m so sorry,” Octavia whispers, her words quiet against Raven’s shoulder. Even with only the gist of where she’s been, Octavia understands how it shook Raven to the core. “I’m so sorry,” she repeats herself, softer this time. Raven’s arms just wrap tighter around her, clinging to something real. And then, it just slips out.

“I love you.”

Octavia’s voice is barely a whisper. So quiet, in fact, that Raven doesn’t even hear her over her own shaky sobs. But Octavia hears herself, her own words crashing over her in a wave of realization. It had just spilled out of her without any thought. And suddenly, she’s terrified when she realizes how true her words are. Even though the moment is weighed heavy with sadness, her words have never been more true. In realizing just how much Raven’s pain spurs her own, Octavia can’t deny it any longer.  _ She loves her. _ And even though it terrifies her down to the bone, the only thing she can do is hold Raven even tighter, praying that maybe, just maybe, she feels the same.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, when Lexa and Clarke wander downstairs, they find Octavia and Raven on the couch, fast asleep. Octavia’s sitting up, her feet resting on the coffee table and her head slumped back against the couch. Raven’s head is in her lap, and she’s curled up beside the girl, a pillow hugged to her chest and her braced leg hanging sideways off the couch. Clarke and Lexa exchange glances, but Lexa stops Clarke before she can slip an unlit cigarette into Octavia’s mouth, which is slightly open.

“Let them sleep,” Indra’s voice rings out from the kitchen, startling the two girls. Indra pours herself a cup of coffee and walks over to join them in the doorway. “They’ve had a long night.” Clarke looks to her for an explanation, but is only met with a stern look.

And so, Clarke and Lexa quietly gather breakfast and head back upstairs. Clarke’s confused, but Lexa has a content smile on her face -- she’s known all along.

It’s past noon when Raven finally stirs awake. She groans, blinking her heavy eyelids open and inhaling slowly. She hates crying, simply because she always wakes up feeling like shit the next day. Her surroundings slowly fade into view, and she feels a hand threaded in her hair. 

“Morning,” Octavia rasps softly, yawning and bringing her free hand up to rub the kink in her neck. Sitting up slowly, Raven hisses as she moves her leg. Falling asleep in that position hadn’t been the best idea.

“Fuck,” Raven mutters under her breath, using her thumb to rub circles in the sensitive skin around her knee. Octavia lifts her head, frowning. 

“Hurts?” she asks softly. Raven nods.

“Hurts.”

Scrunching her nose in distaste, Octavia moves to kneel in front of Raven, her fingers carefully undoing the straps on her brace. Raven tenses, but Octavia just places a hand on her knee.

“It’s fine,” she nods softly. “Not like we’re going anywhere today.” Relaxing softly, Raven draws her bottom lip between her teeth and watches as Octavia carefully eases the brace from her leg, removing some of the stiff pressure. Raven slumps back into the couch. Quietly, Octavia crawls back up beside her. 

“You’re thinking about it,” she notes, giving Raven a knowing look.

“Can you blame me?” Raven sighs heavily, looking down and picking at her nails. Octavia frowns.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even know where I’d start,” Raven mutters. Octavia just reaches over, preventing Raven from picking at her nails by pulling one of her hands into her lap.

“Start with him,” she prompts softly. “What was he like?”

Raven scrunches her nose. “Alive.”

Octavia tilts her head to the side.

“Not dead,” Raven adds. Octavia squeezes her hand, urging her to go on. 

“I grew up assuming her was as good as dead,” Raven shakes her head. “He’s not.”

“He’s very much alive,” Octavia adds, making Raven laugh softly. “Was he nice?”

This just earns a half-shrug from Raven. “He’s nothing like I expected.”

“What did you expect?”

“Anything but him.”

Octavia raises an eyebrow. “That bad?”

“His family is  _ perfect,” _ Raven’s voice wavers and she starts to ramble. “He’s got this huge map and he’s marked all the places they’ve traveled. Their house is just  _ covered _ in pictures of them. At the grand canyon, swimming with dolphins, hiking up volcanoes…”

“And that’s bad?” Octavia furrows her eyebrows.

“That could’ve been me,” Raven avoids her eyes, her voice shaky and rough in the back of her throat. A wave of realization hits Octavia, her heart dropping. She cups Raven’s hand between her own.

“He only reached out to me to curb his own guilt,” Raven shakes her head, swallowing the lump in her throat. “The minute we were alone he told me he knew doctors that could fix my leg.”

Octavia’s jaw tightens. “You don’t need fixing.”

“Tell that to him,” Raven mutters. “I’m just some stain on his bloodline.”

Octavia feels the words on the tip of her tongue but she bites them back. Quietly, she pulls her feet up underneath her and curls into Raven’s side.

“I’m too much like my mother,” Raven sighs. “Sometime’s it’s like I’m doomed to turn out just like her.”

“You scare me when you talk like that,” Octavia says quietly. Raven pauses, glancing to her. Their eyes meet and she sighs heavily.

“I can’t help it,” she draws her bottom lip between her teeth, shivering when Octavia starts tracing patterns into the underside of her forearm. “I can’t beat it. No matter what I do I’m always going to be like her.”

“No you’re not,” Octavia shakes her head. “You’re nothing like her.”

“Well I’m nothing like  _ him _ , either.”

“So?” Octavia lifts her head to look at her. “You don’t have to be like any of them. You’re you.” She gives her a sad smile.  _ “I’m _ nothing like my mom.”

Raven pauses, turning to study the girl. “What about your dad?”

“Dead,” Octavia shrugs. “I don’t know much about him. Apparently he was around for a year or so after I was born.” She pauses, shaking her head. “I don’t remember much of it because he got really sick and moved back home.”

Unsure of what to say, Raven just nods softly, curling and uncurling her fingers around Octavia’s.

“You’re not where you come from, is all I’m saying,” Octavia presses a kiss to her shoulder. “You’re not your mom. You’re not your dad. You’re Raven,” she shrugs. “And if that isn’t good enough for him, fuck him. It’s good enough for me.”

“Thank you,” Raven whispers, squeezing the girl’s hand. There’s not much else for her to say, so she just sighs softly and rests back against the couch.

“I wish I could make it all perfect for you,” Octavia mutters, resting her head on Raven’s shoulder. But Raven just shakes her head.

“I don’t want anything to be perfect,” her voice is soft. “How boring would that be?”

This makes Octavia laugh, and she just sinks further into Raven’s side. “Then I’d at least make things easier for you,” she sighs.

“You already do,” Raven shrugs. Octavia meets her eyes, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “I can’t tell you what I would have done if you hadn’t been here last night.”

Octavia’s close to letting the words slip out. So much so, in fact, that she’s scared to say anything. So she just hums softly, pulling Raven closer and lacing their fingers together.

 

* * *

 

“So was he like… a douchey rich guy?” Clarke leans across the table, dipping a french fry into Octavia’s milkshake. “Or a creepy rich guy?”

The four girls are squeezed into a booth in the back of Rubio’s, a diner that they frequent. They’d gone for a drive, all of them restless and aching to get out of the house. Grainy 80’s music plays over the speakers, muffled over the sound of the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” Raven shrugs. “He was just…” she shakes her head.  _ “Weird.” _

In the car ride there, Raven had reluctantly given the other two girls a brief explanation of where she’s been. And now, they’ve taken to interrogating her. 

“Was he really  _ that _ rich?” Clarke continues, stealing one of Lexa’s potato chips.

“There was practically a chandelier in every room,” Raven nods, raising an eyebrow.

“Hm,” Clarke hums. “Noted.”

_ “My dad _ is rich,” Lexa speaks up, picking at her salad. “He worked for the government. They hired him to kill the president and that’s why he’s in a super secret jail in the middle of the ocean.”

Octavia and Raven exchange glances, but Clarke just rolls her eyes.

“We talked about this,” she turns to Lexa, raising a knowing eyebrow. “That was another one of her lies, remember?”

Lexa’s face contorts. “What are you talking about?” she looks to Clarke in disbelief. “My mom said--,”

_ “I know _ what she said,” Clarke cuts her off. “She lied. He’s not in jail because he tried to kill the president.”

“Then why is he in jail?” Lexa cocks her head to the side, a mouth full of food.

“He owed money to a ton of people,” Clarke shakes her head. “And then tried to run away when he didn’t have it.”

“So he didn’t try to murder the president?”

When Clarke shakes her head, Lexa mumbles something to herself and rests her chin in her hands. Octavia looks to Clarke, confused, but the girl gives her a look that tells her not to say anything.

Stirring her milkshake with her straw, Raven drums her fingers against the speckled red table. “Summer’s almost here,” she says softly, trying to create conversation. Octavia perks up.

“What’s that mean?” she asks, an eyebrow quirked in curiousity. 

“It means endless days of boredom,” Raven rolls her eyes. Lexa looks up from her food, pausing her pouting to nod softly

“And broken A/C,” Lexa deadpans. Despite this, a mischievous smile forms on Clarke’s face.

“But this summer is different,” the blonde notes, nodding to Octavia. “This time around, we’ve got transportation.”

Raven studies Clarke’s face, trying to figure out what she’s thinking. She steals one of her french fries and points it to her. “I know that look,” she nods, taking a bite and raising an eyebrow. “You’ve got an idea.”

“A small one,” Clarke admits, shrugging. “What would you guys say to a road trip?”

Octavia sits up slightly. “The car still isn’t completely fixed.”

“Will it be by summer break?”

Catching the hint, Octavia nods once. “If you need it to be.”

“Why a road trip?” Raven inquires, scowling at Octavia when she swipes the cherry from her milkshake. She earns an innocent smile in return.

“Why not?” Clarke shrugs. “Take a week and drive up the  _ golden coast,”  _ she emphasizes her words for dramatic effect. “Stop and do cool shit along the way.” She starts to list things off on her fingers. “Go to the beach, go shopping, explore random cities…” Octavia and Raven exchange glances.

“You think Indra would go for it?”

“I think I can print off four summer camp permission slips and get her on board,” Clarke hums mischievously. Raven smirks.

“I’m in,” Raven nods, slapping her hand down on the table. She looks to Octavia, who just shrugs and does the same.

“I’m always up for an adventure,” Octavia nods. All eyes then turn to Lexa, who looks up innocently.

“What?” the curly haired girl furrows her eyebrows.

“You in?” Clarke nudges her side. Lexa just sighs, setting down her fork and placing her hand in the middle of the table along with the rest of theirs. 

“I’m not letting you be idiots on your own,” she nods softly. Clarke and Raven celebrate, high fiving from across the table. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa makes me laugh asdfgfhgh the "MY DAD is rich" -- she's a little kid sometimes i swear
> 
> anyway. this chapter introduced something pretty big for octavia. and also the road trip. that should be interesting. lemme know what you think


	19. Chapter 19

And so, the last few weeks of their senior year drag on. 

Clarke was right. Indra falls for the summer camp excuse, and their plan carries on without a hitch. It’s nice to have something to look forward to, Octavia thinks. She’s been feeling increasingly restless lately. 

Raven tries not to bring up her dad, knowing it’s an awkward topic for everyone involved. No one knows what to say in response. And although Octavia knows it’s still on her mind, she’s aware that if she pushes the topic, Raven will only distance herself.

But things are good for the most part, that is, until one Monday afternoon when Octavia doesn’t meet them in the parking lot for lunch. Raven tries calling the house, but there’s no answer. Clarke shrugs it off, though, convinced that she just went home sick. But that doesn’t stop Raven from worrying. She’s reminded of the time when Octavia drove off with Bellamy, nearly disappearing without a trace. She eventually found her way home, but Raven’s always worried she may not return back one day.

Clarke’s been serving detention all week after being caught skipping class, leaving Raven and Lexa to walk home on their own. It’s a good day for Raven’s leg, and even Lexa finds herself struggling to keep up with her.

“What’s the rush?” Lexa jogs up beside the girl. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“I’m just walking,” Raven half glares at her, but it’s enough to make Lexa quickly realize what’s going on.

“You’re worrying over nothing,” she notes, hopping over a crack in the sidewalk. “Clarke said she probably just went home sick.”

“Clarke doesn’t know Octavia like I do,” Raven quips back, a bit too fast. She quickly curses herself when she sees the knowing smile form on Lexa’s face. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Lexa tilts her head, feigning innocence. Raven just glares at her. 

“I haven’t said anything, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Lexa continues, bending down to pluck a dandelion from someone’s yard. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious from the way you look at each other,” she rambles as if she’s talking to herself, twirling the flower between her fingers and then tucking it behind her ear. “You’re lucky Clarke isn’t the best at picking up social cues.”

Raven doesn’t respond, mostly because she’s afraid to say something that confirms Lexa’s suspicions. However, her silence speaks for itself, and Lexa just hums softly.

When they make it back to the home, Lexa steps aside and lets Raven go first. The girl does her best to ignore the cheeky smile on Lexa’s face, but she can’t hide her urgency as she crosses the yard and quickly digs her keys out of her backpack.

The minute the door opens, Raven skids to a stop. Lexa hurries up to peer over her shoulder. And sure enough, there sits Octavia, slumped over on the couch. Her hair is a mess, half tugged out of the small braids that she’d tied back that morning. Half of her shirt is ripped, stretched and torn around her abdomen. But Raven focuses on the ice pack she has pressed against her eye, with her head resting her both of her hands, elbows propped on her knees. She doesn’t acknowledge the two girls at the door.

Raven’s bag slides to the ground with a thump, and she walks slowly over to the girl. She just stands in front of Octavia for a few moments, waiting for her to say something. But when she doesn’t, Raven loses her patience, reaches down, grabs the girl’s chin, and lifts it upwards to reveal her face.

The first thing she notices is Octavia’s lip. It’s busted, swollen, blood smeared around the corners of her mouth. And if that wasn’t bad enough on it’s own, Octavia’s eye nearly matches. It’s already bruised and puffy, a million different shades of purple melted across her face. There’s faint traces of blood around her pupil -- at least, in the part of her eye that isn’t swollen shut. Their gazes meet for a few tense seconds, and Octavia’s eyes shy away from her own.

Raven’s hand drops away from her face, and she shakes her head. _ “Again?”  _ she asks, her voice sharp, laced with annoyance. Still looking down, Octavia just shrugs sloppily.

It’s then that Raven notices Octavia’s hands, her knuckles cracked and bleeding, already starting to bruise. It’s all the confirmation she needs. Frustrated, she just rolls her eyes and storms off into the kitchen. Octavia doesn’t make a move to go after her. In fact, she doesn’t move at all. Standing awkwardly in the doorway, Lexa’s eyes dart around the room before she hurries after Raven.

Finding Raven in the kitchen, digging aimlessly through the pantry, Lexa quietly slips into one of the stools. She watches the girl pensively, knowing Raven’s upset.

“What was that?” Lexa finally speaks up, keeping her voice quiet. Raven whips her head around, startled.

“She’s stupid,” Raven mutters, slamming a box of crackers down on the island and leaning against the counter, across from Lexa. “She fights everything.”

Lexa glances back to the doorway, her voice hushed. “She looks hurt.”

“No shit,” Raven rolls her eyes. “She brought it upon herself.”

Raven’s not sure why she’s so bothered. But she hates the sight of Octavia like this, and she hates the fact that fists are the way Octavia solves her problems. Maybe it’s because it hurts  _ her _ to see Octavia hurt. Either way, she’s outright frustrated with the girl.

They both hear the doorknob at the same time, and they both hurry over to peer into the living room. Standing in the front doorway is Indra, who crosses her arms and sighs heavily when her eyes land on Octavia. The girl raises her head slowly.

“Get in the car,” Indra’s voice is stern, and she points to Octavia with her keys, flicking them towards the door.

Pressing one hand to her side, Octavia inhales sharply as she rises to her feet. Raven watches from the kitchen as the girl presses another hand to her pounding forehead, walking stiffly towards the door. Raven suddenly feels slightly less angry, and a bit more guilty.

When the door slams shut, Raven lets out a heavy sigh. Lexa stands quietly in the doorway, her eyes following Raven as the girl crosses the room and slams her fist down on the counter, frustrated. Lexa raises an eyebrow.

“Looks like Octavia’s not the only one who punches things to solve her problems,” she notes. Raven glares at her through hooded eyes.

But before they can say anything else, the front door is thrown wide open and Clarke waltzes in, chucking her backpack onto the couch. She pauses, though, when she enters the kitchen to find Raven and Lexa both staring at her. 

“Octavia got her ass kicked,” Clarke nods, stealing a cracker. She then pauses, remembering something. Furrowing her eyebrows, she points to Raven, a mouthful of cracker. “Something said something about you and she lost it.” 

Raven looks at her in disbelief but Lexa speaks up first. “How do you know?”

“Kid in detention showed me a video,” she shrugs, hopping up to sit on the counter and lighting a cigarette. Raven’s eyes widen.

“Was totally unfair, too,” Clarke nods to Raven. “They singled her out in the courtyard and started saying shit to try and piss her off. They had her cornered,” she flicks the ash from her cigarette into the trash can. “She lost it when they said something about ‘the girl with the leg.’” The girl pauses. “That’s you,” she flicks her wrist to Raven, whose face has fallen expressionless. Lexa speaks up for her.

“Who was it?”

“A bunch of the stupid football kids,” Clarke nods. “They wanted her to throw the first punch so they could cry self defense,” she pauses. “O got a few good hits in, too. But it was five against one. She didn’t stand a chance.”

Raven’s blood boils, and her hands curl into fists. “Why the fuck would they do that?”

“Who knows,” Clarke rolls her eyes. “All I know is things escalated really quickly and they were all surrounding her on the ground when Mr. Ramirez got in the middle to break it up.”

“Did they get expelled? Arrested?”

“Suspended,” Clarke nods. “Octavia, too.”

“They suspended  _ her?” _ Raven’s eyes widen in disbelief. 

“She threw the first punch,” Clarke sighs. “They’re all out until graduation.”

“The entire last week of school?” Lexa raises an eyebrow.

“Prom, too,” Clarke nods. Raven pinches the bridge of her nose and moves to lean against the counter.

“Not that she would’ve gone anyway,” Raven mutters, shaking her head. “Now I feel like shit.”

“You  _ were _ kinda rough on her,” Lexa speaks up, earning a glare from the girl. 

“Indra wouldn’t be taking her away, right?” A sudden wave of fear washes over Raven, and her eyes dart to the front door. “She’d at least give her time to pack her stuff, right?”

Clarke shakes her head. “Don’t piss yourself. She’s just taking her to the hospital.”

“Fuck,” Raven mutters. “I hate that fucking school.”

“Tell me about it,” the two other girls speak in unison, well aware of how she feels. Squeezing her eyes shut, Raven resists the urge to punch something, knowing the reaction she’ll get from Lexa.

 

* * *

 

When Octavia returns home, it’s already dark out. The waiting room of the ER was packed, and she ended up sitting on the floor for 4 hours, waiting to be seen by a doctor. The entire time, Indra just looked on disapprovingly. Octavia knows the last thing she needed was a phone call from the school letting her know that one of her girls had been in a fight.

And now, she’s home, a new cast on her broken hand, which was even more broken than it was before. Her entire body aches, her head throbs, and the first thing she does when she gets home is pop two of Lexa’s old sleeping pills. Indra doesn’t even say anything to her. They’re both exhausted, and all Octavia wants to do is crawl under the covers and never come out. 

Which is why, at first, she doesn’t notice the visitor when she trudges into her bedroom. She doesn’t even bother turning on the lights, she just toes off her shoes and tosses her jacket aside.

“Octavia?”

Startled, the girl inhales sharply, stumbling backward. Octavia quickly fumbles for the light switch, groaning and bringing a hand to her head when white light floods her pupils. Her eyes come to focus on Raven, who sits on the spare bed across the room. She shrinks under Raven’s glare as the girl’s eyes scan her up and down.

“You look like shit,” Raven nods once. Octavia just rolls her eyes.

“Yeah,  _ well _ ,” she mumbles, ignoring the girl and tugging her shirt of her head, digging through her dresser. She slips into an old tank top, wincing when it catches on her cast.

“I heard what happened,” Raven speaks up again. Octavia can’t bring herself to look at the girl, so she just shakes her head and slowly pulls down her jeans, her entire body aching when she leans over.

“I got my ass kicked,” Octavia mutters, kicking her jeans aside. Now, left in just a tank top and underwear, Raven can see all the bruises that map across Octavia’s torso. Unable to be short with her any longer, Raven sighs in defeat and stands up, placing a hand on Octavia’s shoulder before slipping between her and the dresser. Her eyes scan Octavia’s face in concern. 

“I’ll kill them,” she mutters, bringing her hand up to cup the girl’s cheek, her thumb ghosting across the swollen skin under her lip. Octavia’s eyes shy away from hers, feeling humiliated. 

“Sit,” Raven sighs, pushing Octavia back a few steps until the back of her knees touch the bed and she sits down slowly. “Stay here.”

Octavia watches as Raven slips into the hallway, returning from the bathroom with a wet cloth. Carefully, she sits down beside the girl, using a hand to brush the tangled hair out of her face. Slowly, she presses the cloth to the girl’s lip, who winces in pain. 

“Sorry,” Raven shakes her head, gently dabbing the blood smeared around the girl’s mouth. Octavia’s eyes radiate sadness and defeat, and Raven’s heart aches. The girl shivers under her touch when Raven’s hand moves up to brush her fingers against the bump on her eyebrow.

“I’m sorry,” she repeats herself, subtly noting the glassiness of Octavia’s eyes. She’s been crying. Swallowing hard, Raven gently taps Octavia’s shoulder and nods, signaling for her to scoot backwards. Octavia does, slowly.

Raven’s hands move up to carefully undo the braids on the side of Octavia’s head, already messy and partly undone. Octavia hisses in pain, her scalp still sensitive from the few times hands had managed to grab and yank at her hair. Raven quickly apologizes, her fingers now moving as gently as possible.

“I’m sorry,” Octavia whispers, her voice gravel in the back of her throat. She hangs her head down, feeling Raven’s fingers gently combing through her now-loose hair. The small action brings goosebumps to form on her skin.

Raven shakes her head. “Don’t apologize,” she signs. “I’m not mad. Clarke told me what happened.” Her fingertips massage the girl’s scalp, and Octavia leans her head back slightly. “I’m actually glad you’re suspended,” she adds. “You shouldn’t have to be around them.”

“It hurts,” Octavia mumbles. Raven pauses, turning to look at her. 

“What does?”

_ “Everything,” _ Octavia shrugs with one shoulder, embarrassed. But Raven just brushes Octavia’s hair out of her face, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. Her lips linger there for a moment and she sighs softly, making Octavia shiver. From behind the girl, she snakes her arms around her waist, clasping her hands together. Feeling Raven’s head gently lean against her shoulder, Octavia places her good hand atop Raven’s, squeezing lightly.

“I don’t like seeing you like this,” Raven mumbles, her thumb grazing over Octavia’s knuckles. But Octavia just sighs, curling her fingers around Raven’s own.

“I don’t like  _ being _ like this,” she shakes her head, holding up her broken hand and studying the cast in distaste.

“Black?” Raven notes, raising an eyebrow.

“I got to choose,” Octavia nods softly. “I won’t take it off this time around.” There’s a long pause of silence, and Raven drums her fingers against the cast.

“Octavia?”

The girl lifts her head slightly. “Yeah?”

Raven hesitates for a moment.  “Things are gonna get better, right?”

Octavia pauses. “What do you mean?”

“I just… I feel like I’m always on guard,” Raven breathes in slowly. “It’s like… I  _ expect _ things to go wrong all the time. They always do.” Octavia’s suddenly aware that Raven’s on the verge of tears, judging by the waver in her voice. “Just… do you…? Do you think one day all this pain will be nothing but a memory?” She pauses. “Things have to look up eventually, right?” There’s a pleading tone laced in her words, giving Octavia the chills.

“I’d like to hope so,” Octavia whispers, feeling Raven breathe in deeply and rest her head against the back of her shoulder. “If anyone deserves a better future, it’s you, Raven.” She feels the girl’s breath shake and squeezes her hand.

“Is this about your dad?” Octavia asks carefully, knowing that it’s risky. But Raven just shrugs with one shoulder. 

“That too,” she says softly, her fingers tracing over Octavia’s. “But this isn’t any fun, either.”

_ “This?” _

“You. Being hurt,” Raven whispers, her voice rough. “I don’t like it. Don’t like thinking about people being mean to you.”

“You don’t have to think about it,” Octavia’s quick to shake her head. “I can handle it.”

“I can’t help it,” Raven mutters, suddenly feeling too vulnerable. She blinks back tears.

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?” Octavia looks down to their hands, her bruised knuckles dark and bloody in contrast to Raven’s. “It’s not your battle to fight. It’s mine.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” 

Taken off guard by the sudden change in Raven’s voice, Octavia turns around slowly, confusion evident in her features. Their hands detach when she moves to face her, but Octavia quickly finds them again. “What?” she asks quietly, genuine concern in her words. Raven’s breath suddenly catches when she realizes the words on the tip of her tongue. Her jaw shakes and she looks away for a moment, forcing herself to take a deep breath.

“I love you, okay?” her words spill out, half frustration, half desperation. The minute their eyes meet and Raven realizes what she’s said, both girls tense up. Raven moves to pull her hands away, but Octavia grabs hold of them before she can. 

“What?” Octavia’s voice is barely a whisper. Raven’s eyes dart away from her own.

“Don’t make me say it again,” Raven’s voice wavers, suddenly terrified that she’s just made a mistake. Octavia pauses, hesitant. 

“Raven…” she shakes her head, giving in and reaching out to cup the girl’s cheek, making her face her. “You didn’t hear me.”

“What?” Raven shivers, Octavia’s thumb ghosting across her skin.

“I told you. The other night,” Octavia nods gently. “After your dad’s… but you were… you didn’t hear…” she shakes her head. “I hadn’t even planned on saying it.”

Raven stills, her eyes suddenly searching Octavia’s. “Saying what?”

Swallowing her fear, Octavia squeezes Raven’s hand gently. “That I love you,” she whispers. “That I love you and… and it fucking scares me.”

Raven’s heart does something weird in her chest and she suddenly feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes. “Scares me too,” she nods slowly, blinking back tears. “I-I’ve never…” she pauses to take a deep breath. “All my life... Love… It just...” she pushes back the sour memories. “It’s never been returned.”

Octavia’s eyebrows furrow together, empathy flickering in her eyes. “It is for me,” is all she can whisper before she pulls the girl into a hug, ignoring her soreness as Raven’s arms quickly wrap around her, fingertips clinging to her back as if she’s afraid to let go. Octavia just holds her even tighter.

“Please don’t be lying to me,” Raven whispers, her voice muffled against the girl’s shoulder. Octavia almost immediately shakes her head, feeling tears forming in her own eyes, a rare occurrence.

“Couldn’t if I tried,” she rests her chin on Raven’s shoulder and rubs circles in her back. “I love you,” she repeats herself for good measure, surprised at how simple and effortless the words seem coming out of her mouth. “I do.”

Pulling away from the hug, Raven brings her hands up to Octavia’s face, reveling in the intimacy of the moment, in their closeness. “I love you, too,” she nods softly, leaning in but hesitating when she remembers the girl’s busted lip. Instead, she presses a soft kiss to the corner of the girl’s mouth. Octavia’s hand cups Raven’s cheek to wipe the few tears that have fallen.

“I’m sorry,” Raven whispers, moving to wipe her own tears. “I’m don’t know why I’m so--,”

“It’s okay,” Octavia shakes her head. “A lot of things are shitty right now. But I can still love you when I’m hurt,” she traces her finger across Raven’s jawline, letting her hand drop back down to intertwine their fingers. “That’s one thing that doesn’t change, yeah?” She gives the girl a sad smile. “And maybe one day I’ll love you when we’re both happier than we’ve ever been.”

“I like hear you say it,” Raven admits, her voice still shaky. “I was scared you wouldn’t…”

“I was scared  _ you _ wouldn’t.”

Raven’s cheek flush red and she looks down. “Maybe we need to stop being so scared all the time.”

(When they fall asleep that night, Raven clings to Octavia more than ever before. Everything may be changing around them, and things may be hard, but Octavia’s there. And she loves her. And Raven’s found one thing that’s constant in the ever changing storm that she calls life. So she holds on, afraid that the wind will carry Octavia far away from her if she doesn’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was one of my favorite chapters to write and you can probably guess why, lmao. enjoy :) 
> 
> (i've been super active on my tumblr lately with headcanons and stuff for upcoming things i'm writing, so check it out if you wanna - txrches.tumblr.com)


	20. Chapter 20

Within a week’s time, Clarke, Raven, and Octavia are all officially high school graduates. They tease Lexa about it, knowing she has one more year to go. But however lighthearted they may appear, all three girls are terrified to be thrust into the real world. As much as they may hate high school, it’s still a shelter for them. However unprepared they may be, the real world is approaching faster than ever before.

Most of Octavia’s time has been spent working on her car, thanks to her suspension. It’s a bit difficult with a giant cast on her hand, but she’s determined to make their road trip go over without a hitch.

They’ve split their duties, Clarke and Lexa planning the route, and Raven and Octavia in charge of fixing the car and compiling a “bomb ass summer playlist” -- according to Raven, who’s somehow managed to rig up a speaker system in the car, tapping into the old radio.

Raven, also, has been avoiding an onslaught of phone calls to the house. But Indra had finally made her answer, which resulted in an awkward 5 minute conversation with her father. Long story short, she had no choice but to accept his invitation to attend an awards dinner for his business, along with the rest of his family. She’s not looking forward to it, to say the least.

The dinner just so happens to fall on the Friday they’d planned on leaving for their road trip. It’s also the day of their graduation ceremony, which they’re all happy to skip. Good riddance.

Currently, it’s Friday afternoon, and Raven’s a bundle of nerves. Clarke had helped her get ready for the dinner, pulling her aside, giving her a pep talk, and helping her braid her hair back into a more formal version of her usual ponytail. However, Raven draws the line when Clarke tries to get her in a dress, refusing to wear anything but her jeans. So she settles for a dark purple shirt that Clarke lends her. 

She finds Octavia outside, her feet sticking out from underneath her car. With a heavy sigh, Raven sits down in the driver’s seat, her the tips of her shoes just barely touching the asphalt. Octavia quickly slides out from underneath. 

“Nervous?” she asks, her eyes scanning Raven as she rises to her feet. “You look good.”

Raven just mutters a “thanks” and shakes her head. Octavia frowns. Compared to Raven, she’s dressed for anything  _ but _ a fancy dinner. She’s clad in jean shorts and a white t-shirt, a rag hanging out of her back pocket. Her shirt, hands, and face are covered in smudges of dark grease. Earlier, Lexa had teased her for looking like a dalmation. Her hair is down, but sections are still wavy from her braids. And of course, there’s still a faint purple mark around her eye.

“When’s he get here?” Octavia asks, leaning against the car and studying Raven’s face.

“Any minute now.”

“If it makes you feel any better, we leave as soon as you get back,” she nods softly. “Oh, and I found an air mattress in the basement. Figured that would help.”

“Do we even have any more room in the car?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

“We’ll make it fit,” Octavia shrugs, slapping her palm against the roof of the car. “Clarke can sit in Lexa’s lap or something.”

“What if I embarrass them?”

Octavia lifts her head, taken aback by Raven’s sudden question. Sighing, she looks around to make sure the coast is clear before leaning down and kissing Raven’s forehead. “Stop worrying. Just talk comics with Jonah.” She flashes the girl a hopeful smile.

Ten minutes pass, and Octavia winds up back under the car, tinkering with something and dramatically narrating what she’s doing, in hopes it will keep Raven’s mind off of things. When she hears the rumble of tires in the driveway, she moves to scoot out from underneath, but she’s stopped by Raven, who nudges her foot.

“Don’t,” Raven’s voice is hushed. She stands up. “I’ll see you tonight.”

However, before Raven can make her way to the car, the door opens, and the man slides out of the driver’s seat. Raven tenses.

“This yours?” he asks, nodding to the bright red car. Raven’s quick to shake her head.

“It’s another one of the girls’,” she says softly. He takes a few steps forward.

“Chrysler?”

“Newport.” Another voice appears as Octavia slides out from underneath, shooting Raven a look to silently assure her it’s okay. She stands up, tugging the rag out of her back pocket and wiping off her hands. “1967,” she nods. “Needs a new paint job, but she runs like a dream.”

Raven watches worriedly as the man studies Octavia, unsure if she should be relieved or terrified when he steps forward and extends his hand. Octavia doesn’t even flinch, though. She quickly shakes it. 

“Lance,” he nods, glancing back to Raven, but making no mention of their relation.

“Octavia,” she shoves the rag back in her pocket. To the side, she can see how visibly nervous Raven is. It’s killing her.

“After Octavia Butler?”

She shakes her head. “Octavia the younger. Sister of the first Roman emperor.”

“Ah, even better,” he laughs. Before he can say anything else, the car horn blares from behind them, startling all three. Octavia takes the opportunity to hurry over to Raven’s side, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“We’re gonna be late!” the blonde woman in the front seat leans out the window. Impulsively, Octavia pulls Raven into a “friendly” hug.

“Good luck,” she whispers as they pull away. All Raven can offer her is a nervous half smile, and Octavia watches as the car pulls out of the driveway. She’s never been religious, but she finds herself whispering a soft prayer under her breath, willing for Raven’s night to go well.

 

* * *

 

It’s dark by the time Raven returns home. And amidst all the chaos, Octavia’s the only one who can tell that something is wrong. Clarke and Lexa are running around, shoving the last of their things into the back of the car. But Octavia’s eyes are on Raven from the moment she walks in the front door. She starts to move towards her, but stops herself. Raven’s already storming up the stairs.

When Raven returns downstairs, dressed in something more comfortable, Octavia decides on keeping her distance. She hopes the road trip will be enough to get Raven’s mind off of things.

“And you’ve got everything you need?” Indra watches them lug the last of their things into the trunk. “You’ve got your medicine, Lexa?”

“Mhm,” Lexa reassures her, holding up her backpack. “Right here.”

“And you, Raven?”

All Indra earns in return is a curt nod and a grunt from the girl. But no one pays much attention, except for Octavia, who quietly slips back into the house when Raven does.

“You excited?” she asks, bending down to help the girl reach her keys that had fallen to the ground. Raven just meets Octavia’s eyes, shrugging softly.

“Talk later?” Octavia asks, looking to her in concern as they head back outside.

“Whatever,” Raven mutters, unable to look at the girl. Octavia’s left standing on the front porch, gazing longingly after Raven. But there’s not much time for her to dwell on this, because soon she’s in the driver’s seat, with Indra telling them to have fun at summer camp, and Clarke snickering in the backseat.

Lexa’s the navigator, seated in the passenger seat beside Octavia, a huge map folded out in front of her. 

“First stop, Lake Tahoe,” she nods, a smile tugging at her lips. Octavia glances in the rearview mirror, frowning when she sees Raven staring quietly out the window, slumped back in her seat. Octavia fights the urge to say something, knowing not to bring anything up until they’re alone.

Within an hour, everyone’s asleep except for Octavia. She’s taken a nap during the day, knowing that she would be driving through the night. She steals a glance at Raven, who’s half slumped against the window, fast asleep. She aches to know how the dinner went.

She’s driven for about two hours by the time Clarke wakes up. Rubbing her eyes, the blonde leans over to study the map in Lexa’s lap.

“Pull over,” she nudges Octavia’s shoulder. “My turn.”

“But I’m not even--,”

_ “I’ve got it.” _

Although she’s confused, Octavia doesn’t question the girl. She just pulls over, passing Clarke the keys and taking a moment to stretch her legs before she circles the car. As the engine roars to life once more, she slides into the backseat beside Raven. Noticing the girl’s brace is still on, incredibly tight, Octavia sighs and quietly moves to undo it. Pushing it aside, she neglects her seatbelt so she can lay down, curled up with her head resting in Raven’s lap.

She drifts in and out of sleep for a while, the ride rough and bumpy. She’s just dozed off for the millionth time when the car rolls to a stop. Confused, she lifts her head.

“Are we already there?” she raises an eyebrow, her voice raspy. But Clarke just yanks the keys from the ignition and shakes her head.

“Then why are we stopped?” Octavia rubs her eyes and leans forward to gaze out the window. “Where are we?”

“Stay here,” Clarke warns her. But just then, Lexa’s stirred awake by the commotion. She furrows her eyebrows, looking to Clarke. 

“Wha…?” she blinks a few times. “We’re here?” However, she answers her own question when she gazes forward, her eyes landing on the dim fluorescent sign of the dingy apartment complex. She whips her head to look at Clarke, wide eyes filled with worry.  _ “No.” _

Clarke glares at her, moving to get out of the car. Within seconds, Lexa’s scrambling out of her seat and circling the car, grabbing Clarke’s wrist before she can make it to the door. This stirs Raven awake, who looks to Octavia in confusion.

“What are you doing?” Lexa hisses, her grip on Clarke’s wrist tightening. “Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get into?”

But Clarke just glares at her, her decision already made. She yanks her arm from Lexa’s grip, storming off around the building. Lexa brings a hand to her forehead, exhaling slowly.

“Wild guess, but this wouldn’t happen to be where her family is, would it?” Raven turns to Lexa as soon as she plops back into her seat, defeated.

“This can’t end well,” Lexa huffs, leaning to rest her head against the dashboard. “This can’t end well at all.”

Octavia and Raven look to one another, unsure of what to say. But all their unspoken questions are answered when Clarke reemerges from around the building, holding the hand of a small girl -- her sister -- clad in a cream colored nightgown and clutching a stuffed rabbit to her chest. Clarke hurries over to the car, yanking open Octavia’s door.

“Make room,” she nods quickly. Octavia scoots over, squished up against Raven as Clarke ushers the smaller girl into the car, tossing a pink backpack onto the floor.

The car tires squeal as Clarke speeds out of the parking lot, eyes glued to the road.

Lexa glances to the backseat, where the small girl sits, wide eyed and hugging the stuffed bunny to her chest. Glancing to Clarke and sighing heavily, Lexa turns back to the girl.

“Don’t be scared,” she says softly, giving Clarke’s sister a reassuring smile. “It’s just a fun little vacation.”

Slowly, Delia’s eyes scan the car, studying the three other girls. She turns to Octavia. “What’s your name?”

“Octavia,” the dark haired girl says softly, glancing to Clarke, who refuses to look at her. 

_ “Octavia,” _ Delia repeats her, yawning and dragging out her name. Within ten minutes, she’s fast asleep, her legs curled up into her chest, tucked in her stretched out nightgown.

When Lexa looks back and notices she’s asleep, her demeanor finally changes. Her eyes dart to Clarke, and she quickly shakes her head. “What were you thinking?”

_ “Don’t,” _ Clarke deadpans, her eyes on the road. Octavia leans forward.

“Lexa’s right,” she nods. “You can’t just steal a kid.”

“She’s my  _ sister,” _ Clarke shakes her head. “You guys don’t understand.”

“She  _ does _ understand,” Raven speaks up in her defense. “She understands that you’re gonna get the cops called on our asses the moment your mom realizes she’s gone.”

“She won’t call the cops,” Clarke mutters. “I made that clear in the note I left.”

“Made  _ what  _ clear?”

“That if she calls the cops, I tell them how much of a shit mother she is,” Clarke rolls her eyes, curling and uncurling her fingers around the steering wheel. “Now, if you’d calm the fuck down, I’d like to give my sister a little break from the hellhole she’s been living in. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make her feel like a fugitive.” Her voice is stern. 

Octavia, Raven, and Lexa all exchange glances, taken aback by Clarke’s sudden shift in mood. Lexa just sighs, slumping back in her seat.

“You better know what you’re doing, Clarke.”

* * *

 

 

By the time they reach Lake Tahoe, the sun is just starting to rise.

“O,” Raven nudges the sleeping girl’s shoulder. “O, get up, we’re here.”

Blinking a few times, Octavia lifts her head, taking in her surroundings. She furrows her eyebrows. “Where are we?”

“Clarke tried a little off-roading,” Raven laughs, holding out her hand and helping Octavia out of the car. “She claims this is the best campsite this side of the lake,” she half smiles. “Come look.”

Octavia lets Raven lead her past Lexa and Clarke, setting up tents, and over to the clearing in the trees. Raven nudges her forward. “See?”

“Woah,” Octavia whispers, making Raven laugh. Her eyes quickly soak in the view of the lake, but then she’s turning back to Raven, her eyes concerned.

“Are you okay?” She asks quietly. “Last night you were… off.”

But Raven’s quick to shake her head. “It was fine. I just… don’t fit in with them.”

“You fit in with us,” Octavia looks to her hopefully, following her back over to the other girls. Raven rolls her eyes.

“I fit in with a gang of misfits,” she teases. “What an accomplishment.”

“Shut up,” Octavia laughs, nudging her shoulder. She’s instantly relieved to see Raven in a better mood than yesterday, now able to really enjoy their crazy vacation.

* * *

 

 

Throughout the course of the day, Octavia finds she’s completely forgotten about all of the things that had been weighing heavy on her mind during the past week. The same change is evident in all of the girls, especially Clarke, who’s at ease now that her sister is safe under her protection. 

Clarke and Lexa swim with Delia for most of the day while Octavia lays on the beach with Raven, stealing kisses when their backs are turned. Raven doesn’t mind that she isn’t able to go in the water, the sun warms her skin and Octavia makes good company.

After they’ve eaten, just as the sun starts to set, Octavia gets a fire going, and they all gather around it to keep warm. They talk and joke around for a while, but eventually it gets late, and Octavia and Raven are the only ones left by the fire, a knitted blanket draped around both of their shoulders.

“This is nice,” Raven says softly, snaking an arm around Octavia’s waist and pulling her closer now that they’re alone. Humming contently, Octavia lets her head rest on Raven’s shoulder.

“I wish we could just stay here forever,” Octavia sighs. Her eyes are fixed on the fire, watching tiny embers shoot up and disappear into the night sky. She leans into Raven’s side.

“You and me both, tiny,” Raven laughs softly, kissing the top of the girl’s head. “Too bad we just can’t run away.”

“If only,” Octavia nods, pausing for a moment. “Do you want to talk about last night?”

“The dinner?”

Octavia nods. Raven just sighs and throws a stick into the fire.

“There’s not much to talk about,” she shrugs. “I found out he owns some super successful computer company.”

“Boring,” Octavia mumbles, making Raven laugh.

“He seemed to like you,” Raven adds. Octavia raises her eyebrows.

“What’s that mean? That I’ve got his approval?” she teases.

“We don’t need his approval,” Raven shakes her head. “Plus, god knows how he’d react.”

“React to what?”

Raven shrugs. “Us,” she motions between them, but Octavia still feigns cluelessness.

“What about us?”

Raven looks to her. “That we’re… you know…  _ together?” _

“Like best friends?” Octavia teases, making Raven roll her eyes when she realizes what the girl is doing.

“Funny,” Raven pushes the girl’s shoulder with her own. But Octavia pauses, her eyes scanning Raven’s face.

“Wait, really,” she shakes her head. “What  _ are _ we?”

Taken aback, Raven turns to look at Octavia, her eyebrows stitching together. “We’re just…” she gestures, struggling to find a word. “Together.”

“LIke boyfriend girlfriend?”

Raven can’t help but laugh. “We’re both girls, O.”

Octavia’s face drops for a moment. “We’re both  _ girls _ ,” she repeats Raven’s words, as if she’s just now realizing this for the first time. Raven’s eyes quickly scan her face.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Octavia shakes her head quickly. “I just… It just…”

“It scares you?” Raven asks softly. Octavia nods, swallowing.

“It scares me,” she confirms, looking back to Raven. “Is that bad?”

Raven shakes her head. “Scares me, too.”

“I never really thought about it,” Octavia admits. “I don’t… when I’m with you, I don’t stop to remind myself that you’re a girl too.”

“Neither do I,” Raven purses her lips. “I don’t know why it scares me, either. I didn’t have a crazy dad like Clarke’s, I didn’t…” she pauses. “I think it’s just because it’s different from what’s ‘normal.’”

“Girls being with girls?”

Raven nods. “It’s still foreign ground. For both of us.”

“It’s stupid,” Octavia mumbles, kicking a pebble towards the fire. “Why does it even matter? I don’t love you  _ because you’re a girl. _ I love you because you’re you. Doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a guy.”

“So you’re bi?”

“No,” Octavia shakes her head. “I’m just not stupid enough to let something that small dictate who I should and shouldn’t love.” She chucks a handful of pine needles into the fire. “Fuck putting people in boxes.”

Raven laughs softly, knowing how much Octavia hates being restrained. She pulls her closer, resting her chin atop her head. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

“Am I cute because I’m a girl?” Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“You’re cute because I love you, idiot.”

“Do you  _ love _ me because I’m a girl?”

“I love you because you’re you, Octavia.”

“There we go,” Octavia smiles. “Problem solved. Now we don’t have to be scared anymore.”

“If only it were that easy,” Raven sighs. Octavia squeezes her hand.

“Someday we’ll have it all figured out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awh, look at the lil children finally addressing their sexuality. that was a fun section to write. 
> 
> oh, also! i'm publishing this book just like i've done with yellow, ect. (just cause it proves to my parents that i can do something with my writing) - names are gonna be changed and all, but i also wrote this fic with the intention of having the characters stand on their own, OC or not, so i'm super pumped for this. the world needs more LGBT literature. 
> 
> as always - my tumblr is txrches - you can reach me there for whatever reason. have a great day :)


	21. Chapter 21

Octavia eventually falls asleep, only stirred awake when she feels the car slow to a stop.

“My turn?” she asks, rubbing her eyes. But Clarke just keeps her hands on the wheel.

“We’ve got a problem.”

“What’s going on?” Raven wakes, the warmth of Octavia’s body no longer next to her.

“I don’t know what happened,” Clarke shakes her head. “It said we had half a tank left but then the engine started vibrating. I literally saw the needle drop straight to E,” she points to the gas gauge.

“So what’s that mean?” Raven lifts her head.

“That we’re out of gas,” Octavia nods, earning an eyeroll from Raven. 

“I know that, idiot,” Raven nudges her. “I mean, what do we do  _ now _ ?”

“We walk,” Clarke sighs, leaning over to shake Lexa awake. “There’s got to be a gas station somewhere.” Octavia’s eyes quickly dart to Raven, but the girl is already halfway out the car.

“Then let’s hurry up,” Raven nods, avoiding Octavia’s questioning gaze.

And that’s how they end up trekking down the side of a dusty desert highway, with only the last few rays of sun to light the way. Delia skips ahead, excited at the prospect of an adventure. Octavia, however, sticks back with Raven. It doesn’t take much to tell that the girl’s in pain. But she knows better than to bring it up.

After an hour, Octavia’s relieved when they  _ finally _ reach some sort of civilization. There’s dim, dusky neon signs in the distance and everyone seems to pick up the pace. Octavia hurries over to Clarke, grabbing her arm.

“There’s a motel across the street,” Octavia keeps her voice hushed. “There’s no way I’m letting Raven walk another hour back to the car.”

“Fine with me,” Clarke nods, not putting up a fight like Octavia had expected. “I’m exhausted, anyway. I’ll take Lexa with me in the morning and we’ll bring the car back here.”

When Octavia tells Raven this, she doesn’t miss how relieved she is. And so, they find themselves crossing the street towards a run-down motel. A few of the outdoor rooms sport the blue flickering glow of a television through the windows. Octavia’s pleasantly surprised when they end up purchasing two rooms across from one another. It’s no question who’s rooming with who.

“This place is prehistoric,” Raven notes, coughing and shaking out the curtains in their small room. Octavia just nods in agreement, tinkering with the lock on the door. Raven sits down on the bed.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

Octavia lifts her head, raising a questioning eyebrow. “Do what?”

“Make us stay here,” Raven leans down, undoing her brace with skilled hands. She’s done this so many times that it’s practically muscle memory by now.

“I…” Octavia opens her mouth to argue but struggles to find her words. But Raven just shrugs. 

“Can’t say I’m not thankful,” she sighs. Octavia bites her lip, sitting down carefully beside the girl. 

“That bad?” Her voice is quiet.

Raven nods. “More than usual.”

“Here,” Octavia digs through Raven’s bag and tosses her a change of clothes. “This good?”

“Yeah,” Raven gives her a sad smile. “Thanks.”

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Octavia gestures to the bathroom. “Yell if you need anything.”

However, the peace and quiet is interrupted only minutes later when an ear piercing scream echoes from the bathroom and Octavia comes scrambling out, clutching a t-shirt to her chest and kicking the door shut with her foot. Raven sits up quickly.

“What’s going on?”

Catching her breath, Octavia tugs the t-shirt over her head, leaping from her spot on the floor and onto the bed, which creaks an unhealthy amount. “Either that was a normal sized mouse or an  _ abnormally _ big spider,” she whispers, shaking her head.

Raven stifles a laugh, raising an eyebrow at the girl. “What happened to the shower?”

“It can wait,” Octavia’s quick to change her plans. “I’d rather  _ not _ have company.”

“Wow,” Raven teases. “I never thought I’d see the day when rough and tumble Octavia Blake gets taken down by a tiny little spider.”

“More like a  _ dog sized _ spider,” Octavia shakes her head. “I am not risking my life in there.”

“Are you sure this is the same girl who got yelled at by the lifeguard for taking her board too far out during the biggest waves of the day?”

_ “That _ was worth it,” Octavia concludes, falling onto her back and gazing up at the ceiling. “Mouthful of sand and everything.”

“I don’t understand you sometimes,” Raven laughs, scooting back on the bed. Octavia frowns.

“You’re gonna sleep in jeans?” she asks carefully. All she gets in return is a one-shouldered shrug.

“You can’t get them off, can you?” Octavia looks to her. Raven shrinks under her gaze. But Octavia’s eyes are soft, gentle, and Raven can’t find an ounce of dishonesty in them. She shrugs again.

Sighing, Octavia stands up and extends a hand to Raven, who just stares at it in confusion. 

“Come on,” Octavia nods. “I’ll help you.”

Raven feels like a helpless little kid, but she knows, deep down, that she won’t be able to do it on her own. So hesitantly, she takes Octavia’s hand. 

It takes a bit of trial and error, but after a few minutes, Raven’s changed into a pair of plaid sleep shorts and is laying on the bed, paging through a book she’d brought along. 

“What’s happening now?” Octavia glances to her through the mirror on the door, where she stands braiding her hair. “Did they kill the bad guy yet?”

“He’s not a bad guy,” Raven shakes her head. “His character is a representation of the welfare system in America.”

Octavia furrows her eyebrows together. “I don’t get it.”

Raven sighs. “No, they haven’t killed him yet.” She’s startled when Octavia flings herself on the bed beside her.

“You almost done that chapter?” Octavia looks to her hopefully, but Raven doesn’t notice, her nose is still buried in the book.

“Three more pages,” she nods. Octavia frowns. 

“How much longer?”

Raven finally lifts her head. “What are you--?”

“Shh,” Octavia whispers, catching Raven off guard when she pushes the book down, out of Raven’s gaze, and leans in to catch the girl’s lips with her own. Raven’s breath hitches in her throat and she scrambles to mark her page, tossing the book aside as Octavia climbs on top of her.

“This okay?” Octavia asks, catching her breath. With wide eyes, Raven looks up to her, nodding softly.

Octavia laughs breathily, her eyes skittering down to meet Raven’s once more. This time, Raven’s prepared when she kisses her again, and her arms wrap around Octavia’s shoulders, fingers coming up to play with the baby hairs at the back of the girl’s neck. Raven giggles into the kiss when she feels Octavia shiver.

“Rude,” Octavia teases when the kiss breaks, playfully dodging Raven’s advances when she tries to kiss her again. Raven whines, letting her head fall back against the pillow.

“Need something?” Octavia smirks, her face impossibly close to Raven’s. The girl underneath her manages to keep a straight face, until Octavia starts trailing her lips up her jawline, which is when Raven loses the battle of wills and balls her hand in Octavia’s shirt, tugging her into a kiss, to which Octavia doesn’t argue. 

“I love you,” Octavia mumbles against her lips. She tilts her head, their noses brushing together, before her kisses begin to slow down. Her fingers ghost across Raven’s sides, which Raven doesn’t think much of, until she feels those same fingers begin to toy with the hem of her shirt. Something instinctual takes over in that moment, and Octavia nearly gets the wind knocked of her when both of Raven’s hands fly up to her chest, separating them. 

All Raven can do is shake her head, and Octavia immediately pulls her hands away from the girl, sitting up on her knees. Her light eyes search Raven’s questioningly. 

“No,” Raven breathes out. Octavia’s confusion is replaced with fear, and there’s a look of hurt that flashes across her face, but she’s quickly moving from atop Raven, creating a safe amount of space between them. Catching her breath, Octavia’s wide eyes look to Raven for answers.

“That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?” Raven’s voice shake, her pupils huge. “Right?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re--,”

“You’re supposed to say no,” Raven shakes her head. “If you don’t want it, you say no, right? So then when you’re in the courtroom they won’t think you’re just overreacting and then--,”

_ “Raven,” _ Octavia cuts off Raven’s nervous rambling, her voice grounding the girl. Raven’s mouth hangs open for a few seconds before she clamps it shut. It takes all of Octavia’s restraint to keep her from moving towards the girl. But she keeps her distance, knowing they’ve both entered foreign territory. Part of Octavia understands, though, and she sits down slowly. 

“Raven… I would never--,”

“I’m sorry,” Raven sits up quickly, shaking her head as if she’s just awoken from some sort of trance. “It’s not you, I just… I just--,”

“Hey,” Octavia shakes her head. “Breathe.”

Inhaling slowly, Raven hesitates to meet Octavia’s eyes. There’s a long pause of silence before she speaks again.

“I can’t,” Raven swallows hard. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m not… It’s too…”

“Raven,” Octavia starts to move forward but freezes. Her eyes dart to Raven, a silent question, and when she’s met with no resistance she quickly finds the girl’s hand and cups it between her own. “Don’t apologize.”

“But you--,”

“I shouldn’t have,” Octavia shakes her head. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I’m sorry.”

Octavia holds up her hands as if she’s surrendering. “I’m not mad.”

“I’m just not used to…”

“I know,” Octavia whispers gently, moving to lay down beside the girl. “Then now isn’t the right time,” she shrugs. “No big deal.” 

“You’re not mad?”

“Of course not,” Octavia looks to her in disbelief. “I would never even  _ think _ about…  _ you know.” _

“I don’t deserve you,” Raven mumbles, shaking her head. Within seconds, Octavia is sitting up, confused.

“Are you kidding me?” Her eyes search Raven’s. “Raven… I’m not a luxury item,” she shakes her head, squeezing the girl’s hand. “I’m just a decent human being,” she laughs softly. “You deserve all that and more. You deserve the world.”

Raven thinks about her words for a few moment before shaking her head. “I don’t want the world,” she whispers. “I’m fine here with just you and me in this shitty hotel room.” She gives the girl a soft smile, tugging on Octavia’s hand. Octavia immediately pulls her closer, resting her head on her shoulder. 

“Just you, me, and the giant spider rat,” Octavia mumbles, making Raven laugh. Octavia lifts her head, studying the girl’s face for a few moments. “I’m serious though, Raven. I’m not as great as you think I am.”

“Eh, you know, maybe you’re right,” Raven teases. “You kinda suck.”

Octavia knows Raven’s changing the subject, well aware that she can only handle so much seriousness for one day. So she just mumbles a “very funny” and curls up against Raven’s side, absentmindedly playing with the girl’s fingers.

“Octavia?”

“Hm?”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

 

* * *

 

When Octavia’s awoken, she assumes it’s time to get back on the road. But, confusion washes over her when she realizes the room is still pitch black, and the digital clock beside the bed blinks 2:42.

“You awake?” Raven’s voice is quiet, her hand on the girl’s shoulder. Octavia rolls over to face her. 

“I am now.”

Raven hesitates. “I need to tell you something.”

“Right now?”

‘I-I…”

Octavia sits up, suddenly concerned. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t freak out,” Raven grabs Octavia’s arm, knowing that if Octavia makes a big deal out of it, she won’t be able to avoid it either. “It’s about the dinner.”

“With your dad?”

Raven nods.

“I  _ knew _ something happened,” Octavia clenches her jaw. Raven tenses, hesitating for a few moments. The words are on the tip of her tongue. She takes a deep breath.

“My dad…” she nods slowly. “He wants to pay for my college.”

Octavia’s eyes widen almost immediately. “Really?”

“Really. He talked to me about it before--,”

She’s cut off when Octavia wraps her in a tight hug, catching her off guard. “That’s amazing, Raven,” the girl smiles widely. “That’s like… your  _ dream _ .”

But Raven’s quick to pull away from the hug, shaking her head. “You don’t get it, Octavia,” she places both hands on the girl’s shoulders.  _ “Going to school  _ is my dream. Taking someone else’s pity money isn’t.”

Confused, Octavia cocks her head to the side, eyebrows stitching together. She gives herself a moment to think. “So it’s a pride thing.”

“What?”

“You won’t accept his help because you’re too scared to admit you need it,” Octavia says carefully.

“I…” Raven hesitates. “I can’t do it. I can’t owe him anything.”

“But it’s your dream…” Octavia’s eyes search hers.

_ “I know,” _ Raven’s voice turns sharp. “I know it is. But… I just…”

“You’re scared,” Octavia notes. Raven sighs in defeat. 

“I’m scared,” she admits, feeling Octavia’s hand find hers under the blankets. “Why would he want to do that in the first place? What does he want from me?”

Octavia shrugs softly. “Maybe he’s doing it out of the kindness of his heart, maybe he’s doing it to try and ease his guilt.” She squeezes Raven’s hand. “Either way, Raven, this is a huge opportunity. And from what you’ve told me, I don’t think this will make a significant dent in his bank account.” Octavia pauses, noticing the conflicted look on Raven’s face. Her voice turns to a soft whisper. “Maybe it’s time for you to be selfish for once.”

“But what if…”

“Don’t start imagining what could go wrong, Raven,” Octavia shakes her head. “If he ever starts to use it against you, you stop taking his money and figure another way around it. You always do.”

With a deep breath, Raven runs her thumb over the back of Octavia’s hand, a silent reassurance. “I’ll think about it,” she nods once.

“That’s all I ask,” Octavia whispers, relaxing back down into the bed beside Raven. “I know how much it means to you.”

Raven just nods softly, her thoughts racing. “I don’t want to go back home,” she admits. “I don’t want reality anymore.”

“This week  _ was _ nice, wasn’t it?” Octavia hums softly. “Let’s just stay here forever.”

Raven can’t help but laugh quietly, a sound Octavia never grows tired of. She pulls Octavia closer, letting the girl settle into her side.

“You turn 18 soon,” Octavia whispers hesitantly. It’s something they’re both been trying to avoid, pushing it to the back of their minds, in hopes that it won’t happen at all. But they both know well enough that Raven’s birthday is approaching faster than ever. It bothers Octavia more than she’s letting on.

“Are you counting down the days?” Raven teases, but her expression softens when Octavia just shrugs.

“What happens then?” Octavia looks to her anxiously. “Where will you go?”

“Not far,” Raven shakes her head. “Me and Clarke have been looking at places right outside the city. So you and Lexa can come visit whenever you like.”

“But Clarke isn’t 18 yet.”

“She will be,” Raven nods. “Her birthday’s a little over a month after mine.”

“So you’ll be by yourself in an apartment for that long.”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “Are you worried about me?”

All she gets in return is a soft shrug from Octavia. “That’s a big change.”

“I’ve handled my share of big changes,” Raven reassures her, kissing the girl’s forehead. “At least I have control over this one.”

“But you’re not scared?” Octavia looks up to her.

“Terrified,” Raven laughs. “But excited, too.”

“But what about me and Lexa? You’re leaving us behind,” Octavia pouts, teasingly. 

“I’m sure Indra will bring in new people,” Raven nods. “But you’ll be 18 soon, too. And then you can hightail it out of the system.”

“And then what?”

“That’s up to you, tiny.”

“I’ll be able to see my brother again,” Octavia notes. Raven quirks an eyebrow.

“You don’t sound too excited.”

“I am,” Octavia shakes her head. “I just… I’m scared. I don’t want him thinking we can just run off and relocate again.”

“He would do that?”

Octavia gives her a soft nod. “But I like it here. I like California.”

“I like you here, too,” Raven half smiles. “Now quit worrying. We’ve got time.”

“Not much,” Octavia mumbles. But Raven just shakes her head.

“We’ve got tonight,” she squeezes Octavia’s hand. “One step at a time.”

 

* * *

 

Early the next morning, even before the sun’s fully risen, the girls pile back into the car, making the final stretch home. Octavia’s driving, making Raven pass her up apple slices as she does so.

It’s a teary goodbye for Delia, who refuses to let go of Clarke until their mother appears to pull her away. A heated conversation ensues between Clarke and her mother, but she refuses to talk about it once she storms back over to the car, simply ordering Octavia to “get us home.”

And by the time they get home, they’ve agreed on a story of how their week at “summer camp” went -- giving Indra no reason to suspect that they were anywhere else.

That night, when Octavia tiptoes into Raven’s room and crawls into bed beside her, she assumes the girl is already asleep. Which is why she’s startled when, as she’s slipping under the blankets, Raven’s voice appears.

“I think I’m gonna do it.”

Octavia jumps, lifting her head. “Huh?”

“I called my dad,” Raven whispers. “I think I’m gonna do it.”

“College?”

Raven nods. “On a few conditions,” she adds. “He lets me pay as much as I can, and he promises to never use it against me.”

“Fair enough,” Octavia nods, smiling softly. “Are you excited?” 

Judging by the smile that Raven fails to fight back, she’s more than excited. Octavia just leans down to kiss her, whispering her own excitement against the girl’s lips.


	22. Chapter 22

Summer seems to be flying by. Raven and Clarke have been wrapped up in apartment hunting. Octavia’s become Raven’s personal chauffeur, taking her to college visits multiple times a week. She doesn’t mind, though. It’s worth being able to see the light in Raven’s eyes when she rambles on about her own excitement. 

Octavia even tags along on a few, feeling wide eyed and out of place in the expansive lecture halls, surrounded by kids her age who know exactly what they want to do with their lives. It’s a bit unsettling. While she sits next to Raven, who goes on and on about all the majors that interest her, Octavia can’t help but think of herself. What will she do? Even if she had all the money in the world, she’s not sure if college is for her. It comes easy to Raven -- she’s smart. But Octavia doesn’t thrive in a classroom. While Raven reads books, Octavia hangs upside down and carves trees and vines into the bed posts. While Raven watches long documentaries that Lexa fishes out of thrift store boxes, Octavia’s outside, trying to replace the headlights on her car with blue light bulbs. And while Raven lights up at the idea of going to school, Octavia shrinks at the mere mention of a classroom. 

Raven tries to talk to her about it, even offering to help her find scholarships, going as far as to leave brochures on Octavia’s nightstand. But every time, Octavia changes the subject. That’s how she deals with things -- she avoids them at all costs. She goes as far as to snap at Raven, saying how  _ she _ doesn’t have someone to pay the bills for her. Raven doesn’t take it personally, but after that incident she does her best to avoid the topic. 

All the pent up worry and frustration about her own future is what eventually pushes Octavia to agree to accompany Lexa for three weeks, working as a camp counselor in Nevada. The pay’s fine, and she figures three weeks will be enough time to clear her head and keep herself busy. Raven’s surprised when Octavia presents her with the news, but Octavia passes it off as Lexa  _ begged _ her to go, because Indra wouldn’t allow her to go alone. 

But there’s a catch -- the camp starts the day after Raven’s birthday, meaning the latest Octavia and Lexa can leave is 3am the morning after. Raven’s not too excited at the prospect of them being separated for three weeks, but Octavia promises to write as often as possible. But for the time being, they try not to focus on it. 

So, in the long weeks of summer leading up to their departure, Lexa and Octavia team up. While Raven and Clarke begin the final stretch in hunting for apartments, Lexa and Octavia huddle together in Lexa’s room, planning Raven’s 18th birthday. The girl  _ may _ have let it slip at dinner that she’d never had a real birthday party, and Lexa and Octavia had immediately exchanged knowing looks from across the table. 

(Later that night, when Octavia brought it up, Raven had admitted to never even knowing when her real birthday was until she was 14. Octavia burns July 2nd into her brain, promising to never forget it.)

So now, with only a week left until Raven turns 18, things start to pick up. Raven and Clarke finally decide on an apartment, a small 2 bedroom space just outside the city. All four girls drive out to see it, with Octavia and Clarke lugging two sets of thrift store furniture up the stairwell. They all order pizza that night, sitting on the floor and planning the perfect future before they head back to the home. 

Around that same time, Raven’s invited over to her father’s once more. He wants to throw her an early birthday party. She’s hesitant at first, not one to enjoy large gatherings focused on her, but when he proposes a small dinner at his house -- just the family -- she accepts. She’s surprised when he goes out of his way to ask her for her favorite meal, and whether she prefers chocolate or vanilla cake. She opts for red velvet, feeling uneasy when he chuckles and reveals that it’s his favorite, too.

Octavia offers to drive her there, to Raven’s relief. She’d much rather avoid the awkward car conversations with her father. When they pull into the driveway, Octavia makes sure they’re not being watched before tucking Raven’s hair behind her ear and kissing her for good luck. 

When Raven steps into a house, lugging a heavy box with her, the twins are the first to run up to her. 

“Is that for us?” Eliana asks, trying to reach for the box. Raven, still struggling to tell the two sisters apart, moves it away from their reach.

“It’s for Jonah,” she explains, resulting in pouts from both of the girls. However, when Jonah comes forward and Raven sets the box down, revealing her old comic book collection, they quickly lose interest. Jonah, on the other hand, sits on the floor with Raven and digs through the box curiously. 

“You know,” he looks up once it’s just them in the foyer, waiting to be called in for dinner. “I read once about a lady with a knee brace who got stranded in the wilderness and survived.”

Raven raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jonah nods, pulling out another comic book and paging through it. “So, you’ve got an even better chance of surviving on a deserted island” He leans forward to study her brace, and Raven tenses, but he just nods in approval. “You could totally sharpen that into a weapon.”

And to her own surprise, she laughs. Jonah talks of her injury to nonchalantly, making Raven feel more at ease. 

Eventually, they’re called into the dining room for dinner -- Pizza, upon Raven’s request. She figured it was something everyone would eat. Table conversation actually isn’t as awkward as last time, she realizes, mostly because Jonah talks animately about the comic books she’d brought. 

Her father inquires about her college search, but his stern glare tells her that his involvement is a secret. So Raven answers vaguely, relieved when one of the twins starts babbling on about what she wants for  _ her _ birthday. 

When the cake is brought out -- Red Velvet with white icing -- Raven sinks down into her seat. They sing her happy birthday, which is the most embarrassing thirty seconds of her night. She doesn’t miss the bitter looks Julienne sends her way.

Raven’s relieved when the night comes to a close. It could’ve gone worse, she figures. As she sits on the porch waiting for Octavia to show up, she hears the creak of the door behind her. She looks up just as the man sits down beside her. 

“I know you requested no presents, but this is an exception,” he clears his throat. With a raised eyebrow, Raven watches as he holds up his hand, uncurling his fingers and letting a necklace dangle down. 

“It was your mother’s,” he explains, his words pushing Raven forward to take it into her own hands. She runs her fingers over the chain, studying the ruby red ring fashioned around it. 

“I found it in my jacket pocket a few weeks after we… you know,” he clears his throat awkwardly. “I tried to return it but she refused to see me. I guess I held onto it because it seemed important. There’s initials on the inside.”

Picking up the ring, Raven studies the intricate carving.  _ RJR _ . Blurry memories of gray hair, herb gardens, and the smell of homemade bread flash through her mind. She shivers.

“Ramona Jane,” she says softly. “My mother’s mother.” Raven pauses, remembering things she’d thought she’d forgotten. “I lived at her house one summer when I was really little and my mom couldn’t take care of me.”

She surprises even herself with the information she’s disclosing. Her eyes remain on the necklace, her fingers curling around the ring -- the only remaining link she has left of those who came before her. A lump forms in her throat. 

Unsure of how to handle her quietness, her father changes the subject. He clears his throat and rubs his hands together. “Do you remember that intern I introduced you to at the awards dinner? David?”

Raven shrugs. “I think so.”

“He mentioned you the other day,” her father continues. “He’s a really nice kid. Got into college on an academic scholarship and everything.”

Raven suddenly realizes the direction this conversation is going, and she slips the necklace into her pocket. “I’m sure he’s great,” she says softly. 

“He comes by the house every Monday as part of his training,” he notes, his voice suggestive. “I could invite him to stay for dinner one night.”

But Raven just shakes her head. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not… looking for anyone.” She can’t help but mumble a quiet  _ “I’m taken” _ under her breath, which he hears. 

“Oh,” he’s quick to apologize. “I didn’t realize there was already someone.” There’s a long pause of silence. “What’s his name?”

“I…” Raven struggles to form a coherent sentence. She’s cut off, however, by the slamming of a car door followed by rushed footsteps.

“Are you okay?” Octavia skids to a stop in front of them, her eyes searching Raven’s in concern. “I just -- saw you sitting down and thought…” she motions with her hand. “Your leg?”

Raven’s quick to shake her head. “S’fine.” She doesn’t miss the look on her father’s face when Octavia holds out her hand, offering to help Raven to her feet with a shy smile. Raven doesn’t look to him, but she places her hand in Octavia’s and allows the girl to pull her up.

“Good timing,” Raven whispers under her breath as her father stands to his feet. Octavia looks to her questioningly, but Raven gives her a slight shake of the head. 

“Thanks for the dinner,” Raven paints on a forced smile, exchanging rushed goodbyes before tugging a confused Octavia back to the car.

“What was that?” Octavia asks as she slides into the driver’s seat. But Raven doesn’t answer, her eyes fixed on the house. A few tense seconds pass between them, but as soon as the front door closes and the porch light flickers off, Raven practically deflates like a balloon. Exhaling heavily, she fishes something out of her pocket.

“He gave me this,” he voice is shaky, barely a whisper. Octavia slowly holds out her hand, palm turned upward, allowing Raven to press the cold metal into her fist. Hesitantly, Octavia holds up the necklace to study it.

“It was my mom’s,” Raven swallows the lump in her throat. “That was her mother’s ring.”

Octavia doesn’t say anything, she just nods softly, knowing well enough the meaning of the things left behind by those who are no longer there. She twirls it around, the ruby sparkling read in the dim light. 

Then, without any words, she leans over, her fingers gently brushing Raven’s hair to one side. She can feel the girl hold her breath as she carefully clasps the necklace around her neck, the ring cold against her bare skin. Once she’s finished, she presses a kiss to Raven’s temple and starts the car. As she reaches over to lace their fingers together, she feels Raven squeeze her hand, understanding how sometimes pure silence can be the best company.

(The only words uttered on the drive home is a quiet “I love you,” whispered by Octavia when she glances over to find Raven watching her, tears glimmering in her eyes.)

 

* * *

 

That night, when Octavia rolls over to face Raven, she finds the girl already asleep, one hand around her, and the other clutching the ring on her necklace, holding it tightly in her fist. A soft smile spreads across Octavia’s face, and she can’t resist leaning in to kiss the girl’s forehead before wiggling out of her grip and tiptoeing down the hallway.

“Look at this,” Lexa holds up the laptop as soon as Octavia appears downstairs. The girl hops over the back of the couch, landing next to Lexa and studying the recipe she’s found. 

“That makes enough for 24 people, it says,” Octavia taps the screen. “There’s only four of us. Plus Indra.”

Frowning, Lexa continues scrolling. Octavia leans over her shoulder, occasionally telling her to bookmark a certain page.

“What about presents?” Lexa speaks up, raising an eyebrow. Octavia’s quick to shake her head. 

“She’s already gonna kill us for throwing a party,” Octavia explains, glancing to the stairs. “We’ll be dead twice over if we get her presents,” she laughs under her breath.

“Then the food better be extra good,” Lexa nods.

“Clarke’s making her homemade guacamole,” Octavia reminds her. “And I was thinking we could convince Indra to make that legendary strawberry shortcake you guys always rave about.”

Lexa’s eyes widen and she nods in excitement. “Yes, good idea,” she grins, leaning forward to jot something down on her notepad. “The last time Indra made that was when--,” she cuts herself off, shaking her head and turning her attention back to her laptop.

Octavia raises an eyebrow. “When what?”

Lexa looks away. “When Raven… she…”

Now concerned, Octavia nudges Lexa’s shoulder. “What?”

“Indra made it when she came home from the hospital.”

Octavia’s heart does something unexplainable in her chest and she sits up quickly. “What are you talking about?”

Confused, Lexa tilts her head to the side. “She didn’t tell you?”

Octavia shakes her head.

“Then I don’t know if I should--,” 

_ “Lexa.” _

“It was just this weird… leg thing. Some infection,” Lexa shakes her head, intimidated by the tone in Octavia’s voice. “Indra sat us all in a circle one day and told us she might not make it.”

Octavia frowns. “What…?”

“They wanted to take off her leg,” Lexa adds. “They thought it would help. But Raven wouldn’t let any doctors near her. Then she slept for 3 days -- that’s when Indra talked to us.”

“That bad?”

Lexa nods slowly. “She had all these tubes in her,” she holds up both arms, pointing to her veins. “But then she woke up cause’ the medicine started working and she got to come home a week later. And Indra made the cake to celebrate.”

Octavia just stays quiet, taking it all in. She breathes out slowly. 

“It was actually kinda funny,” Lexa adds. “Indra says when a pastor came into the hospital room, she threw a spoon at him and threatened to send him to heaven early,” she giggles softly. 

But Octavia doesn’t laugh, she just wrings out her hands nervously. Then, she quickly finds an excuse to disappear upstairs, leaving a confused Lexa in her wake. 

She climbs into Raven’s bed, squeezing into the space between the girl and the wall. Unable to help herself, she pulls the girl closer, holding onto her and pressing her forehead against her back. She doesn’t mean to wake her, but when Raven stirs, Octavia just holds tighter to the girl.

“O?” Raven’s voice is groggy, confused.

“You’re too stubborn,” Octavia mumbles against her back. It takes Raven a few long moments to process this. When she realizes, she sighs.

“Lexa told you, didn’t she?” Raven asks, knowing it was only just a matter of time. Lexa can’t get enough of the spoon story.

“You could’ve died,” Octavia whispers, indirectly answering her question. Sighing heavily, Raven rolls to her side so she’s facing the girl, who looks at her with concern flickering in her eyes.

“But I didn’t,” Raven shakes her head. “I’m right here.”

One of Octavia’s hands moves up to cup Raven’s cheek, as if she needs confirmation of her words. The girl squeezes her eyes shit. “You could’ve died,” she repeats herself. 

“Octavia…” Raven’s suddenly hit with a wave of guilt. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“It could’ve been,” Octavia mutters. “You could’ve died just because you’re so damn stubborn.”

Raven sighs. “The only thing that mattered to me at the time was keeping my leg,” she admits. “I didn’t care if I died, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to let them take my leg.”

“So fucking stubborn,” Octavia mumbles under her breath. “I don’t care if they cut off both your legs. I just want you alive.”

“Then I’d be useless.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Octavia lifts her head, startling Raven. “You? Useless? Never.”

“Funny.”

“I’m serious,” Octavia glares at her. “Everything you need is up here,” she taps the side of Raven’s head. “You’re anything but useless.”

“I admire your optimism,” Raven sighs, resulting in a frown from Octavia, who notices the way Raven toys nervously with the ring on her necklace, dragging it back and forth across the chain.

“You’re thinking about something else,” Octavia notes. Raven simply shrugs. 

“More like thinking about  _ everything _ at once.”

Furrowing her eyebrows together, Octavia pushes Raven’s hair out of her face. “Talk?”

Raven half shrugs. “It’s late.”

“Sleep?”

Yawning, Raven nods softly. “Just lay with me.”

“Will do,” Octavia offers her a soft smile, settling back down in the space beside Raven. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Raven whispers, the words falling from her lips so effortlessly. And although things may not be perfect, she feels a hell of a lot safer with Octavia next to her, her arms holding to her tightly. 

* * *

 

 

“Sepsis,” Lexa clears her throat, cracking open an encyclopedia at breakfast the next morning. Octavia’s homemade waffles had somehow managed to rouse Clarke from bed before noon, a near impossible feat. All four girls sit at the kitchen table.

“Can we please not do this?” Raven mutters, hanging her head down. But Lexa’s already tapping her finger against a large paragraph. 

_ “Sepsis is an extreme immune system response to an infection that has spread throughout the blood and tissues. Severe causes of sepsis often cause extremely low blood pressure, which limits blood flow to the body and can result in organ failure or death,” _ Lexa reads aloud, nodding once when she’s done. 

“Yep, that’s it,” Clarke swallows her food, pointing to Lexa with her fork. “That’s the one.”

Octavia, still confused, looks back and forth between the girls. Her eyes settle on Raven, though, who avoids her gaze.

“I don’t even remember much of it,” Raven mumbles, shrugging as she skates her food around on her plate.

“I do,” Clarke nods, oblivious to the glare that Raven sends her way. “They had her doped up on all sorts of drugs. Lexa was afraid of her,” she shakes her head before turning to Octavia. “She’s downplaying it. It was scary as fuck.”

Lexa nudges Clarke’s arm with her elbow. “Tell her what Anya did.”

Laughing, Clarke nods. “One of the old girls that used to live here wrote threats on Raven’s leg with a sharpie so they wouldn’t cut it off.”

_ “Don’t even think about it,” _ Lexa recites. “It made the doctor laugh so hard that he had to go out in the hallway.”

“Can we change the subject?” Raven’s fork clatters against her plate and she glares across the table. Lexa sinks down in her seat. 

“We can talk about tomorrow,” Octavia speaks up, cutting the tense silence and turning to Raven. “You’re  _ finally _ gonna be eighteen.”

“And?”

Octavia just shrugs, casting a knowing glance in Lexa’s direction. “Just figured you’d be more excited.”

_ “I’m _ excited,” Clarke speaks up. “With Raven gone, and you two at camp, I get the whole house to myself.”

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself,” Indra appears in the doorway, a towel wrapped around her head. “We’re moving you into Lexa’s room and most likely getting a new resident within a few weeks.”

“That soon?” Raven raises an eyebrow.

Indra nods. “Summer always brings in more kids.”

“So when me and Octavia come back the house is going to be full of strangers?” Lexa frowns. 

“That’s how this place works, Lexa,” Indra nods. “You were all strangers at one point, too.” Octavia and Raven glance to one another. 


	23. Chapter 23

The next morning -- Raven’s birthday -- starts out with Indra sending Clarke and Raven out to run errands. Errands, coincidentally, that will take much longer than originally intended. Thanks to Clarke, who, when they’re already halfway home, realizes that she “forgot” to stop at the dry cleaners -- derailing them for at least another two hours. 

By the time they finally arrive back at the house, Raven is annoyed and hungry. As they make their way inside, she trails behind Clarke, lugging an armful of groceries. Almost immediately, she notes something is up. It’s too quiet.

She stops just short of the kitchen, a knowing look on her face. ‘I’m not in the mood, Lexa,” she deadpans, well aware of Lexa’s affinity for hiding behind corners and jumping out to scare people.

There’s a long pause of silence and Raven rolls her eyes. “Very funny,” she mutters, giving in and making her way into the kitchen. “But don’t get mad at me when I punch--,”

“SURPRISE!”

Raven stumbles backward, a loaf of bread falling out of her arms. Lexa tugs a string on a small plastic bottle, causing confetti to burst out and rain down on them. 

Recovering, still slightly startled, Raven’s eyes scan the kitchen -- the colorful streamers, the cake in the middle of the island, and the cut out letters hanging above the table. She cracks a smile. “Impressive.”

Octavia takes the groceries from her arms, pushing them aside atop the counter. “You like it?” she asks, tossing Clarke a bag of chips. “I was afraid you’d kill us all.”

“I’ll save that for later,” Raven teases. She’s honestly still a bit shocked, considering she’d nearly forgotten her own birthday, but she plays it off the best she can. “Where’s Indra?”

“Visiting family,” Clarke nods. “You’re a legal adult now. You can be our babysitter.”

“We’ve got until 3am to do absolutely nothing,” Octavia nods, leaning against the counter. “We got takeout, too. Plus an extra thing of that spicy sauce you like.”

“Not too bad, tiny,” Raven laughs, nudging Octavia’s shoulder. 

(For Octavia, the look of surprise on Raven’s face is more than enough.)

* * *

 

 

“This is the last time it’s just gonna be the four of us,” Lexa speaks up, stealing a piece of chicken from Clarke’s plate with her chopsticks. They’ve all congregated in the living room, eating Chinese food and waiting for their usual Friday movie marathon to start.

“Don’t remind me,” Clarke rolls her eyes. “I’m not in the mood to deal with a bunch of new kids.”

“At least you’ll be out in a month,” Octavia reminds her. “Me and Lexa are stick here.”

“At least you guys get free food,” Raven adds, laughing softly. Octavia scoots closer to her, pretending she needed to reach something on the table. Raven teasingly ruffles her hair. 

“It’s starting,” Lexa hisses at them to be quiet. She hops up to turn off the lights, bouncing back onto the beanbag. Raven grabs the blanket hanging over the back of the couch, slinging it around Octavia’s shoulders and pulling her closer.

* * *

 

 

Octavia’s not sure when she falls asleep, all she knows is that when she wakes up, it’s to Raven nudging her shoulder gently.

“O,” she whispers. “It’s almost time.” 

That’s how Octavia ends up following Raven upstairs, reality hitting her when her eyes land on Raven’s half of the room, barren except for a suitcase and a few boxes stacked on the bed. Soon, she’s helping the girl lug the last of her belongings down to the trunk of her car -- she’d agreed to drop Raven off at the apartment when she and Lexa departed for Nevada. 

“That’s the last of it,” Octavia closes the trunk, brushing her hands off on her jeans. Her eyes finally meet Raven’s, and she can sense the girl’s nervousness for the first time that night. She takes a step forward.

“I’m on my own now,” Raven half-whispers, giving Octavia a sad smile. “I thought it would feel more liberating.”

“Feels scary?” Octavia asks softly, earning a soft nod from the girl. Octavia pulls her into a hug, breathing her in and holding her tightly. “It’s not just you,” she whispers, her words muffled against Raven’s shoulder. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Laughing softly, Raven pulls away, brushing Octavia’s hair back and taking a moment just to study her face. “Everything’s gonna start changing,” she says, almost as if she’s warning the girl, giving her a chance to back out early. But Octavia doesn’t even flinch.

“Bring it on,” she nods in finality, placing a hand on Raven’s shoulder and leaning up to kiss her. For Raven, her words provide relief, confirmation that Octavia’s willing to stay through whatever’s thrown their way. 

 

* * *

 

The car ride is quiet. Clarke’s agreed to spend the night at Raven’s apartment for her first night. Meanwhile, Octavia and Lexa have a grueling four hour drive ahead of them. Everyone’s mind is racing.

When they finally pull into the parking lot of the apartment building, Raven doesn’t make a move to get out. Sighing, Octavia circles the car, opening Raven’s door and quietly helping her to her feet. 

“This is it?” Raven asks softly, already knowing the answer.

“It’s just three weeks,” Octavia reminds her. “You have the mailing address, right?”

Raven nods.

“Oh, and…” Octavia pauses, holding up a finger to signal for Raven to wait as she retrieves something from her jacket pocket. “Happy Birthday,” she whispers, pressing something into Raven’s palm, curling her fingers around it. With furrowed eyebrows, Raven holds up the small bronze key.

“You’ll see,” Octavia nods. Raven gives her a questioning look, but Octavia just laughs and shakes her head. “You’ll like it. I promise.” 

“You leaving or what?” Clarke appears from the back of the car, carrying a box on her hip. Lexa peers out the window. 

Octavia just nods quickly and turns back to Raven, throwing her arms around the girl and hugging her tightly. She hears Raven whisper a soft “I love you,” against her shoulder, and she does the same.

“Three weeks,” Raven nods when they pull away. Octavia just smiles softly. 

“Three weeks.”

 

* * *

 

As the car drives away with Lexa and Octavia in tow, Raven stands beside Clarke, fingers curling and uncurling around the key in her hand. 

“C’mon, Romeo,” Clarke shakes her head, tossing a duffel back to the girl. Snapping out of her trance, Raven hurries to follow her. Once they’re in the elevator, she raises an eyebrow at the girl. 

“Romeo?” Raven questions. “Are you implying I’ll die in four days?”

Clarke just smirks and shakes her head, unlocking the apartment and nudging the door open. Raven’s about to question her once more, but she’s distracted when as they walk into the apartment. 

_ “I wonder who that could be from,”  _ Clarke deadpans knowingly. Against the wall in the small living room space is a tall bookshelf. Raven looks to Clarke, but she just motions for the girl to continue before disappearing into the kitchen.

Raven, still confused, slowly makes her way across the room. She can smell wood stain, immediately letting her know that this must be one of the projects Octavia locked herself away in the garage to work on. What catches her attention, though, is the bottom portion of the piece of furniture. Instead of shelves, there’s two doors, a small brass lock between them. Looking down to the key, she raises an eyebrow. 

Carefully, Raven lowers herself to one knee. It takes a bit of effort to turn the key in the lock, but once she does, the doors slowly swing open. 

Sitting inside the small outcove are three things. First is a record player. It’s an older antique, Raven can tell by the weathered brass embellishments. Her eyes travel over to the small stack of records beside it. And last but not least, there’s a small note, folded up and taped to the inside of the door. Raven smiles as soon as she recognizes the cream colored paper from Octavia’s journal. She carefully unfolds it.

 

_ Raven, _

_ I wasn’t sure what to get you, because one -- you hate presents, and two -- you don’t suit normal presents. The only jewelry you wear is your mom’s necklace. Plus I suck at picking out jewelry. (That much money for a rock? Really?) But then when I went with you to help carry stuff into the apartment, I noticed something. You only brought the things you  _ _ needed _ _. A bed, a dresser, a desk -- all the bare necessities. And then I realized that applies to everything you do. You only take what you need, and sometimes not even that. But I figured it was about time someone gave you a little bit more. Maybe that’s why I’m here. _

_ I wish I had all the money in the world so I could give you absolutely everything. But for now, I found this bookshelf on one of me and Lexa’s thrift store adventures and fixed it up a bit. I figured you could put your books on here instead of shoving them in the back of your closet. The record player is in case you get lonely. Music always helps. And you can lock it all away when you’re done, because I know your obsession with things that lock -- that belong to only you. _

_ Here’s to being eighteen and free from this shitty ass system. _

_ I love you. _

__ \- Octavia _ _

 

 

Raven reads the letter once, then twice, and then folds it up into a small square and tucks it into her back pocket. After she closes and locks the small cabinet, she stands up. Carefully, she undoes the clasp of her mother’s necklace and strings it through the small bronze key, letting it fall into place right beside her grandmother’s ring. Taking a deep breath, she curls her fingers around the key before turning her attention to the boxes by the door. 

Clarke emerges from the kitchen to find Raven carefully placing her books into the new shelf. Keeping quiet, she leans against the doorframe and watches as Raven takes a few steps backward to study her work before shaking her head and moving forward to switch two books. Clarke snorts.

“You’ve got it bad, Reyes,” Clarke shakes her head, tossing a chip into her mouth. Startled, Raven whips her head around and looks to the sudden intruder with wide eyes. It takes her a few moments to process the girl’s words. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she quickly shakes her head, turning away from Clarke’s knowing gaze. Her hand comes up to toy with her necklace. 

“Oh come on,” Clarke rolls her eyes, amused at how Raven’s still trying to keep it hidden. “You’re eighteen now, dumbass. Doesn’t matter what you do anymore.” She raises a teasing eyebrow. “Doesn’t matter who you hug… who you kiss… who you f--,” 

_ “Alright,” _ Raven cuts her off, glaring at the girl. “Alright, Clarke, I get it.” 

“What?” Clarke feigns innocence, not missing how red Raven’s face has turned. “I was gonna say fancy.”

“Doesn’t matter who I  _ fancy?” _ Raven raises an eyebrow. Clarke just laughs. 

“Seriously though, kid. I’m happy for you,” Clarke walks over and slaps a hand on Raven’s shoulder. She pauses for a moment. “Just don’t fuck her on my bed,” she adds before disappearing down the hallway. 

“There it is!” Raven calls after her, trying to compose herself. “I knew you couldn’t be sincere!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Clarke pauses by her bedroom door. “You love me.” 

Raven rolls her eyes half-heartedly. “Fuck you.”

“You know, I’d say it back, but I’ll leave that job to Octavia,” Clarke smirks, watching Raven’s eyes widen just as she closes her bedroom door behind her. 

 

* * *

 

_ Dear Octavia _

_ This may be too early to send you a letter, but it’s the first night in my apartment alone and I can’t sleep because there’s noises coming from the room below mine. Loud music or something. Clarke left around lunchtime. She’s got another job interview. _

_ I got your note and stuff last night. Thank you. I have The Mama’s and Papa’s record on right now. It’s nice. It makes the space feel less empty.  _

_ I thought a lot about what you said in the note -- about me being obsessed with things that lock. I think that’s what you get for being a product of the system. Nothing’s ever really yours, so you hold onto anything you can -- and you lock it away so it only belongs to you. I used to have this metal change box that I stole from a Girl Scout’s table when I was younger. It had a key and everything. I kept all my treasures in there. Which wasn’t much, considering I was just a little kid -- a deck of cards, a bouncy ball, a pair of mittens my old teacher had given me from the lost and found… but then when they picked me up at school to relocate me after the foster mother said she couldn’t deal with me, they never bothered to pack the lockbox. Probably because I kept it shoved in the back of a dresser drawer to keep it hidden.  _

_ It’s funny now, because my apartment is essentially a lockbox of its own. It’s pretty empty right now, though. Maybe I should try decorating a bit.  _

_ I hope you’re having fun. I was looking over the camp brochure that Lexa brought home and it looks like everything you could ever dream of. Just be careful on the ziplines, daredevil. _

_ Come back soon. It’s boring without you. There’s a little cafe across the street that I think you would like. Maybe we can go there when you get back.  _

_ Love you, _

__ \- Raven _ _

 

_ _

* * *

 

 

_ Rae, _

_ Are you sad? You sound sad in your letter. I wish I could be there but maybe you should call Clarke and ask her to keep you company. I bet Indra wouldn’t mind if you paid her a visit, either.  _

_ Camp is really nice, but it’s hot as hell. To be honest, I didn’t even read the brochure before I got here. But yes, I did go ziplining. And yes, it was fucking awesome. I even convinced Lexa to try it.  _

_ They have me working in a girl’s dorm with 4th and 5th graders. They’re insane. I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. There’s another counselor here. Her name is Laura and she’s engaged to some guy she met online. But the kids like me more. I can tell.  _

_ You should see Lexa, Rae. She’s like a whole new person. She spends all her time in the Arts and Crafts cabin with the group of special ed kids. What happened to the girl who failed art, right? I have no clue. But she works so well with the kids. I stopped in one day to see what she was doing but I could only sit still for so long. It was like magic, man. Those kids love her. They just get each other.  _

_ I’m sending you a picture that Lexa took. It’s kinda dark, but that’s me in the tree with a few of the kids from my cabin. That night we were watching fireworks from across the lake.  _

_ I feel bad that I’m all the way over here, getting to zipline and go swimming, while you’re back there all alone. Did you listen to the Elvis record? The gold one? That’s one of my favorites. Lexa picked out the Bon Iver one, but maybe you shouldn’t listen to that one yet, cause’ it’s kinda sad.  _

_ And don’t worry, once I get back we can get into all sorts of trouble together. I’ll climb up onto your balcony and sweep you off your feet like some Romeo and Juliet shit. Or was that Rapunzel? Either way. It’ll be the best summer ever, Rae. Promise. (And yes, I’d love to go to the cafe with you.)  _

_ Are you keeping in touch with your dad? And have you heard from any colleges? I’ll write again as soon as I can.  _

_ Love you (more), _

__ \- O _ _

 

 

* * *

 

_ O,  _

_ I’m not really sad. Just kinda… stuck. I’m thinking of getting summer job with Clarke, but she’s got an interview at Sonic and I don’t think my leg would take kindly to standing all day. So when I say I’m stuck, I guess that just means I’m bored. And kinda lonely.  _

_ It sounds like both you and Lexa really like it there. I’d rather die than be left in charge of a group of 5th grade girls, to be honest. I don’t know how you do it. The picture was cute, though. You look tan as hell. Do I have competition?  _

_ And yes, I did listen to the Elvis record. I figured it’d be your favorite, just cause’ all the songs are loud and fast. Do you  _ _ ever _ _ listen to slow music? Oh, and also, both Rapunzel  _ _ and _ _ Romeo and Juliet involve climbing up balconies. But I don’t think my hair is long or healthy enough for you to climb up it. So you’re on your own on that one, kid.  _

_ My dad actually called this morning. (Clarke helped me set up the landline.) He wants me to come camping with their whole family this weekend. I didn’t really give him an answer. Sleeping on the ground would kill my leg. I don’t know, O. No matter how much time I spend with them, they don’t feel like a family to me. He doesn’t feel like a father. At this point I’m not sure if he ever will. (Or, if I even want him to.)  _

_ It’s funny, because this is the kind of thing I would have dreamed of as a kid. I mean, how much better could it get? Finding out you have a rich dad and an entire family just a short drive away. But honestly, it just makes me feel more isolated. Is that weird? These are the people I’m supposed to fit in with, but I don’t. It just makes me think, you know? Will I ever find a place where I fit in? _

_ Damn, Raven, way to kill the mood. But hey, I’m happy you’re having so much fun. Send more pictures. Clarke says hi.  _

_ Love you (even more), _

__ \- Raven _ _

 

 

* * *

 

_ _

_ Raven, _

_ What’s worse? Feeling sad or feeling stuck? _

_ Tell Clarke I say hi back. Has she been hanging out at the apartment a lot? Oh, and Lexa says hi, too. I’m writing this while I’m sitting next to her in the arts and crafts cabin. They’re making some sort of poster with pressed flowers.  _

_ We spent all day on the water. One of the leaders rented a boat and tied this inflatable tube to the back of it. You should’ve seen how much air we got. It was insane. Lexa tried to take pictures but they all came out blurry.  _

_ Just because your dad is filthy rich doesn’t mean he’s perfect, Rae. His money doesn’t entitle you to feel anything for him. You may be family, but he knows close to nothing about you. He wasn’t there for 18 years. Hell, Indra knows you better than he does. I don’t believe that whole “blood is thicker than water” bullshut. Sure, family matters, but it’s not the world. Loyalty trumps blood, any day. _

_ And hey, if it counts for anything, you fit in with me. I’m not perfect, but it’s better than nothing, right? Clarke and Lexa too. We’re a shitty little family of our own. And me and you… well, I think no matter what happens, you’ll always be important to me. I couldn’t forget you if i tried.  _

_ (I can’t help falling in love with you -- Elvis said it himself.) _

__ \- Octavia _ _

 

 

* * *

 

_ _

_ O, _

_ Neither is worse, just different.  _

_ Clarke’s spent the last two nights here because we’ve been painting all the rooms. She’s doing hers dark red. Mine is gonna be blue. Robin’s egg blue, to be exact. I’m feeling a bit better. It’s just taking some time to adjust to being on my own. Sometimes I lose track of time and forget that no one’s gonna call me downstairs for dinner. Oh, and you’re gonna be back in a week. That’s a plus. I miss you like hell. _

_ I got all the pictures you sent. It’s gorgeous out there. Although I wouldn’t mind a few more pictures of your face, weirdo. I appreciate your love for taking pictures of weird ass trees, though. And sunsets. _

_ I went to dinner with my dad the other night. It was just the two of us this time and it was super awkward. He kept trying to bring up my mom. I feel like he has no right to talk about her. Is that weird? It was just uncomfortable. Like talking to a stranger. Maybe even worse. _

_ You’ll always be important to me, too. You came around right when things were really shitty and made them… a lot less shitty. Just having you there is enough to make things easier. You help me to be strong, O. _

_ I love you and your cheesy ass Elvis lyrics. _

__ \- Raven _ _

 

 

* * *

 

_ _

_ Rae,  _

_ I don’t know if this will get to you before I get home, but it’s worth a try.  _

_ I miss you too. I stole one of your hoodies when I was packing. Have you noticed? The maroon one? Yeah. I wear it every night. I even wear it at our bonfires, even though it’s anything but cold. Good luck getting it back. _

_ There’s not much else to say because I’ll be home soon, but I think it’s good you’re still making an effort with your dad. It’s good for you. He’s your dad, after all. If anything, you can learn a little more about yourself. And at least he’s making an effort, right? He seems to want to make up for lost time.  _

_ See you soon. I love you. _

__ \- Octavia _ _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess what happens in the next chapterrrrr (wink wink nudge nudge)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this chapter is NSFW)

If there’s one thing Raven likes about living on her own, it’s the privacy. It’s nine o’clock at night and she’s eating a bowl of cereal on the couch, in nothing but her underwear. She’s watching some documentary about astrophysics, nearly falling asleep, when a knock at the door startles her back awake. 

Deep down, she knows who it is, which is why she doesn’t bother looking through the peephole. But she’s still confused, because Octavia wasn’t supposed to be home until tomorrow afternoon. She makes her way over to the door, unsure if she’s hearing things. 

However, it all hits her when she opens the door and there stands Octavia, a small smile on her face. She’s tan, considerably more than before, and the sun has brought out faint freckles, scattering them across the bridge of her nose and under her eyes. Her hair is thrown up into some half up, half down style that she hasn’t given much regard to. Raven’s eyes scan her up and down -- flip flops, white shorts, and a mustard yellow camp t-shirt, covered in sharpie signatures and crudely drawn smiley faces. There’s a beach ball tucked under her arm, and the faded colors of a temporary tattoo on her cheek. 

“Hey, stranger,” Octavia speaks up when Raven doesn’t say anything. She balances her duffel bag on her hip, a smile tugging at her lips. “You gonna let me in or are you just gonna keep staring?”

Snapping out of her daze, Raven quickly steps aside and holds open the door. “I thought you were…” she stumbles over her words, gesturing vaguely to fill in the gaps. “Tomorrow?”

“Drove through the night,” Octavia shrugs, standing in the middle of the living room and taking it all in. The apartment looks completely different than it had when she left. For starters, the living room walls are now a muted green, no longer plain white. There’s a few new pieces of furniture, two small lamps and a beanbag chair tossed in front of the television -- Clarke’s doing. A smile tugs at Octavia’s lips when she notices a few of the pictures she’d send from camp, now taped in a row on the bookshelf. 

“I wasn’t expecting you,” Raven shakes her head, flustered. She grabs two dirty glasses from the table beside the couch and hurries to put them away. But Octavia stops her, suddenly at her side and placing a hand on her arm. 

“Hey, it’s been three weeks,” the girl quirks an eyebrow. “Don’t I at least get a hello?” There’s a smile on her face, but she grows uneasy at Raven’s odd behavior. 

“You do… it’s just,” Raven shakes her head. “I’m…” she motions vaguely. Octavia’s eyes scan her up and down. 

“In your underwear?” Octavia furrows her eyebrows together, but she just shrugs. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.” 

“That’s not it,” Raven shakes her head, swallowing hard. “All those times were in the dark.”

“Yeah, so?” Octavia looks to her in utter confusion. 

“My leg.”

“What about it?” 

“It’s…  _ it.” _

“And?” 

“It’s… scarred.”

Octavia tilts her head to the side.

“Like, really fucking ugly.”

“No it’s not,” Octavia quips back, but Raven’s too flustered to think rationally. She starts to move back toward the kitchen but Octavia snatches the glasses from her hands before she can even take a step, setting them back down on the table. Her eyes never leave Raven’s.

“You’re complicating this more than you need to,” Octavia steps in front of her, blocking the pathway to the kitchen. “You really think I care what your leg looks like?”

Raven shrinks back. Truth is, even  _ she _ gets dressed in the dark to avoid looking at her reflection in the mirror. She’s a mangled version of herself, a shell of the body she used to be. After the accident, not only was she left with raised white scars from stitches and a surgery that tried (but failed) to save the nerves in her leg, but she was also left with a series of bruises that just… never went away -- dark purple watercolor patches, prominent on her skin as a result of muscle damage. When Raven sees this, she sees weakness, failure -- a reminder that she’ll never truly recover.

But to Octavia, who can’t help but glance downward for a split second, all she sees are battle scars. Unlike Raven, disgust doesn’t bubble in her stomach at the sight. She doesn’t feel compelled to avert her eyes. It’s not as bad as Raven’s making it out to be, she thinks. For Octavia, it’s simple. It’s just Raven. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Raven…” Octavia sighs when the girl in front of her just shakes her head and lets her hair fall in front of her face, shielding herself. “C’mon, Rae, it’s just me,” she takes a step forward, her fingers brushing the inside of Raven’s wrist. “We haven’t seen each other in three weeks and that’s the first thing you think? That I’m going to be… I don’t know…  _ disgusted _ at the sight of you?” 

Raven’s eyes finally lifts to meet hers, passing a silent question between them. 

“I’m serious,” Octavia keeps unwavering eye contact. “I don’t care,” she nods once. “And you shouldn’t either.”

“O…” Raven starts, but trails off. Octavia makes it sound so simple that even  _ she’s  _ starting to believe the girl’s words. Raven’s come to know when Octavia’s lying, and this isn’t one of those times. 

Raven opens her mouth to speak again, but closes it slowly when Octavia’s eyes flicker down to her necklace. Her breath catches in her throat when, stepping forward, Octavia’s fingers find the key around her neck. The girl’s lips curve into a smile, and suddenly, with Octavia so close to her, Raven’s stomach does something unexplainable. 

“S’cute,” Octavia nods softly, twirling the key around her finger. Just as Octavia’s eyes flutter back up to Raven’s, Raven is hit with a wave of newfound confidence, and Octavia has to grab her shoulders for support when Raven’s lips crash against hers, taking her by surprise and nearly making her lose her balance. 

_ “Woah,” _ Octavia breathes out, pulling away from the kiss. Blinking rapidly, she looks to Raven, her eyes searching the girl’s. “Wh-why?” she struggles to compose herself. Her heart has suddenly kicked into overdrive.

“Three weeks,” Raven shakes her head. “S’been three weeks.”

With a soft nod, Octavia allows the girl to pull her closer, arms looped around her waist, resting at the small of her back. Within seconds, the roles are reversed -- Octavia’s the one at a lost for words, Raven’s fingers tracing spirals over the fabric of her shirt, just beneath her shoulderblades. 

“Octavia,” Raven whispers, just for the sake of saying her name. Her words ghost across the girl’s lips. It’s a declaration that she’s there, finally, standing in front of her. Octavia just nods, some sort of confirmation. Her wide eyes bore into Ravens, waiting for the girl’s next move. She’s already putty in her hands. 

However, they’re interrupted by a crash of thunder that practically shakes the walls. Octavia jumps, grabbing Raven’s arms and looking to the window. Lighting flickers in her eyes, flashing across the room.

“Are you staying the night?” Raven rasps, gaining Octavia’s attention once more. 

“I mean, I-I figured…” Octavia stammers. There’s a change in the air, and she’s pretty sure she can already guess what’s just moments ahead of them, but she struggles to think straight with Raven this close to her. It’s intoxicating. 

“Good,” Raven just nods once, tugging Octavia’s wrist and nodding back towards her bedroom. Like a lost puppy, Octavia follows closely behind her. 

“Blue,” Octavia whispers once she’s standing in Raven’s doorway, letting her eyes scan the bedroom. Her duffel bag slides off of her shoulder, landing on the ground with a thud. She makes a mental note to do something about the lack of pictures of Raven’s walls. “I like it.”

“Reminds me of your eyes,” Raven nods. She throws Octavia for a loop when, sitting down on the end of the bed, she motions for the girl to come closer. Octavia doesn’t argue. Her heart starts to race as she quickly toes off her shoes and takes the few steps forward to close the gap between her and Raven. 

“Cheesy,” she mumbles, gaining a bit of her confidence back. But, before she can say anything else, Raven tugs her forward by her shirt and kisses her hungrily. Octavia nearly falls on top of her. When they pull away, she struggles to catch her breath. There’s a silent question passed between them, 

“Are you sure?” Octavia whispers, her face lingering dangerously close to Raven’s. Raven’s eyes never leave hers, though. She just laughs softly.

“It’s been  _ three weeks, _ ” she stressed her words, a smile tugging at her lips. “I’m sure.”

But Octavia doesn’t move. Her eyes are still on Raven’s, questioning her. She hesitates to take this any further, knowing exactly what had happened the last time things got heated between them. Her head falls to the side slightly, an eyebrow arched in silent question. Raven raises one back. 

“Are  _ you _ sure?” Raven asks, studying Octavia’s face. The girl nods without hesitation. 

“I’m…  _ yeah _ ,” Octavia breathes out. “I just want to make sure that you’re… you know.”

Lightning flickers through the room, but this time neither of the girls even notice it. Raven, fed up with talking, just balls her hands in the collar of Octavia’s shirt and kisses her again. This time, Octavia’s quick to respond. As their lips battle for dominance, Octavia’s fingers trail up Raven’s back, gently tugging the girl’s hair out of its ponytail. The kiss breaks, giving Raven just enough time to shake out her damp hair before Octavia’s nudging her shoulder, urging the girl to scoot back on the bed.

Pulling herself back with her hands, Raven tenses when she feels her brace catch on the sheets. Panic flickers in her eyes, but Octavia can read her like a book. Within seconds, Octavia’s hands deftly move to undo the brace. Even she’s become more skilled at this, and the brace fumbles to the floor in no time at all. 

“Not so bad,” Raven laughs, although she’s still slightly embarrassed. But Octavia makes her forget all about it, demanding her full attention when she crawls up the bed beside her. Raven follows her lead, slowly resting back against the mattress as Octavia climbs atop her, one knee resting on each side of her waist. Straddling Raven, she falls forward, catching herself with her hands pressed into the mattress, her face dangling just inches above Raven’s.

“Three weeks, huh?” she cocks her head to the side, a teasing smile on her face. Her hair slips down from behind her shoulders, framing her face and creating a curtain around them. But Raven somehow manages to keep her cool, even throwing a playful smirk back in Octavia’s direction.

“I missed you, too,” Octavia murmurs in passing, finding Raven’s lips only moments later. She can feel Raven’s hands slipping under the back of her shirt, and the sensation of nails lightly dragging up and down her shoulders is enough to elicit a quiet gasp from Octavia. Raven smirks against the girl’s lips, and Octavia’s eyes flutter open to send her a teasing glare.

“Up,” Raven cocks her chin upwards. Obliging, Octavia sits back on her heels. Raven’s hands tug at the bottom of her shirt, and Octavia’s breathing labors upon seeing the change in the girl -- the desperation in which she yanks the shirt upwards, working it over Octavia’s head and throwing it aside. Brown eyes trace over her abdomen, and Octavia decides to speed things up. Her hands quickly undo the clasp on her bra, and in lands somewhere by the door. As soon as Raven realizes what she’s done, her eyes widen, her composure starting to crumble. 

“Fuck,” Raven mutters, reduced to only one word sentences. Her eyes rake over the girl above her, who just raises a knowing eyebrow at Raven before leaning down to kiss her again. A little too excited, their teeth click together, and Raven laughs breathily against her lips. 

“Up,” Octavia repeats Raven’s words from earlier, curling the hem of Raven’s shirt around her fingers. A quiet question is passed between them, and upon a quick nod from Raven, the girl’s shirt is lost among the pile of clothes on the floor. Octavia allows herself a moment to sit back and rake her eyes across the girl’s chest.

“Stay,” Octavia holds up one finger, quickly climbing off of the bed. Raven’s eyes follow the girl, who flips the light switch, letting the room engulf itself in darkness. Raven hears shuffling, and then the curtains are thrown open, allowing blue light to flood the room, just enough so she can see Octavia’s figure jump back onto the bed. 

Giggling, Octavia rolls beside her, grabbing Raven’s shoulders. Raven, however, takes advantage of the momentum and somehow, Octavia ends up on her back, with Raven now the one on top. She can see the glimmer in Octavia’s eyes, wide and waiting beneath her. 

Raven can feel the blood pounding in her ears, even more so when she realizes Octavia had somehow shed her shorts in the process, leaving them both in just their underwear. Placing her hands into the bed, just above the girl’s shoulders, Raven fumbles to find her in the dark. Their mouths brush together for a few moments before Octavia brings a hand to Raven’s chin, tilting it downwards and sucking the girl’s bottom lip into her mouth. 

Even though Octavia’s underneath Raven, she still has the upper hand. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of friendly competition, she tells herself. By the time Raven notices the smirk on Octavia’s face, it’s too late. Octavia’s already managed to maneuver her leg around Raven’s own, pressing her thigh upwards.

Raven chokes against Octavia’s lips, feeling pressure where she needs it the most. Her elbows wobble, and Octavia seizes the moment, flipping them over again so she’s back on top, now straddling Raven’s thigh. She’s sure the girl can feel her arousal through her underwear, which becomes evident when Raven mumbles a string of incoherent words, with a strangled “Jesus Christ” tacked on at the end. 

Adrenaline pulses through Octavia’s veins as she splays a hand against Raven’s abdomen, ghosting the tips of her nails over the honeyed skin. Raven’s reaction is immediate -- a hitch in her breath when she feels Octavia’s other hand travel up her torso, dragging her fingertips in figure eights around her chest. Raven makes the mistake of looking up, her eyes locking with Octavia’s. And god, she didn’t know the girl was capable of making her feel such things. 

Quirking an eyebrow, Octavia dives down, pressing her lips to the inner curve of Raven’s neck. She can feel Raven tilt her chin upwards, her heart pounding against her chest. Octavia’s quick to adjust her position just slightly, so her chest drags against the girl’s own -- skin meeting skin for the first time. They both shiver, prompting a soft laugh from Octavia, which sends goosebumps across Raven’s skin. 

Heat pooling in her core, Raven bites back a strangled moan, rolling her hips against Octavia’s thigh. It’s friction, but it’s not enough. Octavia’s tongue dances across Raven’s collarbone before she finally lifts her head, raising a teasing eyebrow at the girl.

“Need something?” Octavia cocks her head to the side, feigning innocence. But Raven can tell the girl above her is far from composed. Knowing this, Raven tightens the muscles in her thigh and presses upwards. And it works -- Octavia bites back a moan and nearly falls on top of Raven. Satisfied, Raven mimics her by raising an eyebrow. 

“You tell me.”

Octavia tosses a half hearted glare in her direction, but she’s too far gone to hold back much longer. Painfully slow, she drags the tips of her fingers from the valley of Raven’s breasts all the way down to the hem of her underwear. Her eyes follow, tossing her hair aside and out of her face. 

By now, Raven’s lifting her hips, trying to relieve the insistent ache in her core. Octavia finally gives in, dipping her hand into Raven’s underwear while simultaneously crashing their lips together, stifling Raven’s moan when her fingers swipe through her folds, gathering her wetness. 

Trying to find some sort of stability, Raven’s hands find their way to Octavia’s hips. As she feels Octavia begin to circle her entrance, she mimics her -- digging her thumbs in lazy circles in the dip of Octavia’s hips. Spurred by the gasp that Octavia chokes back, Raven presses down a bit harder, finally drawing a breathy moan from the girl above her. 

Raven has no time to revel in her victory, though, because suddenly Octavia’s entering her with one finger and Raven’s head falls back against the mattress. With her free hand, Octavia presses gently on Raven’s hips, keeping her still on the bed as she curls a finger inside the girl. She watches Raven fight back a moan, lazily grinding her own center against the girl’s thigh. 

Octavia sure does take her damn time, to Raven’s chagrin. Her fingers have yet to travel to the one spot where Raven needs it the most, and Octavia knows. Instead, she’s only fueling the heat in Raven’s core by languidly moving her finger in and out of the girl, eventually slipping in another. 

Just as Raven’s beginning to feel the coil in her abdomen tighten, Octavia’s fingers leave her altogether. The whine doesn’t even get a chance to leave Raven’s mouth, because before she can protest, that same hand is atop Raven’s own. Raven quickly catches on when Octavia begins to guide her hand down to her own arousal, desperate for some sort of friction. 

If Raven had been thinking straight, this would have been the perfect time for a witty remark. But her thoughts are fuzzy, even more so when Octavia’s impatience has her shoving Raven’s hand where she needs it the most. 

Raven swallows hard when she’s instantly met with evidence of the girl’s own need, slick and wet against her fingers. She’s never done this before, but she catches on quickly, mimicking what Octavia had done to her. And it works -- she feels Octavia’s knees shake when she enters her with a finger. Testingly, she uses her thumb to swipe over the girl’s clit, and the response is immediate. 

Realizing that she’s practically already on the edge, Octavia’s hand flies back down to Raven’s core, insistent on bringing the girl down with her. She fills her once more, enjoying how responsive Raven is to every move. With two fingers curled inside the girl, Octavia presses her palm flat against Raven’s clit, smirking when she feels the girl start to roll her hips against her hand. 

Raven tries to fight it, she really does. She focuses on Octavia’s clit, having already realized the reaction it draws from the girl. But Octavia’s already gotten her worked up, and her orgasm hits her like a sudden wave. Inhaling sharply, her shoulders press back into the mattress, her back arching off the bed as she comes for what feels like ages. 

The sight of Raven coming undone is enough to push Octavia over the edge. Being the louder of the two, a string of cuss words spill from Octavia’s mouth and she falls forward, her forehead pressed against the girl’s shoulder as she rides out her orgasm, still moving her hips against Raven’s fingers. Raven can feel Octavia clenching around her, and holy shit, her entire body has turned to static. 

Catching her breath, Octavia rolls from atop Raven and falls onto her back beside the girl. They lay like that for a while, chests rising and falling as they recover from the aftershocks of their climax. 

Octavia’s the first to break the silence, her eyes fluttering open. “Yup,” she breathes out, lifting her head just to let it drop back against the bed. “Definitely gay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that finally happened.


	25. Chapter 25

Octavia doesn’t even remember falling asleep, all she knows is that one minute she was peppering sloppy kisses down Raven’s jawline, and then she wasn’t. When she wakes up, she’s half on Raven, her hair splayed across the girl’s bare chest. It takes her a moment to remember the previous night’s events, and when she does, she’s blinking rapidly and letting her eyes rake over the girl’s sleeping figure. 

Entranced, and still filled with disbelief that last night actually happened, Octavia props herself up on one elbow. She ghosts her fingertips up Raven’s abdomen, leaving goosebumps in her wake. 

Octavia doesn’t think this could be any more perfect. It’s peaceful, quiet except for their soft breathing. Complete silence is a rarity for Octavia, but now it’s just them, white sheets tangled around their legs, the sun leaking in through the windows and casting a soft pale glow across the bed. There’s no worry of interruption or missed appointments. It’s just an impenetrable  _ now _ , and Octavia thinks she could lay like this forever. She could drown in it.

“Take a picture. It lasts longer.”

Raven’s words startle Octavia, snapping her out of her daze. Her eyes flutter down to meet Raven’s, who’s looking at with the faintest of smiles on her face. Octavia’s expression softens. 

“Did I wake you?” Octavia’s voice is raspy from sleep. Her fingers curl and uncurl absentmindedly, her hand resting on Raven’s hip.

“I don’t mind,” Raven half shrugs, rolling onto her side and mimicking Octavia by propping herself up with one elbow, now facing the girl. Reaching out, Raven combs Octavia’s hair out of her face, brushing it past her shoulder. She mumbles a “that’s better,” not missing the flush in Octavia’s cheeks that follows. 

“You got freckles,” Raven notes, her voice gentle. Octavia just nods softly.

“From the sun,” Octavia mumbles, her gaze following Raven when she traces a thumb over the soft skin under her eyes. “Got it from my mom.” 

“S’cute,” Raven whispers, wetting her lips. Her eyes flicker down to Octavia’s own, leaning in just seconds later. Octavia’s hands find her way up the curve of Raven’s shoulders, her fingers threading themselves into the hair at the nape of her neck. Kissing her back softly, Octavia submits rather easily, letting Raven take the lead.

When the kiss breaks, Octavia looks wide eyed up at the girl, who remains lingering inches above her face. Something flashes in Raven’s eyes, something that causes her to fail at fighting back a smile.

“I have something to show you,” Raven nods, pushing off the bed and rolling over so she’s within reach of the nightstand. Octavia watches curiously as Raven digs something out of her drawer. When she turns back over, she slaps and envelope onto Octavia’s chest.

“Read it,” Raven urges her when Octavia raises an eyebrow in question. She drums her fingers against the envelope, giving her a slight nod of the head. “Go on.”

Now intrigued, Octavia sits up, tugging the sheet around her shoulders. Raven’s eyes follow Octavia’s hands as she slips the letter from the envelope and unfolds it, leaning in closer and squinting to read the small print.

Octavia half-mumbles the words as her eyes scan the letter. It takes her a few beats to realize what she’s reading, but when she does, she scrambles to grab the envelope again, eyes skating across the return address. The letter falls from her hands. 

“Stanford?” She whips her head to look at Raven, her mouth agape. “You got into  _ Stanford?” _

Raven, failing to hide her own excitement, just nods softly. Octavia can only stare at her in disbelief for a few seconds before looking at the letter again, reading it twice over.

“It was my reach school,” Raven adds softly. “I honestly wasn’t even gonna send in my application, but…”

“But you did,” Octavia smiles and holds up the letter. “You got in.”

Raven just shrugs, flustered. But Octavia can tell she’s excited, it’s practically radiating off of the girl. This is the first time she’s even seen Raven act even vaguely proud of her own accomplishments. It rubs off on Octavia.

“This is huge,” Octavia glances at her, slipping the letter back into the envelope. “Wait until Indra finds out.”

Raven smiles at the thought. “I just got the letter last night. I was gonna tell you earlier but then… you know,” she laughs softly. “I’m majoring in psychology.”

“Psychology?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. “What happened to astronaut outer space shit?” 

“That stuff’s just for fun,” Raven shrugs. Octavia furrows her eyebrows. 

“You study that stuff  _ for fun?” _

“That’s not the point,” Raven laughs, nudging the girl’s arm. “I talked to my dad about it… and he said he’d help me get into law school after I get my Bachelor’s. If I want.” 

“Law school?” Octavia’s eyes scan Raven’s face.

“Yeah,” Raven nods. “Sounds cheesy, I know. But I wanna be a child advocate. For kids like us,” she shrugs softly. “I figure the only person who can help those kids is someone who’s survived it all and knows exactly how they feel, you know?” 

“Even if the system is fucked, they still need someone to fight for them,” Raven adds with a soft shrug. “I never had that.”

“I’ll fight for you,” Octavia tilts her chin upwards. Raven can’t help but laugh, and she places a hand on Octavia’s knee.

“I know you will, tiny,” she rolls her eyes playfully. “I meant when I was younger. One of my social workers didn’t even know my name. She called me Ryan for over a year. I had all these people making life-changing decisions for me when they’d never even met me before.” 

“Like separating me from my brother.”

“Exactly,” Raven squeezes the girl’s knee. “I know I can’t fix the entire system, but I guess I’m just hoping I’ll be able to keep one kid out of a shitty situation. That’s a start, right?”

“So you’re still going to be working in the system you hate?” Octavia raises an eyebrow, somewhat confused.

“I’ll be working  _ against _ the part of the system that dehumanizes people,” Raven explains. “Protecting the kids  _ from _ it.”

“So that’s why you said child  _ advocate _ ,” Octavia realizes aloud. Her lips curve into a smile. “It fits you,” she says softly. “Who better to help them than you?” 

Raven just shrugs, surprised at at how much Octavia’s approval means to her. She sits up so she’s leaning against the girl’s shoulder.

“You know, they have scholarships for foster kids,” Raven speaks up tentatively, studying Octavia’s face. She knows it’s a sensitive topic. “I bet if you send in a few essays you’d get the money, easy.”

Octavia’s quiet for a few moments before she glances to Raven. “I don’t know,” she admits. “The idea of going to school  _ again _ is kind terrifying. And not the healthy kind.”

Pursing her lips in thought, Raven absentmindedly trails her fingers up and down Octavia’s arm. “Then what will you do?”

There’s a long pause of silence followed by a sigh from Octavia. “M’not sure,” she confesses quietly. “I don’t see myself doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I can’t stand the routine. I just… I want to do everything and nothing all at once.”

“What happens when you turn eighteen?”

“Whatever comes along,” Octavia shrugs. “Maybe me and Lexa will do the same thing you are Clarke are doing,” she motions around the apartment. “Or maybe Bellamy will think of something. I really don’t know.”

“Well, whatever you wind up doing, you’ll kick ass at it,” Raven nudges her shoulder, smiling softly.

“Alright, Miss Stanford,” Octavia teases. She rests her chin on top of Raven’s head, running her fingers through the girl’s hair. “M’proud of you,” she hums, allowing Raven to pull her down with her so they’re laying on their backs. With her arms wrapped around Octavia, Raven skates the tips of her fingers up and down her stomach, giggling when Octavia shivers.

“What’s on the agenda for today?” Octavia asks, turning and nuzzling her head into the crook of Raven’s neck. 

“I’ve got nothing planned,” Raven whispers, feeling Octavia relax into her side.

“Works for me,” the girl giggles, allowing Raven to pull her even closer.

* * *

 

They do absolutely nothing all day. And it’s wonderful. They end up on the couch, watching old movies and sharing a bowl of popcorn. They don’t have to worry about being interrupted, and Octavia hadn’t realized how much of a luxury that could be. 

Eventually, though, Octavia convinces Raven to come back with her to Indra’s for dinner. When they pile into Octavia’s car, Raven realizes just how much she’d missed it -- holes in the floor and all.

Going back to Indra’s for the first time since she left feels a bit odd to Raven. But she knows she’s welcome, Indra’s made it more than clear that all of her girls are welcome back whenever they please. But Raven would never take advantage of that.

As soon as they walk back into the house, Raven’s tackled into a hug by Lexa. Octavia has to grab her arm to keep her from falling backwards. 

“You’re crushing me,” Raven laughs, peeling Lexa off of her. “But I appreciate the enthusiasm.” 

Even Indra pulls her into a hug. Raven’s become a daughter figure to her, having lived in the house for the longest. She remembers when Raven first showed up, newly fifteen, with only a checkered pillow and a drawstring bag of clothes to her name. But now, she’s blossomed into a young adult, graduating at the top of her class and onto bigger things. 

Which is why, when Octavia snatches the letter from Raven’s pocket and waves it in front of Indra, the older woman struggles to fight back tears. She pulls Raven into another hug, squeezing her tight and letting her know how proud she is. 

“Who would’ve thought,” Indra places both of her hands on Raven’s shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes. “The same little girl who refused to leave her bedroom for weeks when she first got here is the same one who’s going to  _ Stanford _ .” She hugs her again. “I knew you’d prove them wrong.”

“Thank you,” Raven whispers, reveling in the fact that she’s made Indra proud. “I don’t think Stanford would have even been an option if you hadn’t put up with all my bullshit.”

“You would’ve done it with or without me,” Indra shakes her head. “I just gave you a place to stay.”

Eventually, after they’re through with the sappy conversation, they all sit down for dinner. Turkey burgers -- Lexa’s specialty. Conversation immediately turns to Lexa and Octavia, who babble incessantly about camp. Clarke steals food from Raven’s plate when she’s distracted, and to Raven, it's as if she never left.

 

* * *

 

 

“Acrobatics.”

“We did that one already.”

“Fine. Aerodynamics.”

“Good one,” Lexa nods from her spot on the beanbag, flipping through the thick encyclopedia on her lap. Octavia’s just gotten back from dropping Raven off at her apartment, something that turned out to be surprisingly difficult. Leaving Raven by herself in an empty apartment is something she knows she’ll grow to hate. But she also knows it won’t be long before they see each other again. 

“So how was it?”

Octavia jumps when Clarke plops down on the couch beside her. She just looks to the girl in confusion. Meanwhile, Lexa’s reading aloud a lengthy paragraph about aerodynamics, unaware that no one is listening. 

“You totally did it,” Clarke shakes her head in disbelief. “I knew it.”

Octavia glances to Lexa, who’s preoccupied, and then back to Clarke. “What are you talking about?”

“You know,” Clarke raises an eyebrow at her. “You and Raven…”

“What did we do?” Octavia’s still oblivious. 

_ “It.” _

“Oh.” 

The word just slips out of Octavia’s mouth upon realizing what Clarke is hinting at. Within seconds, her face is bright red. Panicking, all she can do is look away from Clarke’s knowing gaze. 

“Y’all couldn’t even wait one day,” Clarke shakes her head. Octavia, embarrassed, throws a pillow at her. 

Clarke’s teasing may seem lighthearted, but when they disperse upstairs that night, she lingers in Octavia’s doorway.

“Hurt her and I hurt you,” Clarke nods once, rapping her knuckles against the wall before pushing off the doorframe and disappearing into her own room, leaving a startled Octavia in her wake. 

(That night, Octavia gets in trouble because she stretches the phone cord down the hallway and into her bedroom, which Clarke trips over in the middle of the night. But Octavia just moves to call Raven on the downstairs phone, eventually falling asleep on the couch.)

* * *

 

 

Within just a week’s time, Clarke’s packed up and moved out of the house. She takes Delia out with her for her 18th birthday, stealing Octavia’s car for the night. And while Octavia’s relieved that Raven isn’t living on her own anymore, she’s also a little disappointed that it isn’t  _ her  _ who gets to move in with her. 

To make things even worse, there’s two new girls in the house. Step sisters. Harper and Monroe. They don’t seem to mind that their parents fell victim to a tragic boating accident, either. Their only concern is what’s going to happen to their father’s money, and how many calories that meals at dinner are. Even Lexa, who’s usually nothing but welcoming, starts to subtly avoid them. So within the course of a day, the entire dynamic in the house has changed.

One night, after Lexa’s nearly brought to tears when the two girls criticize her cooking, Octavia helps her gather up her things and move them across the hallway. She’s not sure why they start sharing a bedroom -- but she knows there’s strength in numbers. 

Octavia gets a job across the street from Raven’s apartment, waiting tables in a sports bar. And even though she’s not supposed to, she somehow manages to lie about her age and get shifts working behind the bar -- the tips are better, and god knows she needs the extra money. But, this means she’s working an unhealthy amount of hours, exhausted by the time her shift ends. And since Raven’s apartment is just across the street, she finds herself spending more nights there than she does at Indra’s -- sneaking up the fire escape and crawling in through the bedroom window. 

“You look exhausted,” Raven notes on night when Octavia heaves open the window a bit later than usual. The lights are still on, and Raven sits on the edge of the bed, watching as Octavia throws one of her legs over the windowsill and rolls inside. 

“Long night,” Octavia mumbles, moving to stand in front of the mirror. Her lips curl in disgust when she sees her reflection. 

“You stink,” Raven stands up, crinkling her nose. 

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you get an entire tray of drinks spilled on you,” Octavia sniffs. Raven suddenly notes how flustered the girl is. Before she can say something, though, Octavia shakes her head. 

“I need to shower,” Octavia mutters, yanking off her shoes and disappearing into the hallway. All Raven can do is watch in confusion. 

When Octavia finally emerges from the bathroom fifteen minutes later, she reenters Raven’s room and steals a change of clothes. Raven raises a questioning eyebrow at her. 

“You good?” 

Rolling her eyes, Octavia leans against the edge of the bed and combs her fingers through her damp hair. “I don’t know,” she confesses, balling her hands into fists. Even though her broken hand is fully healed, her knuckles pop every time she clenches her fists hard enough, a surefire sign of her frustration.

“Long night?” Raven scoots closer and tilts her head to the side. Octavia just shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she repeats herself. “I can’t do this shit for the rest of my life,” she squeezes her eyes shut, forcing herself to take a deep breath. “I can’t.”

“Do what, O?”

“Waiting tables,” Octavia mumbles. Raven grows confused.

“Who said you had to wait tables for the rest of your life?”

“Well what else am I gonna do?” Octavia snaps, whipping her head around to look at Raven, who’s startled by her sudden outburst. 

“What do you mean?” Raven furrows her eyebrows together. “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just quit and find another job?”

“You don’t get it,” Octavia sighs, her voice harsh. She shakes her head and looks away. “You just  _ don’t.” _

“Then  _ talk to me, _ Octavia.”

“I’m gonna be stuck in this phase for the rest of my life,  _ Raven,” _ Octavia presses two fingers to her temples. “I don’t get to go to  _ Stanford _ . I’m not smart enough,” she mutters. “But I’m also not braindead enough to deal with drunk assholes all night and then fucking pretend I don’t hear the shit they say when they think I’m not listening.”

“But apparently that’s all I’m good for,” Octavia mumbles, holding a deep breath in her chest. She kicks at the carpet. “Just a stupid kid with dead parents and no talent whatsoever.”

“You have talent,” Raven shakes her head. She opens her mouth to say more, but Octavia beats her to it.

“Yeah, I’m sure  _ Stanford _ would  _ kill _ to have me.”

“Octavia…”

“Don’t ‘ _ Octavia’ _ me!” The girl snaps, jumping to her feet. “You’re a fucking genius, Lexa’s practically got a photographic memory, and Clarke doesn’t even care!” She flings her arm to the side. “Hell, even the two new assholes at Indra’s have more money in their bank accounts than I’ll ever make in my life! How is that fair, huh? Tell me.”

Raven just stares at her, at a loss for words. Octavia hands curl and uncurl into fists as she paces over to the window.

“But I’m just fucking average,” she mutters. “Just like every fucking report card I’ve ever gotten. Just  _ average _ .” Raven watches as the girl gazes out the window. 

“O…” Raven bites her lip, hesitant. “Can you not... ?”

“I’m not gonna fucking  _ jump _ , Raven,” Octavia snaps at the girl, glaring at her from across the room. Raven sinks back into herself, remaining silent.

When Octavia looks back over, her expression falters as she realizes what she’s said. She opens her mouth to say something but hesitates, just long enough for Raven to shake her head, turn away, and flick off the bedside lamp before Octavia has a chance to argue. 

As the room’s engulfed in pitch blackness, Raven can hear Octavia linger for a moment or two. But then, the only thing she hears is the creak of the window being shoved back open and the pang of footsteps as they disappear down the fire escape. She takes a deep breath.

 

* * *

Raven’s worried about Octavia, even more so after she snapped at her. And maybe Raven should understand, because Octavia’s been working non-stop for the past three weeks, waking up in the earliest hours of the morning just so she can sneak back into Indra’s and pretend she wasn't out late. And she does understand, a little.

But she's also hurt. And she's not sure why. Either way, it's what makes her hesitant to call Octavia the next morning after she wakes up to an empty bed. Part of her had held onto the belief that Octavia would find her way back to her side, the entire night forgotten. But she hadn’t. 

She spends the whole day planning some sort of apology speech for when Octavia clambers back up her fire escape that night, but she doesn't show. Raven hates to admit that she lays awake all night, waiting for the sound of the window cracking open. She thinks maybe she should call Octavia, but she has no clue what she'd say. Or how she'd expect Octavia to answer. And even though it wasn't exactly a fight between them, there's still a tiny ounce of stubbornness in her. Insecurity, even. Telling her --  _ if she loves you so much, she'll call you first _ . So Raven waits. 

Maybe she's overreacting a bit. Maybe Octavia could care less. But also, Raven thinks, maybe Octavia never wants to see her again. Maybe they're broken up. Were they ever really together? Raven gives herself a headache just thinking about it. 

Little does she know, just across town, Octavia’s been doing the exact same thing. For some reason, being the one to break the silence between them would mean showing weakness. At least, that's the worry that keeps Octavia from picking up the phone. Hell, she works across the street from Raven’s apartment. On the second night of silence between them, she made it halfway up the fire escape before she panicked, psyching herself out and scrambling back down to her car. 

And although she took her anger out on Raven, she's more mad at herself. Octavia’s ashamed to face Raven again under the pretense of what she'd said. Because it still bothers her. And although the delivery was a bit rough around the edges, all the fears she had voiced still ring true. Raven got into Stanford.  _ Stanford _ . Of course Octavia’s proud -- she's the one who hung the letter up on the fridge and spelled out “PIMP” in alphabet letters -- but she can't help but size herself up next to Raven. 

Raven’s smart. She can turn anything into a mathematical formula and do long division in her head. She can read a novel a day and write a 3 page essay in less than an hour. She reads books on astrophysics  _ for fun.  _ Next to Raven, Octavia feels like a dollar store knockoff of a person. And as much as she tells herself she’s being stupid and selfish, she just can't help but feel insecure. 

Octavia can't do long division in her head. Hell, she probably doesn't even remember how to do it on paper. Whenever Raven’s watching space documentaries, Octavia’s the one who steals the remote and changes the channel to _ I Love Lucy.  _ She failed English twice because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get past the first chapter of a Charles Dickens novel. She'd only passed the third time because Raven had written her final essay for her. And even then, Raven and Lexa had scoured over the paper, dumbing down some of Raven’s fancy language so the teacher wouldn't suspect Octavia of cheating. 

She’d taken the job at the bar to try and earn money for when she moved out. But as the long hours started to add up, piling shift after shift on top of one another, Octavia’s slowly become struck by the fear that _ this is it _ \-- this is what she'll be doing for the rest of her life. Raven will go to law school and change lives. Lexa will win a Nobel prize. Hell, even Clarke will probably accidentally invent the cure to cancer while trying a new recipe. But where does that leave Octavia? She’s just another kid with dead parents feeling a little too sorry for herself. 

All of the restless nights and breaks at work had piled up into a ball of red hot rage inside her chest, probably to cover up her own crippling anxiety. And on that particular night, when she realized she’d gotten double the usual amount of tips just because she’d been wearing a low-cut shirt, she had spent the entire walk back to Raven’s house in boiling anger. She would’ve snapped at anyone, but Raven just happened to be there. And god, she just  _ had _ to allude to her mom. Right away, she’d known she hit a nerve. 

Their combined stubbornness and insecurity doesn’t help, either, because they’re both hesitant to be the one who picks up the phone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eep.
> 
> also. i'm working on a clexa and octaven summer camp au that i'll post after this is wrapped up. i'm super pumped for it.
> 
> and! still working on getting FTA published. everything's finalized and all i've got to do is okay the first copy.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (trigger warning)

What finally brings them together, though, isn’t by choice.

It all starts with a knock on the door. Not at the normal time of day, either. It’s nearly 3am when Raven’s roused from her sleep. At first, she thinks she’s hallucinating. But, the incessant knocking appears again, more rushed, and when she doesn’t hear Clarke stir in the room beside hers, she groans and fumbles for her brace in the darkness. 

She’s not sure who she’s expecting at this time of night, but it certainly isn’t Lexa, who has a wide smile on her face when Raven cracks the door open to peer out. 

“Lexa?” Raven’s hit with a wave of confusion. “What are you…? How did you…?”

“Do you have Fruity Pebbles?” The girl tilts her head to the side.

“I think there’s some in--,” Raven starts, but by then Lexa’s already halfway across the room. The first thing Raven notices is that Lexa’s soaking wet. Granted, it’s been raining all night, but…

“Did you walk here?” Raven connects the dots, eyes widening. She hurries to follow Lexa into the kitchen. But if Lexa hears her question, she ignores it -- she just searches through the cabinets until she finds a bowl. Well, actually, the first thing she finds is a plastic container they use for leftovers, and all Raven can do is watch in confusion as Lexa pours milk into it. Tucking the box of cereal under her arm, Lexa brushes past Raven and heads into the living room as if she’s not even there. 

Raven’s snapped out of her trance when she hears the television click on in the other room, gradually growing louder. By the time Raven scrambles in to snatch the remote from Lexa’s hands, the sound is blaring so loud that it’s painful.

“What are you doing?” Raven hisses, frantically turning down the volume on the remote. “It’s the middle of the night, Clarke’s asleep!”

“Not anymore.”

Clarke’s voice startles Raven, and Lexa takes the chance to slip the remote from her hands. Clarke, still groggy from sleep, raises an eyebrow at the dripping wet girl on their couch. She turns to Raven, expecting an explanation. 

“Don’t look at me,” Raven holds her hands up as if she’s surrendering. Lexa doesn’t seem to be paying them any attention. She just surfs through the channels and counts out three red flakes, dropping them into the container of milk. 

“I think she walked here,” Raven adds. Clarke circles around the couch, standing in front of the television and studying Lexa, who just cranes her head to the side to see past her. 

“That’s way too far,” Clarke furrows her eyebrows together in thought. “But how else…?” She trails off, thoroughly confused. 

“Quiet,” Lexa mumbles, holding up a hand to silence the girls. Clarke and Raven exchange concerned glances, but Lexa continues watching some black and white movie and shoveling cereal into her mouth, as if it’s a completely normal thing to do at 3am. 

“Scoot,” Clarke sighs, nudging Lexa’s shoulder and plopping down on the couch beside her. Lexa moves over, but doesn’t peel her eyes from the television. Raven raises an eyebrow at her, but Clarke just shrugs. At this point, she’s never quite sure what to expect from Lexa.

What they don’t expect, though, is a phone call an hour later. Raven’s dozing off on the couch beside Lexa, but she’s quickly snapped out of her slumber by the shrill ringing of the phone. She hurries to answer it. 

“Hello?”

“Raven? Raven -- it’s Indra.”

“What’s going on?” Raven can instantly tell something is wrong. 

“It’s Lexa. She’s gone. She--,”

“She’s here,” Raven jumps to interrupt her, keeping her voice down and glancing to the girl on their couch. “She’s at our apartment.”

“Oh thank god,” Indra sounds relieved. Raven can hear muffled speaking in the background. “I’m on my way over right now. Raven, listen to me, whatever you do, do  _ not _ let her leave.”

“What are you--?”

“Am I clear?”

“Y-yeah,” Raven shakes her head, overwhelmed. “What’s going on?” she asks, but by then, the line’s already gone dead.

Slowly, running over Indra’s words in her mind, Raven hangs up the phone. Clarke looks to her, a silent question, but Raven just shakes her head. Something tells her letting Lexa know that Indra’s on her way isn't the best idea. So, taking a deep breath, she slowly sits back down. 

“Who was that?” Clarke asks. Lexa seems completely oblivious. She just drops three more green flakes into her milk, her eyes trained on the television. 

Raven meets Clarke’s eyes and shakes her head, giving the slightest of nods in Lexa’s direction. She's confused, but Clarke senses her seriousness and doesn't question her further. 

They sit there for a while longer, and suddenly Lexa abandons her cereal and hops to her feet, announcing she has to go to the bathroom. As soon as they hear the door at the end of the hallway close, Clarke and Raven huddle closer. Raven does her best to summarize the phone call. 

“She sounded panicked,” Raven nods quickly, glancing back down the hallway. “Like…  _ really _ panicked.”

“I mean, anyone would panic when someone goes missing, right?” Clarke tenses, suddenly nervous. “She’s Lexa, for god sakes. They probably just ran out of Fruity Pebbles at the house and so she thought it was perfectly normal to come here. Right?” She talks as if she's trying to convince herself. 

“But Indra--,” Raven starts, but clamps her mouth shut when they hear the bathroom door close. Lexa appears at the end of the hallway moments later. 

“Thanks for the cereal,” she smiles widely. Raven notes how it almost looks fake. And then, the girl heads towards the door. Raven’s eyes widen. 

“Don’t let her go,” she hisses to Clarke, who looks as confused as ever, but doesn't argue. Both girls jump to their feet and Clarke’s the first to get to Lexa, sliding in between her and the door just as she reaches for the doorknob. Raven can see Lexa’s entire body tense. 

“Where are you going?” Clarke asks, glancing to Raven over Lexa’s shoulder. They’re both a bit lost on how to handle this. 

“Out,” Lexa nods quickly. But something’s off. Clarke scoots to the side when she reaches for the doorknob again. 

“Out where?”

“Clarke…” Lexa shakes her head. 

_ “Lexa.” _

“Why are you being like this?” Lexa tilts her head to the side. But there's an air of falseness to her actions. It's off putting. Clarke takes a step forward, holding her hands up in innocence, an attempt to calm Lexa down. 

“Lexa, I--”

But she’s cut off. As soon as the doorknob is free, Lexa bolts for it. Clarke immediately whirls around and tries to grab for her, but her hands slip out of her grip on Lexa’s shirt. 

Luckily, Lexa doesn't make it two steps down the hallway before she's slamming into Indra, nearly knocking the woman over. She even tries to dodge around her, but Indra reacts fast, grabbing Lexa’s arm before she can run. 

Stunned, Clarke and Raven look to one another with wide eyes. And while Indra starts studying Lexa, leaning in close and narrowing her eyes, someone else bursts into the apartment.  _ Octavia. _

She doesn't say anything, she just hurries across the room. Something’s horribly wrong, Raven realizes.

_ “Hey,” _ Raven speaks up as Octavia brushes past her, as if she doesn't even exist. She grabs the girl’s arm and looks at her questioningly, but Octavia just yanks out of her grip. 

Raven’s hurt, but only for a second. Because Octavia’s disappearing down the hallway, and her attention is drawn back over to the front door, where Indra’s grip on Lexa’s arms has tightened as the girl tries to twist her hands out of her hold. 

“Indra,” Octavia reappears, only speaking a single word. Her voice is loud, panicked yet cold as stone. She stands at the end of the hallway, an unreadable expression on her face as she holds up an empty bottle.  _ Raven’s painkillers.  _

Everything escalates. Clarke immediately catches on, and before Raven can even process what's happening, Indra and Clarke are wrestling a panicked Lexa into the bathroom. Clarke doesn't hesitate to practically shove her fingers down Lexa’s throat, an iron grip on the girl as she forces her to vomit up whatever she’d swallowed. Lexa’s screaming as if she's under attack, trying to fight her way out of their grip as she coughs and sputters and struggles to breathe through her own tears. Octavia stands in the doorway of the bathroom, unsure of what to do, and Raven lingers at the front of the hallway, a few uneasy steps behind her. 

Raven practically has to slam herself backward against the wall when Indra pulls a struggling Lexa back to her feet and half drags, half carries her down the hallway. Clarke rushes after them, followed by Octavia, but Raven stands frozen. 

“Go start the car,” Indra looks to Clarke, her voice laced with panic. _ “Now.” _ For once, Clarke doesn't argue. In fact, she practically sprints for the door. 

“Let’s go,” Indra nods towards the door, her grip on Lexa unwavering. But Octavia hesitates, glancing over to Raven for the first time that night. Her decision is made as soon as she sees the look on Raven’s face. 

“You go,” she shakes her head. “We’ll stay here. We shouldn't overwhelm her.”

Raven opens her mouth to protest against Octavia making decisions for the both of them, but Indra’s too focused on Lexa to pay much attention. She’s already leading the girl down the hallway. 

Lexa’s cries of protest slowly die out, and eventually, after standing frozen in silence for a good amount of time, Octavia slowly moves to close the door. Only when the door slams shut, and it's just them, does a wave of realization hit Raven. She balls her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. The past three days are instantly forgotten as Octavia rushes over to her side. 

“Don’t panic,” Octavia breathes out, grabbing Raven’s shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes. “Don’t panic.”

Raven’s breathing fast. “What… what was…?” she stumbles over her words, sloppily motioning to the door. 

“Rae…” Octavia glances around the room before urging Raven to sit down on the couch. And she does, but her eyes fall down to her lap and she digs her nails into her thighs, doing whatever she can to stop her hands from shaking. Octavia’s immediately beside her. 

“Don’t panic,” Octavia repeats herself, placing her hand on top of Raven’s own. A rush of guilt runs through her when she feels just how badly the girl is shaking. “Stop thinking about it. Stop.”

“What happened?” Raven lifts her head to look at Octavia, her eyes pleading. Octavia hesitates for a moment but eventually gives in. 

“Her mom…” Octavia swallows hard. “They found her… she…” she shakes her head. “She tied her bedsheets together and hung them up and… you know…”

“She’s dead?” Raven’s eyes widen. Octavia holds her hand tighter between her own, pulling it into her lap. All she can offer is a slow nod. 

“Lexa was the one who answered the phone,” she explains, pausing to take a deep breath. “They’re supposed to relay any information to Indra first but… they didn't. And then I woke up to go to the bathroom and Lexa was gone. She wasn't in her bed or downstairs… so I woke up Indra.” 

“She's ran off before, so I guess Indra’s first instinct was to call the hospital where her mom is at… cause she’s tried to run away to her mom before,” Octavia nods slowly. “That’s when Indra found out what had happened.”

“That she’s dead?”

“Don't hyperfocus,” Octavia warns her, knowing how Raven’s mind can be her own downfall. “But that’s when we realized it was serious.”

“That’s when Indra called here,” Raven notes. Octavia nods. 

“And then…” she motions around the room, taking a deep breath and hoping Raven can fill in the gaps.  _ “Yeah.”  _

“They were mine,” Raven whispers after a few seconds of silence. Octavia shakes her head almost instantly. 

“Lexa would've found a way no matter whose pills they were,” Octavia’s quick to respond. “Doesn't matter--,”

“No,” Raven cuts her off, even though her voice is soft. “Not Lexa.” 

Confused, Octavia tilts her head to the side, scooting even closer to the girl. “Your mom?” she asks carefully, knowing she's treading fragile ground. 

“They were mine,” Raven closes her eyes. “Her autopsy… my ADHD pills… really strong ones... they're what killed her. She took them and… she…”

“Raven…”

“She could have lived!” Raven snaps, slamming her hands down onto the couch. “I… I…” she stammers, unable to choke out any words. It’s then that Octavia just pulls the girl closer, wrapping her arms around her and holding to her tightly. Surprisingly, Raven doesn't argue. In fact, her arms come up to cling onto Octavia just as willingly.

And she cries. She sobs for the first time in ages, her head buried into Octavia’s shoulder. The girl just holds her closer, now crying too. Octavia’s crying because she hates seeing Raven like this, but she’s also terrified for Lexa, shaken by everything that's happened in the past hour. And any quarreling between them is forgotten, because they're both thinking about if it had been the other who had taken the pills. The thought of losing one another is terrifying. Enough that neither Octavia nor Raven has any intention of letting go. 

“It's not your fault,” Octavia whispers over and over, her own words muffled in Raven’s shoulder. “Raven. Please don't. Don't think about it. It’s not. Lexa’s gonna live because  _ you were here.  _ Please don't blame yourself.”

All Raven can do is nod against Octavia’s shoulder, feeling the girl curl up on the couch, her feet tucked underneath her. 

“We should stay awake…” Raven holds her breath to keep back tears. “By the phone… they could call.”

And even though Octavia nods in agreement, sleep beckons to them almost immediately. They don't put up a fight. They can't. They're too drained. Raven’s the first to fall asleep, and Octavia thinks it's better to let her rest, mostly because it's a relief she’s not shaking anymore. 

Octavia tries to stay awake, she really does. But somehow she ends up with her head drooped down against Raven’s shoulder, her eyelids shut tightly and her hand still holding the girl’s own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter is a bit shorter than the others but. a lot happened. anyway. enjoy? maybe? maybe not?


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning - clarke and raven both talk very openly about things like suicide (and they might not be politically correct)
> 
> i went back and forth about this section but i decided to keep it in, just because i think it shows how people deal with events like this--how they process and try to make some sense out of it. plus, i think the brashness in which they talk about it is very true to their characters.

Octavia hates the smell of hospitals. It’s too clean. Not human, either. A feeling of dread washes over her. Usually she avoids these places at all costs, but this time it’s a bit different. This time, it’s Lexa. And this time, Raven’s with her, following her down the hallway with a stack of books tucked under her arm.

They both stop in front of the door, and Octavia double checks the room number she’s scrawled on her hand in blue ink. She then glances to Raven, who looks even more nervous than her. It takes her a moment to realize that Raven’s track record in hospitals has been anything but normal. So, with a deep breath, Octavia knocks on the door and waits a second before poking her head into the room.

“It’s us,” she says softly, finding Indra sitting in a plastic chair beside the bed. After Indra nods for them to come in, Octavia nudges the door open and pauses to scan the room.

Lexa and Clarke sit cross legged at opposite ends of the bed, facing each other over some sort of card game spread out between them. Clarke glances up when they enter the room, but Lexa doesn’t even acknowledge them. She has her head hung low, her ruffled hair keeping her face hidden. All she does is slap another card onto the bed in front of Clarke.

Lexa’s wearing a blue hospital gown that’s slightly too big for her, hanging off of one shoulder. Octavia’s eyes trace the collection of wires stuck to her back, keeping track of her vitals. Raven nudges the stack of books into Octavia arms and moves closer to the monitor hung on the wall.

“S’low,” she says softly, pointing to one of the numbers and looking to Indra.

“It’s rising,” Indra nods. “They pumped her stomach last night. She’s still recovering.”

With furrowed eyebrows, Raven slinks back over to Octavia’s side. Well aware that Raven’s uncomfortable, Octavia takes the lead, walking forward and plopping the stack of books onto the bed.

“We brought these,” Octavia nods, drumming her fingers on top of Lexa’s encyclopedias. “Figured you might want them.”

“She won’t talk to you,” Clarke speaks up. Lexa doesn’t move. “She won’t talk to any of us.”

“Give her time,” Indra sighs. “It’s been a long night.”

“Tell me about it,” Clarke huffs, tossing her deck of cards onto the middle of the bed. Lexa tenses, but doesn’t look up.

“Clarke--,”

“I need a smoke,” Clarke announces, snatching her bag from the chair and sprinting out of the room. Octavia hops to her feet, but hesitantly glances to Raven. As soon as she receives a nod from the girl, she’s hurrying off after Clarke.

After hovering by the door for a few moments, Raven quietly moves to sit down at the edge of the bed. She picks up the deck of cards Clarke had abandoned and shuffles through them.

“Go fish?” she asks softly, but Lexa doesn’t respond.

“Crazy eights,” Indra speaks for her, offering her a comforting smile. She stands up and squeezes Raven’s shoulder. “I’m gonna go see if I can talk to a doctor. You’ll be alright?”

Raven nods hesitantly, her eyes following Indra until she disappears from the room, leaving her alone with Lexa. Raven just sits there, unsure of what to do next. She’s startled when Lexa slaps a card down on the bed between them.

Raising an eyebrow, Raven looks to Lexa for an explanation, but the girl still doesn’t lift her head. Slowly, Raven studies her own deck, plucking a card from her hand and pressing it atop Lexa’s, tapping it gently.

They carry on like this for a bit, playing cards in dead silence. Meanwhile, outside the expansive hospital building, Octavia finally catches up with Clarke, spotting a blonde head of hair sitting on the curb. Carefully, Octavia approaches the girl, who blows a cloud of smoke into the air.

“Bum me one?” Octavia sits down beside the girl, holding up two fingers and tapping them together. Clarke raises an eyebrow.

“You smoke?”

“Not regularly, but…” Octavia shrugs. Clarke just shakes her head and shoves her pack of cigarettes back into her bag.

“Then I’m doing you a favor,” she nods curtly, pushing Octavia’s hand away. “Saving you from lung cancer or some shit.”

Octavia studies the girl for a moment, slowly drawing her hand back into her lap. She’s quiet for a beat, digging at a fray in her jeans and making the rip even bigger. “If you know it’s bad for you, then why do you do it?”

“We all do stupid things,” Clarke flicks the end of her cigarette, raining ash down onto the asphalt between them, which Octavia stomps out with the tip of her shoe. “Smoke cigarettes, down a bottle of pills…” Clarke motions with her hand. “Some more than others.”

When Clarke puts out her cigarette and immediately reaches for another, Octavia’s quick to snatch the lighter from her hands. Clarke glares at her, but Octavia just shoves the lighter into her pocket.

“Doing you a favor,” Octavia nods, ignoring when Clarke rolls her eyes. She digs her heel into the old cigarette, crushing the ash into the pavement.

“You know about her mom?” Octavia asks carefully. Clarke snorts.

“Yeah, the bitch finally up and offed herself,” her voice is bitter. “T’was only a matter of time.”

Octavia furrows her eyebrows together, surprised at just how _angry_ Clarke sounds. She trains her eyes on the pavement. “You’re mad?”

“Who wouldn’t be?” Clarke looks to her in disbelief. “She can’t just do that to Lexa. That’s her _daughter.”_ She scoffs. “What a fucking coward.”

“You’re not supposed to say that,” Octavia says quietly, wary of making Clarke angry.

“Says who?”

Octavia shrugs. “Everyone. You’re supposed to think they’re brave for holding on that long.”

“Bullshit,” Clarke scoffs. “That’s just what they say to do damage control.”

“So Lexa’s a coward for trying?”

Clarke hesitates, looking away and sighing heavily. “The way I see it…” she speaks up after a long pause of silence, gaining Octavia’s attention. “You don’t kill yourself because you want to die. It’s human nature to avoid death,” she looks down at her hands, picking at her nails until she nearly draws blood. “That’s why it’s impossible to drown yourself. You can only hold your head underwater for so long.”

“So what are you saying?” Octavia pauses to look over at the girl.

“You kill yourself because you want an escape,” Clarke turns the unlit cigarette around in her hands, almost pensively. “You think Lexa would’ve washed down a handful of those pills if she had someone next to her offering her a chance to start over with the perfect life?” She pauses. “It’s an escape. That’s all it is. We’re all killing ourselves in different ways,” she holds up the unlit cigarette and traces a circle in the air. “Some just go about it faster than others.”

Octavia takes a few moments to process Clarke’s words, realizing the girl next to her has likely spent countless hours thinking this over. She takes the cigarette from Clarke and turns it around in her hands, studying it. “So you’re saying it’s cowardly to want to escape?”

“If it is, then we’re all fucking cowards,” Clarke shakes her head. “I’m saying it’s stupid to kill yourself with no regard to the damage you leave behind.”

“Damage?”

“For god sakes, Octavia! Look at Raven!” Clarke flings her arm back towards the hospital building, making Octavia flinch. “Look how fucked her life is all because mommy dearest decided to mix herself up a pill cocktail,” she sighs heavily, letting her hand drop back into her lap and pinching the bridge of her nose. She takes a moment to calm herself down.

“It’s a fucked up chain of destruction,” Clarke mutters, shaking her head. “When you kill yourself, you leave a void where your body used to be, and everyone else around you gets sucked into it. Like a black hole.”

“So that’s why Lexa…?” Octavia motions vaguely.

“Her mom killed herself in the same hospital they’re gonna ship Lexa off to,” Clarke shakes her head. “Like mother, like daughter.” She finally throws the cigarette down and stomps on it. “Only difference is that Lexa gets to live to see all the destruction she could have caused.”

Octavia watches Clarke dig the heel of her shoe into the asphalt, swallowing roughly. “But you can’t just be… _mad_ at her…”

“I’m not mad,” Clarke quips back. “I’m a lot of other things. Not mad.”

“Like what?”

“Frustrated, Scared, Worried,” Clarke counts them off on her fingers. “Disappointed,” she pauses. “Disappointed that she didn’t care enough to think of how we’d feel.”

“I’m sure she thought about it…”

“Yeah, well it sure didn’t stop her, did it?” Clarke rolls her eyes and pushes herself up to her feet. “Give me your keys.”

Octavia’s taken aback, looking up at the girl who holds out her hand. “What are you doing?”

“Going home,” Clarke wiggles her fingers. “Come on.”

Hesitantly, Octavia stands up and fishes the keys from her pocket. She looks back and forth from them to Clarke, unsure if she should hand them over.

“For god sakes, O,” Clarke huffs. “I just want to take a nap.”

Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna off myself,” Clarke rolls her eyes sarcastically. “We can only handle so much in one day.”

With that, Clarke snatches the keys from Octavia’s hand and storms off. But Octavia makes no move to stop her. As she watches Clarke walk away, she feels for the lighter in the pocket. For some reason, she’s relieved that it’s still there.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“They wouldn’t have killed you, you know.”

Raven still sits with Lexa in the hospital room, and Lexa’s silently crushing her at a game of cards. When Raven speaks up for the first time in a while, Lexa tenses and doesn’t put down her next card. Instead, to Raven’s surprise, she finally lifts her head, quietly looking up at her.

Raven holds her breath. Lexa looks horrible. There’s no sugarcoating it. Raven realizes there’s nothing beautiful about this type of suffering. For starters, her eyes are dark and bloodshot. They’re not Lexa’s eyes, Raven thinks. Her face is red and blotchy from crying, puffy around her eyes -- which are still glassy, as if tears could spill over at any moment. They bore into Raven’s questioningly.

“The pills,” Raven nods once. “They wouldn’t have killed you.”

Lexa gently sets down a card, and her head slowly tilts to the side, prompting Raven to go on.

“You’d need a lot more of those painkillers to actually stop your heart,” Raven slaps down another card. “With the amount you took, you’d either wind up in a coma or spend the rest of your life hooked up to a machine without any muscle function.” She pauses. “Oh, and you’d probably go blind. Fun, right?”

She sees Lexa shudder. The girl quickly scrambles to put down another card, averting her eyes from Raven’s. But if Raven notices, it doesn’t stop her from talking.

“If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would’ve taken more than one type of pill. Target as many different organs as possible,” Raven slaps down another card, startling Lexa.

“And if you really wanted to go out with a bang, you would’ve downed it all with a bottle of vodka and slit your wrists for good measure,” she nods once. “Vertical,” she adds, her voice cold. “Everyone knows they can’t stitch that up.”

Shakily, Lexa sets down another card, quickly drawing her hand back into her lap.

“You should really do your research next time,” Raven mutters, tossing her card down. It slides across the bed and Lexa has to grab it before it falls to the floor. “Killing yourself isn’t as simple as it seems.”

“And how would you know?” Lexa’s voice is barely audible. Shaky, but accusatory. Even though they’re the first words she’s spoken since they’ve been there, Raven doesn’t even act surprised. She just laughs bitterly.

“You think I haven’t thought about it?” Raven tilts her head to the side, feigning a chilling type of innocence. “You think seeing my mom all cold and dead and motionless didn’t plant a little seed of wondering in my head?”

Lexa looks away, but Raven just keeps talking.

“Who would have found you, Lexa?” Raven tilts her head to the side. “Would it have been Indra...? Octavia...? _Me?_ Would you have been the second person I found _dead_ thanks to my pills?” She pauses, letting her words sink in. “Or would it have been Clarke? You already know how she blames herself for everything. I’m sure your death would just be another checkmark on her list.” Lexa shivers.

“You don’t get to die, Lexa. And neither do I,” Raven shakes her head. “It’s not that easy. That’s not our choice to make.”

“But my mom…” Lexa’s voice wavers. Raven almost doesn’t hear her.

“And look where she ended up!” Raven slams her hand of cards down. “ _Dead_ . My mom? Dead too. You don’t think they had even a _moment_ of regret? That, maybe, just maybe, they changed their minds when it was too late?”

“I…”

“Jesus Christ, Lexa! You can’t even decide where to stick a fucking sticker because it’s too permanent of a decision!” Raven shakes her head in frustration. “And yet you try to kill yourself? Does that make sense to you?”

Raven looks to Lexa for an answer, tilting her head to the side, but Lexa just shies backwards and shakes her head. “Raven…”

“You don’t get to play God, Lexa. No one does. You don’t get to--,”

“You’re scaring me!” Lexa finally snaps, her voice hoarse.

**_“Good!”_ ** Raven throws her hands down to her sides. “That’s the point! It’s supposed to scare you, Lexa! This is terrifying!”

At this point, Lexa’s crying, and Raven’s on the verge of tears. Shaking her head and taking a deep breath. Raven leans back on her hands.

“Listen, Lex…”

_“Lexa.”_

_“Lexa,_ sorry,” Raven quickly corrects herself. She sighs. “Listen, I know how it feels. You know I do. Out of everyone, I know. And it fucking sucks.”

Lexa just nods softly, slowly beginning to rearrange the cards that Raven had thrown across the bed. “It does,” she whispers, her voice barely audible.

“But you can’t… you can’t just follow them down,” Raven swallows. Her bitterness is gone, replaced with an overwhelming amount of empathy. “And I’m sorry, I am. I’m sorry your mom turned into a ticking time bomb. But that’s not you, Lexa. I know it isn’t.” She pauses. “You know that, right?”

All she gets in return is a half hearted shrug as Lexa makes a feeble attempt to wipe the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. With a sigh, Raven decides she’s had enough lecturing for the day, and simply stands up to pull the girl into a hug.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Raven nods softly. Lexa doesn’t return the hug -- she’s still withdrawn, but it doesn’t turn Raven away. She knows Lexa needs it, whether she says so or not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Later that night, Indra drops Raven and Octavia off back at the apartment, silently giving Octavia permission to spend the night. It’s been a long day for all of them, especially after watching Lexa hesitantly climb into the ambulance that would transfer her to the psychiatric hospital she’ll be staying at temporarily.

Octavia’s relieved to find Clarke fast asleep on the couch when she follows Raven into the apartment. Snoring, nonetheless.

Even though Octavia’s shaken up, it’s obvious to her that Clarke and Raven have taken this the hardest. Raven, because painful memories are resurfacing. And Clarke, well, Octavia’s not so sure. Either way, she quickly falls into some sort of leadership position, making Raven sit down and relax while she rushes into the kitchen to find something for dinner.

She winds up making pancakes, mainly because she knows they’re one of Raven’s comfort foods. Clarke wakes up and they force her to eat something. An odd silence falls over them and Octavia feels like a bomb could drop at any second.

But it doesn’t. It’s so painfully quiet that Octavia honestly wishes someone would snap. But Clarke’s dead silent, zombie-like, and Raven just bounces her leg nervously.

Eventually, Octavia dismisses herself to Raven’s bedroom. And that’s where Raven finds her later that night, curled up against the headboard with a book in her hands. Lingering in the doorway, Raven traces the girl’s figure with her eyes. She looks incredibly small in comparison to the big bed.

“Reading?” Raven eventually speaks up, raising an eyebrow. Startled, Octavia’s head jerks up.

“Trying to,” she shrugs and shakes her head. “I’ve been reading this same paragraph over and over but I just can’t focus.” Setting the book aside, she looks Raven up and down. “You good?”

“Long day,” Raven wanders over to her dresser, but something else catches her eye. She holds up the jacket thrown over the back of her chair. “This yours?”

Once Octavia nods, Raven’s shedding her t-shirt and tugging on Octavia’s hoodie. She wanders over to the bed, sitting down on the very end and tugging at her brace. Octavia crawls over to sit next to her.

“She’ll be okay,” Octavia tries to reassure her, resting her chin on Raven’s shoulder. “She’ll get better.”

Her resolve crumbling, Raven’s shoulders slump and she shoves her brace aside. “Will she?” Raven’s hands fall limply in her lap. _“Will we?”_

“We?”

“All of us,” Raven motions around the room. “With everything we’ve been through, will we ever fully recover?”

Octavia shivers at the thought, also reminded of Clarke’s words from earlier that day. She doesn’t like the hopelessness that’s been draped over them. But then again, what words of encouragement can she offer that Raven hadn’t heard a million times before? What string of speech could possibly make up for everything?

She opens her mouth to speak but all that comes out is a strangled “I’m sorry.” Raven just sighs, her shoulders losing their stiffness. Octavia’s about as lost as she is, she realizes. They’re both figuring this out together.

“No one’s fault,” Raven says softly. Octavia’s hands reach up to pull Raven’s hair out of her ponytail, running her fingers through it. She sighs and presses her forehead against her shoulder.

“We’ll get through it,” Octavia whispers, talking more to herself than anyone. “We have to.”

Up until now, Octavia’s never realized how much of a kinship she’s formed with the girls. Losing Lexa would be like losing a part of them. It’s become the four of them against the world, a shelter that Octavia realizes she relies on more than she thought.

“You okay?” Raven turns to face the girl. “You’ve been quiet all day.”

With a soft shrug, Octavia leans forward and gently massages the area around Raven’s knee, a habit she’s picked up after watching Raven do it for so long. “Last night was… a lot,” she admits, looking up to Raven. “Never dealt with something like that before.”

“You seemed pretty level headed all day,” Raven notes. Octavia shrugs again.

“I had to be,” Octavia explains. “You and Clarke seemed… _off.”_

“Yeah…” Raven whispers, embarrassed. “It’s a lot.”

“Your mom?” Octavia asks knowingly, earning a hesitant nod in return.

“Thought so,” Octavia whispers. Raven doesn’t say anything, just looks down softly. Scooting closer to her, Octavia brushes her hair of her face.

“There’s someplace better,” she says quietly. “There has to be.”

“You think so?” Raven lifts her head. The pleading look in her eyes is unsettling.

“It’s what I tell myself,” Octavia nods. “All of this…” she motions around the room. “It all means too much to just… disappear.”

“I try not to think about it,” Raven admits. “When I was little, I used to tie letters to balloons and send them up to heaven.

Octavia can’t help but laugh softly. “That’s logical,” she scoots back on the bed, propping a collection of pillows up against the headboard. “I used to start my journal entries as a letter to my mom instead of saying ‘Dear Diary.’”

Raven gives her a sad smile, moving over to play beside the girl. “It scares me that Lexa’s going to have to go through all that.”

“Me too,” Octavia whispers, looking down at her hands. “I guess we’ve just gotta be there for her. That’s about all we have to offer.”

 

 

* * *

   

Raven needs her pills.

She’s been taking them almost every night when she wakes up to a painful numbness in her leg, similar to the ‘pins and needles’ sensation after her foot falls asleep. But this is worse. Way worse. Her veins _burn_.

She’s gotten used to it, though. Mostly because she’s been able to fumble her way across the hallway and into the bathroom to retrieve her painkillers. This time, however, it takes a bit of searching through the medicine cabinet until the realization hits her. And when it does, she’s slamming both of her fists against the counter and groaning in frustration.

It’s no surprise that, moments later, a very sleeping and very confused Octavia is scrambling across the hallway. She’s still a bit on edge after Lexa’s incident. Wide eyed, she looks to Raven. “What’s going on?”

“The last of my pills,” Raven mutters, too tired to try and hide her pain. “There’s none left.” She throws the empty bottle down and leans on the counter to keep herself standing.

“Bad?” Octavia whispers, a look of concern washing over her face.

All it takes is a nod from Raven, and Octavia’s launching herself into battle mode. Ignoring the girl’s protests, Octavia ducks under Raven’s shoulder and helps lead her back into the living room, where she props her leg up with pillows and presses the TV remote into her hands.

“I’ll be back,” she promises, pressing a rushed kiss to Raven’s forehead and disappearing out the front door. Raven doesn’t even have time to argue, and when she tries to get up and go after her, the pain that shoots through her leg is enough to make her fall back onto the couch and cry out in pain.

Octavia may hate her job, but right now she’s pretty goddamn thankful for the connections it has given her. She doesn’t even both taking her car, she just tugs on her jacket and hurries across the street.

The bar is still open, and she hurries inside, keeping her head down until she arrives at the corner booth in the very back of the restaurant. Imitating what she’d seen many do before, she slams both hands down on the table. Sure enough, the man slumped against the booth stirs, cracking a smile when he looks up to find Octavia staring him down.

“Haven’t seen you here before,” he comments, looking her up and down. “What is it you need?”

“Pills,” she nods, glancing around and pulling a twenty dollar bill from her pocket. “Painkillers. Strong ones.”

He just laughs. “I’m afraid pills aren’t my turf, little lady. But I do have--,” he reaches to pull something from the inside of his jacket, but Octavia cuts him off by slamming her hands down again, an urgent look in her eyes.

“Do you know where I can get some?” she keeps her voice firm. “Painkillers. Prescription kind. M’not interested in any recreational shit.”

The man raises an eyebrow, but slips the twenty from her grip and studies it, snapping the bill a few times between his fingers. “I might have something that could help you.”

And that’s how Octavia ends up breaking into a pharmacy. Well, is it considered breaking in if she has a magnet strong enough to wipe the entire security system? Either way, she pries her way inside through the back door and quickly deactivates the alarm.

She thought her days of breaking and entering were long behind her, confined to the countless times she and Bellamy had shoved things under their clothes in gas stations or picked the locks on the back of vending machines, stuffing their pockets with change and their backpacks with candy. Sure, it made her feel guilty, but it was what they had to do to survive. She figures this time, it’s the same thing.

She knows Raven will freak if she finds out what she’s doing, but she’s willing to risk that if it means easing just a fraction of the girl’s pain. She finds Raven’s pills right away, having memorized the long scientific name on the bottle. They’re locked away, but there’s a ring of keys hanging on the wall, making it all too easy for her to shove a handful into her jacket pocket. To ease her own conscience, she slips a twenty into the cash register before disappearing out the back door.

It would be an understatement to say that Raven’s relieved when she hears the familiar sound of Octavia climbing back up the fire escape. She sits up as soon as Octavia hurries into the room, shoving a water bottle into her hands and digging the pills from her pocket. She’s been gone a considerable amount of time, and in that time, it’s only gotten worse. The searing pain has moved up to her thigh, and by the time Octavia hands her two pills, she doesn’t even question where they came from.

For the rest of the night, as the medicine takes its time to kick in, Octavia holds Raven and rocks her back and forth through the pain, quietly telling her stories from her childhood to try and keep her mind off of things. And that’s how Clarke finds them the next morning, fast asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've got about two more chapters left until this fic is finished. dear god that came faster than i expected. i've got an octaven/clexa fic (both romantic) coming up right after this that i'm super pumped about. 
> 
> and also, as you probably already know, this fic is being adapted into a novel. the cover (plus details on how to win a copy) can be found at http://bit.ly/28QvW3P


	28. Chapter 28

With Lexa in the hospital, there’s a few small changes.

First and foremost, every night at 6 o’clock sharp, without fail, Clarke is on the phone. She’s practically memorized the number of the hospital, and she’s figured out when to call at just the right time, so she catches the nurse that gives Lexa fifteen minutes to talk instead of ten. Raven and Octavia try and linger around the living room, catching bits and pieces of their conversation. Most of it is Clarke nagging at her, making sure she’s eating enough, and keeping track of the changes they’ve made to her medicine on a little notepad she keeps by the couch. 

But some days are worse than others, and those are the nights Clarke hangs up the phone and yanks the cord from the wall. Those are the nights she rants on and on about how Lexa sounds like a robot, and how the last thing she needs it to be “locked up in a fucking prison for weeks.”

It goes unspoken that things haven’t been going very well lately. Which is why Octavia’s wary when Raven calls her at Indra’s and asks her to come over. It worries her even more because Raven wouldn’t tell her what it was about. So, waiting until Indra’s asleep, Octavia sneaks out her window and takes the familiar route to Raven’s apartment. 

Raven’s practically waiting at the door when she gets there, and she quickly lets Octavia in.

“I did something,” Raven breathes out, clasping her hands together. Raven’s nervousness makes Octavia feel uneasy. “I did something and you might not like it. But I had to.”

“What are you talking about?” Octavia tilts her head to the side. Raven just shakes her head and hands Octavia an envelope. It’s already been opened, so Octavia just eyes Raven suspiciously and slips the letter from within. 

It’s addressed to her, and as soon as she reads the first few sentences, she’s looking to Raven in utter confusion. “What the fuck?” 

Raven’s quick to try and defend herself, shaking her head and moving forwards. “Don’t be mad,” she pleads. “Just hear me out.”

“Raven--,” 

“It’s just a small state college,” Raven desperately tries to plead her case. “I didn’t want you to just…  _ not try. _ There’s a ton of majors. Hell, you could just take general studies classes. And I can help you. Plus, it’s cheap, but it’s rated really good and--,”

“You sent in an application for me?” Octavia raises an eyebrow. Raven struggles to decipher how she’s feeling, which worries her even more.

“I… I just thought you’d want to have options,” Raven says softly. “You didn’t read the rest but they’re, uh…” she averts her eyes. “They’re offering you a scholarship based on your essay.”

“My essay?”

“Yeah,” Raven clears her throat awkwardly. “I sent in one of your journal entries. Revised, of course, but…” she bites her lip.

“You did what?” Octavia narrows her eyes.

“Please don’t be mad,” Raven takes a step forward and reaches for her, but Octavia moves away. She just shakes her head.

“I don’t--,” she cuts herself off, handing the letter back to Raven. “I can’t. I… I’ve got to go.”

“Octavia…” Raven makes a feeble attempt to convince her, but Octavia’s already made up her mind. Breathing in deeply, Raven looks down at the letter in her hands. Once the door closes behind Octavia, something in her makes her save it, slipping the envelope between a stack of books on her desk. 

* * *

 

It takes Octavia exactly three days to reach her breaking point. 

It’s not that she’s avoiding Raven, because she isn’t. It’s just that work has been practically consuming her life. It also doesn’t help that she’s on the verge of punching Harper or Monroe in the face. Even though they’ve lost their parents, they don’t seem to care. They act as if they haven’t suffered a day in their lives, treating Octavia like some poor little misfit toy with broken circuitry. Granted, maybe Octavia’s internalizing it too much, but she doesn’t miss the glares they throw her way, judging her every move.

It all happens on a Wednesday. For starters, she’s working from 5-2 without any breaks, which probably isn’t legal, but she can’t argue, she needs the money. Things just don’t go the way they should that afternoon. She spills the ramen she was rushing to eat all over her good shirt, and she practically has to tug on another blouse as she’s hurrying out the door. When she gets in the car, her eyes narrow. In an attempt to extend an olive branch, she’d let the devil sisters borrow her car that morning. But now, it stinks like smoke, something even Clarke wouldn’t do. She spends the entire ride with the windows down and prays the smell doesn’t stick to her clothes. 

To make matters worse, she gets to work a few minutes late and receives an earful from her boss. Then, one of her coworkers doesn’t show up, and she has to scramble to work the bar all by herself. Octavia manages to stay on top of things for a while, but as the night carries on, more regulars make their way inside and they all seem to want to stay and chat. She tries her best to listen to a guy describing his ex while she simultaneously makes a drink for another customer, all the while taking an order from halfway across the bar. 

But of course, something snaps, and somewhere in the whirlwind she ends up dropping an entire bottle of vodka to the floor. The expensive kind, too. It shatters to pieces, drawing the attention of everyone in the bar. She just stands there for a moment, staring down at her feet and swallowing hard. Fuck.

“Really, Blake?”

Her boss’s voice echoes across the entire room, and she usually doesn’t pay his comments much mind, but now he’s storming over to her in front of  _ everyone _ , and suddenly she’s reminded that she’s only seventeen years old. This is too much. She braces herself.

“Get the man his drink and then clean this mess up,” he glares at her, speaking through gritted teeth. Octavia turns, intent on following his instructions, but moments later she skids to a stop. Someone’s clapping. One of the guys across the bar whistles his approval to the boss, as if he’s “put her in her place,” and for some reason, Octavia’s hands curl into fists. Slowly, with shaky fingers, she unties the apron from her waist and turns back around.

“I quit.”

“What was that?” he chuckles, looking down at her.

_ “I quit,” _ Octavia raises her voice, tilting her chin upwards and taking a step forward. She’s terrified, but it doesn’t show through her hardened exterior. Her eyes lock with his, daring him to challenge her. 

“You can’t just quit,” he laughs, rolling his eyes. All of his employees have threatened to quit at one point or another. But Octavia doesn’t waver. She takes a step closer, glass crunching under her shoes.

“Watch me,” she looks him dead in the eyes, holding up her apron and letting it drop to the ground. She storms past him, not looking back as the door swings shut behind her. 

She doesn’t stop walking. In fact, she tugs her hair up into a ponytail and picks up the pace into a light jog. And then, she’s running. 

She used to do this back when she lived with Bellamy. When she was mad or angry, she’d run, bursting out the back door and sprinting until her lungs ached, until she couldn’t even remember what she’d been mad about in the first place.

And that’s what she does tonight. Even though it’s pitch black, she runs. Her feet pound against the pavement, buildings passing by in blurs. Which is how, somehow, later that night, she finds herself outside Raven’s apartment, staring up at the old metal fire escape.

* * *

At first Raven thinks Octavia’s dying when she climbs in through the window, breathing heavily. Raven’s already taken her brace off and is in bed, but she still scrambles to sit up and turn on the light. As soon as she sees Octavia, red faced and bent over to catch her breath, she moves to stand up.

“Don’t,” Octavia holds out a hand to stop her. So Raven hesitates, feet hanging off the bed. Her eyes meet Octavia’s questioningly. 

“I need to shower,” Octavia clears her throat, grabbing a towel thrown over Raven’s desk chair. “Will you be up in like… fifteen?” she asks shyly, her eyes fluttering down to the ground.

“If you need me to be,” Raven whispers, her voice weathered from sleep. Octavia just nods, clutching the towel to her chest and disappearing into the hallway without another word. 

* * *

 

When Octavia returns, she’s dressed in one of Raven’s burgundy hoodies and a pair of striped socks she always steals from Clarke, which purposely don’t match. Even though it’s the middle of a California summer, the apartment always seems to be freezing. (Not that Octavia minds. She likes wearing Raven’s sweaters.) She’s lazily brushed through her hair, leaving it damp and hanging down her shoulders. Raven raises an eyebrow when she wanders in the room, looking hopelessly lost. 

“You gonna tell me what happened?” Raven asks, struggling to keep her voice soft. She sits up, forgetting the book she had been reading and taking a moment to study the girl, who hesitates in the doorway. Raven pats the space beside her, to which Octavia is thankful for. 

Crawling onto the bed and sitting cross legged, Octavia takes a moment to compose her words. She’s never been one to admit that she’s wrong, or even close to it. It’s probably a fear of showing weakness, she thinks. Her entire life has conditioned her to constantly be in survival mode -- where there’s no room for vulnerability. Being able to feel those emotions is something she’s still getting used to. 

“I was thinking,” Octavia speaks up quietly, her eyes looking anywhere but Raven’s, as if the moment their gazes meet, Raven would be able to see right through her. “The college,” she swallows nervously. “They wouldn’t happen to have a degree in fire science, would they?”

Raven raises an eyebrow at her, but quietly retrieves her laptop from her nightstand and surfs through it for a moment. Clearing her throat, she drums her fingers against the space bar and quietly passes it over to Octavia. She doesn’t say anything, in fear of ruining whatever fragile progress they’ve made. Octavia’s eyes scan the screen, leaning in slowly as she reads.

“So… with this,” Octavia taps the screen, glancing to Raven quickly. “Someone could go into firefighting or some shit, right?”

“If they had the proper training, yeah,” Raven nods slowly. Octavia doesn’t notice the eyebrow she raises in question. 

“Training?” the girl tilts her head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Do you want me to find out?” Raven eyes the girl. Octavia shrinks under her knowing gaze, but nods slowly and passes the laptop back over to her. Raven notices how she slowly moves to lean over her shoulder as she google searches the requirements, fighting back a smile when Octavia’s practically hovering overtop of her. 

“Here,” Raven taps her nails against the screen and glances up at Octavia. “You’ve gotta get volunteer hours and shit, and CPR training, but that’s about it.”

“So if someone went to college for fire science, and got all the training they needed, they’d be able to be a firefighter?”

“Pretty much,” Raven nods softly, studying Octavia, who fights to avoid her gaze. “Does this  _ someone _ happen to be sitting next to me?” 

Crossing her legs underneath her, Octavia shrugs one shoulder. “Just thinking, that’s all.”

“Is this wishful thinking? Or serious thinking?”

“It’s  _ ‘I quit my job and I have no other options’ _ thinking,” Octavia mutters, still reading an article on the laptop. 

“You quit your job?”

“T’was bound to happen eventually.”

Almost intuitively, Raven automatically grabs Octavia’s hand, turning it over and running her thumb over the girl’s knuckles. Octavia can’t help but laugh.

“I didn’t punch anyone,” she reassures the girl, shaking her head. “Almost did. But didn’t.”

“But you quit.”

“That I did.”

“Why?”

Sighing heavily, Octavia glances to the window from which she came. “Just got to be too much,” she cracks her knuckles. “Boss yelled at me and I guess that was about it.”

“You okay?” Raven scoots closer, biting her lip. Octavia leans into her side, but shakes her head. 

“Just glad it’s over,” she admits. “But lost on what to do next.”

“Then talk to me,” Raven squeezes her shoulder. “Why a firefighter?”

Octavia thinks for a moment, rubbing the material of Raven’s hoodie between her thumb and forefinger. “I thought about what you said. About wanting to be a child advocate because of your past. And I got to thinking about my own past…”

“And the fire,” Raven notes softly, Octavia nods. 

“Yeah,” Octavia whispers. “I mean, I figured I’m enough of an adrenaline junkie to handle it.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot?” Raven asks, tilting her head to the side just slightly. Octavia closes the laptop and nods.

“I have,” she breathes out. “I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Elements of American Literature, page 371,” Raven nudges her forwards, pointing to the stack of books on the desk. Octavia looks to her questioningly, but slowly rises to her feet and pries the heavy textbook from the bottom of the pile. She flips through it, quickly finding the object in question. The same envelope she’d shoved into Raven’s hands just a few days ago. With her back turn to the girl, she reads over it again. Then, with a deep breath, she turns back around and holds it up.

“What’s the next step?”

Raven can’t fight back the smile now, and she motions for Octavia to come closer. When she does, Raven tugs on her hand so she’ll sit back down. 

“We’ll figure it out together,” she says softly, kissing the girl’s forehead. “I’m proud of you.”

“M’proud of you, too,” Octavia mumbles, a playful smile tugging at her lips. She nudges Raven’s chin with her hand, finding the girl’s lips and kissing her as she lowers her back down onto the bed. Raven immediately knows where this is going. Not that she minds, though. In fact, given the opportunity, she pushes Octavia’s knee with her own and flips them over so she’s on top. Octavia’s back hits the bed, her hair sprawled out around her, and she looks up to Raven with wide eyes.

“Hi,” she breathes out, making Raven laugh and roll her eyes. And when Raven leans down to kiss her again, everything else is forgotten. Raven’s her spark, her aphrodisiac, and Octavia thinks she’ll never grow tired of being close to her.

* * *

Octavia could possibly be the world’s deepest sleeper.

The knocking on the apartment door doesn’t stir the girl, but it does manage to pull Raven from her sleep. She glances over to Octavia beside her, pulling the sheets over her before sitting up and retrieving her brace from the floor.

Her father is the last person she expects to see when she peers through the peephole. But he’s there, and Raven immediately notices the wrapped box in his hands as she opens the door. She rubs her eyes and looks to him in confusion.

“I’m sorry it’s early,” he apologizes, glancing back into her apartment. “I wanted to bring you something on the way to work,” he adds. Raven can tell he’s nervous, and it starts to rub off on her. “I heard about Stanford.” There’s a smile on his face, and Raven purses her lips. Is he proud? She slowly steps aside, nudging the door further open. 

“You can come in,” she says softly, her eyes nervously scanning her own apartment. “Sorry it’s messy.”

He shrugs it off, stepping past her and taking in the small room. Raven watches him, curious. Nodding, he turns to her and hands her the box in his hands. 

“Noticed you needed one of these,” he explains. Raven raises a questioning eyebrow, but quietly moves over to the kitchen table and sets it down. It’s quiet, awkwardly so, but she proceeds to carefully unwrap the present. 

“Holy shit,” her eyes widen, but she quickly catches herself and apologizes for her language. He just laughs and nods for her to look at it.

“Figured every Stanford student could use one,” he chuckles, cupping the back of his neck. “That’s a big deal, you know.”

Raven swallows. “I know,” she nods softly, studying the brand new laptop he’d gotten her. And she knows he can’t buy her friendship with his money -- of course -- but she realizes he’d gone out of his way to notice her old, junky laptop and bring her a new one. His effort means more to her than whatever monetary amount he spent. 

“Are you excited?” he asks, watching her. Raven nods.

“It’s intimidating,” she admits, drumming her fingers against the table. 

“It should be,” he shrugs. “A little bit of fear is a good thing.”

“More like a  _ lot _ of fear,” Raven nods, surprised when he chuckles. 

“Even better,” he nods once. 

“I’m gonna go… put this away,” she speaks up, still feeling a bit uneasy around him. She curses herself as she moves toward her bedroom. Their relationship has definitely improved, but god, she still has so many walls up. She’s consciously aware of it, and yet she struggles to move past it. 

She slips into her bedroom, quickly setting down the box on her desk. However, her mind is so scattered that when she exits her bedroom, she doesn’t understand why he’s looking at her with an unreadable expression. She tilts her head to the side in utter confusion. 

“Is this the same one?”

Now even more confused, Raven furrows her eyebrows. However, when she realizes his gaze has moved behind her, she quickly turns around. That’s when it hits her -- her eyes widen as soon as she sees the tangle of dark hair poking out of her sheets. Panicking, she quickly moves to shut her door. Her face is bright red.

“I-I…” she swallows roughly, feeling infinitely embarrassed when she meets his gaze again. He, however, doesn’t seem fazed. 

“She’s the same one? Octavia?” he asks again. Raven leans against the door. All she can over him is a slow nod, hesitant to see his reaction.

“Hm,” he nods. Is it approval? Raven bites her lip. “Well, at least you’re not like your mother.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Raven tenses, and he immediately regrets what he’s said. “I didn’t mean it that way,” he quickly apologizes. “I didn’t--,”

“I get it,” Raven interrupts him, holding up her hands to show she’s not mad. “I get it,” she repeats herself. “I really need to stop idolizing her,” she admits, looking away nervously. 

It’s awkward, and Raven silently pleads Octavia to stay asleep. Luckily, he just nods, and an empty silence falls over them. God, Raven wishes she was better at conversation. 

“Hey,” he speaks up, walking over to the coffee table and picking up the book she’d been reading. “Plato?” 

Raven nods quietly.

“God, that’s some dense stuff,” he laughs, flipping through the pages. “Interesting though.”

“I have to reread a lot,” Raven admits, moving away from the door and over to the couch. “We do this thing where we go to thrift stores and randomly pick out books to read.”

“We?”

“Me and Octavia,” she says softly, concealing her own nervousness. 

“So… you two…” he glances back to the door and then motions to Raven. “You two really are…?”

“ _ Together _ , yeah,” Raven nods once. “For a while now.”

“You seem scared.”

Raven shrugs, feeling as if she’s shrinking under his gaze. But god, why does she care what he thinks? When did she start caring? “It’s weird.”

“What’s the big deal?” he looks to her in confusion. Raven pauses. She doesn’t know.

_ She doesn’t know _ . It hits her that she’s 18, in control of her own life, and able to make her own decisions. So, really, what  _ is _ the big deal? 

“Nothing,” Raven shakes her head. “Thank you for the laptop, by the way. God knows I needed it.”

He laughs, remembering the bulky computer she’d been lugging around with her before. “No problem,” he clears his throat. “Oh, and Jonah wanted me to give you this,” he adds, remembering the paper in his pocket. “It’s an invitation to his 5th grade graduation. Big deal,” he chuckles. “You don’t have to go if you feel--,”

“I’ll go,” Raven nods, not even looking at the invitation. She surprises even herself by saying this. “It’s this Saturday?”

“We’re all going out to dinner afterwards,” he confirms. “I was… well, me and Julienne talked it over, and I mean, it looks like you’re alright with being a part of our lives now. We thought it was fit to tell the kids... who you are. I wanted to ask you first, though.”

“Jonah knows,” Raven says the only thing that comes to mind. “He already knows.”

Her father just laughs and rolls his eyes. “Of course he does. I should’ve known.”

“But the twins?”

“Clueless,” he shakes his head. “Julienne’s hesitant to tell them, but I think it’s only fair. That is, if you plan to stick around.”

“I, uh…” Raven hesitates. “Whatever you think is best.”

“Then we’ll see how things go,” he nods and gives her a soft smile. “I’d stick around for a bit, but I’ve got to head to work.”

Raven nods softly, and he turns for the door, but at the last minute something pushes her forward. “Wait,” she speaks up, surprising herself. He pauses.

And then she hugs him for the first time. It just felt right. He might not feel like her dad -- she’s not sure if she ever will -- but he’s starting to feel like a friend. And a bit like family. And even though she’s still hesitant around him, there’s something comforting about having him in her life. He’s started to prove himself to her, just by staying there. Not many people have, she realizes.

“Thank you,” she says softly. She notes the surprised expression on his face and falters for a moment. But he just smiles and squeezes her shoulder. 

“I’ll see you Saturday,” he nods. Raven takes a deep breath. 

And, ironically, as soon as she closes the door behind him, she turns around to find a very sleepy Octavia padding out of her bedroom. She’s clad in only her underwear, hugging a blanket around her torso. Yawning, she rubs her eyes and finds Raven across the room. She tilts her head to the side. “Mornin’?” 

“Good timing,” Raven laughs, glancing back to the door before walking over to her. Octavia’s eyebrows furrow together. She looks adorably exhausted with her hair tousled all over the place.

“Hm?” Octavia walks towards her, leaning her head against Raven’s shoulder when the girl wraps her arms around her.

“My dad just stopped by,” she admits. Octavia looks up at her, concerned.

“Nothing bad,” Raven’s quick to shake her head. “He brought me a laptop for school. Oh, and he saw you.”

“Huh?” Octavia raises her eyebrows.

“I told him about us,” Raven nods. Octavia tilts her head to the side.

“Did you now?” she smirks, earning a playful nudge from Raven. 

“Go put on a fucking shirt before Clarke wakes up,” she urges her back to the bedroom. Octavia pouts, but agrees, stopping to send a cheeky smile in Raven’s direction. 

As Octavia gets dressed, Raven wanders over to the window, leaning with her hands on the windowsill and watching the sun as it starts to peek over the buildings around them. Things are looking up, she thinks. And a few minutes later, the pair of arms that wrap around her waist and the airy giggle that follows only serve to remind her of the reason why. 

* * *

In the upcoming weeks, Octavia thanks god for Raven. If it wasn’t for her, she wouldn’t have a clue how to navigate starting school once again. But with Raven, it’s surprisingly easy. 

However, there’s one more order of business they have to attend to before it’s smooth sailing. And that’s Lexa. Who, today, for the first time, they finally get to see. She’s going on her fourth week in the hospital, which means she’s now allowed to have visitors who aren’t immediate family. Indra had seen her the week before, which is when Clarke stole Octavia’s car and drove over to hear every single detail from Indra.

But now, Raven, Clarke, and Octavia are all seated in a freezing cold waiting room, nervous yet eager to finally see Lexa. Four weeks feels like an eternity, especially to Octavia, who’s now outnumbered at the home. Thankfully, Indra doesn’t seem to mind all the time she spends at Raven and Clarke’s apartment. Octavia’s pretty sure Indra can’t stand Harper and Monroe, either, though she’d never say it aloud. 

“How long do you think they’re gonna keep her here?” Octavia asks, looking to Clarke, who’s aimlessly picking at a loose string on her jeans. The blonde shrugs. 

“Indra said the average visit is five weeks,” she nods. “So hopefully soon.”

“Do you know how she’s doing?”

“Indra said she seems better,” Clarke finally looks up, although Octavia can tell she’s worried. “But there’s really no telling what’s going on inside her head.”

“But--,”

Octavia’s interrupted by two beeps and the sound of two metal doors sliding open. Everyone in the room looks up hopefully, but the nurse who enters scans the chairs before pointing to the three girls and motioning for them to follow her. They all practically leap to her feet. 

“Don’t act like it’s a big deal,” Clarke hangs back, trying to coach Octavia and Raven. “Don’t freak her out.”

However, the moment the nurse steps aside, holding the door open to a small bedroom, it’s Lexa who jumps to her feet and throws her arms around Clarke. Clarke tenses in shock, but she quickly hugs her back, forgetting just how small the girl is. The nurse tells them they have a little less than an hour, leaving the four girls in the tiny room. 

Octavia looks around. There really isn’t much to see, Lexa doesn’t seem to have made any effort to make herself at home. Octavia thinks that’s probably a good thing. 

“Did you cut your hair?” Lexa notices, tilting her head to the side and twirling a strand of Octavia’s hair around her finger.

“Just a few inches,” Octavia nods. “Raven did it.” 

“Oh,” Lexa sits down on the end of her bed. “What else is different?”

“Not much,” Clarke answers. The three girls all look to one another before shrugging and sitting down against the wall, across from Lexa. It feels more like an interrogation, though, so Clarke hops up to her feet to sit on the bed beside her. 

“Has Indra said anything… about me?” Lexa asks hesitantly, pulling her hands into her lap. “About school?”

Octavia thinks for a moment. “Your first priority is getting better,” she glances to Clarke, who nods. 

“But I can go back to school?”

“You want to?”

Lexa nods quickly. “I want to go to college.”

“Well, good,” Octavia smiles softly. “There’s an open apartment a few doors down from Raven’s, I’m still in if you are.”

“You still want to…?” Lexa tilts her head to the side, shocked. And now, everyone else is confused.

“That was the plan, right?” Octavia asks, but all she earns is a shrug from Lexa.

“I didn’t know you wanted to… after I…” Lexa motions with her hand, her eyes skittering down to her lap. “I thought you’d be mad at me.”

“You thought we’d be mad?”

Lexa nods slowly. 

“Well that’s stupid,” Octavia laughs. She earns glares from Clarke and Raven, but she ignores them. “Why would we be mad?”

“Because I…”

“We’re not mad,” Octavia quickly shakes her head. “We just… we just don’t want you to do it again.”

“I won’t,” Lexa looks up, conviction in her voice. “I won’t.”

“Then prove it,” Clarke adds, nudging her shoulder. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Lexa laughs, but she’s still nervous. She feels embarrassed. She hadn’t intended for them to see everything that happened. But they did -- and now she feels painstakingly exposed. They witnessed a side of her that even she didn’t know existed. 

“Come on, kid,” Raven stands up, plopping down on the bed beside her and squeezing her shoulder. “You think we’re perfect? We’re all a little rough around the edges,” she shrugs, glancing over to Octavia. “Doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with shit. Whatever you need to do, we’ll make it work.”

“We always do,” Octavia nods, standing up and squeezing onto the bed beside Raven. 

Slowly, Lexa glances to all three of them. And then, she’s blurting out the first thing that comes to her mind. “My mom died.”

Octavia and Raven panic and look to one another, but Clarke doesn’t even flinch. She seems rehearsed. “She did,” is all she says, nodding softly.

“I… I’m sad about it,” Lexa admits, her eyes trained on her hands. “But… I’m also… not sad….”

“Relieved?” Raven asks, raising an eyebrow. Lexa nods hesitantly. 

“That’s not bad,” Raven shakes her head, speaking from experience. “It was the same way for me. I mean, I was six years old and practically taking care of my own mother whenever she would come home drunk. When she died… I mean…” she pauses, glancing to Octavia, who grabs her hand and squeezes it. “It was horrible to lose her, obviously, but… it took a weight off my shoulders.”

“It’s not that I’m happy she’s dead,” Lexa shakes her head, her own words making her tense. “But I think… I think I knew it was coming… for a while now.” 

“She used to have good days, she really did,” Lexa adds, nodding quickly to prove her point. “But then she started to have bad days. And I started to count them,” she traces tally marks in the air with her finger. “But I lost count after a while,” she adds, quieter. “She was gone before she was  _ gone _ , you know?”

“I think that's the smartest thing you've ever said,” Clarke offers her a sad smile. Lexa just shrugs and looks down, but her cheeks turn bright red. 

“We’ve all lost people,” Octavia speaks up. “Whether it be physical or emotional,” she glances to Clarke, who shrugs softly. “All of us know how it is. Take it from me, Lexa, the worst part is over.”

Lexa smiles sadly, nodding her head. Luckily, their optimism is rubbing off on her. She thinks for a moment before her eyes widen. “Do you think Indra will make strawberry shortcake when I come home?”

For some reason, Octavia can’t help but burst into laughter, and it’s not soon before the other three girls follow. They’re laughing for a lot of reasons -- sadness, happiness, and everything inbetween. But it’s the four of them against the world, and she can’t help but feel like things will turn out just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the next chapter is the last chapter/epilogue. it's pretty long too, and there's somewhat of a time jump. but yeah! enjoy :)


	29. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book version of this fic is published!! all the links are here
> 
> http://txrches.tumblr.com/post/146405369832/on-the-same-day-that-dakota-quinn-punches-someone
> 
> enjoy :)

“You’re late.”

Octavia jumps when she walks into her apartment to find Raven sitting on her couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table. There’s a book in her lap and an Amy Winehouse record playing in the background. 

“I had to clean out an engine. Lost track of time,” Octavia nods, letting the duffel bag over her shoulder slide to the ground beside the door. She tosses her backpack next to it, stretching out her shoulders. Raven marks the page in her book and raises an eyebrow at her.

“C’mere, greaseball,” she teases, patting the couch beside her. Octavia doesn’t argue, falling back onto the couch and yawning. “When’re they actually gonna let you fight fires?”

“When they think I’m ready,” Octavia shrugs. Raven wipes at a smudge on her face with her sleeve before leaning against the girl’s shoulder. “How was school?”

“Intense,” Raven laughs, motioning to the stack of books on the table across from them. “You know anything about Quantum Physics?”

Rolling her eyes, Octavia scoffs and leans her head on Raven’s shoulder. “Do I look like I know anything about Quantum Physics?” She nudges Raven’s arm, making the girl laugh. “May I ask why you’re doing homework in  _ my  _ apartment instead of your desk?”

“Clarke and Lexa kicked me out,” Raven rolls her eyes half-heartedly. “They’re having a movie night with Delia.”

“Another no show?”

“What do you think?”

Octavia sighs and leans back on the couch, curling up against Raven’s side. They exist in comfortable silence for a while, Octavia resting for the first time that day, and Raven mumbling softly to herself, flipping through a textbook and scrawling things down on a sheet of graph paper. 

Octavia’s eyes scan the room slowly, amused at the collection of random pictures and drawings that line the walls. Compared to Clarke and Raven’s apartment, the apartment she and Lexa own is a bit more… eccentric. And although they’ve yet to move in officially, they’ve still managed to make it their home. Lexa’s already set up a fishtank in the living room, tacked pictures and magazine clippings all over the walls, and has laid piles of blankets in almost every room. 

A lot has changed in the past few months, Octavia realizes. Lexa was discharged from the hospital, on a trial run with new medication that’s surprisingly making a difference. They’ve all started school -- Raven at Stanford, Octavia at a smaller college, Lexa at the same high school, and Clarke’s begun an internship with Indra, tagging along to meetings and spending more time at the group home. 

Since she’s started school, Octavia’s days have grown longer. She’s shaken awake at the crack of dawn by Raven, who’s always the first one up. After she drops Raven off at her 8am lecture, Octavia drives back across town to her first class. (Raven’s offered to take the bus, but Octavia doesn’t mind the extra thirty minutes it takes her to drop Raven off.) Octavia surprisingly doesn’t hate school, either. Probably because she spends mornings at the college, and the rest of the day as a volunteer firefighter at the station down the street. And although she’s yet to  _ actually _ fight fires, she’s content with knowing it will happen eventually. 

According to Raven, Stanford’s “kicking her ass, but in a good way.” She’s challenged, sure. And sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming, but her teachers have seen her potential and went out of their way to help her. That’s something she’s never had before. She’s always seemed to slip through the cracks. Octavia sees just how much it means to Raven. 

As for her father, things still aren’t perfect. But, just a few weeks ago, he’d finally told the kids about their half sister. And surprisingly enough, the twins didn’t freak out. Sure, it’s an odd concept to them, but Raven actually thinks it’s made them more accepting of her. She still receives death glares from Julienne, his wife, but it doesn’t bother her as much as it used to. Raven’s decided that she’ll just have to deal with it. 

Indra’s become more and more lenient about the time Octavia and Lexa spend at the apartments. They’re almost out of the system, anyway. And Octavia knows she trusts them the most out of all the girls in the house. At first, Octavia had been disappointed that the home didn’t feel the same when Raven and Clarke left. But now, that same feeling of protection is always around when she’s with all four of the girls. It wasn’t the home that made her feel safe, she realizes. It was the people. She likes to think they’ll remain friends for a long, long time. 

But, there’s also a new addition to their group. Clarke’s late nights and random disappearances were all for a reason -- one that she announced to them not long ago. With help from Indra and a lawyer, she’s gained partial custody of her sister. So, now that she’s 18, Clarke is Deila’s legal guardian. Delia stays at the apartment on the weekdays, and goes home with her mother on the weekends. Clarke’s still fighting for full custody, but she practically has it already. More often than not, Delia’s mother doesn’t show to pick her up on the weekends. Not that Delia minds, though. She’s quite fond of Clarke’s company, and her three surrogate sisters.

As for Jax, Clarke’s not so sure. She’s reluctant to think he’ll ever come around. While she and her sister saw a darker side of their father, Jax was never subjected to it. So, unfortunately, Clarke understands why he resents them. She’s made it clear to him countless times, though, that she will  _ always _ be there if he needs her. She’s extended the olive branch, and that’s about as much as she can do. 

Lexa, the youngest of the four, has been plagued with school and doctor’s appointments. However, a week or so after her mother’s death, she was contacted by a lawyer. Thanks to insurance and a bank account her mom had set up when she was an infant, she has a good sum of money waiting for her when she turns 18. Enough, in fact, to get her into college. She’d shown up at Raven’s apartment sobbing when she found out. At first, they thought something was wrong, but Lexa just kept mumbling on and on about how  _ relieved  _ she was. So now, combined with her inheritance and a job at the local daycare, she’s ready to tackle college head on. 

To say the least, things have started to look up now that they’ve begun taking control of their own lives. With the reins handed over to them, it’s taken a while for all four girls to realize just how much they can overcome.

Octavia eventually winds up asleep, curled up against Raven, still in her work uniform -- a black tank top and khakis. Raven doesn’t mind, she just wraps an arm around the girl and spreads the textbook across both of their laps so she can read.

She’s still reading when Octavia wakes up once again. Except this time, they’re both startled by a knock at the door. Octavia looks to Raven, confused, but Raven just shrugs and moves to get up.

“I’ve got it,” Octavia stops her, hopping to her feet before Raven can. She runs a hand through her messy hair and jogs over to the door. Raven makes a mental note to start making Octavia use the peephole, because she’s a bit uneasy when Octavia just throws the door wide open. 

Octavia had all intentions of giving the unwanted visitor an earful. It  _ is _ the middle of the night,  _ some people _ are sleeping. She’s jutted out her hip and crossed her arms, but the moment she recognizes the face in the hallway, her act vanishes. 

“Bellamy?” she breathes out, rubbing her eyes as if it’s some sort of dream. She blinks rapidly, looking back to him again. Her brother just chuckles and holds up the heavy duffel bag he’s carrying with him.

“Happy Birthday,” he studies his younger sister, only slightly taller than she had been when they last met. 

Octavia, still recovering from her sleep, looks to him in confusion. “It’s not even…?”

“It’s 12:05 on October 4th,” he grins. “You’re 18.” 

Realization setting in, Octavia glances to Raven and then back to her brother in the doorway. Before Bellamy can even ask about the girl sitting on the couch, Octavia’s launching forwards and tackling him in a hug. To be honest, she hadn’t realized how much she missed him until just now. 

“I’m going to college,” she pulls away, grabbing his shoulders and rushing to fill him in on everything that’s happened since he’s been gone. “And I’m working as a volunteer firefighter and soon I’ll be able to go on drills with them, see?” She turns around, retrieving a certificate from the fridge to show him. Raven watches, amused at just how badly Octavia needs to impress her older brother. 

“And look, Bell,” she tugs on his arm, leading him inside. “This is my apartment.”

His eyes scan the room, until they land on the girl on the couch. He motions to her. “This your roommate?”

“Nope,” Octavia shakes her head. “That’s Raven.”

Bellamy looks to his sister for an explanation. Pausing, Octavia glances back to Raven, raising an eyebrow. But Raven just shrugs at her, giving her a soft nod of the head.

“She’s my girlfriend,” Octavia turns back to Bellamy, grabbing his arm again. “C’mon, you’ve gotta see the--,”

“Girlfriend?” Bellamy doesn’t budge. Letting go of him, Octavia’s eyes grow wide with worry and she looks to her brother carefully. 

“Yeah,” she says softly, suddenly concerned that she’s walking on eggshells. “She’s my… we’re both…  _ yeah _ .” She holds her breath. 

“Well,” Bellamy pauses, glancing between the two of them. “This is new.”

“She goes to Stanford,” Octavia blurts out, as if she has to plea Raven’s case. “She’s smart as hell, Bellamy,” she rambles, eyes darting around the room until they land on the bookshelf. “See? She reads Socrates, and…”

“Bellamy,” her brother rolls his eyes at his younger sister and extends a hand to Raven. Octavia’s still going on about Raven’s accomplishments, while meanwhile, Raven stands up and shakes Bellamy’s hand. 

“Raven,” she nods once, glancing over her shoulder to Octavia. “Don’t listen to her. She’s--,”

“I know how she is,” he laughs, cupping the back of his neck and shaking his head half-heartedly. When Octavia realizes they’re talking over her, she quickly hurries to stand in front of Raven. 

“Don’t be mad,” she blurts out. Bellamy and Raven look to one another in confusion. 

“Why would I be mad?” her brother notes how she’s wedged her way in-between them. Raven places a hand on Octavia’s shoulder to try and calm her down. 

“Cause’ before--,”

“Because I’ve been a dick to all the old guys you used to bring around?”

Octavia shrugs. “That too.”

“I don’t care that you’re both…  _ you know,” _ Bellamy gestures to the both of them. “I mean, I wasn’t expecting it, but… it doesn’t  _ matter _ . Are you happy?”

Octavia pauses, glancing to Raven and then nodding softly. “It’s different… with her.” She feels Raven squeeze her shoulder.

“Well, then,” Bellamy shrugs. “Isn’t that all that matters?”

(When Octavia pulls her brother into another hug, relieved, Raven flashes him a shy thumbs up from behind her back.)

 

* * *

 

“I want a milkshake and fries.”

“You can’t get a milkshake for  _ dinner.” _

“Why not?”

“Cause--,”

“It’s my birthday, and I say she can get a milkshake,” Octavia speaks up from her seat at the table -- squeezed between Raven and her brother. Clarke and Lexa sit across from them, and Delia’s off at the front of the restaurant, spending a handful of quarters on arcade games. Octavia had requested things be simple for her birthday, which is why she’s perfectly content with spending it crammed into a booth at her favorite diner. In fact, if she could have anything, she’d probably still choose this. 

“I’m getting the biggest strawberry milkshake they’ve got,” Lexa nods in finality, sticking her tongue out at Clarke, who rolls her eyes half-heartedly. Raven nudges Octavia’s foot with her own, and just smiles when the girl looks over at her. 

“You come here a lot?” Bellamy asks, drawing Octavia’s attention. 

“Every Friday,” she nods, almost proud of their tradition. “They practically know us by name.”

Stirring his drink with his straw, Bellamy pauses for a moment. “So you’ve really made your home here, huh?”

Octavia doesn’t miss how he looks to Raven as he says this, who’s absentmindedly drumming her fingers against the table. All Octavia can do is nod softly. 

“I’m tired of running,” she admits, keeping her voice down as conversation around the table beings to pick up. “I feel like I’m finally building something here, Bell. I’m not on edge anymore.”

“So this is it.”

“What do you mean?” Octavia grows concerned.

“No more running,” Bellamy nods once. “You’re staying here.”

“I mean--,” she hesitates, glancing back to Raven. “Yeah,” she bites her lip. “But you…”

“California’s a big state,” Bellamy shrugs. “I’ll find work somewhere.

Octavia’s eyes widen. “Really?”

“You’re not the only one tired of running, kid,” he chuckles, ruffling her hair like he used to do when they were kids. Octavia just glares at him playfully, though she can’t deny how relieved she feels. Everything’s starting to come together. And for once, she’s not afraid that it will all fall apart.

With a soft smile on her face, Octavia leans over to whisper something in Raven’s ear. 

“Really?” Raven perks up. She couldn’t help feeling a bit uneasy when Bellamy showed up, knowing that the last time he’d seen Octavia, she’d almost lost her. But four words whispered by Octavia -- “I’m not going anywhere,” -- have managed to crush all of Raven’s worries. Nothing her shock, Octavia just nods, giggles, and leans into her side to steal a sip of her drink.

 

* * *

 

Octavia can’t help but feel like this is both an ending and a beginning, arriving hand in hand. There’s a weight that’s no longer on her shoulders -- she’s eighteen, she’s in charge now. She never imagined that it would feel this liberating. But it does. For once, she’s looking forward to the future, to the unknown -- when before, she used to cower in fear. 

They arrive back at the apartment, and all four girls pile onto Raven and Clarke’s couch to watch a movie. Delia disappears into one of the bedrooms with a pile of Raven’s books, something she’s made a habit of doing. As the movie plays, Octavia wanders over to check on Bellamy periodically, who’s in the kitchen using Raven’s laptop to look for work.

“Do I look like her?”

Bellamy is startled when Octavia randomly breaks the silence. She’s been sitting next to him at the kitchen counter, watching quietly. But the thought had entered her mind and she didn’t have time to think before blurting it out. 

“What?” Bellamy looks to his younger sister in confusion. She freezes, as if she’s just now realizing what she’s said. 

“Mom,” Octavia swallows. “Do I look like her?” 

Bellamy’s taken aback by her question. These are the kind of things the Blake siblings don’t usually talk about. 

“I’m serious, Bellamy,” she shakes her head. “I… I’m afraid I’m going to forget her. Or that I already have and I don’t even realize it.”

Bellamy studies her, running over her words in his head before sighing and turning his attention away from the laptop. “Sometimes I think you look  _ too _ much like her,” he admits. “Even she used to say that the only thing you got from your father was your hot-headedness.”

“Really?” Octavia tilts her head to the side and leans forward, even more interested. “What else do you remember?”

Sometimes she thinks it’s unfair that Bellamy got to spend more time with their mother. Octavia would give almost anything to be able to see her one last time. She seems to have an endless list of questions without answers.

“I don’t know, O,” he shakes his head. “I know she loved us both an awful lot.”

“Keep talking,” Octavia mumbles, urging him to go on. She rests her elbows on the table. 

“Why does it matter all of a sudden?”

“It’s always mattered,” she nudges his shoulder. “Come on, you remember more than I do. I just want to know about her.”

He pauses, thinking for a moment before shrugging. “She almost got in a fight with our neighbor because he made you cry when he told you not to pick the flowers in his garden,” he laughs and rolls his eyes. “She would have let you get away with anything.”

“Was she as happy as I remember her?” 

“Around us,” Bellamy pauses. “She was always worried about money, though. That’s why our phone and cable were never on. She only cried when she thought we weren’t around.”

Frowning, Octavia rests her chin in her hands, revisiting old memories she thought she’d forgotten. The image of her mother is only a ghost to her, blurry around the edges and skipping like a broken record. But she can still remember the sound of her voice, soft and comforting, etched into the deepest parts of her conscience.

“Would she be proud of me?” The words slip out of her mouth without abandon. Her eyes find Bellamy’s, almost pleadingly.

“She always was,” Bellamy pauses to look at her, stitching his eyebrows together. “Why would you even ask that?”

“I…” Octavia hesitates. “I just… think about it a lot. I know it sounds cheesy, but… I’m just… I’m scared she wouldn’t like how I turned out.”

“Why wouldn’t she?” Bellamy looks to his younger sister, not understanding why she’s suddenly so fixated on this idea. But when she looks away nervously, it’s almost as if he can read her mind. “This is about Raven, isn’t it?” 

The way Octavia freezes gives him enough of an answer. 

“C’mon, kid, she wouldn’t care,” Bellamy chuckles, squeezing her shoulder. “She wasn’t like that,” he shakes his head. “I remember one time another mother in the neighborhood told her how the boys would be  _ all over you _ when you were older, but mom told her that it wasn’t how she wanted to measure your worth,” he pauses to think. “And another time, when you were disappointed that you couldn’t be Batman because you weren’t a boy, she gave you a long speech about how you could be  _ “the best damn batman this town has ever seen” _ and then sewed you a mask and a cape from our old curtains. You didn’t take those things off for weeks, not even when you went to bed.” He laughs at the memory, but Octavia just frowns.

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“It’s got everything to do with it, O,” Bellamy shakes his head. “She loved you because you’re  _ you _ . And if this is who you are, then I guarantee you she’d love that part of you, too.”

“I never planned on this,” Octavia says softly, after a long pause of silence. Bellamy looks to her in confusion.

“Planned on what?”

“Raven,” she whispers, too shy to make eye contact. “With her, it all just…  _ happened _ . I didn’t even have to try.”

Bellamy raises an eyebrow. “It’s that serious? You really do like her?”

“I love her, Bell,” Octavia shakes her head, her voice soft. Bellamy’s shocked by her words, normally used to his younger sister’s hard exterior, the side of her that runs at any sign of emotion. But now, there’s a different air around her. It’s honest. Admitting love, to Octavia, still feels a bit like admitting vulnerability. 

“Oh, woah,” Bellamy looks to Octavia, realizing just how serious she’s being. “It’s like… that?”

Octavia finally lifts her head, nodding carefully.

“Then why’re you acting so scared?” he furrows his eyebrows. “Is something wrong, O?”

“I was scared you’d be…” she hesitates.

“C’mon, O, how many times do I have to tell you that it doesn’t matter?” He shakes his head before throwing an arm around Octavia’s shoulders and ruffling her hair. “And if I  _ had _ gotten mad at you for that, I would hope you’d have punched me in the face and kept on doing whatever makes you happy, regardless of what anyone says. You’re my sister, you idiot. I love you.”

Octavia finally cracks a smile and Bellamy pulls her into a hug, kissing the top of her head and squeezing her tight. “I missed you,” he admits. Octavia just laughs and punches his shoulder.

“Missed you too, idiot,” she hums, hopping to her feet. “Now get back to work.”

Just as quickly as she’d let her walls down, she’d built them back up again. However, Bellamy’s thankful for the moment of vulnerability he’d gotten a glimpse of. There’s something different about Octavia, he realizes. Something new, youthful, as if an internal flame has been reignited. It’s a breath of fresh air to see his sister, free of the worries that used to plague her. He has a feeling the brown eyed girl in the other room has a lot to do with it.

Bellamy watches as Octavia scampers back into the living room and hops over the back of the couch, plopping down into place beside Raven. He sees the way Raven’s arm absentmindedly wraps around the girl, and how Octavia curls up against her side, fitting snugly like a missing puzzle piece. When Octavia glances back over her shoulder at him, and he sees the genuine smile tugging at her lips, he has to admit -- he has a good feeling about this one. 

 

* * *

 

“This movie’s boring,” Raven whispers, nudging Octavia’s shoulder with her own. Yawning, Octavia looks over to her and raises an eyebrow.

“Wanna call it a night?” Raven urges. Octavia knows something’s up, but she just nods softly, figuring Raven’s leg is bothering her. And she  _ is _ tired, after all. 

Clearing her throat, Raven hands the remote off to Lexa and slowly stands up. “I’m gonna walk Octavia back to her apartment.”

“It’s literally right across the hallw--,” Clarke starts, but is cut off by Lexa, who elbows her in the side. Clarke glares at her, but Lexa glares right back, motioning for her to be quiet.

Octavia doesn’t have time to question the suspicious behavior, because Raven is practically pulling her to her feet and dragging her out into the hallway. As soon as they’re alone, Octavia raises a questioning eyebrow at the girl.

“I’ve gotta give you your present,” Raven smiles knowingly. Octavia narrows her eyes.

“I thought we agreed on no presents?”

“More like, you said no presents, and I kept my fingers crossed behind my back when I nodded,” Raven deadpans, tugging on Octavia’s arm. “Come on, O, you’ll like it. Promise.”

Giving in, Octavia sighs and hands over the key to the apartment. Raven shoots her an excited smile, letting herself in and motioning for Octavia to follow her. 

“So,” Raven starts, clearing her throat when they stop in front of Octavia’s soon-to-be bedroom. She’s yet to live in it. In fact, it’s empty except for a new mattress on the floor, unused. “You go first.”

Raising her eyebrows, Octavia places a hand on the doorknob, but pauses to look back at Raven. “Should I be scared?” she teases. But Raven, impatient, nudges her forwards. 

“Alright, alright, I’ll go,” Octavia holds her hands up in surrender, rolling her eyes playfully. She opens her mouth to speak again, but it clamps shut the moment she steps into the room. “Holy shit.”

“Like it?” Raven smirks, following Octavia’s gaze up to the ceiling. There, scattered across the space above them, is a detailed painting of the entire solar system. Octavia’s eyes scan over the expanse of it, covering the entire ceiling. She just stares straight upwards for a few moments before her gaze shifts back to Raven. 

“You did this?” she asks in disbelief. A smile tugs at Raven’s lips and she nods softly. 

“Lexa helped, too,” Raven explains. “For the girl who failed high school art, she’s pretty talented.”

“You got up on a ladder to do this?” Octavia grows concerned. But Raven just laughs and shrugs her shoulders.

“I survived, didn’t I?” she smiles softly. “Although, painting like that really kills your neck.”

Scooting closer to her, Octavia leans against Raven’s back and rests her chin on the girl’s shoulder. “I love it,” she whispers. “But isn’t the landlord gonna kill us?”

“Oh come on,” Raven laughs. “This place is barely up to code, that’s why you got it for so cheap. He should be thanking me for an excuse to redo this place.”

“Sneaky,” Octavia giggles against her shoulder. She starts to wrap her hands around the girl’s waist, but Raven stops her, pulling away and holding up a finger to make her wait. 

“That’s not all,” Raven shakes her head. Octavia sends her a death glare, but Raven just smiles and motions for her to stay put before slipping out of the room.

She returns a minute later, carrying a wooden box and dragging a long cord behind her. Octavia’s eyes follow Raven as she sets it down in the middle of the room, placing her hands on her hips and thinking for a moment. 

“Kill the lights,” she nods to Octavia, who raises a confused eyebrow but decides against arguing. Once the room is pitch black, she hears Raven fumbling with something near the wall. There’s a flash of light that makes her jump, but soon her eyes are darting around the room in amazement.

“Woah,” Octavia breathes out. Somehow, the box is projecting hundreds of tiny stars all over the room, casting a gentle blue glow over the both of them. Raven smirks.

“Cool, huh?” She wanders over to Octavia and nudges her shoulder. “Made it myself.”

Octavia’s eyes widen. “How?”

“Light bulbs and a box with some holes it it,” Raven laughs softly, absentmindedly reaching up to brush Octavia’s hair away from her face. “Like it?”

“I’m never turning it off,” Octavia fails to fight back a smile. She pulls Raven closer to her, her lips suddenly lingering inches away from the girl’s own. 

“You may want to… be careful… it could o-overheat,” Raven stammers, losing her composure due to their sudden closeness. She can see the smirk playing on Octavia’s lips, and can feel her entire face turning bright red. Noticing this, Octavia giggles and places one of her hands right underneath Raven’s collarbone, flat against her chest.

“Your heart’s racing,” she says softly, meeting Raven’s eyes once more. And god, Raven hates how the way Octavia shyly bites her lip makes her pulse skyrocket even more. 

Octavia giggles when Raven looks away in embarrassment, and she quickly takes one of Raven’s hands, pressing it against her own heart. “It’s not just you,” she whispers, managing to make Raven crack a smile. Octavia’s yet to fully understand why Raven’s the one who can make her feel this way. She’s not sure if she wants to. She likes the mystery.

Without saying anything else, Octavia takes a step closer, closing the gap between them and finally finding Raven’s lips with her own. Raven catches on instantly, resting her arms around the girl’s neck and kissing her back, as if it’s second nature. For Raven, Octavia’s become almost an extension of herself, a best friend, a lover. Hell, Raven doesn’t believe in soulmates or star-crossed lovers, but kissing Octavia feels like magic in it’s purest form, and Raven likes to think that something caused them to cross paths just when they needed each other. That alone is enough to make her believe in miracles again. 

“One more thing,” Raven breathes out when the kiss separates. Octavia’s eyes follow hers, wide and curious as she digs something out of her pocket. Something’s pressed into her palm, and Octavia slowly holds it up. A cord necklace dangles down between them. String onto it is a small key.

“For my apartment,” Raven explains, her voice raspy and still winded from merely kissing the girl. “Figured you’d need a copy, now that you live across the hallway and all.”

Octavia swings the necklace around one finger, catching the key with her other hand and holding it up to study it. “This is big for you, isn’t it?” She asks gently. Raven just shrugs when Octavia looks up at her. 

“You always keep things locked away to protect yourself, you told me that,” Octavia nods to herself. “Yet you’ve just given me a key.”

“I gave you the key a long time ago,” Raven admits, knowing Octavia will understand what she means. “Never thought it’d be you who I let in… but I’m glad it was.”

“I love you,” Octavia breathes out. The key rests cold against her chest as Raven gently pulls the necklace over her head, and she clutches it in her fist. Octavia takes a moment to take it all in -- the room, the stars on the walls, the girl in front of her -- who’s looking back at her as if she’s the entire universe. In that moment, Octavia  _ feels _ it. It goes without saying. Raven loves her. And by the look on Raven’s face, she can feel it too. 

Though she’ll never grow tired of saying it. 

“Goddamn it, Octavia Blake, I’m in love with you,” Raven shakes her head, making Octavia laugh and pull her even closer. And when Raven kisses her again, Octavia’s eyes fall shut and she breathes it all in. She’s spent so much of her life looking for a home, but she’s realized she’d been searching in all the wrong places; until the day it stood right in front of her, hidden behind a pair of dark brown eyes.

She can’t help but look at the two of them and feel victorious, as if they’ve both won a battle that was waged against them. And sure, there’s a whole future of uncertainty ahead of them, but Octavia decides they’ve become warriors. From the ashes of the fire meant to destroy them, Octavia’s certain that they will rise hand in hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andddd it's over. wow. this was probably my favorite thing to write, just because the dynamic between these characters was so interesting. thank you for reading and thank you for sticking around!! i hope it was worth it. 
> 
> also, this isn't the last you'll see of me, obviously. i have a clexa/octaven summer camp au that i'm working on. tbh it should be up any day now, i'm excited to post it and see the reaction it gets.
> 
> and that's it! wow (again). thank you for all the sweet comments and i know i suck at replying to them but i read them all. i'm gonna get better at that, lol. but thank you thank you thank you. have a wonderful day
> 
> \- lena
> 
> (my tumblr is txrches and my twitter is @lenajfc, in case you wanted those for any reason lol)


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